H's MLC #4

[woundedfool]

WHAT IF it's not MLC and my H is just being a selfish bastard!

What then,,,dont things need to change up then?

What if it is a:

MLC
OM
OW
EA
PA
Mental issue
Stroke
Brain tumor
Heart Attack

Or he is just a selfish bastard?

There is no answer we could give to make this any less for you to deal with.

You cannot change or reason with him or his path right now (and for the near term). So you really need to let go, and detach.

This wedding ring on my finger and H not on his finger for over is year has me totally pissed off and hurt and upset.

Maybe I just need to get use to not having my wedding ring on.

Do not wear it because you think it will get him back, do not take it off because you this it will get him back, do not wear it on alternating Tuesdays and every other Thursday because you think it will get him back.

Wear it because YOU want to wear it. Don't wear it because YOU don't want to wear it.

I'm starting to not care how he feels or what he is going thru. Cause I dont see him giving at rats ass about how Im feeling.

You starting to not care about his feelings toward you because you are doing all the right things for YOU right now. Thats a big point of this whole process. A detached person who has thier own life is far more attractive then someone who is always looking for interaction and approval.

I will take the advice and NOT leave the ring or poem.

Good move.

Also, when was the last time you read DR or DB? As well as, the last time you read the 37 rules.

[2BHappy]

I just re-read the 37 rules yesterday!

Sometimes I feel like wearing the ring and sometimes I don''t.

Need to re-read DR!

I feel the need to take a break from reading posts and just try to ignore H, find more GAL, keep busy focusing on me and my son.

Thanks

[woundedfool]

I just re-read the 37 rules yesterday!

Atta' girl!

Sometimes I feel like wearing the ring and sometimes I don''t.

So wear it when you feel like it. Try not to put it on a pedestal.

Need to re-read DR!

Well, when do you think you will do that.

I feel the need to take a break from reading posts and just try to ignore H, find more GAL, keep busy focusing on me and my son.

Do you feel the reading and posts are a distraction?

[job]

Sometimes we have to take a break from the forum to recharge our batteries. You might need to do this if you feel that the forum is a painful distraction for you.

As for the ring, wear it when you want to and if you don't want to do it, then don't. That's a choice you make for YOU, not for him or as a tactic to get him back.

Learn to do things for YOU, not to get his attention or a reaction.

[2BHappy]

Reading DR will help, I will read it this weekend I have another book that I need to get finish.

Reading the posts...sometimes its just too sad too much all the stuff the H or W are putting LBS's thru. The sadness the pain we are all postings about.

Sometimes I feel like it's only time before my M is over, since most of the posts here end up with the M being over or the LBS bending over backwards to keep someone that is not really there anyway.

I feel like to really be detached I may need to break away from the forum,,but I dont want to leave everyone here who is helping and or who needs encouragment/support...but I think a break I must take.

OH another GAL, I'm working on changing my hair for me, its a way my H does not want it to be, but it's my hair and it's how I want it to be, so 'growing out my hair to wear in my natural state... the way I want to..or at least want to try to see if I like it.

So If I'm gone for a while, everyone take care, GAL, have FUN, smile, be happy!!!

[2BHappy]

Well...dam...
H came home late from work. I ask him where he been....h replied don't start with 20questions...told me that I do what I want go where i want and he does not ask me...
I said I want to know ..I care.
He told me he was over step son house...son needed to talk.
I let it out...ask him how long he planned to live like this...
H said live like what I work a lot and come home
H said sometime he stays at work cause he does not want to come home.
I told him this is not working for me..I appreciate him paying bills and helping with son...but this is not enough for me. Told him I have needs that he is not giving me.
I told him its not fair for either of us to stay together just for our son.
H reminded me of the years I ignore him ignore our M.
I told him I sorry I apologize and if he cannot forgive me I understand
H said he would have to think about it think about what he wants to do.
I told him he had nothing for me that he wanted to give me...why keep me off on the sides .
H listed off all the stuff I do with my friends...I told him yes I deserve to do things go places have friends..enjoy life ...I told him I don't want to just work and come home.
Couple times he walked away... I did not follow...he came back to continue talk...
I keep calm, no tears, just stated how I felt.
He said he will have to think and that he can hear that I'm tired...he said it like he wants it to be my fault... I told him I know he does not want to come off as a bad guy..does not want to be that guy who left his family.
I told him he will not blame this on me.
Told him no one had to be at fault and that again it does not have to be like this.

