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#2486825 09/10/14 11:01 AM
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Hey guys and girls!!.. First time poster with a bit of an issue I'm hoping you friendly people can help with..

Like a lot of other men, I have come here to seek a bit of direction on what I should do in regard to reconciling with my wife, or if it is even possible.. We are currently separated.. We have been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have 2 beautiful children aged 6 and 8.. I am 35, she is 31..

Around 12 weeks ago now, I copped the "love you, but not in love with you" hammer to the heart.. We all know the feelings involved with that, so I won't bore anyone by delving in to it!!.. We lived under the same roof (same bed etc) for the first 5 weeks, but 7 weeks ago she moved out to a place of her own in a different state.. There is a legitimate reason behind the move as we recently moved to a different state which neither of us have any family, and she moved to be back closer to her family.. I understand this..

We spoke at length about the reasons for our separation, and the not in love feeling, and it was mainly due to me being disrespectful within the relationship due to inappropriate name calling, and not fully being appreciative overall.. I have also been a bit intimidating at times during arguments (nothing physical, just yelling etc).. I will not argue against any of these points as, looking back, they are completely true.. Please be assured, there was NEVER any physical abuse that happened within the relationship/marriage at all.. I can be intimidating at times when I get worked up, and I realise this and have been undergoing counselling since my W left to get the issues sorted once and for all..

The decision to separate came as a shock to me (as happens to most men/women in this situation), and from what my wife has said, it has been brewing for the last 6-12 months inside her.. Whilst I don't agree with the decision to separate (nobody does!!), I am accepting my wifes decision, and not arguing against her as it will only made matters worse..

Now, keeping in mind she and the kids have been gone for the weeks, I spent the first week or 2 grovelling, begging and generally being annoying trying to get her to change her mind.. The last few weeks, I have found a bit of inner peace between the hurt, and have backed off with the tactics which will only push her away further.. Admittedly, I have slipped up slightly a couple of times though during the down days when I have spoken to her..

During the separation so far, we have both been amicable and are having no arguments.. I talk to the kids either via Skype or phone call every second day (my choice, there is no restriction).. My wife and I did talk almost daily basis either through text, phone or Facebook messages, but I have started the process of the 180 roughly 3 weeks ago, and am having LC instead of NC due to kids involved..

When I have spoken to my wife about us, she mentions that she doesn't miss me, that she is happy with the way things are, and her feelings haven't changed.. She mentions that I should move on, and is no longer wearing her ring on her finger, but on a necklace.. Given that it is only 7 weeks in, is this her "honeymoon phase" of separation??.. She does still care for my feelings though, and tries to make sure I am ok..

I can assure everyone that there is no other parties involved from either side.. I have been through this on another forum, and all avenues have been exhausted regarding finding evidence of OM, with no proof whatsoever.. I will be moving to the same state to be closer to the kids in the very near future, and initially will be getting a place of my own.. We have mutually agreed that this is a good decision, and she welcomes the decision with "open arms"..

My wife is a very strong woman, and is a hard nut to crack!!.. This is one thing that makes me think that what is being shown on the outer, is not what the inside is thinking.. The communication between us at the moment is good (albeit LC)..

She changed her Facebook status to single, and this hasn't been a shock to me as we have always said if we split etc, there will be none of this "It's complicated, separated or divorced".. It's either married or single, and I'm cool with that.. In doing this I am no longer on her Facebook family list BUT she hasn't removed any of my family from that list, and they are all still in-laws..

Funny enough too, all of our wedding pics and pics of us together are now public so I haven't fully been pushed out!!..

Given the information above, would you think that there is a chance of winning her back??.. If so, how should I go about it??..

Thanks in advance for any advice..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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Welcome aboard. Apparently you were not satisfied with the advice received from the other forum, or maybe didn't agree? I will cut to the chase here and tell you that even though you have found no evidence, she is showing signs of a young woman who wants to announce her single status. She is in a hurry and doing it publicly. So one has to ask....why?

Most women desire to be in a relationship most of their lifetime. You can observe them leaving one R to immediately go to another. They will have OM waiting in the wings while she's getting out of her M.

