Ss, that all sounds great! I know what you mean about the fog lifting due to the S, as I feel the same way about my situation. I still wish the S hadn't happened (and that it would end soon), but I think my perspective is much clearer now because of it.
Re: solving problems, everything I've read about long-term relationships says that all couples have unresolvable problems. The difference between couples who are happy and couples who are unhappy is that the happy couples learn how to manage those differences. I definitely see where my H and I had good intentions, but we tried to manage our differences in different ways -- which led to a lot of unintentional miscommunication and hurt feelings. One of the things I'm working on now is to accept the differences and not be intimidated by them.
And yay for getting him to agree to some 1:1 time in October. I see lots of positives in your interactions with your H -- keep it up!
Sounds like you are doing GREAT with PMA!!! I'm happy for you!
And good for you for seeing the ways you can change your behavior and interactions for the better. Keep those in mind going forward and you are sure to do well.
I'm really happy you are doing so well! Keep up the great attitude!
My PMA is really great. I feel like I'm glowing which I'm not sure I've ever felt before. Want to know my secret?
GOOD MUSIC!!! Seriously, it changes everything for me. I should post my playlists because I can't tell you what this music is doing to heal my heart (first rule of thumb, NO ADELE!).
And sometimes, just rolling down the windows and rocking out to Stevie Wonder simply changes the chemistry of my thoughts. It's hard to say "woe is me" when you're rockin' out!
Lisa, the perfume I got is Ralph Lauren Romance (not to be mistaken for Ralph Lauren Midnight Romance!). It's feminine, slightly citrus-y (less lemon/orange more pink grapefruit) and every so slightly floral. Perfect for me.
Maybell, the job search is steady. Who knew I was so freaking over-qualified for every job out there? It's like a curse but I'm being patient. If I didn't have a child, I'd take the first thing that came along no matter the commute but that's just not an option so a job that's local seems to make things harder. It's hard to be patient but somehow I am.
labug, I love seeing you around my thread! Patience is definitely something I am learning through this process.
It's funny how you have to be patient while you learn to be patient. It's like the universe is laughing at me while I figure that out.
Definitely no Adele! All those songs are about heartbreak! Love the advice about good music. I've been listening to the podcast "Downtown Soulville" -- highly recommended as a pick-me-up. Music, friends, exercise, being outside in nature -- these things do seem to help. Glad you're doing well and finding the things that bring you joy.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Who was it that was talking about how the little things completely throw us off our paths? One text exchange and I'm spinning a bit. Not a lot but a bit...
I think after the recent talk with H about him needing time to see his IC and to get over his anger and his Ss-induced-ptsd, I've been choosing the see only the positive in all of that but perhaps I'm not being realistic.
Here me out here:
I see myself as rather rational at the moment. Clear headed and grounded. I feel I see our situation as it actually was. We had HUGE problems. Insurmountable problems. 18 years of unresolved stuff. Some of that will never get resolved, I realize that but some of the other stuff I now have a guide on how to address it at least. This is BIG because so much of our marriage was stagnant because we had no idea HOW.
1. I am finding myself resentful that I am STILL the one coming up with solutions. He always just kind of sat there stunned with no solutions, even when pressed and pushed. He just couldn't come up with any while I always had a list of ideas. Therapy. A retreat. Date nights more often where we focused on connecting. This book. That book. This technique. That idea. None of it worked for more than a few days because not only did I have to come up with the idea, I had to implement it and encourage it and maintain it. ALWAYS.
2. I am not under the illusion that I was an amazing wife and H is completely nuts for wanting a D. No. I get it. What I don't understand is his incredible fragility.
One of his complaints was that I emasculated him. I won't deny it. I have thought about this a lot and I think the reason why was my sick way of motivating him to be MORE of a man. That clearly backfired and didn't work but I kept doing it. Dumb. Arguably abusive, in fact.
Isn't H's severe fragility and "ptsd" sort of self-emasculating? Call me out on this if you disagree or have a different perspective, please!
I can understand being hurt. I can understand feeling "dead inside" but once there is a solution proposed that seems like it could actually work and makes good sense, doesn't that help heal? Not for H. He's still "dead inside".
