Last week W went to the Bahama's - not sure if OM was there or not but do know they continue to have phone contact. He calls and she goes upstairs to talk to him. Yesterday when I got home from work I started packing up my stereo and the speakers attached outside the house. She asked what I was doing and I said I didn't want to have to do it in December when the divorce was final.
She said I thought you were moving to the lake house because that is what we told son. I said I wasn't sure when I was moving and son said me he wants me to stay here. What we had talked about earlier was me moving to the lake, W have no contact with OM and she if the M could be restored. I said as long as there is a third person involved I am not able to work on R and need to move forward. She texted me about 3 weeks ago, there would be no contact but I don't believe she is willing to stop at this point. As I was packing the things into the car, she began crying. I think she thought I would always be available if / when she wanted to get together. Seems like cake eating to me and when she saw I was no longer willing to be plan B, she got scared because she sees her world crashing down and I am moving forward.
She is confused but I can't help her. We talked for a while and she said she wanted to come to the lake tomorrow. I said I'm not sure what I'm doing tomorrow - call or text me to make sure I'm there.
She did text and came to the lake with son - posted pictures of our day on FB like nothing is wrong. W's mom watched son for a couple of days while W was in Bahama's and knows nothing about what is going on. Should I go NC or what? She seems to act as if this is how we are going to live after D.
I am so thankful for the time that I've been able to work on myself and know that I will be alright. It is a very murky river that must be crossed - it may be turbulent at times and won't be easy - there is no bridge and I must go through it but when I get to the other side it will be beautiful. She probably won't be with me when I get there and the person that she is right now, I wouldn't want her to be.
Not sure if her fog is from MLC or OM - but this sure socks.
Not sure if I did the right thing today about W coming to the lake. Should I draw a firm boundary and have as little contact as possible? We have mediation on 9/11 to come up with child support and spousal support. Her L keeps pushing the fight for more $upport and wants to ring the register as many time as possible. I'm amazed someone can walk away from M have an affair and the judge give S a ton of $. I just ant to split 50/50 if we can't reconcile - but when I start there her L wants to go 50/50 from that point.
I just want to do what's right and take care of our son. Going to go back and reread DB and I have a phone appointment with Chuck at DB tomorrow. Hopefully he can give me some good insight.
Advice from the vets or anyone dealing with a similar stitch would be appreciated.
Do you have your own atty? Your post above refers to the mediator and to your wife's atty, but I don't see anything about what your atty might be advising you?
As for your main question, I would say YES, you should go darker (and shouldn't have done the lake house thing). If your wife wants to flee the marriage and her family, she needs to begin feeling what it would be like to be separated or divorced. You guys can still do SOME family things together, for the sake of your son (special occasions), but for the most part you should each of your own time with him, without the other.
Yes I do have my own attorney. Mediation next week is for spousal/child support. W atty wants lifetime spousal support and a larger amount than my atty thinks it should be and certainly not for life. My atty is thinking 2-4 years is reasonable. I just want to do what's best for son and me now. Final court dates scheduled for December - so still time to DB but the clock is running.
W got upset when I stopped putting all my pay into joint account but it didn't matter what I'd deposit it would be gone and our homes are paid for and I make a decent living. She would buy furnishings for the the house and I asked her to stop - now was not the time to be doing that based on our stitch. The final straw was the mannequin she purchased and dressed it in Bahamian garb and had it in the kitchen/family room. I now have some savings which I know half is hers but at least I have something. W atty wants me to pay for mine and her atty fees - not sure why a judge would agree to that but I guess I find out. Some of this is just nuts.
Atty says I can stay at M home or move to lake house and it won't make a difference as far a property settlement. W asked me to move there and we would try and reconcile. I said as long as there is OM we cannot work on R and I am staying in M home to spend as much time with son as possible. She said that is confusing to S after I told him we were separating. When I detach and take S with me she wants to be a part of it. She has her time with S when I'm working and I take him to the lake with me on my days off.
It is difficult to go dark while living together. I'm ready for LRT and willing to accept whatever direction she wants to go. One week is W can't do this to S and the next is her 180. How do they get so conflicted?
She is so internally conflicted by her choices. I'm so glad I've read the books and continue to do the work on myself that I can look back on my M and know I've done what I could to make it work. I understand it may never be enough for her - but God knows I've tried.
It seems her biggest concern is "IDLY and haven't for a long time" and I don't have any passion for you. I listen and try to understand, but also feel you can't get anything out of R unless you are willing to put something in.
Do you think I should move to the lake to go dark? I told her already if she need space she needs to go. She has been sleeping in guest room since Jan '14.
I rarely text or call unless it has something to do with son. She works at christian school and believe she has tried to keep D and OM under the radar. Hasn't said a word about D to her mom - both dads our are deceased - but think her mom knows something isn't quite right because w has went 1500 miles away to Xyz on vacation 4 times without son or me since the first of the year.
I don't want the person she has become and hoping she comes out from the fog before it's past the point of no return... and there are days that seems closer.
Thanks for your response and any advice!
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Had mediation today - spent probably $1000 on L's between the to of us and she get an extra $17/month in child support once one of us leaves the home or D is final. WTH
I asked W if we could sit down and figure out property because I feel the L's want to drag it out as long as possible. When I bring up these things, W backtracks and says I don't want to do this to son - I don't want to hurt him. WAW w/ OM possible MLC. I don't know what she wants and I'm not sure she does either. But as long as there is OM with continued contact - I'm done. When I told her that she said I haven't spoke to or been in contact for a while. I asks what a while is and she said about two weeks.
Asked for access to cell phone records and haven't received a response. So I'm GALing and looking forward. Should I bring it up again or just assume it hasn't stopped? Hasn't stopped is where I'm at now.
I will be fine but it breaks my heart knowing what son is going through.
Hard to go dark living in the same house with son. Any suggestions?
When / how do they get so selfish? unhappy? Only God knows.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
I found this interesting... During our can't do this to son, don't want to hurt him from W. I told her and probably shouldn't have - that it makes me sad knowing some things we are doing with son are probably the last time we will be doing them together. She said we will continue doing things together with son. I'm thinking not so much. Didn't say it.
What do you say?
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Asked for access to cell phone records and haven't received a response. So I'm GALing and looking forward. Should I bring it up again or just assume it hasn't stopped? Hasn't stopped is where I'm at now.
Your instincts are correct. Repeating boundaries WEAKENS them, not strengthens.
Took son to 9/11 memorial and helped wash n wax fire trucks at the fire station last night. Posted pix of us on FB. W texts my to send her the pictures. Haven't responded. Taking son to the school bus figure eight races tonight. I'm sure W will want to come. Thinking I will tell her I would rather have a father son night. Doing my GALing.
They may never be back but I'm going forward.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
