Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
It was huge in the sky and I feel happy driving home towards it.

I love moon stars thunder lightening. Etc.

Yes, it's just mlc weird. H can make most stuff sound reasonable even when you know it's damn well not.

Master manipulators is the word, most definitely.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Yes... the moon makes everyone crazy.
My dogs have been restless, I've been restless and antsy.

I used to work in a mental health clinic, and the crisis calls were up by 25% or more when there was a full moon.

That's just anecdotal, but every time there was a swarm of really crazy behavior from our clients, somebody would say--hey, the moon is full!

We should have marked that on the office calendar and made sure nobody took vacation. smile
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, yes, as everybody said, lots of soul-searching going on.

And more unwanted advice from friends, which led to my discussion about "Rational vs. Irrational Divorce".

Maybe it should be another throwaway addition to the Huffington Post.
(Because, from what I've read, the people who write these various articles have credentials which are often suspect.)

You can find an article supporting virtually any point of view.

But if you Google "Good reasons to Divorce" "Stupid Reasons to Divorce", "Divorce Regrets"---and believe me, I have--- you'll find all kinds of crazy things.

As my H said, he read on there that his cheating on me was my fault, and that I needed to take responsibility for my inability to make him happy.

Number One in BOTH Stupid AND Good Reasons to Divorce is:
"He/She doesn't make you happy"

I rest my case on HuffPost.... smile
------------------------------------------------------------------------

But some friends seem to think that H has made some reasonable decision and that I should just get on with it.

After all, that's how they "Would Have" done it. (Winking at you, (((Maybell))!)

They don't know about MLC, or depression, or about how people can be very irrational while in certain emotional states.

Case in point: The way I acted after I found OW was SO out of character for me, it totally freaked H out. The level of anger, grief, hysteria... I believe my reaction showed him a side of me he didn't believe existed.
It wasn't pretty.
And it certainly wasn't rational.

If I had divorced him at that time, it would have been a reaction to the pain I was in, an escape for me, a punishment for him.

But even then I knew never to make any major decisions when in a highly charged emotional state. I believe that whole "take a year after a major trauma to make major changes in your life" guideline.

H made the decision to D when he was clearly at the end of his rope emotionally, feeling trapped by the outcome of his actions, and guilty as heck over the pain and devastation he'd caused all around...
Well, in that state, D looks awfully attractive as a "solution".

Contrast that with the current situation.
I'm not sure he sees it as such a great alternative any more, but suspect he doesn't know how to back out without a lot of emotional discomfort and he has always said he doesn't want to "LOOK weak."

I believe now as I did then, that it was only done to STOP the emotional fallout that he just couldn't handle.

It was a gag order on me. And it worked.
Now I'm walking on eggshells and DBing, being friendly and nice and not saying a peep about all the awful things he's done, that I most certainly did NOT drive him to.

How nice for him!
(OK, that's snarky, but some days it's just how I feel.)


-----GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hey GGG(G),
I also believe that my W did the same type of thing. She hasn't been "happy" since she became depressed 7 + years ago. She has tried (according to her own words) "many" things to feel better...she was a stay at home mother, adopted several dogs, threw herself into her work and new friends, lost weight, etc. Nothing worked, she was never able to "find her joy" and D'ing me was the "biggest change (she) could think of"! Of course, after she decided that and I pointed out that D not only has a profound effect on her and me but her kids, her family, everyone who cares about her, she HAD to come up with "reasons" that I was the "cause", that way she could justify hurting so many others!

I think when you get right down to it, MLC is always about them trying to "escape" who they are and since we are so big a part of who they are now, we have to be pushed aside. We are part of the "problem" and they have to find ways to blame us so that they can go and be someone "new". We know them and who they "really" are so they can't fool us with their fake personas. We will always be able to see right through them and they HATE that. It's like when teenagers can't fool their parents. We know who they are in all their "uncoolness". We know who they are which is why they hate when parents are around them when with their friends. They can't act like they are "cool" when we're around because we know who they really are. This is why, even when teenagers friends think they have "cool" parents, they will roll their eyes and disagree! We are now mom/dad in MLC's mind!

