Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2488282 09/14/14 03:36 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
New thread (already?), new possibilities.

I'll post links to the previous threads in a bit.

Let me just tell you about my day because... well, wow!

at 7:30 this morning H texts me asking me if I could meet he and D at starbucks with her medication at 9:30. I agree.

I meet them and we hang out, chit chat about stuff, talk about a concrete visitation plan so we both can plan our lives better, etc.

This turns into me saying how I anxious I feel when I'm not with D7 and how much I miss her when she's gone, etc.

H listens and suggests options for me to have her more until I find a solid job and that he understands and doesn't want me to feel that anxiety. Wow. That was so helpful!

We chat a bit more about things here and there.

Then somehow H mentions how he needs to get a real bed for D at his place because last night the air mattress burst and blah, blah, blah. This makes me immediately think about how long all this is going to last and permanent furniture means permanent things.

I talk about how so often I just want a temperature check to see what's going through his head (with the caveat that he is under no obligation to share, I was just expressing myself) and I wanted to know if he was ok, whether he was considering our marriage at all, etc. I said all of this very casually and kept reinforcing the caveat that he need not say anything he is uncomfortable discussing right now.

He started to say that he is still "dead inside". That he harbors a lot of anger.

He said he went to see an IC but the therapist seemed to be super bitter about his own divorce and seemed very resentful and angry and didn't seem like an unbiased third party so he decided to stop seeing him after the first session. Wow.

He is seeing another IC whom he says is a little more balanced and has talked about there being no thought of considering the marriage until he has found his own happiness within himself and worked through that anger. He said the therapist theorized he had PTSD. From me. That's kind of hard to take.

My first instinct is to pooh pooh that entirely but perhaps its an insight to the damage I've done and how sensitive H really is despite my ideas. Something to look at further, even though it sounds extreme and hurts a lot.

So, H says he doesn't seem himself coming home for 6 months or much longer. I told him I completely understood because now that I knew what he was working towards it made sense.

I asked him if he felt like he could work through that anger and trauma while living at home and he said he didn't think he could. I told him I understood and could see how the space would be very helpful and that it was in fact helpful for me to see things from a distance and allow me to take ownership of my role in things.

For the first time H said he'd realized that he played a role in the demise of our marriage. I mean, he didn't say it flat out but it was enough for me to know he'd realized it.

He's angry. He's resentful.

We talked a bit about resentment and I explained how I was handling my own by trying to let it go because it was weighing me down and that holding on to it does nothing but poison my own thinking. I was just expressing my perspective and told him as much. I told him working through resentment and anger is crucial and that I supported him and respected the work he was up against in that endeavor.

We talked about what we thought were our BIGGEST problems in our marriage. I said I thought it was our mutual reactivity and lack of ANY form of resolution to any problems. He said he wasn't exactly sure but that he knows he's unwilling to be made to feel the way he was for the last few years.

I did a lot of listening, eye contact, validation not because it showed him anything but because I wanted him to feel heard. I KNOW that I wasn't ignoring his feelings anymore. It was important for me to show him and for him to feel like his words and feelings were valid and important.

After this talk at Starbucks we came back to the house and he made D lunch. He sat at the piano and played for a bit. I could always gauge his mood by what he played. A week before he moved out he played something that was so dark and sad I sat on the floor and cried. I knew he felt lost and angry and empty inside. Today's song was somber but slightly more hopeful, I think. I don't even think he noticed that but I sure did. I'm taking that as a positive sign of things.

D got changed and we headed out to the karate studio grand opening. D was signed up for a big class and I was photographing it for future advertisements and the website. It went well.

Afterwards we came back to the house. H took a nap on the couch (he said it was the best sleep he's had in 3 months) and I did some laundry while D played with the dog and her toys.

At around 4:30 I proposed we all go out to dinner just for fun. He agreed. We went to a favorite restaurant and D started to misbehave. I think she was hungry and exhausted from the heat. H came down super hard on her which is unusual but I reinforced his standards while also being able to be loving which is a dynamic I've not been afforded in the past. I've always been the regulator while he's been zoning out in the corner. This was a very nice change. smile

I ordered a glass of wine, he ordered the same and changed it to a bottle which I was surprised by. So, it wasn't just dinner it was DINNER. We ate, laughed, arm wrestled with D (she can almost beat me!), finished her piano homework and decided to take a walk across the shopping center to get cupcakes.

WE picked out cupcakes, watched the live band and hung out. The band dedicated a song to D (she's a music fan, is quite musically talented and was watching the drummer and bass player the whole time and the band noticed), H was showing her details of the songs they were playing (he's a composer) and all was amazing with the world in that moment.

I drove home, hugged D and off they went. He said he had a really great night and we left it at that.

I really saw it as a positive day. A day I really needed.

I understand the pain H is dealing with and I want him to deal with it faster but that isn't up to me. He needs his own time to do his thing. I can only hope through time, space and therapy that he'll see that we can be AMAZING with effort.