Cannot type word for word...but I stayed calm no tears no raised voice..
I don't feel bad or nervous about telling him how I felt.
Whatever he decides....I will be OK but I know I don't want this like it is now.

I told him we don't have to live like this.
I ask him why does he ask me where I'm going...why does he care.
He told me stepsons problem tonight already gave him a headache and he could not talk to me right now.

[job]

I'm sorry the discussion came up so soon, but the door opened and you were allow to have some time to say what was on your mind. Now, step back and see what he does. He may have to mull it over for a while and then again, he may want another discussion. Time will tell.

[2BHappy]

Job
AND It felt good to get it out!
So I assume H would sleep in basement,,,to avoid the possibility of any more conversation...well wrong
H came to bed a couple hours later and initated sex, which I accepted.
Now I know it may have been his attempt at buying more time, may have been his way to "settle me down" I'm no fool I may ignore alot of things but my eyes are wide open.

When I told him I did not want to live like this,,,at 1st he was like "live like what" like ,,,letting me know for now he was very ok with how things are now, so I'm very glad I let him know in a calm no confrontatial way that I was SO NOT OK with things the way they are. Glad I told him there is no one to blame, no bad guy in this,,,but I deserve more, I want more.

I have no plans to bring this up again for a while, I will give him time to think,,,I pray he uses this time wisely.

Was on my knees praying last night between telling him how I felt and him leaving the room. I had a great sense of peace. I know that either way my son and I will be ok
I added to my prayer last night, that if this M ends, help/ allow my son14 to be able to accept it, help me to be able to help my son. BUT Thanks to GOD I know I will be OK.
And I even want my H to be ok, I want him to find peace and happiness with or without me.

[woundedfool]

I keep calm, no tears........I stayed calm no tears no raised voice....... I don't feel bad or nervous about telling him how I felt......Whatever he decides....I will be OK but I know I don't want this like it is now.

Good you kept emotions in check.

So I assume H would sleep in basement,,,to avoid the possibility of any more conversation...well wrong
H came to bed a couple hours later and initated sex, which I accepted.
Now I know it may have been his attempt at buying more time, may have been his way to "settle me down" I'm no fool I may ignore alot of things but my eyes are wide open.


Was on my knees praying last night between telling him how I felt and him leaving the room. I had a great sense of peace. I know that either way my son and I will be ok
I added to my prayer last night, that if this M ends, help/ allow my son14 to be able to accept it, help me to be able to help my son. BUT Thanks to GOD I know I will be OK.
And I even want my H to be ok, I want him to find peace and happiness with or without me.

This is why I want you inspired (and frankly sticking around) Because "you have come a long, long way baby!" But I don't think your seeing the forrest through the trees.

You could NOT have had this conversation in the calm manner that you did, without the tools you learned here.
You were able to ML.
You (mostly) have him back in bed.
And there are a ton of other, but I don't feel like re-reading every thread.


There are all things I would have cut off my left arm to at least have a shot at (and they are not things I would have "settled on for an eternity").

You ARE making strides, really big ones, and really moving forward..... I just don't think your taking the time to stop
and take stock.

Don't confuse detachment with giving up.

[2BHappy]

I know this site has helped me alot. The posts, the rules, the responses, it gave me something to do something to focus on.
DB & DR books, the books I read by TD Jakes, praying, support from my SIL.

But finding this site helped me to "stop" sit back and look at it from a different way.

I have no plans on leaving this site, and I hope one day I can help others on here like I'm being helped.

I still want/need a break from reading posts and posting. I thought I was about to start my break then bam, I have a R talk with H and just had to post, I was VERY proud of how in control I was how at peace I was. I could tell H was a lil off he probably expected tears and me chasing him down the stairs, or repeating myself or defending myself when he basically told me I ignored him for years,,but nope none of that. I DB'd and had a R talk at the same time. AND I feel like H really heard me this time!

So I know the support I get here is priceless. Maybe I will not take a long break just maybe a few days.

And you are right...I'm not really allowing myself to see progress in my H, cause I want to keep my expectations LOW, I'm looking at progress in ME.

Off to GAL with son at football game, then some hang out time with friends afterward.

TGIF