If she is not involved with another man, then she either wants to free herself up b/c she has her sights on somebody........or she wants to prowl. The single life is glamorize by Holywood, magazines, etc. Most of all, it is glamorized in her own fantasy. So right now, she just wants her freedom to start that lifestyle.

Is it possible to win her back? There are no garantees, but yes, it is possible. It won't be easy and it sure won't be quickly. A lot of men can't go the distance b/c it is a very long and hard road to travel. All you have to do is read the accounts from others here on the board.

First thing is to read the book Divorce Remedy b/c this board uses the principles taught in that book.

You will get more how to information as the posts start coming. Can't give it all at once, but I will tell you not to pursue. Back away and leave her alone. DBing is going to seem very strange to what your emotions are telling you.

Post every day and you will get more replies.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Welcome aboard. Apparently you were not satisfied with the advice received from the other forum, or maybe didn't agree? I will cut to the chase here and tell you that even though you have found no evidence, she is showing signs of a young woman who wants to announce her single status. She is in a hurry and doing it publicly. So one has to ask....why?

Most women desire to be in a relationship most of their lifetime. You can observe them leaving one R to immediately go to another. They will have OM waiting in the wings while she's getting out of her M.

If she is not involved with another man, then she either wants to free herself up b/c she has her sights on somebody........or she wants to prowl. The single life is glamorize by Holywood, magazines, etc. Most of all, it is glamorized in her own fantasy. So right now, she just wants her freedom to start that lifestyle.

Is it possible to win her back? There are no garantees, but yes, it is possible. It won't be easy and it sure won't be quickly. A lot of men can't go the distance b/c it is a very long and hard road to travel. All you have to do is read the accounts from others here on the board.

First thing is to read the book Divorce Remedy b/c this board uses the principles taught in that book.

You will get more how to information as the posts start coming. Can't give it all at once, but I will tell you not to pursue. Back away and leave her alone. DBing is going to seem very strange to what your emotions are telling you.

Post every day and you will get more replies.





Thank you for the reply Sandi.. It wasn't that I wasn't happy with the advice elsewhere, or the fact I didn't agree.. The reason I have decided to post here is because this forum seems a lot better place with R "problem solving" than others..

The R status change on FB only came very recently, and although quick in the scheme of things, it isn't displayed publicly.. I only know because she told me.. When looking, it only has "no information to show"..

I do agree that the situation looks like getting ready to prowl etc, but I have seen no outward signs of that, and neither has anyone in the know.. Like I said, I do agree though, and my eyes are open to the fact..

I am in it for the long haul, as this woman is the girl of my dreams.. The distance and separation has only made me realise this more, and admittedly, I am at fault for pushing her love away, although she has had flaws in the marriage/separation as well, so I know I am not 100% to blame, and I have stopped beating myself up over it..

I will get my hands on DR ASAP.. I have stopped pursuing, and I have backed off.. I am also giving her space as well.. After my initial "beg, plead, cry" stage I have implemented LC and taken on board what I have read on this forum and it has helped..

Thank you once again for your reply..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline OP
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I've really got to start realising that this journey is going to be a marathon, not a sprint to get my wife back..

Twice now I've felt the attitude from her getting warmer toward me, and twice I have said not so much stupid things, but have jumped the gun on what I SHOULD be doing..

Today, I was having a informal chat on the phone with her after talking to the kids which was a nice warm conversation, and she asked if I could spare some extra money for delivery of a new bunk for the kids room.. I obliged this request as it had to do with the kids, and I paid directly to the furniture place over the phone, so I knew it just wasn't there for play money..

Anyway, the chat was almost like old times, and when she asked me when I wanted the money back my reply was "We'll work something out".. I'm not too stressed on getting it back (not a big amount anyway) and it was for the kids.. Her reply to this was "No, not what you are thinking either".. Well silly old confident me (yeah the confidence of old is coming back in spurts!!) said "I wouldn't have to pay you as you will only come and have your way with me anyway"..

I won't say it put a dampener on the convo, and she got a good chuckle out of it, but I have to tone down the enthusiasm as it can be perceived as pushy (even though I'm not meaning it to be).. Aaah well, I'm still working on it all, and it does feel good for the confidence to be finally starting to come back after the gut kicking!!..

