How HER crisis changed ME

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, your quote:'I think I know why. I think she is hiding behind them. Honestly? I've done that most of my life. Not sure why, but I guess I've just always felt secure with them. Seriously, you won't see me in very many pictures without shades.

This is something for you to work through with your counselor.

Love
Delboy

[MrBond]

"I have to say u need to back off a little.......encouragement goes a long way. You come across as very harsh to me nd harsh is not always the way to go."

Actually I don't have to back off. Tad gets plenty of hand holding from other posters and if you have read what I've posted to him from the beginning, you'll see that I have encouraged him.

The point you seem to be missing is that throughout Tad's journey, there are so many things that could have been avoided or worked on that would have gotten him stronger much faster. But instead, I saw it evolve into pity, depression, resentment, etc.

Tad, you know more than anyone else that I'm proud of the way you've progressed. In fact, there were times that in your posts you sounded down right suicidal to be honest. You have it IN YOU to become more positive. You still have this underlying feeling that life isn't fair or that you have no control over what happens. You do. You just have to start believing that. LIfe is what you make of it.

For the C, you have an amazing person who seems to have gotten to the root of your problems in a short amount of time. Take the opportunity to ask questions. Once you deal and confront the issues from your past with courage and not fear or loathing, you will come out stronger. It's like having an open wound that you just cover with a band aid.

I get that life's been tough for you. With every challenge, you can come out stronger than before with no resentment or anger or blaming others.

[sunshinelewis]

Nice....much better mr bond..:)

[nero]

Hi Tad

I was just crusin around and read your latest thread. I was interested in your list of changes in you - i find i feel same about some. I don't think i'm a particular "pity sponge" - I'm not a total harda$$ either - i think you're gettin picked on in here a bit - now or then. if you're doin your best - it's good enough. take the good, leave the bad.

i've been here 3 or 4 years. MLC stinks - all of it - across the board. i'd opine that your "changes" in self are natural really. i'm no one in particular , of course, but some times on this forum (which i like and am grateful for the support of ) some folks can be what i'd view as "demanding" and insistent. That's just my personal opinion. don't let that get to you. If it's true, and you can find the value in what they say - apply to self. If not, let it go. lots of folks have "something to prove" in life and here is no different.

we're all just people - not perfect. anyone. your life summary of events is really something. soooo much upheaval- i think it's pretty good that you're still standing thru it all. Everyone says let go of past - it's a good idea - I'm worki on it - - - it's just part of who we are tho, so not quite as easily wheedled out of our makeup (i think).

you stumble, you fall, you get back up, you go forward...

You probably know you, maybe your "speed" of recovery isn't what everyone else would like. The r we all had, and what created it, and us - is soooo complex - it's never just cut and dry and one bit of advice fits all. I'm pretty sure alot of people think of me as "oh geeeez , is she STILL here whining away?)" who the heck knows. (who the heck cares) maybe i'll come back forever - idk.

sometimes i feel all "gettin there". sometimes i feel like it's really pointless, sometimes i feel like the support & kindness of some people here that hold my hand and pat me on the head and say "good boy" has "saved" me. WE ALLLL NEED THAT SOMETIMES - im' not ashamed of it. If ya need help - ya gotta ask for it sometimes. I know my weaknesses - i don't like them any better than anyone else. can i snap my fingers and have them disappear? apparently not. who the heck can? I try and acknowledge each tiny little "victory" - like not getting sucked into a fight- not actually "bleeding" anymore from what i think is worst thing to ever happen in my life.... laughing alot, more like olden days - i'm improved, etc.

I'm less trusting too (you get burned- you don't touch the fire) , I HAVE HATED FOR YEARS AND YEARS that people say lobsters don't feel anything. before this ever happened i always thought man was so arrogant to presume to speak for anotehr living creature. I became an adult and realized i couldn't bait a hook with a living minnie any more - Dogs and cats are amazingly perceptive - can tell when "something is up" in a household before most people. humans are soooo incredibly self-deluded and thinking they are "gods" among the animals. yeah-rite.

