Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
lovenomatterwhat,

I would read (or re read) DR. I know you say your relationship has not been better superficially at least than it has in a long time. My M was the same way after our original BD about a year ago. After about a month from that day, I thought we were working through things, as things got really well between us. However, it all went downhill months later when I discovered her A. This summer I come to find out from her she never really was giving our M a chance during the time I thought we were working things through.

So I would be wary of 'thinking' you are working on things simply because you guys are outwardly getting along, and going on dates. I say read or re read DR because what stood out to me was the part where after a WAW checks out, she basically quits the nagging, and other behavior which the H thinks of as negatives (and she thought of as trying to fix things) because she has emotionally moved on. The fact she will not quit contact with her OM, and does not give you any physical intimacy really stands out like a huge red flag to those of us who have been down that road.

As for advice on what you should do, I really cannot offer any. I do not know enough about your situation, past and current, to fairly do so. I also know how hard it will be for you to take what you are getting, and make the choice to back off from it. On the surface though, it would seem you need to set boundaries on the entire OM situation. And more importantly, stick with your boundaries. I have a feeling though, I know what your W is going to decide, and I know how much hurt that will cause you. I do think though, she is letting you live with blinders on while she cake eats.

Sorry if I sound negative, I really hope I am wrong and you both are truly working towards saving your M. From what I read though, I do not think this is the case.

Best of luck to you...


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
There's the rub

A demand like, you need to find a new job, is trying to control things, and is likely going to cause an avalanche (in my case).

I guess that goes beyond stating and enforcing my boundaries - and into "this is you should do to work with my boundaries"

In my situation, she is new into this career, a big break for her, a way to change from a SAHM role and to get past another job that she didn't like and wasn't valued in. I will not push her to quit this job yet but am encouraging and excited when she talks about other career paths (she knows why).

We have both talked about the fact that things are not going to be right with us until they aren't working together (and even then maybe not)(I've denied this in the past and she has stated this many times - she is probably right).

She seems be looking for different paths within the same company, so she is aware of this as being helpful, but I don't know what her priorities are at the moment.

I am not naive enough to think that just because their opportunity is gone that their feelings will be gone.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
She had an affair with the man! She flat out told you she won't stop seeing/contacting him. She won't let you kiss her.....much less have sex. Now you are trying to believe they are just friends b/c she grew up with brothers?

Trust me, if they had a brother/sister R......or even just a friendship......she would not be so protective over her phone or scared to lay it down. You feel disrespected b/c you ARE!!

Almost every W in an A will claim two things. (1) they are just friends (2) you are controlling whenever you seek verification.

It is not controling, but it can be affair proofing your M. So just b/c she throws a fit and twists tbe truth, don't start believing her crap. You stopped counseling, then haven't brought up OM in three months. She thinks she has you brained washed to the point of beleiving anything!

Can a W pretend to have a good R with her H......except for gaslighting.....and no intimacy, of course. You bet'cha.

Wake up and be smart. She is playing you.

Don't discuss OM with her. Not yet. You need to think about what you really want. Think about what you will not live without in your personal life....and what you won't tolerate. That will help to lay the foundation for your personal boundaries. Boundaries are not about controling her. It is about protecting youself.

Get alone and take a long, deep look in a full length mirror. Study the man you see, and compare him to the man you were before M. Be painfully honest with yourself and digg deep.
Next, list ways to become the man you use to be.....or better. Make short term goals that will keep you on track while you are improving as a man. All of this is about you...not her.

More later......


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 273
Sorry to hijack guys but could you look at my thread Sandi. Have I gone too far?


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
OM confirmed Jun 14
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I really appreciate it.

Quote:
Get alone and take a long, deep look in a full length mirror. Study the man you see, and compare him to the man you were before M. Be painfully honest with yourself and digg deep.
Next, list ways to become the man you use to be.....or better. Make short term goals that will keep you on track while you are improving as a man. All of this is about you...not her.


I will definitely do this. I know once the topic of OM is brought up, things will go south really fast so I want to make sure I am really acting out of intention and in terms of what I want in life vs acting out of emotions. I want to save this marriage but at the same time, the last 2 years have been such a roller coaster that I am ready to move on if it means avoiding another 6 months of limbo. I think for the first time, though, I am at a place where emotionally I am stable. Sure I have some sad moments here and there but for the most part I am excited about life and know that I will be okay if she is not there. That said, I very much would like my family to be in tact but know that I have no control over her decisions - only my actions.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
You need a plan of action for yourself. Know what you are doing. "Taking whatever may happen" as some people may say, is not a clear plan. That's why I suggested you do some deep thinking about your values and principles, your belief system.

You can't talk your way into a better R with her. Neither does avoiding conflict work. I get the sense you may be a conflict avoider. Don't decide to leave the M as a way of avoiding problems, if you want to stay M. If you leave it, it needs to be based on your core values, and not avoidance. Make sense?

I hope one of your boundaries is respect. A woman has to respect her H! It is an absolute necessity if he ever wants her to be sexually attracted and feel those "in love" feelings for him.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hope to hear from you again.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 189
I'm still here. I think my latest post got deleted during the server update. Anyway, I've really been struggling here with what the right approach is here.

I know that I do not want OM in my wife's life - that faithfulness, openness and honesty are fundamental values that I want in any relationship.

So the DB in me tells me that I should weigh this out, continue to love my wife, go on dates, stay positive/upbeat, and to not bring up OM in hope that the changes my W sees in me will cause her to want to leave OM. This was the approach that I took about a year ago (minus some screw ups here and there).

The other side of me wants to talk to my wife about this. I feel that going down this road will cause whatever progress has been made to go down the drain real quickly and I doubt it will cause wife to want to end friendship with OM. This approach seems to be the quickest way to divorce.

That said, it bothers me that see is still with OM and I don't know what will give the marriage the best chance in her leaving OM for good. Do I weigh this out and hope she changes like DB teaches or do I need to smell the roses and realize that she probably will never leave OM, even if it just a friendship?

I've been thinking about what pilot said in a previous post about outwardly getting alone with wife while still continuing the affair. We are at a place where we've been consistently having good conversations, doing things together and spending time as a family. She lets me massage her at night but still no intimacy or any of that loving baby talk that couples do when they are in love. She does call me by my pet name and will tell me she loves me but only if I tell her that first. Yet, she continues to confide in OM, go to lunch with me and worse yet, is moving in the same department as he is. So for me, it is hard to move on when OM is still in her life and that she is still very secretive with this (she even brought a safe and told me it was to keep me from getting into her stuff).

I want my marriage to be saved and I love my wife, but it is hard to see a long term future with trust and intimacy (not just physical but emotional also) when she continues to confide in OM even if it is under the guise of just being friends. I know that OM is a boundary I want to have but is it wise to enforce that boundary now and risk the marriage altogether vs giving her more time, etc.

Completely lost here...

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 25
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 25
I don't have any advice but I'm sorry your dealing with an om, it's so hard isn't it!

My h was in an ea last winter with a neighbor, she had filed for d from her h, and calling my h all the time, spending her nights with my h playing cards, watching football, and they both were divulging how horrible their spouses were to each other.
I couldn't take it anymore and had a talk with her one day explaining how I felt in which she said she was sorry and never thought about me because she was so distraught .
I also ask my h what's up? Told him he was being disrespectful to me , giving his time to ow, talking about our personal problems to her, etc...
His reply was anger, and of course that they were just friends. They started hiding there interactions more after that, but he wouldn't do one thing pertaining to her that I ask him, wouldn't even admit it looked bad from where I was standing. He said if I don't trust him we had nothing, and that I'm crazy and controlling for trying to make him get rid of his friends. So I know your in a bad place. Nothing I said changed anything with the ea they were having, in fact it made it worse.


M 2005 ~together 1997
Bd 2006 & 04/02/2014
1 dd 12
H~ 44 Me 48
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 75
I'm sorry to see you in this mess. I know the feeling, my heart goes out to you!

I am in a smiliar sitch, but W doesnt talk to the OM and it was a one time thing.

However, she does have male F's. She never used to have many, if at all. It's tough, but all I can say is continue to DB until your heart is no longer in it. Becasue at that point, you would be only hurting yourself.

Interested in the Vets input.


ME: 29 / W: 29
M: 10 (11 in March 2015)
BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14
S:12 / S: 7
"We need to separate" : 08/31/14
Wants to see others: 10/11/14
Separation looming
Page 2 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard