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Wet, what you're feeling is completely natural. We all want the one person who has been our teammate with us during those times. Please don't say you're stupid. You're here, laying it all out, and open to learning. That makes you both smart and courageous. It really really hurts, and you miss what was, but that doesn't make you stupid.

Surgery stuff can be very scary. Do you have friends or family that can help you during recovery, and support you going through it?

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What they ^^^ said.

I know that feeling. I recently lost my grandfather (we were very close) and my father (also very close) and my only sister has had brain and spinal surgery recently.

At times I wondered the same things.

That's not stupid in the least, Wet. It's expected from somebody who believed in the life they were living. Somebody who's actions and feelings lined up.

But this is where you are. You'll do just fine, I'm sure. The healing from that can be quick depending on what they are doing. Either way, you need to do what you need to do. With or without somebody to be there.

The good news? She's not dead so she can handle the child duties. She may not like what that can do to the financial flow of things, but whatever. That's not important in the scheme of things.

When are you getting it done?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks everyone. The board works because there are nice, supportive people like y'all. I'm feeling stronger today.

Here is a quick question, I have my first cooking class tonight. D19 who lives with me asked me if I was going alone. I simply said "No comment, but I am excited to get out and try something new."

D19 has little contact with W, and so there is little chance of d19 telling W anything about me or my plans. But you never know how information travels in a family. So I'm asking, should I be "mysterious" with my children when I have outside plans?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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IMHO, I wouldn't try, as in "make extra efforts" to be mysterious with your kids. If they don't ask, perhaps don't offer more than they care to know.

I get what you mean about the kids going between parents, and you're wanting to appear mysterious to your W knowledge, etc. I think I know why this thought is in your mind, since she is doing this to you.

But, bigger picture, I believe in being straight with the kids. This doesn't mean over-sharing. There are things that are not their business. (Considering age, privacy, other stuff). But, being mysterious for the sake of being mysterious....they'll see through that, and it will appear inauthentic. Then they'll begin to not trust you, even if they don't quite know why...somethin' won't smell right. They know you too well. wink

They NEED to trust you, so you may want to be sure you are acting trustworthy.

The comment "no comment" could be taken as hiding something from them. You don't want to mislead the kids, right? And I know you don't want to use them to messenger things back to your wife, even if it was a just a bonus side effect.....I don't think you'll get off on that technicality with the positive results you're wanting.

The thought is tempting. I get where you're coming from. That's why it's good to post and live through it mentally....But it's not really who you want to be, from what I know of you so far. smile Keep that integrity we all know you have.

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I just had the best time at my cooking class. I arrived a bit early, and there was wine tasting going on nearby. So an attractive woman and I went and had some wine, compared notes on what was our favorite wines, we hit it off.

So this was a class of about 20 people, and I picked a seat right up front, and sure enough attractive woman asks if the seat next to me was taken, and sat next to me. And we're whispering and chatting with each other the whole hour and a half of the class. It was so much fun.

So the class was on Gouda cheese made from a small Wisconsin Dutch cheese maker (they pronounce it 'Houda'). And they started out making us smoked Gouda stuffed mushrooms. New friend made fun of me trying to cut the slippery mushroom and it flipped onto my pamphlet. It was great.

So the whole time I'm just grinning ear to ear. I love learning. I love good food. I really love learning how to make good food. I love having my attention focused on learning interesting things.

So the last dish they made was also fantastic - French Toast, Bacon and Gouda grilled cheese. It was even better than it sounds (if that's possible). Attractive woman loves it so much she gets up at the end to get the bread. And I tell her it was nice meeting her. And she starts rubbing my shoulder. Now I am long out of practice meeting single women, but even clueless Wet understands that is a good sign. She tries to persuade me to get some bread with her, but I decline. I'm not available. But I feel good knowing that I can do some harmless flirting and have a fun night out.

I gotta do that again.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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S13 is already failing his advanced math class, less than 2 weeks in to the start of school. So I sent this email to W:

"W, Last year was a tough year for s13. But the same problem is showing up in just his 2nd week of 7th grade. 2 Assignments were not handed in this week, including a Parent Signature page. He is already failing his Accelerated Math class.

He needs you to keep him on track. I hope you can step up to your job #1."

W has s13 during the week. Last spring while W was going out on dates every night, son did not turn in over 30 assignments and almost failed. I don't want a repeat of this.

I don't know if W continues to date on week nights. All I know is son is not having a parent there to make sure his assignments are done and handed in. I am angry about this, but I need to see if it is possible for W to stay on top of son's homework.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Can he come live with you? She doesn't have her priorities straight it seems. This is his crying out for help. Please listen.

kat


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S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Wet,
Don't drag your feet on this. Right now, only 2 weeks in, he can get that grade back where it belongs.
I am not an expert but I never saw where you asked your wife to help S12 with this. All I saw was where you told her what her #1 job is.
Is there any way you can handle this one? I know that when my S10 struggled my W emailed his teacher every day and the teacher was more than happy to provide her with daily progress reports in that email.


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Hi Kat and bdub,

My W still does not have internet access at her place, but is having an installer come out on Monday. When W got my email, she hightailed it to a coffee shop with internet access, and had s13 get the missing assignments in.

With last year's disaster for s13, W actually brought up the idea of having me take full custody of him. But I am in the wrong city for s13 to stay with his friends. Yes, I can fight for my s13, but I just want her to be his mom - he needs her too much. Another disruption and school change isn't the right move at this time. I did get the math teacher's email and I will stay on top of it this way.

So another annoying episode involving W and the kids. D17 has her ACT test and needs to print out the pass to attend. Where is W all day to get this done? Who knows, and I don't care. But so I come to pick up s13 at her condo at 4 pm, and she drives in behind me. W asks me if I would take d17 to the Kinkos a mile away to print her ACT pass? I say "yes", and she drives off to her next stop. Busy, busy, busy, she's always in a hurry going somewhere. I know I can't make her be a mother, but I gotta think that her not taking care of the kids has to eat her up.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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She is in a fog. The only thing she is really focused on is herself. It would be great if she actually felt what she is doing to others,but she doesn't. Seen years later, my ex still doesn't think he hurt the kids in anyway. He is happy, that is all that should matter to anyone in his mind.

I can't tell him how to be a parent anymore than you can tell your wife. Hopefully someday they will see what they have done and try to make amends.

Can you not move closer so that your son can stay in the same school?

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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