This is Bob-Still hanging on

[Hope414]

Bob, it is probably going to look like I’m stomping on kittens but I’m going to call you out on your last post.

I noticed your heart wrenching, anguish filled post didn't discuss solutions.

If I did not know this was written by a grown man I would think a teenage boy wrote this. Did you actually read what you wrote?

If you will “always love your wife” then do something about it now. Do not “always love your wife” while setting your marriage on fire. Teenagers have a “Romanized” view of love made unattainable by Disney movies. The concept of “loving someone forever” is a great idea if you plan to be with that person forever. If not “loving someone forever” is destructive.

It hinders forward progress in other relationships because you will compare your current relationship with an idealized version of a failed relationship.

If you have a movie real in your head of good times then so does your wife. Do you understand how movies work? You say you have a movie in your head. So does she.

You think your wife’s movies are about good times because your movies are about good times. This is your mistake.

You think she is interpreting your gestures as kind because you think they are kind. Again, this is your mistake.

Your wife is interpreting your gestures through her eyes. Not yours.

Maybe her movies are about your failure to commit. Maybe she is making new movies with men she is dating right now. You don’t know because you aren’t communicating with her.

She doesn’t know why you gave her the assets. Maybe she thinks you did it because you want to get rid of her. You just said this is why she paid all the bills from her 2nd marriage.

Every day of silence is one more day you lose in taking a positive step toward rebuilding your marriage.

You say that you don't know how to get out of the cycle. This is untrue. Of course you know how to get out of the cycle. Change your behavior.

A more accurate statement is you are deeply disturbed over your inability to compromise and if your wife doesn’t give in you don’t see any hope for your marriage. So you are trying to set yourself up to be her “hero” in case you do get a divorce. This way she won’t hate you. You think if she doesn’t hate you then you still have a chance.

But you have your chance right now and you are blowing it to pieces.

I know she is the only major relationship you have ever had but this is not an excuse for your insensitivity. And Bob you are insensitive.

Read the last email she wrote to you. She said she thought she was in “this amazingly intimate relationship. And suddenly I learned that I was wrong.”

You have let this statement go unanswered for over a month. You should have responded to it right away with, “You weren’t wrong. We are in an amazingly intimate relationship. We’re just in a rough patch right now.”

You want instructions on how to be a better husband? This is where you start. Learn to care about your wife. When your wife pleads for reassurance that she is in an intimate relationship not only do you give her reassurance but you do it without a request. And then you go one step further--whatever that may be--until she no longer needs to be reassured.

That is what being a good husband is.

[claire7]

Bob,

Are you in IC? You sound depressed... from my own experience my depression led me to have a very irrational and distorted view of myself... and I also felt very hopeless.

If you are not seeing an IC, I urge you to get help immediately.

Please keep in mind that, while you do bear your share of responsibility for your relationship with W, she has played a role, too. This is not 100% your fault. You can only control you. But you CAN control you.

With help, you CAN change negative thought patterns and develop tools to help you manage R better-- not just with W but with everyone in your life.

You are not a terrible person, and you do not need to suffer alone.

[Ss06]

Bob,

I'm sorry you're feeling so in despair. That's what it sounds like to me. You just want her pain to stop and you think you caused it all. It's just not true, despite what she says. It just isn't.

I agree with Claire. You need to speak to someone and you are likely depressed. Given all you're facing, don't take that as another failure. It takes courage to see and admit when you're not operating at 100% and to reach out for help. Do that for yourself. You deserve that and it's a first step toward making yourself so amazing she'd be a fool to continue without out.

You can do this. This ONE thing for YOU. Do it.

Please check in with us.

[Bob1967]

I am seeing a therapist for over a year. She has me on anti-depressants.

I wanted to open the lines of communication so I forwarded my wife an email from the homeowners association this morning. All the emails from the homeowners association come to my email account instead of hers.

My wife hasn't responded.

[KGirl]

We really do want to help you help yourself here in hopes of improving your M, if that's what you want and what your goal is.

I am seeing a therapist for over a year. She has me on anti-depressants.

I wanted to open the lines of communication so I forwarded my wife an email from the homeowners association this morning. All the emails from the homeowners association come to my email account instead of hers.

My wife hasn't responded.

