Here's what I "know". After the week 1 football games, she called me up (weird thing #1, she doesn't do this anymore) and asked me about the week's games (weird #2). At the time I thought she was reaching out to connect with something I enjoy (I am gullible Wet). But now seeing W's choice of this place for a family celebration, I see this now is a place she is going to. She was trying to get information from me to use in speaking with other guys.
Bad thing is, s13 was sick yesterday, and did not go to school - from auto email report sent to me. Yet healthy enough to go to late night sports bar celebration.
Here's what I "know". After the week 1 football games, she called me up (weird thing #1, she doesn't do this anymore) and asked me about the week's games (weird #2). At the time I thought she was reaching out to connect with something I enjoy (I am gullible Wet). But now seeing W's choice of this place for a family celebration, I see this now is a place she is going to. She was trying to get information from me to use in speaking with other guys.
Bad thing is, s13 was sick yesterday, and did not go to school - from auto email report sent to me. Yet healthy enough to go to late night sports bar celebration.
Why is my brain so messed up? W texted me late last night, and it was 5 long texts, ranging from child support, to a photography client who is a high school kid with cancer, needing me to bring s13 to Thursday football practice, then speaking of d17 spending a Saturday night at my place, etc.
So instead of trying to text a response, I called W. It has been so long since I've called her, that W answered with "Wet, did you mean to call me, or is this a butt dial?" We spoke for a while, it was a nice conversation. Old, nice Wet was back - yes, of course I'll take s13 to football practice. And she describes the photo shoot for this poor kid with brain cancer on Thursday. She asks if we can go out together to discuss counseling needed for s13, and other things. It sounds like to me she is not so obsessed with her dates and her dating web sites. So my delusional thinking is that "Gee, maybe W is coming out of her MLC. She wants to go out with me. Maybe she likes me again!"
But after a cup of coffee this morning, I remember reality. This is going to be a long haul, whatever the outcome. I tell myself to calm down, take it easy, and be patient. But the delusional thoughts hit us LBS' pretty hard too, right?
Absolutely .... I find this MLC experience to be one of brutal self control issues for us LBS, sometimes ya see a flash/sign of that person you know .. the one you loved, its like any Zombie movie you have ever seen, the shell of the person is there but you have to guard yourself and take it slow, wait for the cure, and realize they have to stay in that MLC Zombie Tunnel and feel safe enough to come out into the sunlight with the rest of society ... I see mine struggling now with owning her share, owning what she has done, conflicted with wanting to run from it and dealing with it at the same time ... all the while us LBS have to be that beacon... the rock.. the light house ... safe place .. whatever we can do to not scare them off, in the same token, remain focused on the long term goal and do what we can to not backslide and allow our emotions to get the best of us.
How can you love a Zombie? I am still learning myself.
Not to scare you guys, but I want to remind you that the work won't be done when/if they become themselves again. There will be quite a bit of resentment built up on the LBS part and that will need to be addressed.
This is a very long and hard road. You get to find out what you are made of for sure. I didn't like who I had become during the seperation/divorce. I was clingly and sad and so very lost. Not at all who I had ever been before. I am getting closer to my true self every day but my kids love to throw boulders in my path!
Blessings, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi CaliGuy, the Zombie movie I think this may be like is 'Warm Bodies' (2013). A romantic zombie movie, where the zombies are loved and come back to life. The trailer for the movie says: "He was dead inside until he met her…" OK, I haven't seen a zombie, a zombie come back to life, or an MLC'er come back to life, but I keep hoping.
And yes, thanks Kat for splashing cold water on my face ;-) My W as far as I know is still hitting the dating websites, and perhaps less frequently, still dating other men. I get it, it's a long road, a long, long, road, even after W comes back to life. But can't I hope a little?
Sure you can. I do know of marriages that were saved. Not many but a few. Those that I know of, the LBS was really moving on. One had even put his house up for sale and gotten a new job out of state.
Maybe that wakes the WS up. The thing was though that the LBS wasn't "trying" anything, they really were just getting on with their lives.
I am rooting for you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Kat, I really think you hit the nail on the head there (or the zombie in the head?). Until the LBS has totally given up on the MLC. Until whatever it is that the LBS does is solely for him/herself and him/herself alone without any thought of "maybe this will wake him/her up", the MLC will somehow 'feel" this and it will have no effect or worse the opposite effect! Until they really feel in their gut that the LBS has moved on without them, they will never come back around. I truly believe this.
Whenever you see a post where the person is saying they think the MLCer is coming around or wants to "talk" etc.before the LBS has totally detached, it usually seems that it backfires. They aren't done "baking" and it just goes back to the way it was or even worse!
It usually causes the crazy cycle of hope and hurt. So many people just starting to go through this just don't want to let go and yet that is the best thing for them in the end.
Wet, I liked that zombie movie. Having them actually talk was kind of cool. My kids love watching the Walking Dead and now my parents are hooked. I don't watch it all the time but know enough that I get what is going on.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
No one can fully let go until they are truly done. You're either done or you're still holding on to some degree, and that's OK! Letting go is not something you can fake and get away with just for effect. The WAS/MLC'er knows us well enough to tell the difference.
Don't even concern yourself about where you are on the "Letting Go" scale. You are where you are.
Best to accept your sitch for what it is and simply enjoy your new life. Make it what you want it to be. Confident people who are truly content with their life and themselves are highly attractive.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 09/18/1412:06 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I do know of marriages that were saved. Not many but a few. Those that I know of, the LBS was really moving on. One had even put his house up for sale and gotten a new job out of state.