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#2487329 09/11/14 04:13 PM
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TLuke35 Offline OP
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My story covers a few different areas like MLC, and infidelity, but this is my first post so i'm putting it here for now until someone recommends a better place.
I found out my wife of 11 yrs was having an affair with a co-worker about 2 months ago. We have 2 kids, daughter & son 9,5.

When confronted my wife denied, but eventually about 1 month ago i had proof, and she confessed. I told her she needed to end it and have NC with the OM, and seek counseling. During the past month she has attempted to end it 3 separate times. The last one being a week ago. She has stated she can't have NC with the person cause they work together on projects. She has committed to limiting it to professional interaction, and tries to use email instead of face contact with the person. However, the OM sits about 10 feet away in her office. She also loves where she works. She believes she doesn't have the feelings of wanting to go after him now, but can't take not having him as a friend. The OM who is single on the other hand has stated he wants to steal her away and even my kids.
Within the past 2 weeks she also started IC. She has told me some of the things she talked about.
1. She only sees me as our kids dad
2. She has a deep love for me, but is not in love with me, and is that enough for her to stay
3. She is having a major mid life crisis. Among other things she feels she never dated enough before we met. She had only 1 other boyfriend before me, and she was 21 when we met.
Some background(She recently went back to work after 5 yrs off to have and raise kids about 1 yr ago and is in a demanding creative field. She works with young people, and sees the freedom that they have. She hears about them dating different people all the time. Going out no responsibilities. She also is having great career success and for the 1st time feels important and heard and loves that feeling)She longs for that.
4. In the end she says she always knew she wanted to be with me, she can't see living without me. She doesn't ever regret getting married.
5. She thinks about the OM all the time. When we are together in bed, out to dinner. She fantasizes all the time having sex with him.
She told me she should just do it with him to get it out of the way, but she just can't. She claims she never did cause she wanted to keep 1 thing we would only have. I believe her and have other evidence to support that but wont go into here.
6. She knows she wants to come home but is not excited to come back.
7. She is worried she will always have this longing to go out, explore on her own.
8. She was once in love with me, but wants those butterfly feelings back that she has with this new guy, she's not sure if that will happen with me
9. She is thinking of taking a chance with the new guy, but doesn't want to throw away the life she has know with our family
10. Our sex life is fantastic but she often thinks of the OM during it
11. She doesn't regret her relationship with the OM just the pain she has caused

On the advice of another forum, i went hard in the beginning. I threatened divorce to try and get her to snap out of the affair fog and choose. I was very strict, and questioned her daily about her whereabouts. I see now that was a mistake.

B4 this happened i thought we were happy(foolishly i guess)we loved spending time together, talking about our family, planning life. I was in love with her still. The pain i have gone through and my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered here has been unimaginable. I never thought i could hurt so bad. Panic attacks, suicidal thoughts(only momentarily), constant heartache. And now, i'm in the process of letting go of trying to pull her toward me. I'm not asking her about her whereabouts, i'm easing off, and giving her space.
I'm also taking time to work on myself, find what makes me happy again as i gave up a lot to please her during our marriage. I'm trying to find a way to be happy in a world that doesn't revolve around her. For the 1st time also, i'm questioning if i want to be married with her. She has become someone i would not choose if i had to today. She is mostly concerned with how she looks, and going to fancy restaurants and bars now, she wants me to change who i am now also(my hobbies, how i dress, my occupation to be more aligned with what she thinks it should be). I'm a rather deep person, and her thinking and behavior to me is anything but.

I recently bought the Divorce Remedy, and am seeing an IC myself. However, i'm confused how to deal with her. I'm not only dealing with a major MLC, but infidelity, and her feeling that the butterflies are lost.
For a MLC i know the Divorce Remedy said you just have to let it play out. To not pull in. If they come back they come back. It is so hard to live each day knowing she might walk out. But, that's how i feel everyday. It's almost like i'm planning my life now and she's planning hers.
And for infidelity, i don't know if i'm handling it right. But, she seems to be moving away from him. She even told me 1 week ago she would find a new job if it would make me feel safer.
Finally, how do we get the romance back? I'm trying different things, being more spontaneous, but when i see her looking into space, i know she's thinking of him and it kills me.

Any resources, people, other books, thoughts are welcome. I'm just
trying to grasp on to any hope i can that there is still a chance, just a chance for us to get out of this together.

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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Keep posting, folks will chime in. I'm a newb. I would definitely encourage you to read through several threads, including the success stories. There's a lot of hope here!


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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TLuke - sorry you are here, but you found the right place. Our stories seem very similar and I have received so much help. Directly and by reading other's stories.

Step back - relax - focus on yourself and really figuring out how you contributed to this - work on you - get ready for a long ride.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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TLuke35 Offline OP
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Thanks for replies. I'm trying to do 180 in certain areas. Most nights when she gets home, i would have dinner waiting for her, kids in bed, and she has nothing to do. 2 nights this week I told her i had meetings and needed to go out as soon as she got home. She had to take care of kids, make her dinner. Is this the right way for me to do the 180?
But also, she does want to come back and wants those feelings for me again. Normally, we don't go out together on dates. It's just us as a family. So i thought the 180 was to schedule just alone time for us past few weeks out alone. I don't talk about her work, i'm not trying to help her through her problems, just light conversation. She did say she liked us going out just the two of us. Should i continue that?

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TLuke35 Offline OP
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I found out yesterday my wife is continuing her affair with her co-worker. No long a PA, but now emotional. She wants to get to know him more so they can see they are incompatible. She says they have short talks at work, and he will walk her bus from work sometimes where they talk. Of course, the idea of seeing if someone is compatible in an affair is complete nonsense to a sane logical person.
My question is i have done 180 past 2 weeks. She has noticed the changes. But, she says she still thinks about him all the time, he's like a drug, and she can't shake it. Now, she still wants to be intimate with me at night, even though she said sometimes she feels guilty like she's cheating on him with me? but during the day i get a friends pat on back instead of an affectionate hug.

I didn't push her on her still maintaining a friendship. She already knows how i feel. I'm backing off pushing now. But, i just feel she is going to sit on the proverbial fence and have the best of both worlds for a long, long time. Unless she leaves her job and commits to me and our family 100%, or leaves our family everyone is in limbo. I'm not sure how long i can take living in limbo. Part of me wants to use the after last resort and not have any contact cause i just feel so used everyday. I feel she is using me for sex, to take care of our kids, the house, her life at home, and, i work too and provide a lot more income than she does.

Is it too early to go to the last resort? My other reason for wanting to go to the last resort is that is i don't really like her most of the time anymore. She is not my wife I married. Sometimes when we are together i remember and the feelings come back. But mostly im just indifferent now, and i sometimes think what it would be like to be with someone else. I never thought i would think that.

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Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Your coach will be able to help you navigate the timing of the last resort & other strategies that will help get your marriage moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi Your story sounds similar to mine. The pain you are feeling is very very tough but you will come out the other side Talk to someone regularly and express your feelings. I have a friend who has literally saved my life and shown me life is for living. We can't control others actions so why try. You sound like a good person who doesn't deserve what's happening I have no practical advice just don't bottle up your feelings. Share them with so some that cares. Take care

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Luke,

It would help other people if you add in a signature so that each post has your info in it. Below is an example I stole from rd500 ^^

your age -
her age -
married - / together -
son -
daughter -
bomb date -


I don't have any children so the most I can say is hang in there, the emotions you feel and will feel are completely normal, and depression is part of it.

Now, having dealt with a cheater myself I would ask her to change her phone number as well and have her change jobs. I'd make her crawl on broken glass to have me again but in my case even that won't be good enough anymore.

As for your W, shes confused and will continue to give you confusing answers, and conflicting information and sadly you will suffer these setbacks. I would say that it will seem bi-polar but my W actually is so maybe I'm biased.

The last resort is exactly that, if you feel that you have had the last straw and everything else has failed, use it. The last resort is not a threat, you are effectively done and saying F it. Be careful to implement it too soon, my M may be somewhat different now if I had given my 180s another few weeks. Regrets are hard to live with so if you can go a full 48 hours without changing your mind I would say you are good to use it.

Do be careful of your W having an overnight change of heart, if this happens tread very slowly.

Good luck friend.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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TLuke35 Offline OP
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Thank you for the responses.
I have been really trying to focus on myself and prepare myself for a new life with or without her. Going out without her, improving my business, meeting new people.

She doesn't want a divorce and believes i feel the same. She continues to say she knows where she wants to go which is back 100% with me and my kids. But, it is going to take time. She is hoping her feelings will just die down with her affair partner.
Again, she works 10 feet away from him. He continues to pursue her at work and will not give up. She says she is going to look elsewhere, but for now can't leave. She says that i don't see the battles everyday and sometimes she will fall off the wagon. (letting him touch her arm, leg, who knows what else at work)

I don't love her anymore and most times i don't like her(who could love or like someone like that?) I guess i'm just tired of being lied to every single day. She doesn't know the damage she has done. She asked me why i still love her last week after what she has done, and i couldn't respond.

I have been great the past week or so, cause i've been thinking about my future and moving on. Hoping she would commit eventually. But, the lying is just tiring. I'm not sure how much longer i can be around someone like that, and have even thought about moving out for awhile myself.

I just long for a time when i could feel safe from this behavior or that she was going to leave everyday. I'm not sure i'll ever have that with her, and i think a lot now about how i deserve to be treated better, and maybe just maybe there is another decent human being out there who wants that too.

__________________________
M: 41 W:38
D:8, S:5
M: 12 Yrs, T:17
DDay1: July 18 '14
DDay 2: Aug 15,14
DDay 3: Aug 27,14
and so on.

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