I'm going to be blunt because I think that may be more effective than asking you to look at this more closely and think about it, given what I and other posters have mentioned before... I don't intend for this to be mean or harsh, just straightforward so it's clear. This is the same communication pattern you're repeating again of not asking for what you want, then not getting what you want, then getting mad at her. Did you ask her a question in the email? Was there something she actually needed to respond to? If not, there is no reason for her to respond and no reason for you to take it as an affront. Not to mention the fact that it's still the same day you sent it. Maybe she's busy. Are you willing to change this communication style? It seems to me that you expect her to know what you want or feel and then when she does not (because you don't make your needs or wants clear) you get upset with her and use it to further justify your position.

If you want to open lines of communication, there are other ways to do that that are more straightforward. Maybe an email that says "How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and just wanted to check in." or whatever you are in fact actually thinking. Did you ever actually contact her and ask to see the dog?

[claire7]

Bob,

Do you feel like you have made any progress with your therapist? Do you feel like the meds are helping to control toxic, distorted thinking? There are different people and different meds that might work better for you.

I felt the positive impact of mine within days, both a major physical change and also stopped hearing negative distorted thoughts in my head- and I started these meds AFTER my H left! And I also felt a major change when my scrip ran out and I didn't take them for 3 days.

I also felt a big difference when I switched therapists. It took a lot of courage for me to "break up" with my therapist, but it wasnt a good fit for me and my mental health is too important...

Maybe you just don't have the right combination yet.

Dig deep, Bob. Are you ready to make important changes to you? We are rooting for you.

[Bob1967]

As you know on August 26 I sent my wife an email saying the following:

"I have attached the word documents to correspond with the separation documents I sent. Could you please forward my mail. If you send it COD that is fine. If you need any help around the house let me know."

It has been 18 days and I still haven't received my mail.

The original separation papers I filed with the court listed our home address listed as my contact information. Today I filed a change of address with the court. It now has my apartment address as my contact info.

I sent her a copy of the filing with a note that said:

"I am not getting any mail so I just filled out the form. If you need anything just give me a call."

[Hope414]

Bob, your W is not going to respond.

Stop what you are doing. I walked this same destructive path. I did the same things to my H and did it with the same weeping resignation.

Bob, you need to realize you are bombing a deserted village. My IC taught me this. You think you are throwing bombs at your W but you are really bombing a deserted village. Your W moved out of the village after the last series of bombs you lobbed at her.

Your W said she was leaving the village but you weren’t listening. Your W said she thought she was in “this amazingly intimate relationship” and “suddenly learned she was wrong.”

Your response?

You sent your W an email whining about your pain, then filed a legal separation, then divided your property, then asked for your mail, and then showed concern for your dog.

The only time she exists is when she is on the passive/aggressive end of your harassing conduct--which goes unnoticed because as you do these things you anguish about unbearable pain you are suffering.

It's a common passive/aggressive trick. If we focus on your pain we ignore what you do to your W. Mr. Bond discussed this with you weeks ago.

Filing this court document is your latest attempt to get a rise out of her. You want her to get angry so you can take the moral high ground. “It’s not my fault—I had to do this. You weren’t giving me my mail.”

Bunk! Your exile is self-imposed. Nothing is stopping you from walking into your home, petting your dog and picking up your mail. You have not posted anything saying she filed a restraining order against you. Or she told you to stay away.

To the contrary. You want to avoid her because you don’t want drama.

I don’t see your W causing drama. I see her ignoring your obnoxious behavior. The more she ignores you the more obnoxious you become. Like a child poking his sibling you won’t quit!

Is this how you behave right before she launches into her “terrifying rage” that makes her so awful to live with?

You say you have been seeing an IC for over a year. I am in agreement with Claire7—it may be time to break up with your therapist. At the minimum I urge you to seek a second opinion regarding your conflict resolution skills.

[Hope414]

Bob, do you have a large support group "cheering" on a D as opposed to a large support group helping you resolve your M problems? (Which, by the way are not abnormal.)

You try very hard to be the victim. People who love us want us to stop hurting. If you have worked as hard to convince them your W if abusive as you have worked to convince us I can see your dilemma.

Do you feel your W has to make the big moves so you can justify saving your M to your friends and family?

[Bob1967]

Yes, in the beginning I told everyone about the problems I was having in my marriage and they encouraged me to divorce my wife.

Now, I rarely discuss my marriage with friends and family. I think the topic makes everyone uncomfortable.

They just want me to be happy.