Inside my chrysalis 3

[Card29]

Wise words, labug.

[Ss06]

All very helpful advice, guys. I thank you.

I want to figure out WHY I'm so verbally reactive. What am I protecting? Why am I so fast to assume the worst? I really need to explore this and practice more. I wonder though if the WHY isn't so important. I just need to figure out how to stop. Completely.

Is it weird to have a friend push my buttons on purpose so I can practice my responses? I'm kidding. Mostly.

H has stated he wishes I were more empathetic. I wonder if that's where I should start. I definitely lack empathy (but I promise I'm not a sociopath) and I know where it comes from. Boy, there's a lot of work to do here.

Ok, things I'm working on to be a better me:

1. Empathy - Put myself in other people's shoes BEFORE responding and stay there. I need to stop feeling like everyone is always complaining which evokes an internal "eye rolling" response within me.

2. Reactivity - I need to STFU and stop defending pansies with an ooze. The angst in my chest that makes me want to respond with anger and sarcasm and defensiveness usually screams louder than any sense of calm or call toward empathy. I have to figure out what that is all about.

This is where it really begins. I'm on to something big here. This is super hard. Small steps though, so I can REALLY make this part of my personality like you said Card.

[Card29]

I'm no psychologist, but there is no magic pill or technique to suddenly become more empathetic. Just sustained effort and time. Maybe you could start an "empathy journal", where you journal interactions with WAH, and anyone else, where you were or could have been empathetic. This might not be your learning style, but when I started the "reaction journal" for WAW (per DR), I quickly picked up on what was and wasn't working. If you kept one, it would become easier and easier for you to consciously pursue empathy during a conversation. Eventually you could pursue empathy when you might normally have a very aggressive, self-serving response. Keep it up for years, and that's how you change your personality.

[Ss06]

An "empathy journal" is precisely what I'm going to do, Card. Perhaps a "reaction journal", too. Strangely, for me, they seem to be related. My lack of empathy makes me react. Blech. What ugly personality traits

I am not a patient person so reading "keep it up for years, and that's how you change your personality" makes me feel like I'm never going to get there but I will. And it will take years.

With your "reaction journal", Card, do you find that sometimes you have to fake it so you can get there? I'm curious about how others clean up their reactions.

[LisaB]

Hi Ss! Missed you!

I have to say I am quite reactive also and have a hard time biting my tongue. People who are stupid and annoying really set me off and I have a hard time not biting their heads off immediately.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but the only thing I try to do is shut up and take a deep breath. It's a process... Also I try to avoid annoying people and situations if I can, that way I don't have a million annoyances in my life. That might sound very simplistic but I realized that I have quite a few friends in my life that can be highly irritating, and although I love them I should not spend too much time with them or I become irritable.

Others have said meditation can help with stopping reactive behavior. And of course exercise.

As far as empathy, well, you seem caring and empathetic to ME! You are always helping and giving great advice to people on here. And honestly your H sounds like a bit of a wimp... The PTSD thing still has me flummoxed. So maybe it isn't empathy you need, but just a calmer way of talking with him.

Hope you are doing well!

Hugs, Lisa

[Ss06]

Aww, Lisa, I missed you too!

I've always said that stupidity should be painful because there'd be a whole lot less of it around. Stupid and annoying set me off, too but I have to admit, when it comes to people I love, I am short with them when they don't think like me or do things the way I think is best.

I'll admit, I'm efficient, effective, have incredible forethought and a great task master on all accounts BUT all of that has very little to do with feelings.

Plus, I'll admit, I'm a bit prejudiced against men. I know that sounds weird but I swear my father didn't have an unplanned emotion and I noticed that very early on. I think I've built on the understanding that men are less emotional so I've mentally decided that men are emotionless. Talk about a gross over generalization that is clearly just not true.

When speaking with H, I have to constantly remind myself that the man has feelings. That he's not just a brilliant composer who is also a confused, ADHD lump constantly looking for his keys. There are feelings and thoughts and hopes and expectations there, too. I have been BAD about seeing him as basically human and I'm so ashamed by that realization.

I'm under no illusion why he left. It hurts but I've never been more clear on what I need to do.

Add to that

[Card29]

Hi Ss,

My "reaction journal" was actually a journal of her reactions towards my words/actions. I started it in the middle of my pleading/begging/chasing/needing stage after BD. From the journal, I quickly saw how all of those things were hurting my chances. I drove her further away, etc. I didn't have to keep the journal long because those were relatively easy traits for me to change, since they were coming from emotion and not my normal personality.

For you, the journal would need to be long-term. And yes, you would probably have to fake it for a while. It will take a very concerted effort. If you stick with it, it will become more and more natural, but the tendency will be deep inside of you for a long time. I know some people apply the Years-Months rule towards marriage reconciliation (however many years you've been together, that's how many months of doing it right it will take to have permanent change)...maybe it could be applied to this. However many years you've had limited empathy (36?), that's how many months of concerted effort to change it will take before you can truly say you're empathetic.

I fully admit that I made that last part up, but it makes sense to me when you are talking about personality change.

Also, I recently saw something that Daniel Dennett wrote (an atheist philosopher...I am as Christian as they come, but it is foolish to think you can't learn something from someone of a different faith background. Plus, the quote really has nothing to do with atheism):

How to compose a successful critical commentary:

1.You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.

2.You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).

3.You should mention anything you have learned from your target.

4.Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.

Notice that the first 3 out of 4 steps are empathy-based! Now think about most humans' natural tendencies when it comes to conflict (me! me! me!), and it is no wonder that marriages fall apart so frequently. These rules are probably meant more for philosophical or scientific debate, but I don't see why they can't be applied to conflicts within relationships.

[Ss06]

Wow, Card. It's like you're here for me today. Thank you! Mr. Dennett's 4 questions REALLY are a good basis for breaking down understanding, showing empathy and it's also a start of validation. Impressive. I'm going to put them into my journal and refer to them frequently.

Your time table also makes sense. So much of my reactivity just feels like it happens. Like it's more than just a habit that's hard to break. It feels uncontrollable but I know that's not true with conscious effort and awareness.

We were married 12 years at BD and I can easily see how AT LEAST 12 months of effort is necessary to show him that I'm serious about these changes but I also am fully aware that it will likely take longer. I've done serious damage.

I do love how the process of change requires you to defy just about everything you know as truth or learned through your childhood. You don't have to be defined by all that if you're diligent enough to make the change and make it stick.

[Card29]

I had a terrible night and morning. Really backslid on my detachment. So I've had to turn to the good folks at DB for perspective, encouragement and even a 2x4 if someone offers it

[gan]

Ss, I think a lot of us ladies here struggle with being reactive communicators. I know this is an area I am trying to work on, too, even though my H never said specifically that it was an issue. It's just something I've never liked about myself.

Have you read Non-Violent Communication by Rosenberg? There are some useful ideas in there though I find them tough to implement. Understanding triggers is important but so too is shifting the goal of communication - away from trying to get your point across and towards being genuinely curious about the meaning in the other person's words. I guess that's kind of like #1 in Card's list.