That's all for today..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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I'd be shocked if there weren't someone else, LoveHer, but it really doesn't matter -- your course should be the same. LET HER GO, WORK ON YOURSELF, and begin to demonstrate -- over time, consistently -- that you "get it" and are a changed man in regard to her prior marital complaints.

Whether that attracts her back or whether it just better equips you in your next relationship, you need to do those things. As Cadet likes to say around here "your wife has given you a gift of time -- use it wisely."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I'm going through much of the same if you want to swing by my thread.


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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
I'd be shocked if there weren't someone else, LoveHer, but it really doesn't matter -- your course should be the same. LET HER GO, WORK ON YOURSELF, and begin to demonstrate -- over time, consistently -- that you "get it" and are a changed man in regard to her prior marital complaints.

Whether that attracts her back or whether it just better equips you in your next relationship, you need to do those things. As Cadet likes to say around here "your wife has given you a gift of time -- use it wisely."

Starsky


Starsky, at this point in time I'm definite that there is no one in the picture at the moment.. I won't go in to the lengths I have gone to prove it, but it was all negative in regard to OM.. Like I have said, I am not ruling out the possibility that she wants the freedom to chase though (even though the signs aren't really there though)..

I am going to IC to work on my issues, and I am changing every day.. I am doing it for myself, and whatever happens in the M will be the cake topper (if any)..

I am subscribing to the main thought of "believe nothing of what you hear, and 50% of what you see", as like I mentioned, the whole "move on, date, I'm happy" was right in the midst of my "begging, needy, annoying".. Nothing like that has really been said since though so that has to be a good sign, or at least a plateau..


Originally Posted By: Gotan74
I'm going through much of the same if you want to swing by my thread.


Just took a look at your thread Gotan, and some points do seem similar.. I am fighting this battle long distance at the moment though, which could work 2 ways.. Either absence and changes will make the heart grow fonder, or give her the distance to do whatever.. Either way I plan on making MYSELF a better person.. I've dug myself out of holes before in life, but this one is by far the biggest.. I feel like I'm up the wall, but the daylight I see is still only a speck.. I WILL GET THERE THOUGH either way..

Not much else to report today.. She had a family birthday party for her mother last night, and it looked like all had a good time.. The MIL called during the evening to say that she wished I was there, but circumstances prevented that.. It's nice to know her family still care and take time for me!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline OP
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Posts: 148
Just had a really good late night chat with the wife.. It was probably the warmest, most flowing chat we have had since the proverbial hit the fan!!..

She texted me about some new furniture she had delivered, and that she spent all day putting together on her own.. She needed to know about some PC stuff and it was just easier to call instead of texting..

I had every intent of making it a quick "yep, this is how it is done" chat, but the conversation ended up turning to other "small talk", and the next thing you know it was an hour and a half later.. I stuck to the not pressuring or chasing and LISTENED to what she was saying.. I also let her initiate the bulk of the conversation..

Admittedly, I'm a bit torn over it as I didn't really stick to the rules of "short, sharp and sweet", but the conversation was going so well from both sides that it didn't really seem like it was as long as it was..

Have I stuffed up, or is it a good thing that we spoke the way we did??..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
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LoveMyW Offline OP
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It seems my posts are taking a while to be moderated, so these will probably all come through together, but anyway here is todays update..

Had a good day today.. Just cleaning the place and stuff, but no bad feelings or anything.. Had a real good chat to the kids this evening as well which was good..

Got thrown a bit of a nice curve ball by the W as well.. She has starting talking about R and M albeit in a roundabout way.. I'm not getting my hopes up, or looking too much in to it but we were talking about a small issue with a certain family member, and she mentioned about "if we get back together" in the line of conversation..

I felt like this was a great step forward in our chats, as it has gone from pretty much "it's not going to happen", to "if we get back together".. I let her do all of the talking about R and M, which ended up being about 15 minutes worth.. I didn't come across in any of the wrong ways during the chat, and only spoke about M when I agreed with a couple of points she made regarding the issue..

Like I said, I'm not getting my hopes up massively, or looking too much in to it, but it would have to be agreed that it is a good step in the right direction..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
L
LoveMyW Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 148
Nothing really to note today.. It's been a good day overall, and my sprits are high.. It's no talk to W day to give her space (unless she initiates)..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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