It was against DB principles to go in for a temp check but I feel like it was received well and very honest. I'm going to keep on working on me so that I know I am in a place that is strong enough to be who I need to be should he decide that our marriage is worth saving. That's kind of complicated but it made sense as I was typing it.

I'm reaffirming my stance to stand. I'm worth it. He's worth it. We're worth it.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 183
^^

Great day. smile I'm pleased for you, and I think you did fine with the temp check. It didn't sound pushy, the way you wrote it, so I think it's okay.

I'm happy for you.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
So so happy for you ss. It really sounds like you needed a day like today. You did a great job listening and validating. And do not worry about breaking DB rules by temp checking. Remember, they are guidelines. Everyone is different. Sometimes I think we all become slaves to the rules at the expense of our own situations.

At any rate, I just wanted to let you know your day put a smile on my face.

Keep it up!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
Hi Ss, it sounds like a great positive day!

I love that you were able to take a heavy conversation and turn it into a great all day outing!

Don't worry too much about his 6 month + timeline. It sounds like things are going in the right direction and now you know better what he is thinking and working on perhaps you can also work on 180s related to that.

The ptsd thing is interesting. I can't imagine what you could have done to him that could cause that but maybe he is just super sensitive..?

Anyway, good job Ss! And have a nice rest of the weekend!

Hugs, Lisa

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Thank you guys for all the cheerleading and support. I really look to you all for support and guidance and I thank you for always being there for me.

Listening to so many of your stories has made me realize that many of the marriages I see everyday that seem to be ideal or strong or solid... maybe they just aren't.

I see the ease that so many men reach for their wives hand which used to indicate to me REAL strength in a marriage for some reason. It spoke so much to me.

Now I wonder. Maybe I'm becoming cynical but I think it's more about the reality that EVERY MARRIAGE IS HARD! No one has it easy and if they do, either they are 1 in a million or they're in denial and it's just a matter of time before their bomb is dropped. I don't know.

I ran into an old friend today who knows H and I are recently separated. He saw H and I together at starbucks yesterday. He asked me today how 'things are going'? We talked a bit and he told me that he and his wife, who look INCREDIBLY solid, I mean UNWAVERINGLY SOLID, were separated for 6 months at one point and a year at another point right before their daughter was born.

I was shocked! We talked about how marriage is hard for everyone and requires work individually and collectively every single day.

It was refreshing to talk to someone with similar experiences. His encouragement was so nice to hear.

He also said that H and I were "so good together" and then joked that H is crazy if he throws me away. He was being nice but I needed to hear that at that moment.

After all that, I just want to say that I honestly don't know where I'd be with all of this if it weren't for this forum and all of you. I need the raw 2x4s, the encouragement and support and I hope that I'm able to give even a 1/10th back of what I've received.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
You give a lot back, Ss. Thanks!

My parents used to say, "You don't know what goes on behind closed doors." It's so interesting to me that when I think about other Rs in my social circles-- there is a lot of dysfunction. A lot of controlling W's, couples that are co-parenting but seem emotionally detached. I've finally realized that "everyone has their Sh!t". EVERYONE. My friend who seems so totally grounded and emotionally stable and has all her sh!t together? Well, suffice it to say that she's had her share of problems and has gotten plenty of professional help for that.

That must have been so nice to have that validation from your friend-- you are the spouse only a fool would leave!


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
Ss, that is such good insight!

The one negative thing that I thought when I read what you wrote is yes, a lot of relationships have troubles and marriage takes work. But then why can't our foolish WASes see that instead of walking away we could work on our issues?

I also read some statistics the other day about infidelity and how it is very very common and something like 2/3 of couples that face adultery get past it and stay together. I could be wrong about the stat, but it was an interesting article.

My step mom once told me that the most important thing to making a relationship last is that both people are willing to work.

If things don't work out with my H, for sure next time I am going to look for someone who understands this and is willing to stick around and work on issues when things are tough.

Hope you are having a great day Ss!
Hugs, Lisa

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Ss06 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Lisa,

I'm no expert but I when I think about the times i was willing to walk away from our marriage and not work on it, it was for a couple of reasons:

1. I thought H would never change, never understand what I needed.
2. The resentment was too great on both sides and there was no way I could see us actually working through that to get to the other side.
3. It was just too hard. I was always under the impression that marriage should be hard but not THAT hard. I was wrong.


In the end though I never did leave so at some point I figured I should either accept the marriage as it was and make small changes in myself to view the marriage differently (the problem with this is that the resentment kept building so I'm not sure how long that plan would have lasted) or leave.

The problems felt so insurmountable that even looking at ONE of them made me so exhausted. It felt like leaving was the ONLY way to get away from the dysfunction, sickness, resentment and get what I really wanted which was a true partnership built on love, trust, dedication, health and support.

I can't speak for other WAS but I almost became one myself so I can speak a little bit about it.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Lisa & Claire said everything I thought... And I always appreciate success stories. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Ss06, thank you for sharing that insight into the motivations behind a WAS. It reinforces the idea for me of making the road home smooth, showing the changes (but not speaking of them), and not showing resentment.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard