Wife having emotional affair part 2

[sandi2]

My question is does this ever stop. I was always the one who had it my way or the highway. So this is kind of my 180. That I compromise more. Or is it that she will never be happy until she has every thing.

Her Issues of unhappiness has nothing to do with the stuff that is being divided up. It is b/c she is unhappy that she gets so upset over letting go of the stuff. WAW'S are self-centered about every area of life. They only see from their POV. And of course, the LBH'S are the targets for whatever.

[3kids]

Thank you Sandi! So much!

I know I can't fix her or stop anything. But is there anything that will help. Like saying NO.

[3kids]

Ok Sandi or anyone else

Here is a good question. The wife just called to vent and talk a little. Apperently she has her mom helping her out on her days with the kids before school because she has school and can't be there. The S12 has school pictures today and of course she didn't help him pick out anything nice for pictures. She left it up to her mom and him. Her mom picks out the same shirt as last year pictures. Wife blows up at her mom. Wife is almost crying on phone to me about her mom trying to raise our kids like she raised her. Wife told her you didn't do that great of job with me what makes you think you can do that with my kids(irony ha ha). I validate, she gets calmed down. Tells me thank you for just listening and not gudging. Then proceeds to talk about how she is so stressed that she is having multiple anxiety attacts. With school, kids, us, life, and being a single parent. To the point even last night after I left our old house(staging it for realtor). Which I was really proud of my self in how I left! Great 180. She was going to call me and take her to the hospital. We talked about how dangerous this is and she needs to see a doctor about it and get help (do not need to be a widower). She says she wishs she could afford it. I help her through this little anxiety attack today and she thanks me whole heartedly. I was so in to it that even at the end of the conversation I called her sweetie. This was all a 180 for me because normally I would not have listened so well might even made a comment towards "suck it up buttercup" in a joking way.

My question is this to you all. Is this a bad thing for me to do. Always being there for her when she needs me. Does she need to know she is losing me in that aspect when she is divorcing me. Or is it good because she is reaching out to me. And calling me in her time of need. Obviously I must be doing something right if she is calling me instead of OM.

[Dpthght]

My question is this to you all. Is this a bad thing for me to do. Always being there for her when she needs me. Does she need to know she is losing me in that aspect when she is divorcing me. Or is it good because she is reaching out to me. And calling me in her time of need. Obviously I must be doing something right if she is calling me instead of OM.

I won't speak for the vets, but I would literally kill Mother Theresa for that...assuming she was alive of course.

[3kids]

I have worked really hard on this aspect of my life. If you really validate and really listen and not just hear some one talk. You will be a better person to every one in your life. It works trust me.

[sandi2]

My question is this to you all. Is this a bad thing for me to do. Always being there for her when she needs me. Does she need to know she is losing me in that aspect when she is divorcing me. Or is it good because she is reaching out to me. And calling me in her time of need. Obviously I must be doing something right if she is calling me instead of OM.

Well I may stand apart from the majority of people here on the board, but I think other WAW'S might agree with me, IDK. As long as she makes no attemps at ending her A, i am not in much favor of being avaiable to her. B/c the sooner she gets a taste of reality, the sooner she stands a chance of coming out of the fog. That could mean seeing life without you, or her and OM having to deal with true daily problems together......all the time.

First of all, I noticed you have mentioned her calling you as a positive or that it means you must be doing something right. Not necessarily so, especially if she is the type who needs to vent her frustrations by talking it out. Has she always done it?
It isn't a sign or a step or anything other than you were the available person to hear all her problems. She saves her best times for him. It is not hard to do when she doesn't have to live with him.

The WAW in an A makes everything about "her". She will cheat on her H and leave him for OM. Then call H to tell him what a hard time she's having......and expects sympathy from him! I ask you.......is that rational? But here's the real kicker. She gives only the best part to her affair partner. She is going to give him her sweetness and encouragement, smiles & laughter, warmth & affection, gentleness & softness, whispers & sighs, etc. & etc......all positive all the time. She only shows him her best side b/c that's what women do when they fall in love .....or trying to get a man. She wants to impress him to believe she's wonderful all the time. Otherwise, there's a chance he might not want to be with her.

So, what is she going to do with the other stuff she deals with? Who does she turn to when she's angry, depressed, demanding, b'tching, upset, complaining, discouraged, sad, encounter problems, etc., etc.? Who gets all the bad parts? I think you know.

The WAW in an A learns to get her needs met by both men, H and OM. H takes care of kids and housing needs......and maybe supply family togetherness from time to time. He is her pin cushion whenever she has the need to stick somebody with her nasty words. He's her target whenever she has a grip. He's a shoulder whenever she needs to cry. He's her ears when she needs to vent. He is often her plumber, electrician, auto repairman, handyman, etc. I could go on, but you get the picture. Do you see how she gets all her needs met by two different men? But he gets her more positive side and you get the more negative.

So don't misinterpret what she's doing. I suggest you stop being quite as available.

[Shakspr]

Wow, sandi2. I don't have OM problems, but this is good advice on any level.

[bdub]

Someone needs to make that last post from sandi a "sticky" and put it in the DB hall of fame!!

[3kids]

Thank you Sandi!

That is what I was thinking. I have been doing that a little in the last few days. The other day I was helping stage the old house with the wife and MIL. And she had to run to the store for some lunch stuff for the kids. Her mom stayed while I was there and with out saying good bye to the wife I just left. When she came home she called me and asked why I left because she wanted to spend some time with me. I said I had some other stuff to get done and said I'm sorry I couldn't stay. Yesterday we had the realtor come out and take pictures of the house. After he was done we talked a little and made sure she was ok on a health stand point. And gave my kids hugs and kisses to the kids and left. We had a football game for S12 in 45 min. She asked aren't you going to stay and I politely said no that I was going to run home real quick. Knowing she probably wanted to ride to the game together(family time). We met at the game and instead of her sitting by other family's and friends. She came by me for the whole game. She said during the game that we should ride together to the kindergarten round up for the little one after the game. I declined and said I couldn't because of my first night subbing on a bowling league and had to drive separate(showing others family together ness). At kindergarten round up, you guessed it she came and sat by me. We did some small talk and left. When we left she mentioned have fun bowling. I said I will.

I say that because this is part of my GAL. And just to show it does some times spark there interests. When ever she has found out about me doing something that shows my moving forward in life she calls me for no reason at all. Of course I got a call from her during my night and of course it was for nothing at all. By the way my bowling game needs some work. Still was fun.

More about your advice Sandi. Every thing that you stated is true. Only thing that I can't stop doing is being there emotionally for her that is one of my 180's that I really want to work on. But maybe It could be a little less.

[3kids]

Just some journal enters.

When moving some stuff from the old house she had me put some stuff in her storage locker. But had me put some important stuff at my house some stuff that means a lot to her. Odd. Heard threw the kids that OM is going to start coming home more often, so that means he can start showing the real him. And she will want to spend less family time with me. Her school is asking more and more of her time. She wanted to something with the kids this weekend on my time. But I declined because I have a full weekend planned for them.

I find it funny how she wears all his Alaskan stuff when she is not around anybody that matters. But around them she wears normal cloths. She made a comment about him buying her all this stuff. New coat and cloths and jewelry and the price on it all. I made a comment as towards that must make you happy or something like that. And she said trust me he does not have that much money and it's just little stuff. OM trying to buy her love. Let OM blow it up because I know that buying love never works. The house is all done now and no more kids stuff at school. So see what she tries to bring up now to spend time with kids and or me.

Knowing I hurts this person enough to leave our marriage. I must give her time and space to sort out what will make her happy in life. I need to become the total package. That any women would be crazy to leave. Getting there but a long journey.
Work on myself. Be the best dad I can be.
Patience patience patience.