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25 - can you give me advice on what to say or do here (if anything)?

I found out today that they're making me an offer. I'm very excited!

I shared this news with my W, and she was very happy for me. She suggested we should go celebrate tonight. I didn't ask her what that means. Dinner? Just the two of us?

She followed that up with her schedule for this weekend. She is basically spending the weekend with the OM, staying over Fri, Sat, and Sun nights.

She talked about that canceled event from the previous Sunday that they've rescheduled this sunday. She's also explained that they are going on a sunset cruise sunday night, which is why she will be staying over sunday too.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm sort of angry about this. She just assumes that I have nothing better to do on my weekends. This is the first time she will be spending 3 nights in a row.

Should I say anything back to this? It was in an e-mail. I was thinking of simply ignoring and not responding. But I also want to make it clear that I am NOT ok with this.

As crazy as this might sound, I almost feel like she thinks I'm supportive of her affair and will simply accommodate her schedule at all times, which I have been with little to no objection.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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I was thinking of this as a response:

"When you spend nights with [OM], it makes me very sad, and at times, makes me feel taken advantage of.

I'm not asking anything of you, and I'm not looking for a response. I'm simply expressing my feelings.

That's all. I hope you enjoy your weekend."


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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Quote:
I was thinking of this as a response:

"When you spend nights with [OM], it makes me very sad, and at times, makes me feel taken advantage of.

I'm not asking anything of you, and I'm not looking for a response. I'm simply expressing my feelings.

That's all. I hope you enjoy your weekend."


I'm not 25yrs, but at first glance, I would suggest you not use the above example as a response. Not that I am great with wording anything, but as a WAW, she may see this as sounding weaker than you intend it to be. It isn't really answering her subject of celebrating (if I understood it correctly) and you may choose not to reply at all. I would just not tell her how sad and taken advantage she makes you feel when she's with OM. Also, are you sure you want to say all of that and turn around and tell her you hope she enjoys her weekend? Isn't she spending it with him? Sounds a little wrong to me.

Just my thoughts.


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Originally Posted By: mindsin
25 - can you give me advice on what to say or do here (if anything)?

I found out today that they're making me an offer. I'm very excited!

This ^^ is wonderful news. Congratulations!

I shared this news with my W, and she was very happy for me. She suggested we should go celebrate tonight. I didn't ask her what that means. Dinner? Just the two of us?

She followed that up with her schedule for this weekend. She is basically spending the weekend with the OM, staying over Fri, Sat, and Sun nights.

See, MY problem with this^^ is that I, 25, am NOT sure she's going to be with OM. I have to trust that you are right on this, but I'm not at all sure you are.

IF you are not right and you blow her off, then you're really blowing it.

But let's assume you are correct in your assumption that she will be with OM (so tell me why she lies to you about it?)

See if she were throwing him in your face, declaring that he is THE ONE for her, it'd be something you have to confront.

But do you ever wonder if she is 1) NOT seeing him, and that's why she makes such an effort to explain where she'll be, and never mentions him, OR 2) she is trying him out and seeing if your changes are real?

I'm not saying either way, but I sure don't like making choices in a vacuum.


She talked about that canceled event from the previous Sunday that they've rescheduled this sunday. She's also explained that they are going on a sunset cruise sunday night, which is why she will be staying over sunday too.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm sort of angry about this. She just assumes that I have nothing better to do on my weekends. This is the first time she will be spending 3 nights in a row.

So you are angry that she assumes you have no plans for the weekend? IF it were me, I'd be angry that she was with another man, even if I knew I'd shoved her that way.

Have you ever told her that you REALL GET IT NOW, that you must have hurt her a lot b/c you now know how it feels?


Should I say anything back to this? It was in an e-mail. I was thinking of simply ignoring and not responding. But I also want to make it clear that I am NOT ok with this.


IF your assumption about her being with OM is accurate, there's NOTHING to say. There is no way she thinks you are okay with being with him. It only serves to weaken your position to have to say anything about it, AGAIN, as if you are clearing up her perception of you as her bff... I am with Sandi on this. Say nothing. Plus if you are not going to DO anything about it and she knows how you feel, it's wasted words...not appealing.

IF you are really SURE of this^^ OM issue, please ask your DB coach about what action to take, if any, but do NOT tell her the above.


As crazy as this might sound, I almost feel like she thinks I'm supportive of her affair and will simply accommodate her schedule at all times, which I have been with little to no objection.


Maybe you should make some plans. In fact I would and I would not mention them specifically to her. Be vague but excited about what YOU will be doing while she's on her sunset cruse (and tell me what her job is that a sunset cruise is part of the deal.)

I was in the Army and we had one of those, but that was the week before we were being deployed so I can't say it was all that rich feeling...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

This ^^ is wonderful news. Congratulations!


Thank you, and thank you for taking the time to reply to this. I read it just in time before I said anything back to her.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
See, MY problem with this^^ is that I, 25, am NOT sure she's going to be with OM. I have to trust that you are right on this, but I'm not at all sure you are.

IF you are not right and you blow her off, then you're really blowing it.

But let's assume you are correct in your assumption that she will be with OM (so tell me why she lies to you about it?)


She doesn't lie to me. In fact, she has made the point on several occasions that she has been 100% truthful in everything since she told me about [OM]. She simply doesn't point it out nowadays in order to spare my feelings. She's even told me that the reason why she doesn't tell me where she's going with [OM] is because just that -- to spare my feelings. She said this to me last week.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
See if she were throwing him in your face, declaring that he is THE ONE for her, it'd be something you have to confront.


She's not throwing him in my face, but she did in fact declare that they are "soulmates", etc. She has previously told me that she considered just leaving me and NOT saying anything about the OM. In fact, one of her best friends suggested just that. She decided otherwise because she said she felt it was best to just be honest and up front about it.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
But do you ever wonder if she is 1) NOT seeing him, and that's why she makes such an effort to explain where she'll be, and never mentions him, OR 2) she is trying him out and seeing if your changes are real?

I'm not saying either way, but I sure don't like making choices in a vacuum.


1) No chance. There is no way that she would simply be playing games with me just to get me to change or to see if I can change.

2) Possible. All the talk about being soulmates, etc., is typical WAW talk. I know.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
So you are angry that she assumes you have no plans for the weekend? IF it were me, I'd be angry that she was with another man, even if I knew I'd shoved her that way.


That's of course a given. She knows that. She doesn't need me to tell her that I'm not happy that she's with another man.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Have you ever told her that you REALL GET IT NOW, that you must have hurt her a lot b/c you now know how it feels?


In the beginning, yes. Several times, both verbally and through e-mail.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
IF your assumption about her being with OM is accurate, there's NOTHING to say. There is no way she thinks you are okay with being with him. It only serves to weaken your position to have to say anything about it, AGAIN, as if you are clearing up her perception of you as her bff... I am with Sandi on this. Say nothing. Plus if you are not going to DO anything about it and she knows how you feel, it's wasted words...not appealing.

IF you are really SURE of this^^ OM issue, please ask your DB coach about what action to take, if any, but do NOT tell her the above.


Ok, I won't say anything. I will not focus on her and her activities. I will only focus on me.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Maybe you should make some plans. In fact I would and I would not mention them specifically to her. Be vague but excited about what YOU will be doing while she's on her sunset cruse (and tell me what her job is that a sunset cruise is part of the deal.)


No, this is has nothing to do with work. She is spending the day in the city with the OM going on a food/cultural tour, then spending the evening on this cruise around the harbor. She spelled this out in the e-mail.'

I could make plans, but I'm afraid she might think I'm doing it out of spite just to interfere with her plans. She would be forced to ask her parents to watch our kids, and she may be uncomfortable doing so. "Hey dad, I'm going to spend the day with [OM] so can you watch the kids"? I don't think that'll happen. Her parents object to the OM and my W knows it.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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Mindsin,

This situation strikes me as really difficult-- you are not separated... but not in a monogamous R either. It doesn't seem ok for a spouse to just simply say, "I'm taking off this weekend" or even for individual days/nights on a regular basis. I don't think I could handle that.

I'm no vet, but I feel like you guys need to establish some kind of parenting schedule. Because if you are operating out of fear that she will be mad:
Quote:
She would be forced to ask her parents to watch our kids, and she may be uncomfortable doing so.


how is that getting her to respect you? She can't just walk away from her parenting responsibilities...


Me 38 H 40
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what happened when you were with your OWs?

I know about the time she tried to reach you when she was pregnant and you were with an escort ( and that hurt her etc)

but what about these types of things? Did you just leave her to handle the kids?

