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First of all, know for certain what you want. Second, protect yourself.

Has she told you without a doubt that there is no chance in hades she will reconcile? If that is her belief, she should have given back the engagement ring. What's she going to do with it other than the same idea you have.......sell it. So, if you want to ask for it back, and if you know you will not be giving her another one, then get it back. But if you are no,ding out for reconciliation, I suggest you don't sell it b/c then you'll have to buy another one for her. smile.

Whatever your hopes and plans for the future, I believe you need to get legal protection ASAP! Also. Protect your finances. Did you have any joint accounts, credit cards, property, etc.? If she is through with you........she may be advised to take advantage b/c she's worth it. smirk

As for the rest, look for Sandi's Rules and start applying them. Even though it may not feel like you should be doing them, they do work when you have a walk-away. There are no guarantees you'll get her back. However, if you will stick with us, I bet you will grow and become a better person than when you first arrived.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
First of all, know for certain what you want. Second, protect yourself.

Has she told you without a doubt that there is no chance in hades she will reconcile? If that is her belief, she should have given back the engagement ring. What's she going to do with it other than the same idea you have.......sell it. So, if you want to ask for it back, and if you know you will not be giving her another one, then get it back. But if you are no,ding out for reconciliation, I suggest you don't sell it b/c then you'll have to buy another one for her. smile.

Whatever your hopes and plans for the future, I believe you need to get legal protection ASAP! Also. Protect your finances. Did you have any joint accounts, credit cards, property, etc.? If she is through with you........she may be advised to take advantage b/c she's worth it. smirk

As for the rest, look for Sandi's Rules and start applying them. Even though it may not feel like you should be doing them, they do work when you have a walk-away. There are no guarantees you'll get her back. However, if you will stick with us, I bet you will grow and become a better person than when you first arrived.
She still seems like she is mad and confused, she is working like crazy and preparing for another fitness competition and 100% of her time and energy is being put into this. She said that she will meet me in mid November for a talk and whatever else after her competition.

She is still wanting a friendship and she still talks to my friends and family, i dont know anymore. I will go back and re-read some of the divorce remedy. Maybe I will wait until we meet to get the ring back, that will give another month, maybe there will be some sort of change by then.

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[quote]She still seems like she is mad and confused, she is working like crazy and preparing for another fitness The anger and confusion will be there as long as she is in this frame of mind. And, placing 100% of herself on a competition shows how unbalanced her life is right now. She has placed the competition above her family and marriage. Who does that? A WAW does it.

Stay out of her way. Take care of yourself and the kids.........and live your life with the attitude you will be fine with or without her. Btw, the "feelings" of this will not come right away, but act "as if" and the feelings will catch up.

You may want to check out a good family therapist for you and the kids. They need guidance through this, too.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
[quote]She still seems like she is mad and confused, she is working like crazy and preparing for another fitness The anger and confusion will be there as long as she is in this frame of mind. And, placing 100% of herself on a competition shows how unbalanced her life is right now. She has placed the competition above her family and marriage. Who does that? A WAW does it.

Stay out of her way. Take care of yourself and the kids.........and live your life with the attitude you will be fine with or without her. Btw, the "feelings" of this will not come right away, but act "as if" and the feelings will catch up.

You may want to check out a good family therapist for you and the kids. They need guidance through this, too.


This same thing happened during the last competition she did and we really never quite recovered from it because every time an argument would happen it would be brought up about how I didn't support her and I would bring up how hard it was on our relationship.

The last one came pretty close to breaking us, our lives went from being outgoing and fun to never leaving the house unless it was to go to the gym. Never went out for supper because she had a special diet, could never relax and have a drink, our lives just stopped and when I tried to get her to go out and do something there was an argument about how I wasn't supporting her, and I would say that she wasn't supporting our relationship, I could have been wrong but at the time I was upset because of our already limited time together was even less now because of this competition.

She would live on her ipad and iphone looking up meals and talking to her trainer and other gym friends, like I wasn't even there and I got mad about it, there were times I tried to talk about it but it usually turned to a fight.

When she said she was doing another one I couldn't believe it. After what hell we went through last time it was going to happen again. I talked to her about it and we agreed to be more open and have a life this time, I said I would support her in it as long as it came back my way as well and the same things didn't happen again.

I could see it happening again, the constant texting her trainer and her trainers husband who is some sort of counsellor I found out a while back who I have seen has given her some very bad advice. He would tell her that if she is not happy someone else can make her happy, saying that she is very sexy and anyone would be lucky to have her among other things. She never talked to me about their talks but never denied them, finally she said she doesn't feel appreciated and her trainer and her husband helped her see that.

We would be out on a date and she wouldn't put her phone down, texting and taking pictures of the band and sending them. I got mad after the date, I had asked her nicely to put the phone away and she just couldn't do it. She kept saying "its only Richard, Hes gay" And yes he is, but that's not the point I told her, the point is this is our night and you were complaining we didn't do anything fun, So here we are at the place that she picked and the cell phone is the most important.

The next morning at the hotel I was getting ready and there was a text coming in on her phone, she had messaged her trainers husband and told him about how I got mad about her phone use. I feel that she is so obsessed with this competition and her job that nothing else matters, it didn't last time either.

She is doing the competition on Nov 15 and going to meet me to talk a few days later, I am just wondering if I should just not go, or see her and just ask about the competition and not talk about "us", or try and get her to see a therapist, but not for the relationship. just to talk and get some stuff out because I still have a lot of questions and if im going to get over this and move on I need to know what happened so it doesn't happen again.

In the weeks leading up to this meet should I have zero contact with her or be making small talk and asking how the competition is going and her job, just still confused here with all this. She really seems to think that I haven't been working on myself and just trying to get her back this whole time, she is getting so many screwed up answers from so many different people its making her want to leave and not look back because they are her friends and they are pumping her up and telling her how special she is and deserves more.

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I'm really thinking that this no contact is what she wants, I feel she is using the time to get over me and everything she walked away from. Everything she is doing just doesn't make sense and she seems totally fine with it.

Not sure what to do when I meet her next month, or if I even should, and if I do what should I talk about? The relationship? How to go our separate ways? Or just get answers that I didn't really get yet and leave it at that.

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Not easy stealth.

The good news is that you're reacting too soon. I know a few days or a week or two feels like a long time of no contact. It's not. It's WAY too soon to interpret reactions. Yes, it may be what she wants right now. That may change. Will you change? What changes do you hope she will start to notice next time you see each other?

As for the training, that is tough. I am a world class pool player and my life has been out of balance in the past due to pool. I thought since I was so good she should love me for it, support me, feel lucky to be with someone so special. Now I realize its a game and it only mattered in my own mind. But I was constantly dissatisfied with my W and felt she should worship me for my greatness. Crazy. I lived in a fantasy world.

Not much you can do if she lives there. She may have to rejoin the ordinary world to some degree. In the meantime work on you. Then again, maybe you can do a 180 with recognizing her accomplishments and being more supportive. Oh, not now, not directly. But how might you suddenly show her that you admire what she's able to do in a way that's not pursuing? You've got time, give it some thought. It is clearly a primal need she needs met, and while it looks like she's getting that from another source, she might prefer to get it from the man she loves if he was able.

Be patient and have faith. In your sitch but mostly in yourself.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Not easy stealth.

The good news is that you're reacting too soon. I know a few days or a week or two feels like a long time of no contact. It's not. It's WAY too soon to interpret reactions. Yes, it may be what she wants right now. That may change. Will you change? What changes do you hope she will start to notice next time you see each other?

As for the training, that is tough. I am a world class pool player and my life has been out of balance in the past due to pool. I thought since I was so good she should love me for it, support me, feel lucky to be with someone so special. Now I realize its a game and it only mattered in my own mind. But I was constantly dissatisfied with my W and felt she should worship me for my greatness. Crazy. I lived in a fantasy world.

Not much you can do if she lives there. She may have to rejoin the ordinary world to some degree. In the meantime work on you. Then again, maybe you can do a 180 with recognizing her accomplishments and being more supportive. Oh, not now, not directly. But how might you suddenly show her that you admire what she's able to do in a way that's not pursuing? You've got time, give it some thought. It is clearly a primal need she needs met, and while it looks like she's getting that from another source, she might prefer to get it from the man she loves if he was able.

Be patient and have faith. In your sitch but mostly in yourself.
I know it seems soon but she moved her stuff out at the end of August, I have only spoke with her a few times since then and haven't seen her because of our jobs. There is the problem, the work schedules and her training, we don't see each other or speak so any changes I do make will never be seen by her.

I could send the occasional email or text to see how her training is going and say im proud of her but im not sure that's such a good idea. Maybe I should just wait until I see her in November.

I just don't know anymore, it makes this really hard because there have been things I really did work on and change and I see them myself and so do other people around me but she is avoiding me and only comes around while I am away at work.

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Is it possible to talk to a DB Coach? Mine has been no less than life changing on so many occasions.

Vets?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Is it possible to talk to a DB Coach? Mine has been no less than life changing on so many occasions.

Vets?
how do I go about that?

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Well I have a small update, I messaged my finances mother to just basically say goodbye and thanks for everything as I haven't talked to her since this all this happend.She said she was sorry and my fiance (her daughter) has also shut her out and a lot of it started around the same time as these fitness competition's. She said she had become a different person.

Now her mother told me that my fiance has been talking to her best friend who is also like her mother and she is going to visit her next week. My finances mother said she is going to see her best friend (mother's best friend) next week and broke down to her on the phone and said she doesnt know what she's doing and if its the right thing and needs to talk. She has told her she either needs a hug and some help, a kick in the ass to smarten her up or both. She really trusts what this lady has to say so hopefully something good comes from it. My fingers are crossed.

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