Thinking a lot about things I want to ask H about the affair and here's what I've come up with wanting to know at this time. If H is open to it, I am thinking of emailing the list to him and telling him we can discuss whenever he feels comfortable/ready.
Feedback very welcome.
• I know talking was a very important factor in your unhappiness and the affair. I would like to work on making that better for us. What are some things that you would like to talk to me about but felt that you couldn’t? What can I do to help you feel more comfortable opening up to me? • I believe being able to openly talk about our attraction to others will be important in helping ensure this doesn’t happen again. When exactly did your attraction to her begin? If you could go back in time and we had a marriage where you were comfortable discussing these things when do you think you should have first told me about her? I have often said that you should have come home the night you first kissed her and told me but the more I think about it the more I wonder if you should have told me about your attraction even before that. What are your thoughts? • You mentioned that when the affair began you felt that I did not love you. What are some things I do that make you feel loved? What should I be doing more (or less) of to ensure you feel I love you? • How did the affair make you feel about yourself? Confident, attractive, smart, respected, sexy, romantic, others? Which feelings meant the most to you during the Affair?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I am definitely giving her way more headspace than she deserves and will likely distract from the real, underlying issues in our M.
I have been feeling like not wanting to see her says something negative about me, like that I'm too chicken to face up to her. When actually I think it means that I'm playing this smart. It really would contribute nothing to saving my M by seeing her and having a concrete visual. And that gives her too much power. I don't want to get caught up in that and distracted from our real goals.
Yes, yes, yes. Stick with this. She's road kill, already.
As for your list above, I want to hear what others have to say. Keep in mind we have opposite genders in each role. I can see myself asking my WW those questions, and I think she'd jump all over it, because it's so touchy feely. However, if she came at me with that list, I would be praying for the heavens to open up and take me. I don't know, maybe as a wayward, the recognition of the damage and desire to fix it would get me through. Now that's just me, and maybe that's why I am where I am today. Just a first impression. I'll shut up now, because I have no standing, and I'm probably about to learn something.
Agree with Zew. That list would make me run for the hills. Men are simple creatures; maybe just see if you can get him talking about the 2nd-to-last bullet point.
Thx for the feedback. I will definitely keep it under wraps and maybe just focus on the 2nd to last bullet as you suggested, Starsky.
Having said that, I wonder if it's the volume that is a turn off more than the individual questions themselves? Like it's just all too much at once? As we all know, I do tend to want to push and plough through things. I'm wondering if a better strategy would be keeping a list to myself and maybe slowly bringing them up individually when the timing seems right and like he's open to it. That way I can get what I need but do it at a pace and in a manner that would be more comfortable for him?
Thoughts?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thankfully Starsky backed me up on this. Maybe it's not just me.
You know your H better than we do. Was he ever capable of such a conversation? If so, I'd proceed very very slowly. And the second to last point is definitely the easiest place to start. The answer you get to that question may quell the urge to ask some of the others.
Thanks zew. I will definitely take it very slowly. This type of convo is definitely NOT a strength for H. I think the most important questions to me are bullets #2 and #3. I will try to find a good time to attempt discussing #3, see how it goes and if I feel the need to try #2 after that or not.
I seriously do not feel like I understand men AT ALL these days. It's really eye opening.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Having said that, I wonder if it's the volume that is a turn off more than the individual questions themselves? Like it's just all too much at once? As we all know, I do tend to want to push and plough through things. I'm wondering if a better strategy would be keeping a list to myself and maybe slowly bringing them up individually when the timing seems right and like he's open to it. That way I can get what I need but do it at a pace and in a manner that would be more comfortable for him?
BINGO.....
Men HATE relationship talks all the time...
How about just having some fun and enjoying things?? Can't you do that? All you seem to want to do is talk about the relationship.
As you mentioned,slowly bringing things up is your best option if you have to.....
Have some fun and enjoy things JUST as they are for awhile. Not only for him, but for YOU... Some women just have to have something to worry about. Addicted to worry.
Had an interesting day. Felt pretty depressed, wanting H home. Actually lazed around quite a bit (NOT good for my PMA!!!). Kids had friends over and they kind of destroyed the house bc I was not keeping a close eye, lol! I really wanted to call H and start trying to guilt and manipulate him into coming home. I nearly did, several times. But ultimately resisted the urge. Finally I sent H a text just saying Hello. He immediate replied and asked about my day. A very pleasant chatty exchange followed. I am so glad I resisted the temptation to control. It's so freakin counter productive but feels so RIGHT in the moment. Man, I really struggle with it when things don't go precisely MY way!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I think I've mentioned before my stepson is getting married in October. His fiancé's bridal shower was yesterday. She and I are pretty close, she is really upset over what's going on with me and H. Someone took a really nice picture of she and I and she actually sent it to H. His parents both have digital frames and H forwarded the picture to both their frames. I thought that was very sweet of him and a very positive sign. Now imagine if I had made that call I mentioned in my post above and tried to manipulate and pressure him into coming home?? I'm glad I didn't act but wish I were at the point where I didn't even have the urge.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
These posts take me back a few months, to a time when you swore your H didn't have it in him to step up to the plate and lead in your M.
It reminds me of how much we ALL have to learn ... because we really know so little about our own relationships when we find ourselves here, even though we think (or assume) we have our spouses figured out.
Not that *I* matter in the grand scheme of things, but you are blowing me away, more and more, with how you are dealing with things these days. You aren't losing your cool. You are choosing - even with repeated opportunities - not to push or guilt H like you've done in the past. You are rationalizing, thinking forward instead of looking back. You are giving H the wheel.
It's great to see a new, improved mdu.
I'm betting H feels the same.
You are KILLIN' it!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