I could weep when i think of breakups of people i know and i tried to comfort, but had no real clue of the depth and tragedy. I was only human= now i KNOW the pain. You too -. I can't watch sappy movies either- makes me cry and feel sorry for self. I have discovered that most people i thought loved me - kind of turn on you when they are required to be the comforter- rather than just sit there and suck compassion and support from you. people hate it like mad when the "strong guy" is havin a hard t ime.

I'm tryin to be tougher and speak up for myself too, but - My inner voice is always saying to rise above it- to be comassionate - to not "let them have it" because you can never ever erase the words once they're said. it seems to be who i am. I am not the guy to slam someone over the head. Even total jerks - who richly deserve it - i feel compelled to be kind. I think i should "hard up" - it's so not me - just another think i'm letting go right now.

who says it's my DUTY to "give someone" what they deserve? maybe i'll leave that one for God. Judgement and punishment. idk-

there were those here who demanded I "walk out" right away to make a point. It may have been a good strategy- i didn't. idk if i was wrong or right - probably never will. I was me doin the best i could at that time. i was lucky to still remember to breath in and out . it's been a long long long way to come. I am still in this "r" of whatever sort. I am still unsure where it will end - our daily interaction is waaay better (when we are actually together in one house) (he is waaaay less of a giant jacka$$) but ow is still around & i'm still unsure (or unable to cut him out of my life for final and good) or what i want to do about it all. I can't even figure out if i want to live in nj or fl or b oth or what? My mom just passed away end of March- it's been such a long awful past five years my brain is just "done" for moment.

BUT YESTERDAY - i had a very unusual kind of feeling that time was soooo huge - before - forever - just this giant blobbie thing we all were floating along with and in - and it rolls by and maybe we are trying to always capture a bit of it- and make it concrete - stable - but it's impossible. it just is ....& always was and we're here at the moment .. maybe it alllll doesn't even matter at all... all the things we think matter soo much... it was a plealsant feeling btw - not wierd or dark. just okay with being another speck in the universe like everyone else- . my universal soul theory. we're all just tapped into this giant consciousness and may in fact be each other, for all we kn ow...(or something like)

I have waaaay more okay days and even good days, i feel like doing alot of things i used to enjoy doing "before" , so my progress is there (even if microscopic to some). I don't know what it all means? i don't know if i "love" him anymore or could as i used to. I am allowing myself to not know any answers anymore.

so, am i wrong - are you stuck in one spot - you sound like you're plodding along, tryin...

when bomb dropped - i was toooo "weakened" to do much but go hide and lick my wounds. i don't feel ashamed of that- 36 years (my entire adult life) with someone is alot to let go of easily. I do not give or give up "love" very easily. there are strings of a type i cannot define- i'm not trying any more. I have no idea any more what i am to this guy. he doesn't walk away either.

I think it was mwd that said in one of her books research shows the average woman "endures" 8 years of a r that is crappola before she actually walks. it's a long time- from surprised and blasted out of the water to actually taking bull by horns and slaughtering him. Upon close questioning - i have three women in my life who actually fit that bill - and it was that long. they did walk out- their life has not been easy on their own. IN REAL life , there is no time frame ya gotta follow i think. we each find our own way. If i'm more insecure or needy or whatever anyone wants to "lable" it as- so what? are they here with me day to day for company or suport. no- no one is . we are allllll in this "alone" more or less.

You sound pretty okay to me. So- you're attached to rats. they are living creatures and you enjoy nurturing them. maybe for the time being it's good to have that connection to a living being. it's waaay better than no one and nothing. I keep thinking perhaps i should get a dog- get some of that unqualified love too - but then resist. why- tons of valid reasons - but then, is that twisted too? to deny self this loving pet? idk- you can look at it all many diffferent ways always. .

If ya try and be honest with yourself i guess - that's all we can do. i've sure got my neurosis . I've got a hell of alot going for me tho (i think) that is good too. i'm still "tryin"

i have a great little book i found geared toward recovering aa women. "each Day a New Beginning" , Hazeldon Foundation. it's good, moderating, food for thought each morning. go find it on amazon for a buck or two used - . I'm thinking if you desire to move past this- and are willing to be here listening to everyone's input - and considering it- you're on some good road. well, on your own "journey".

will it happen "fast" - i don't think so. one little dopey quote I heard somewhere was "fake it til you make it" - much like living "as if". it's what we just have to do- keep chin up- plug forward - accept and acknowledge the little or big good stuff in our life today (we're alive, healthy and having a life in a relatively safe country) (for a few) and work on brain- washing ourselves. I do believe happiness or contentment is a frame of mind- how we deal with the junk in life - and we are the only thing we can control. We've both made the decision not to let this kill us- so hey, look what a big accomplishment that is. we're still standign after a bunch of years - still workin on it - still existing and having the desire to prevail. fortitude dude.

just gotta plug thru. If you have a job and like it- and you're doing an activity with your son and look forward to it- and working on being in your neices life - that's something huge i'd say. Your past is an am azingly jumbled ting- and your current family sitch is sad - brother, etc. My closest sister (yr younger) drank herself to death. it was really bad watching her- do i believe i could have "saved" her? I think deep inside we all always wonder. could we - objectively- probably not. do we always wonder- well, sure probably.

point is- if it's helping you- if you are taking steps very slowly - i think it's your journey and you WILL take it as you must.

this got a bit long- meant it as supportive - hope it is.

we're on the road man - hang in there. accept what "fits" - don't let the nay-sayers get ya down.

xxo

[ForeverYoung]

Wow nero, thank you for such a wonderful post. So much of what you've written has resonated with me.

Learning to love and accept ourselves in the present is so important. A first step really, and one that many of our spouses in crisis need to learn. And let's not forget what we say for them... they have to figure it out on their own, we can't fix them.

[nero]

you're so right forever. i forget sometimes to keep telling me that i didn't break him, and i can't fix him.

if only it were that easy huh? that we could in fact have some action we could take and really make a difference.

i'm just tired - frustrated - wondering why i don't throw in the towel - i guess I can always quit tomorrow - rite?????

xxo

[ForeverYoung]

i guess I can always quit tomorrow - rite?????

xxo

Knowing that I could play the bailout card at any time has taken me far.

[tadpole1025]

Since the purge, I've had a lot of problems with messages from this thread just mysteriously vanishing. My latest post on here is gone in addition to 2 responses.

Anyone else having this problem?

[job]

Tad,
We had another update that took approximately 48 hours over the weekend. The warning was posted above advising us to use the Board as "read only" because there was no guarantee that when we posted during the latest updates would remain on the forum. So, yes, we all lost postings during that period of time, as well as the "time" of postings has changed.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job. I guess I didn't see the warning.

Anyways, Nero - thanks for the wonderful post. So much of what you said really hit home. I posted a really nice post back to you, but it got lost in the purge. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate what you said. Thank you.

I've sort of had a little set back I think. Everytime I think I'm doing better, I seem to have a set back. I've really been trying to get back into music again since it was such a big part of my life pre-BD, but I just can't....so many damn memories. The sad thing is, I really miss it. I've really been trying though.

My insomnia has been extremely bad lately. Last week, I went from Thursday morning to Monday afternoon with only about 7 hours of broken sleep. Very broken - 1 hour here, 1 hour there. I don't know what it is. When I'm at work, I do ok because I'm busy, but can barely stay awake for the drive home. Had to slap myself a few times to stay awake. When I get home, I find it hard to even stand because I'm so tired. Then when I go to bed....wide awake. I bought some Zzzquil the other night and it helped, but I don't want to have to rely on it.

When I do sleep, my mind races. I've been dreaming a lot again lately. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I've never been one to really remember my dreams unless I'm dreaming about airplane crashes. Well, I've been dreaming a lot about XW lately. When I wake up, I can't remember the dream, but I can just tell that I was dreaming about her. Weird. I either wake up pissed off or very sad and I know that it has to do with her. Anyone else ever have that? Where you know what you were dreaming about, but can't remember specifics?

S21 has finally put his band back together. (It was on hold during the MLC mess.) Anyways, they are performing at a local bar on October 15th. It is their first show since getting back together and renaming the band. XW will be there and so will I. I know that she will want to be nice, friendly, cordial, civil.....but I don't want to be nice or even talk to her. I want to avoid her like the plague. Not sure what to do. I would like to not even go but I will for S21....

Tad