Can I get her back??..

[LoveMyW]

Another good day with S6+8 today, with more to come over the next couple of days I'm sure!!.. Had a lot of fun playing games and watching movies as the weather was pretty cruddy to be doing anything outside.. We did manage to get a little shop done though to get a couple of toys for them to keep here..

Had some more contact with W today basically regarding how the kids were, and just general "business" stuff.. We were both chirpy and friendly though which is always good..

My PMA has seriously been at the highest point it has been since S, and I attribute this to being with the S6+8.. I find that even though they remind me of W, it seems to "sooth" me and I have realised I haven't even really thought of her over the last couple of days..

On saying all of that, it's amazing how one little comment can almost unravel you.. When talking it was mentioned "you have the kids every second weekend".. Those 7 small words almost threw me, and I can't help but to think that R/M or anything even close to it is on her mind.. To me, it almost sounded like she is making long term plans.. I didn't let it hit me like a freight train, but it did sit in the back of the mind for a while..

Is it normal to get those feelings from something as simple as that??.. Could someone please chime in with any advice you have..

[bravo61]

LMW,
I understand completely that feeling. My W and I will be having a great time and then she will mention something I've done wrong in the past or she spoke to her atty. I politely remind her the past is the past & I'm sorry for the man I was and I would like to have good time. Sounds like you reacted just right and didn't take the bait. In a lot of ways it's like a foster kid, they will test you for a long time before they can trust you. Keep up the good work. Don't give up!!!

[LoveMyW]

LMW,
I understand completely that feeling. My W and I will be having a great time and then she will mention something I've done wrong in the past or she spoke to her atty. I politely remind her the past is the past & I'm sorry for the man I was and I would like to have good time. Sounds like you reacted just right and didn't take the bait. In a lot of ways it's like a foster kid, they will test you for a long time before they can trust you. Keep up the good work. Don't give up!!!

Thanks for the support bravo..

Yeah, there have been a few time I have bitten before, but I'm slowly learning not to.. The other one that gets me over the last couple of days is "it hurts/[censored] that the kids aren't here".. I honestly feel like giving a full on reality check and saying something about how she went WAW and I didn't get a chance to see them for almost 3 months.. That would be counterproductive for all involved so I have refrained there too..

Thanks again, and trust me, I don't intend to give up any time soon!!..

[JCred]

I don't really appreciate being told I am not being honest, when I have given all information about my sitch, and have answered any questions directed toward me honestly, and informatively..

I would really like to hear your reasoning behind your train of thought..

I need to say I'm sorry to you. I was wrong in my approach to you and I truly apologize for my rude comments.

I am a former WS and do have a knowledge of what a wayward is thinking. I certainly see that I didn't help you.

[LoveMyW]

I don't really appreciate being told I am not being honest, when I have given all information about my sitch, and have answered any questions directed toward me honestly, and informatively..

I would really like to hear your reasoning behind your train of thought..

I need to say I'm sorry to you. I was wrong in my approach to you and I truly apologize for my rude comments.

I am a former WS and do have a knowledge of what a wayward is thinking. I certainly see that I didn't help you.

JCred, I accept your apology unreservedly.. I would also like to apologize for my reply to you, as looking back, I may have been a bit harsh myself..

I REALLY don't think she is a WS, but more of a WAW.. The last few days would have been the perfect opportunity for her to "stretch her legs" as it were if there was anything else was happening as the kids wouldn't be in the picture, but AFAIK she has been working extra hours to make more money (backed up by a phone call from work number about the kids), and then not doing much else apart from catching up with friends/family members..

I'm not going to deny the fact that she may be looking, or interested in someone but it hasn't happened yet AFAIK, and after 2/3 months you would have thought something would have surfaced, especially when she has previously told me to "move on" etc..

Another small positive I forgot to mention earlier.. She is picking the kids up from me on Sunday afternoon, and when she does I have the headlight job to do on her car (which will take me a couple of hours).. I told her that I would make the kids tea to save her doing it later, and that I would make some extra so if she was hungry she could have some too.. To my surprise so said that sounds good.. I know it's not much, but cooking something decent was never a strong suit, but one of my 180's is to start cooking something more substantial.. I can cook, but got in to the habit of just making easy stuff instead of cooking up a nice meal..

No expectations, and I will put no pressure in there.. Just a friendly offer of "I have cooked too much" is how I thought of it, and how it came across by the look of it..

[JCred]

JCred, I accept your apology unreservedly..

Thanks. Very kind of you.

I would also like to apologize for my reply to you, as looking back, I may have been a bit harsh myself..

Apology accepted.

Now. Back to the issue at hand... Winning your wife back...

I highly recommend that your first step is to call Dbing and set up a series of appointments with Chuck.... I am sure he will tell you to find something in your life to get passionate about as part of GAL..Notice the word PASSIONATE..... He has also been known to say to laugh a lot.... learn to laugh and laugh often... (Women LOVE to laugh with a man who they are in love with... they often fall in love with men who like to laugh and have silly fun)...

From my experience and from listening and observing most women.... Here's what I think your most important goals should be....


Confidence.. (Over and over you will see that women are attracted to confident men).. In your case it's important to show that you are fine with life just the way things are. With or without her....

Women love men who are happy... (If you really observe relationships you will see that happy men attract women. Happy men keep women. They love men who are fun to be with and can joke around...
When you observe the men who came on this site because their wife wants out.. almost every instance the man has said he had been depressed or angry or not happy with his job, etc. etc. etc... I don't recall too many of them saying I was a happy person to live with so she left me... Learn to be a happy man.. (Happy just as things are)..

Emotionally strong... Women are attracted to emotionally strong men. Men who they can lean on emotionally. Think of the silent, strong, rock kind of man.... It's ok to show feelings now and then, but the wise man is EMOTIONALLY tuned to HER FEELINGS.. This is why it will set you back by wanting to talk about the "relationship".. It conveys WEAKNESS emotionally and trust me women can sense this and it is a huge turnoff.. We don't want to show weakness emotionally at this point.. We want to show STRENGTH emotionally... Kind of like... "Hey, I can handle this." (with your actions more than your words)


When you combine these all together consistently with NO BACKSLIDES.. We don't want backslides... Yes, we will tell you to move on from them, but let's eliminate them altogether as far as the confidence, being a happy man and being emotionally strong... this puts you on the right track...

Please be careful with overdoing things FOR her... You mentioned fixing her lights,making the kids tea and also tea for her... mentioning fixing her some food.. that's three things in one paragraph.. that could be too much too soon.. You can come across as "trying" too hard... Remember confident men don't usually have to "try" too hard to win a woman... The woman is attracted TO HIM because he comes across as someone ALL women would like..

Confident, happy, emotionally strong men usually don't chase a woman who says they don't want them... That's why it turns a woman off.. Ask Sandi about this..

SOOOOOOO, We have to "chase" her until she catches you.. (think about that)...

What 180's can you do to show confidence, happiness and being emotionally strong?... These are ways to draw her back without appearing to be chasing her.....

[LoveMyW]

Well the kids have now gone back to W's, but I have them again next weekend with plenty planned!!.. W seemed happy to hear that they had a lot of fun when they explained to her what we have been up to..

W arrived to pick up S6+8 just as I finished cooking tea, and said hers was in the oven for her if she wanted it.. She mentioned she wasn't hungry as she had been out to lunch.. Well I put the headlight globes in that I have mentioned previously, and came back in to grab a tool I had forgotten and found her eating some.. She mentioned that it smelt too good, and since when did I cook up something like this (one of my 180's has been to cook better stuff than something fried/grilled etc).. I just said that I wanted to try something different and left it at that..

I finished the job and came back inside (W had been watching the kids play Xbox) and mentioned to her that it was all done and expected her to up and go.. I got a bit of a shock when she said that I had better make her a coffee before she went..

I did the above mentioned (I was keen on one myself) and we sat down and chatted.. Nothing in particular, but just good friendly chat.. I kept PMA up, validated when need be, and looked her in the eye and LISTENED to everything she had to say..

One thing I noticed that she was talking a lot about "stuff WE had" or "stuff WE once had" (material things).. Not much I know, but for the first time in person since S she was mentioning WE.. I'm not getting excited but it seems like a positive sign.. She also noticed new clothes I was wearing, and mentioned they looked good.. I also made sure I was shaved and smelled good!!.. I would say she noticed, but didn't say much..

I wonder what is next (if anything)!!..

[LoveMyW]

Well 2x4 needed here I think..

Once again I feel I have put my foot in the proverbial.. Things between me and W have been going well the last few days.. Nowhere near R or getting back together, but calm and good.. I went to pick up S6+8 today for their weekend with me and stayed at hers for a while, had a coffee and a really good chat.. As I was leaving, we were both speaking really well, and there was a moment there where I thought something may happen, but didn't move on it and left it at that.. I felt there was a bit of a good tension in the air..

Here is where the 2x4 is needed.. Whether I was mind reading, had the situation completely wrong because of my feelings, or read it right, I made a huge mistake when talking to W after she rang to speak to the kids (her request to talk to me after).. I bought up R & M, and I was wrong to do so.. The ensuing conversation got her annoyed, if not a bit more than that.. It also got her saying about how her feelings hadn't changed to which I said that that was because she didn't want them to as other people have worked through problems way worse than ours, but she just seemed like she couldn't care whether we did or didn't work through it..

I didn't yell or scream, and spoke calm about it, but it was all still a FUBAR moment that should never have happened.. I rushed in too quick on what may (or may not) have been there, and I'm back at square 1 again I guess..

I thought I had detached enough not to care what she does, and for a while I honestly felt that, but now I realise I need to even more.. I'm getting my GAL on don't you worry, but I look at her GAL and it just makes me think "well there is why you don't want to change your feelings".. Mind reading I know, and I've just got to work harder on detaching and my own GAL/180 some more..

2x4 away!!..

[LoveMyW]

*sigh* So W calls yesterday to talk to S6+8 (boys weekend again), and we have a brief chat after.. Even after what I class as a backslide, she is openly talking to me, asking how my day was, asking about my job hunting and just being interested in what I am doing..

She explained about asking about the job hunting, as she wants me to have money and stability, and be able to give the boys stuff when they stay here (it doesn't matter what you do, money is always needed)..

All in all, the chats we have lately seem more friendly than friendly but at the same time she says her feeling haven't changed, and as I mentioned, it seems like she honestly doesn't want them to..

Once again *sigh*

[bravo61]

let it out LMW. you are not sighing, you're pissed and you should be. anger is a totally acceptable emotion. it is your body telling you that something isn't right. vent, cry, scream, but do it all on this forum. don't let the anger control you or hold it in. it will turn into resentment which is the hallmark of the WAS. you don't want to turn into one of them do you? close your eyes and imagine what a M would like like with the best you and the best her. now, can you look in the mirror and say that you have held up your end of the bargain? if you don't put in the work you are wasting your time. i'm not saying you aren't, just the collective YOU (if that makes sense). now picture that wonderful marriage again, is it worth working towards even if it may not happen? if you can't honestly say yes, then you have some decisions to make. who knows, that may help you detach. just my two cents. feel free to visit my thread and smack me about. God knows i feel i can't see positives right now but maybe i'm too close to the sitch.