I see this with GUBU and his "online" personas! Totally different than the GUBU you know but it's who he "wants" to be! As long as GGG(G) is around, he can't fool you! These are some of the real reasons they are ending their M's. Not rational so they come up with all these untrue, irrational "reasons" that only make sense to them. The reasons you spelled out and the way you would end things are what rational people would do! People who have real reasons to end a R, not just thoughts from their fevered, MLC baked minds! The last thing they want to do is admit that they were wrong about us or the M! That would "look weak"! One of the reasons, I think, that MLC is so much harder to deal with than simple WAS. A non MLC WAS isn't looking to change who they are, can actually think rationally.

Stay on the high road GGG(G). You will feel so much better about you whatever the final outcome!

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Thanks guys!

Today I tried extending myself a bit, sent H an invite for an SPCA fundraiser, something we always did together.

I was there at the shelter and everyone was asking about him, it was beyond weird, trying to pretend everything was normal.

Anyhow, I got two tickets, figured I'd get someone to go with, or go alone.
Then I realized that H might be hurt if I didn't invite him, so I decided to make myself vulnerable and ask if he wanted to go since I had two tickets.
I figured, this would give him an opportunity to "talk" if that's what he wanted,
that we would be engaged in something we always enjoyed with people who like both of us, and the focus is on the dogs, not on us as people.
If he has been feeling put off my my GALing and darkness, this would be opening the door a crack, and giving him a bit of an opening if that's what he's looking for.

If not, well then, that's fine too.

NO PRESSURE.
NO EXPECTATIONS.

It'll be fine, either way.

I was initially thinking there could be three possible answers:
1. No
2. Yes
3. I don't know, need time to think about it.

Then I considered MLC and GUBU and came up with the following additional responses:
4. What do you mean "fundraiser"? That sounds ominous!
5. I never got the message/didn't hear you/no response.
6. Syyy^5siosnvvvv *** #2022 *&^^&*B (Unintelligible, indecipherable goobledygook)
7. I'll let you know by---and then just never get an answer
8. Why are you asking me?
9. Yes! Then doesn't show up.
10. Yes, as long as you realize that I am there as a single guy, in order to meet other women, so don't tell anyone you're my wife!

smile


Ahhh.. Life isn't boring, at least.

We'll see what the response will be. I'll either go alone, or find some nice person who'd really appreciate a sunny afternoon at a winery with dogs. Couldn't be too hard, right?

---GGG

Got my GAL plans all set for this weekend, and working out my blues band set for the end of the month. Hitting all those barriers and then some!


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
BWAHAHAHAAAAAHAAAA...oh, thank you for that....

Quote:
6. Syyy^5siosnvvvv *** #2022 *&^^&*B (Unintelligible, indecipherable goobledygook)


They all speak fluent gobbledygook, don't they?

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Yup, ((Shining))

Especially when you're shining those rays in their eyes.

Makes 'em so they can't see straight!!!

Too bad nobody offers a degree in MCL Wackadoo Speak. We could make a fortune interpreting for people!


---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
OK, so, no answer yet on going to the fundraiser, but I swear he is looking positive GLEEFUL.

He's here loading hay, all smiley and nice. Upbeat and looking very relaxed. I'm friendly, but scarce. Just let him see me enough times to see me smile, said a few nice things to him, then back inside.

Go figure.
I haven't seen him smile this much in ages.

Of course, that probably means he's happy I asked him, and now he knows he can run off and play with his online gals, knowing I'm waiting at home for him to give me an answer!

Hahahaha!

I find it doesn't bother me even the teensiest bit.

It was nice to see him smile, though.

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
Current fave gobbledygook response when I refused to engage in a recent disagreement: W, walking away in a huff "You act like this is all just a CHOICE!"

Damn right, it is.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
^^^^ Shakspr,

If not their choice, whose?
It's a bizarre way of thinking. And GUBU's response to my invite to attend the SPCA fundraiser is more of that same way of thinking. (See below)

No matter how they FEEL, they can make other "choices". Feelings are not destiny.

