Hello everyone. This is my first time here. This is my story. September 19th my husband and I should be celebrating our 16th anniversary. Instead I fear every day he has started filing for divorce. April 5th my husband made an inquiry to an attorney. April 8th was the day I found out. Two days later I found a picture of him and another woman. Confirmed everything through a text. A week later he moved in with her. Abandoned his family while he was working 2000 miles away from home. Just like it was nothing. It's been a very agonizing 5 months with little to no communication. Our daughters are angry and hurt. Our oldest refuses to speak to him. Hurts my heart everyday. A couple of weeks ago he sent me a text to tell me that they broke up. It was even funnier he called while we were out and asked me to call him, so I did. He just wanted to make sure I got his text. Said we should be happy they broke up...well yeah!! I was hoping he would fall apart and he did started talking to me more like we used. Asked him would it be that awful to try and work things out. In his mind he is done and nothing I say is going to change his mind. Not pushing I just pray what I said sticks in his head. He told me for the girls sake he wishes we weren't. Makes me feel like he is not 100% sure this us what he wants. Now to the scary stuff he also told me he was feeling so bad and depressed that he called the VA hotline. So I know he is hurting too. I just want a second chance to save what we have and make it better. He has texted a couple of times to ask what I was doing. Made me feel good because I miss talking to him. Well that was short lived because he is feeling better and has started the online dating thing. I know this man better than he knows himself. This is his 2nd marriage, my 1st. He is doing the exact same thing he was doing when I met him after he left wife #1. He never really dealt with anything. We went through a lot because of it. He felt guilty and wasn't sure he was doing the right thing. He pretty much buried it. Now 22 years later history is repeating it's self. So here I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop....
H 45/me 44 M 16/ T 22 D 15, D 11 Bomb dropped 4/2014 Separated 5 months OW crashed and burned until the next one
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
I am sorry that you find yourself here, but, it is an excellent community of thoughtful, caring people. I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Coaches can help you focus on your marriage goals and keep your family together. As you say, he is doing exactly what he's done before. You need to learn how to say and do things differently in order for him to respond to you differently. Call us to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I love how they tell you they've "changed" but you can look them in the face and go, "No you haven't; you're doing the same crap you did when your last relationship ended."
My H also cheated on and left a girlfriend before me. I told him (before I decided to DB) that that's exactly how this is playing out; he became unhappy and rather than communicate or try to work on it, he just slept with someone else and then left.
Anyway, hang tight. You'll get a lot of support here, even if you just need to vent. Validate his feelings. Keep your mouth shut about YOU and the R, until he's ready.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Well I probably made the #1 mistake trying to hold on, but at this point I have nothing to lose. I texted the OW today. I am not mad and bitter. My husband put her in our mess so I figured what the hell. I told her not to freak out but she is still talking to him and he only talks to when he needs something or when nobody else is there. I asked her if she could tell where his head is at. He is so far away from us and I have only been given bits and pieces from him. We talked and I told her that I wished someone would advocate for me and she talked to him today. As I was afraid of it didn't go over well. Got a few texts chewing me out. I didn't respond. He called a little while ago. He sounded calm and told me to call him tomorrow. I am afraid of what he is going to say. I guess I opened up this can of worms, I will have to take whatever he dishes out. I just don't know how to get through to him. He is acting desperate to replace me and he is laying it on make himself sound so mistreated. It's driving me crazy...this is so hard when I can't see him....
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Well I have decided that I am stopping communication with my husband unless it has to do with the girls. As much as it kills me, he doesn't have time for me right now. So I in turn am not going to make time for him. I will continue to pray every day for him, but we are going on the best I can. Work is picking up so I have a lot to keep me budy. Focusing on my girls and making our way through this mess.
Me:43. H:45 M 16 T 22 D 15 D 11 BD 4/14 Praying every day for a miracle.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Well I have made some horrible judgments the last 2 weeks. It all came back to bite me in the ass. Deep breath and get back on track. I think the 180 plan is the way to tackle this mess. I pray every day that I get straightened out financially that I can breathe. My H told me tonight that he may be in Louisiana come October /November and if that happens he wants to see the girls. I don't think that he realizes how uncomfortable and painful it is going to be for them to see him. That goes for me as well. I'm terrified about how that is going to go. As much as I want him here it is still scary. Emotions will not be maintained.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Well last night things got a little worse. First,H shut off my phone because OW told him I was spying. Technically I was but just watching our phone bill. Apologized for that H turns it back on. Now ever since his break up from OW he is doing the online dating thing. Yes I can see that too.. H w as a talking to some random woman last night and out of the blue she tells him to say hi to your wife. Sent him into a fit accused me of messing with him. Yes I know his password but there is no way it shows anything about me. Then when H calls threatening to turn all the phones off,stop sending me money,then goes as far as to blame our oldest when I told him it wasn't me. I'm sorry but not every woman is going to see past his bs. She obviously saw a red flag in what he was saying. Anyway I guess I am done ranting. It is time to step away before we become enemies.