I guess Iam feeling like he's soaking and festering in his resentment and anger and fragility and "ptsd". Does that make sense? At what point does he get up and say, "I want to feel differently and I have control over that!"???
He has no desire to change his mental perspective. It's just down, down, down, all the time. It's draining to be a pessimist but it's draining to be married to one, too.
Perhaps I'm belittling his feelings, that isn't my intention.
How do I honor his feelings while still wondering if he's acting like a victim who is self-emasculating himself in the process??
And I suppose there's no way to actually call him on that, huh?
Nope. Didn't think so.
All of this came about because my BFF, her husband and her 9 week old daughter are coming into town this weekend. They are technically our best friends in the whole world but since the separation H has decided they are "my friends". Ok. How noble of you.
They are coming into town and want to see him and have him meet their new daughter. I texted him to tell him this.
H Ok, I'm assuming I'll stay clear. Me: Why? H: They're your friends - and I want to honor that and it's your weekend with D. There's no reason for me to be there. Even though I'd love to meet [baby], it seems like a social mine field. I'll be out and about anyway.
This made me think that he's mentally separating our friends already so maybe all my positivity is misguided. These are our best friends in the whole world. H and I have successfully hung out as a couple (sort of) with other friends who are less important but he can't bring himself to hang out with our best friends and their new daughter?
Is he embarrassed? I don't think so.
Ashamed? I dont' think so.
So WTH?!
Should I take a risk and text: "well, you're welcome to enjoy take out sushi and wine with us on Sunday if you're around"
I wonder what separations were like before texting.
Hi Ss, I too have wondered what this stuff was like before the coldness of texting!
I can't really say for sure what you H is thinking but here is my 2 cents: yes invite him to sushi and wine but no don't do it now. Wait until Friday or something. Don't push. Obviously he feels awkward about meeting up with these friends for whatever reason and maybe he is just grumpy today. Let it go, don't stress over it.
See how things go and later this week you can casually include him in plans. But try not to get too hung up on whether he accepts or not.
Maybe he just can't face these people he considers your closest friends because he thinks they are mad at him.
H Ok, I'm assuming I'll stay clear. Me: Why? H: They're your friends - and I want to honor that and it's your weekend with D. There's no reason for me to be there. Even though I'd love to meet [baby], it seems like a social mine field. I'll be out and about anyway.
This made me think that he's mentally separating our friends already so maybe all my positivity is misguided. These are our best friends in the whole world. H and I have successfully hung out as a couple (sort of) with other friends who are less important but he can't bring himself to hang out with our best friends and their new daughter?
I may be way off, but I saw this as a positive. He came to you, and basically was asking you if he could be around when your friends were in town. He was IMO, looking for you to ask him to come along. Think of it this way. You are having a house party, and there is that one guy who arrived early and is just hanging around the food. He hovers and hovers. He will not dare take a bite, but is waiting for you as the host to insist he grab something. He may even refuse a time or two. But he wants that food.
I would reply in a fashion you suggested. And I would do it sooner than later. Replying now is replying to his inquiry. Replying on Friday is YOU asking.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I'm not really in a rush, I just want to know if there's anything I'm perhaps missing that I could work on more and grow more. Not really about getting H back so much but more of a thorough self-analyzation. Does that makes sense?
Are you in counseling? What did forgiveness look like in your childhood? For many of us, it's a learned skill b/c we did not see it growing up.
I suggest you do some thinking there b/c I doubt you are as far as you need to be (who is?).
It's nice when you and your h can have conflict free times. But life WILL give you some conflicts so what will happen then? How will YOU handle it differently?
When you are in the midst of an angry moment, it's hard to react in a new healthier way. Practice...seriously, practice. Find a good positive role model to help you replace the Things "NOT TO DO" in fights, with Things TO DO" in fights.
it's well and good to know what not to do but in the heat of the moment if you have not replaced the old behaviors with new better ones, you may easily revert to an old pattern.
My guess is that would send your h off to the hills forever. Forgiveness work is a life lesson we could all use. I think it's a concept barely taught to us though in church we'd hear about it. No one really said HOW to do it though...
Just a thought...
I'll have to read your thread again to get more specific. More later...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Keep up the great work!