I'm starting to think they have a lot more conscious choice in the matter than we want to believe.

At some point, they are giving themselves permission. All things being equal.

I get that they "feel" driven to do these things, but isn't the sign of mature behavior being able to put your feelings aside and do the right thing?

Yeah, I know. They're just teenagers with the peach fuzz long gone...

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
So here is GUBU's response to the fundraiser invitation:

(This is a place where we worked with them for years on our hospice dogs, everybody there loves us, thinks we're so great for taking these old decrepit dogs, and they have no idea I'm mostly doing it all on my own now.)


"I will not be going to the ASPCA...you may not believe it but it hurts me too, very much."

"The title of my upcoming book is "What about that one".
"I'm not kidding...just an exercise but a valuable one."
"Writing is good for processing."


OK. I get that it's weird for him, too.

But HE is the one that created this dynamic.
He is the one who will see most of our animals get euthanized or rehomed.
He is the one who has made relationships with our friends and people in the community uncomfortable.
That was HIS CHOICE.
Now he wants to avoid the crummy feelings that come along with it?
I guess so!

"It 'hurts' him, too? What, exactly? The fact that he's messed everything up?
Whatever.
This is a HAPPY event with HAPPY animals. It's not about being "sad" about our "reality" (as he continues to refer to it, as though it occurred on its own.)

As for the rest..."My upcoming book"???
Is he writing a book?
Reading a book?
Vague gobbledygook as usual.

I'll have to Google it to know WTF he's even talking about.
------------------------------------------------------------------

He has become a terrible communicator. Forget texting, even speaking in person.

He leaves out chunks of info, assuming that I know all the missing pieces by osmosis or something. Then gets mad if I ask him to clarify because I can't possibly understand what he's talking about without some background.

He'll start a conversation out of the blue with "Well he said that it would take about two weeks." kind of thing.

WHO?
WHAT would take two weeks?
What are we TALKING ABOUT?

(Annoyed) "Well, I TOLD you that Joe Schmo was thinking about relocating his business to Florida..."
Yeah---A month ago!
Just out of context things.
Supposedly OW didn't have this "problem" of not being able to read his mind...
Sure she didn't. His mind was pretty much on ONE thing. Not hard to guess there!

Anyhow....

And "writing is good for processing"????
The funny part about that is that he was always making fun of me for writing so much and making copious notes when I was struggling with learning something.
I see now, he was borderline snippy about how I process due to my ADD/Asperger's.
(One of my "flaws", according to him.)

Hey, at least I was trying to LEARN new skills and ACCOMPLISH certain goals!


I'm smart but some things I just have to work out in my own way.
But-- I get things done.
I just had to do them "my" way to get the info into my head.
And I have accomplished a lot--because I kept trying.
Even though he made fun of my drawings and charts!
Now "writing is good for processing"???.
Like this is news to me? Sheesh.


So I will have to think about how to respond.
(And I am not trying to mind read, just thinking aloud about what he's said and how to craft a good response.)

I am neutral about his declining. I figured he'd probably say no.
(But funny, that particular "reason" didn't occur to me. Just goes to show you...)

I just have to to resist the urge to say: "Well, THAT's a relief. Because the guy I REALLY want to go with is free after all!!!"

And, "If it hurts you so 'very much', then why are you continuing down this path of destruction?"
" It may not be obvious to you, but you don't HAVE to, you know. There are other options, GUBU!"


Like he wants ME to feel sorry for HIM for his sadness about throwing a grenade into our lives and making us pay the price for his selfishness.

Well, I don't.

smile

Yeah, yeah. I know.
I'll just validate, whatever.

I didn't get any indication from that that he'd be willing to do anything else with me, so I won't be asking again. It's not like he said that this particular thing would be uncomfortable, but something else might be good.

It also sounds to me like he is still set on divorce, and being around all that "past good stuff" will just be a waste because those days are over and we will never be those people again. It's "sad" because we're getting divorced and there are a lot of dogs who will be euthanized because we're not going to be able to do hospice anymore.

Okay. This ^^^ is mind reading!

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard