Sandi you are right. Need to be less available. Ignored a phone call yesterday. Tonight got a phone call ignored it. And twenty minutes later a text asking if we where home. Stupidly said we where at a old neutral friends.
Give me more if you get a chance. Because I think your on the right track.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
The issue of you being there fof her emotionally? I think you are doing it as much out of you own EN as hers. As the LBH, you have that need to connect with her. As I told you before, she has two men meeting her needs.
In your logical VP, it seems she would realize how important a part you play in her life. However, she won't really "see" it until it is no longer available.
Here's what doesn't make sense. A couple can seperate and she still acts as if he is her part time husband for whenever she "needs" him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What specifically is she asking for/asking for you to do?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Well, even though I know I shouldn't have I returned one of her phone calls today. She didn't leave a message so I called her back. She was calling me to come and get her and take her in to the doctor because she was having major anxiety attacks. She refuses to go in on her own. She has even asked the nurse at her work what she should do as far as the attacks go. She did not attend school again today because of that reason and others. Today I told her I would take her in if she needs to but with my busy schedual with the kids and after school actvities she would have to let me know. I told her if the reason she is not going in is because of me then she should ask her mother to take her in. And she said no that it HAD to be me. I validated for some reason, don't know why. We talked about money and bills and kids and ended the phone call.
How or what do I do to help this cycle. I don't want to be a jerk or anything mean. I do care about her a lot. I am lost at the correct course of action.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Hi 3kids, yes, I tried being the nice doormat too. It didn't work for me, but maybe it'll work for you. Just kidding, it doesn't work for anyone.
If she is in an A, then she has chosen her path. Didn't Sandi tell you W is having all of her needs being met by two men? Why should she change?
My 2 cents, stop answering the phone. Force her to text you, if that's easier for you. But learn the most powerful word in the English Dictionary: "No", and leave it at that.
I have not read your whole thread so forgive me if I miss an important detail.
But my 3 questions and 2 comments are semi universal, so here they are:
1) do you have a DB coach? I found them to be true Godsends that can help you clear your mind and keep the path in your head a lot clearer too. MY DB coach was absolutely the woman I needed advising me at the hardest time of my marriage. The DB coaches are cheaper than divorce, and when added up in a package their costs are comparable to others therapists (who don't take insurance)
2) what are the issues your wife would say are YOURS to work on? IOW, what would She say was wrong with the marriage, and what of those things are you working on?
3) along those same lines, what are the 180s you are doing, that may trigger some 2nd guessing on her end,( which we want!) to counter the negatives she's using to justify leaving?
Bottom line is this: NO WAW will return to the marriage she left
UNLESS---
she believes the marriage can be better/different than before.
How are YOU demonstrating that to her?
And finally, here's the "math" of it: consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, even though I know I shouldn't have I returned one of her phone calls today. She didn't leave a message so I called her back. She was calling me to come and get her and take her in to the doctor because she was having major anxiety attacks. She refuses to go in on her own.
During a panic attack, it's hard to drive safely. I"m glad she's seeking help and reached out to YOU...and btw, "in sickness and in health" are easy things to say. THESE are the times those parts of our vows are tested.
Clearly your wife is NOT well, so please keep that in mind...
She has even asked the nurse at her work what she should do as far as the attacks go. She did not attend school again today because of that reason and others. ???
Today I told her I would take her in if she needs to but with my busy schedual with the kids and after school actvities she would have to let me know. I told her if the reason she is not going in is because of me then she should ask her mother to take her in. And she said no that it HAD to be me. I validated for some reason, don't know why. well, because it's a positive that's why!!
We talked about money and bills and kids and ended the phone call.
How or what do I do to help this cycle. I don't want to be a jerk or anything mean. I do care about her a lot. I am lost at the correct course of action.
Helping the mother of your children when she is physiologically unwell, is NOT doormat behavior. It's compassionate, it takes strength, but if need be, if you cannot muster that up inside, then see it as something you are doing for your children.
Imagine how you'd feel if
1) she reached out to OM, instead of you during a panic attack; and or
2) how you'd feel if she crashed on her way to a doctor b/c you refused to help her b/c you were "setting a boundary" for her to follow - even while ill.
Food for thought?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
