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Very nice! Keep up the good work


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Bart42 Offline OP
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Alright team, help me with this one which adds a level of difficulty for me. We have quarterly dinner parties. Four couples, alternating houses. It's our turn to host and W just texted me (I was out GALing at golf lessons) about picking a date. Now if I go with "I don't want to do any R activities while your R is with OM and not me" it's definitely going to cause some tension and spillover as our friends are so far clueless about our issues. Not sure I want our issues public at this point, but I don't want to pretend to the W we have a R either.

Makes me wonder about how you are supposed to handle the "life goes on" activities while practicing DB- going to weddings/birthday parties, dinner with couple friends, planning our annual winter trip, getting a rental for our summer week at the beach, etc- nothing specifically in the DB book that I saw, but it just seems super weird to try and be upbeat and GALing while refusing to do things like this.

Anybody who has been there have any specific advice on how you handle these more long term planning things while being in marital limbo with a spouse who wants to live in denial?


Me: 45 W:43
M: 15, T:21
2 Kids- S-14, D-12
A Started: 10/2013
Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014
A changing, not ending
Start DB'ing 9/2014
Same house, same bed
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I would say pick a date, host but be THE life of the party.... as in be Mr social butterfly, you are busy in the kitchen then busy making drinks, then talking to everyone in the room BUT your wife.

Don't ignore her but don't engage her. If she asks you a question answer it as if one of the other couples was asking them move on to another task/conversation.

Busy yourself with cleaning up and getting everyone another round of drinks. Basically this is still a social event for YOU and you can still enjoy yourself.

When the last person leaves make sure the kitchen is clean and go to bed with a "that was a really nice night, good night" to your wife.
And if she cooks the meal you could add in "dinner was delicious"


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 64
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Bart42 Offline OP
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Twinmom, you are great! Thanks so much- while I'm not the social butterfly I am the cook, and a damn good one according to all our friends so this should be my chance to shine on all points. Thanks for all the sage advice. I guess that means we keep planning the long term family stuff too? Just don't want to send mixed messages as I've already given the "you need to end the A and work on our R, but I'm not going to wait for ever" speech.

Last edited by Bart42; 09/13/14 10:39 PM.

Me: 45 W:43
M: 15, T:21
2 Kids- S-14, D-12
A Started: 10/2013
Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014
A changing, not ending
Start DB'ing 9/2014
Same house, same bed
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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Joined: Mar 2014
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Bart I would ask some of the vets here for help on the long term questions. My situation was a little complicated, but for Easter I hosted my family and his family (as usual) and H was invited (he was living with OW) but he didn't show up. I made the holiday the same for the kids as every other holiday except their dad wasn't here. I couldn't control that.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: twinmom
I would say pick a date, host but be THE life of the party.... as in be Mr social butterfly, you are busy in the kitchen then busy making drinks, then talking to everyone in the room BUT your wife.

Don't ignore her but don't engage her. If she asks you a question answer it as if one of the other couples was asking them move on to another task/conversation.

Busy yourself with cleaning up and getting everyone another round of drinks. Basically this is still a social event for YOU and you can still enjoy yourself.

When the last person leaves make sure the kitchen is clean and go to bed with a "that was a really nice night, good night" to your wife.
And if she cooks the meal you could add in "dinner was delicious"


This ^^^


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Bart42 Offline OP
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So what does mdu say? 1 step forward, 1000 steps back- well that was my Saturday night. GAL'ed all day, ran errands, and other than D's sporting event, had little contact with W. Came home, put on a football game and cooked a nice meal for the family. After dinner W shifts the conversation to her work and I validate her choices about going for a big promotion and offer some thoughts to consider when she develops her strategy. Nice conversation, I don't let it linger too long and I end it and start cleaning up. W says "thanks" and goes to give me a kiss, so instead of allowing that I turn and peck her on the cheek and walk away.

Then W's phone rings and it is OM. This is pretty ballsy and they always txt- he never calls her when she is home. I at least resist the urge to answer the call myself, but I show her her phone and she scurries into the other room to take the call. Apparently they didn't talk because she comes right back out. I try to play it cool by going to our room to try and relax instead of starting an argument, but w follows me and starts some BS story about how it was probably OM's Girlfriend using OMs phone. We start getting into the whole I state facts she denies pattern, which sucked and I wish I didn't go there. After a few minutes though I pull it back to "you need to end A, and I told you I will give you some time, but things like this are drastically shortening my ability to give you that time." Then I walked away and we avoided each other for the rest of the night. Lousy night sleep where my PMA disappeared and the demons came back- hate being back in that place.

In typical fashion, this morning it's like nothing happened last night. Complete avoidance and denial. I'd like to say "I will not tolerate OM calling you when you are in our home" but it's a weak boundary that she can't control and it's not like I'm going to pack my bags and move out the next time her phone rings and it's him.

I'm confused on whether I should be bringing this up again to set a boundary or letting it slide and not saying another word in true "as if" fashion- I made myself clear last night so not sure bringing it up again to set a weak boundary is the thing to do.

Anyway I've got about 4 hours to decide as I'm flying out this afternoon for a 4 day work trip, so contact will be limited with w for most of the week.

Last edited by Bart42; 09/14/14 02:24 PM.

Me: 45 W:43
M: 15, T:21
2 Kids- S-14, D-12
A Started: 10/2013
Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014
A changing, not ending
Start DB'ing 9/2014
Same house, same bed
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 64
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Bart42 Offline OP
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Guess that question is answered- Went to the family computer to print my boarding pass- she left the email application open and she registered for Match.com this morning. Also she changed the email account for it to a hushmail account I never new existed.

Wasn't snooping- it was just there plain as day. almost wonder if she wanted me to see it. Guess I'm not supposed to mention this one and keep GAL'ing? this isn't getting any easier!


Me: 45 W:43
M: 15, T:21
2 Kids- S-14, D-12
A Started: 10/2013
Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014
A changing, not ending
Start DB'ing 9/2014
Same house, same bed
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 64
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Bart42 Offline OP
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So we had a good hour talk, just the two of us catching up on various life and job stuff, including some personal commentary by her about how her IC is helping her and how she feels great these last few days. I felt it was personal and we connected. W mentions the OM call last night and says "I got a txt [from OM] apologizing for the call" (because she pretends they are not in constant contact). I decide to not dive back in and reply with "you know my stance on that issue".

.......and I just got in a taxi for my trip to the airport. W gives me a hug, says "I love you." I don't say anything but offer to help with S and D however I can while I'm away. I get in the cab and W. blows me goodbye kisses.

So so confused. I know this will be a roller coaster but I am sick to my stomach right now. So I'm not supposed to believe anything she says, but do I not believe the "I love you" part or the "I just signed up for a dating site with a secret email address" part? I feel like I don't know what the h*ll is going on- are we feeling good and connecting or are you looking for other men? It seems so so strange to keep DB'ing when I just want to shake her and say "WTF do you want????"

Big huge important week of business meetings this week that I need to be at the top of my game for, but all I want to do now is stay in my hotel room and be sick.

No idea how I'm supposed to handle this latest development. Off to re-read the rules again.

Last edited by Bart42; 09/14/14 06:17 PM.

Me: 45 W:43
M: 15, T:21
2 Kids- S-14, D-12
A Started: 10/2013
Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014
A changing, not ending
Start DB'ing 9/2014
Same house, same bed
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
She SAYS "I love you," she DOES sign up for a dating site and creates a secret email account in the process.

How is that in anyway "difficult" to figure out which is truth?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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