Last edited by fpw1998; 09/24/1411:07 AM.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
I had control over the phone bill we still share. I made myself the administrator on the account so I could keep an eye on what all of us was using for data. When he ripped my world apart in April I purchased a membership for a site to look up numbers. Kept it for a couple of months but I was checking the numbers he was calling. Bad I know. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I would contact OW to see where H head was at because after their break up he told me he was so depressed about us and OW that he called the VA hotline because he wanted to hurt himself. It scares me that he was in such a dark place. We had started talking again and it was a small glimmer of hope,very short lived. Anyway I contacted OW again Saturday. It was my b day and I couldn't sleep and got up really early and pretty much cried all morning. Especially when he texted me Happy Birthday. I just asked if there was anything new and I spouted off that I knew that they had talked the night before. She asked if was a spy and I opened my mouth and inserted my foot... needless to say she told H. And to top it off some woman he was talking to online told him to tell his wife hi and then some other choice words. H called me in a rage and threatened to stop sending me money and he would shut off all of our phones blah blah blah. I told him I had nothing to do with that so he then accused our daughter of messing with his stuff. That did not go over well. D15 texted him and pretty much told him off. We haven't heard anything from him today. So not anything that bad...lol
Last edited by fpw1998; 09/25/1402:36 AM.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Not having much faith today. Had some very unsettling text messages with WAH/MLC today. H said some very hurtful things that I didn't want to hear. It's really hard to swallow when your H tells you that the OW(who broke up with him a month ago)was the best thing that has happened to him in 2 years. 22 years didn't mean anything I guess. I hate watching H self destruct knowing it won't matter what I say to him. I know it's time to let go even though my heart is still breaking. It's time to focus on our girls and myself. I will continue to pray for him,for us and for the chance to try again but he will have to come to that decision.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
98, I'm sorry to hear that he is capable of saying things like that to you. Its incredible how thick the fog is for some of these WAS's. I pray that you are able to focus on yourself and your D's at this time. My sitch has been heart wrenching, but I can't even imagine the pain you've been through with two older kids and an OW in the picture. You are amazing to still be standing for your family! Never stop taking care of yourself first.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Thank you Card29, It is very hard with our girls being older. You can't tell them how to feel. H thinks they will get over this and maybe some day they will. I have had 6 months to reflect on our M,and the most eye opening thing I have come to realize is that the things we as children see in our parents comes through in our lives. The way my mother interacted with my dad is the same way I have interacted with my H. It scares me what this has already done to our girls.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Well to quote MWD, do something different! Don't just let them get over it and hope they turn out okay like a lot of divorced/unhappy couples did over the last couple of generations. You're right, it had left a lot of us repeating our parents mistakes. My dad neglected my mom, and I ended up doing the same thing. Keep learning about how to build a solid marriage, how to build love after the "honeymoon" fire burns out, and teach this to your kids. Keep taking care of yourself and learning, and you'll probably have a chance to show it to your kids, either with your H or another lucky man.
I've noticed so many people lately saying "I wish I'd learned this before it fell apart." Well it's too late for us to have avoided disaster, but not for our kids!
Last edited by Card29; 09/30/1402:32 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I have read DR. After what happened tonight I don't have a snowballs chance in hell of fixing this. I will be thankful if he just goes away. H threatening to have me charged with invasion of privacy... He is defending OW and wanting to destroy me...22 years for him to treat me like this. I'm such a wreck right now...
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
"I have read DR. After what happened tonight I don't have a snowballs chance in hell of fixing this."
Why not?
"I will be thankful if he just goes away. H threatening to have me charged with invasion of privacy..."
I've heard much worse when my W was at the height of her situation. You have to be stronger than that.
"He is defending OW and wanting to destroy me...22 years for him to treat me like this. I'm such a wreck right now..."
You can do it. You're stronger than that. You know what he's saying isn't true. In fact, it's par for the course the WAS lashing out at the LBS. You need to detach.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you Mr Bond I needed that... Today was a very emotional day for me. Who would think closing a bank account would be so emotional. Cried the whole time. Too many trigger words I guess. Now I am drained... Ready to put an end to today...
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Well H officially filed for D this morning. I think my hope is fading fast. After the horrible things that have been said in the last 2 weeks I fear I am going to have to bow out gracefully.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Another emotional day today. Spoke to H yesterday. He wanted to talk about some tests he is having done. He is worried that it's cancer. Told me if it is he will not have treatment. What am I suppose to do with that. All I want is to wrap my arms around him,tell him I love him and we will get through it. BUT I can't. Couldn't sleep last night I prayed all night for him,have cried all day today. I know that I shouldn't worry until there is a reason to worry but it's so hard when he is away from us and I have not seen him since December. I'm so tired......
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Crushed once again... H was suppose to be coming closer to home in 2 weeks. Once again something comes up. I was hoping for time to be in each others presence. We have not seen each other since January. I need to see his face, closure, something, anything. I can not accept things the way he has chosen to handle this. He had his test on Wednesday. I have prayed so much that he is ok that I think I hurt myself. Tells me today he is not coming because he is staying for treatment. No elaboration, nothing. Promised me he would tell me what was going on. I'm at a loss.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