In other words, what "customs" did you guys have then?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25 -

I will answer your questions, but first let me give you a bit of back story.

My "hobby" started in 2006 and I remember the 1st time I got caught. It was a simple text message that I sent asking for a girl's hourly rate. She saw it on my phone. I said that I was simply curious but I never actually did anything.

The next couple of times I got caught was a similar thing (text or e-mail), except I confessed that I've been going. I lied about the frequency and the details.

The final time was in 2011 when she saw an e-mail thread I had with an independent escort negotiating services. There were words said in that thread that were very hard for her to read.

The below section may sound like I'm blaming my wife, but please keep in mind that I'm simply telling you what my thoughts and feelings were. Regardless of what I was feeling, infidelity was not and is not an excuse. Much of this (or all of this) could have been prevented had I simply been able to communicate better with my W.

Rewind back to 2005. My wife spent much of the year living in Asia on a business assignment. I was home alone. For the first time in my life, I was responsible for myself and my home. All the responsibilities required to keep up a houshold fell on my shoulders. I feared the thought of it, but after a while, I felt good about it. It even got me motivated enough to start losing weight (I was heavy my entire adult life). I lost about 60 lbs that year. I looked and felt great.

We never had a good sex life. In fact, there was one period where we went almost a year w/out having sex. Her reasoning was that she is not a very sexual person, and doesn't really care about it. She said she's also not the kind of girl to initiate intimate contact. This is what she said, but deep down, I felt that maybe it was because she wasn't attracted to me physically.

So after my wife came back from Asia, I was so excited to show off my new self. While she was happy for me and thought I looked great, nothing really changed in our sex life. My W herself is someone who seemingly is obsessed with her physical appearance so I thought that was the answer. It was not.

I've learned recently that my love language is physical touch. All I wanted was for my W to touch me, without me being the initiator. Just once, I wished I'd come home from work, and she'd greet me at the door and just put her arms around me and kiss me. Things like that just never happened.

I don't really remember the 1st time, but I do remember it was at a local massage parlor (you know the ones with blacked-out windows and a single neon sign that says "open"). I don't know what it was that made me walk into those doors that fateful night. But I remember feeling incredible during the hour I spent there, and guilty and confused on my drive home. I was hooked after my 1st visit. Massage parlors soon turned into escort services.

2007 was a milestone year. My grandmother (who raised me from birth) passed away and later that year, our 1st child was born. To this day, it kills me that she was never able to see my son. I thought that I would be able to stop now. But I simply couldn't, and I didn't have the courage to talk to my wife about what was going on. I was living a lie. This is the way it went on until 2011, after she found that e-mail. Back then, she said she was leaving me, but never followed through.

Over the next few years, the elephant in the room was never really talked about. She started occasionally, and then frequently, poking comments (usually in a sarcastic manner) at me about my past. "Well maybe one of your massage girls would like that". "I guess that's kind of like when you were seeing escorts". It got to a point where it was almost friendly joking banter. For example, she would make one of her remarks, and I would reply, "Wow, are we really going there?" She'd reply, "Oh yes my dear. I've got more where that came from."

I hope that back story gives a little more insight to our marital dynamic.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
what happened when you were with your OWs?

I know about the time she tried to reach you when she was pregnant and you were with an escort ( and that hurt her etc)

but what about these types of things? Did you just leave her to handle the kids?

In other words, what "customs" did you guys have then?


They were usually done in 1-hour sessions. Before we had children, it was easy. After our 1st child was born, I had to find more creative ways. I'd usually take time away from work (calling in sick, etc). It was in the middle of the work day. My wife was usually at work (or traveling), and my son was staying with her parents (who are retired) during the day.

I kept my double-life very well hidden from her. I never spent evenings or nights (or overnights). When my wife came home from work, I was almost always there. The time I told you about when my wife was 8 months pregnant and calling me -- that was a rare occasion.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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Wife invites me to dinner again

She texted me just a little ago saying that she is proud of me (regarding my new job) and wants to go celebrate.

It will just be the two of us.

Since BD, every time she wants to go to dinner with me (w/out the kids), there is usually something up -- To go over details of controlled separation agreement, To grill me about the OW I was talking to online, etc.

This time, I feel there is no "agenda" and she simply wants to spend time with me. I'm going in with that exact mindset. I'm going into this with no pressure. I will not pursue. I will not engage in R talk, or talk about our future (or at least try not to).


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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