Lotta old posts from the last few days have been missing. It's like a DB snapchat. Maybe that's better. The idea that my thoughts and interactions here are public forever is unsettling.
That said, I take the risk to post here because this is the only place where I get this kind of support. My IC will give me 2x4's and help me change negative thought patterns... but she doesn't help me with strategies for continuing to stand for my M. And the stories I hear from divorced friends are just not comparable. I have three friends who are WAW's whose H were NOT the spouse only a fool would walk away from. Their advice is not helpful to me.
Why did he up and walk out on me? Our marriage was unhappy and not working for either of us, but it was fixable. Our problems were perhaps more intense than those of our friends...but not so different. I am a flawed but good person, who has spent nearly the last year becoming someone only a fool would walk away from. He just up and walked out on me. Just shut the door and that was it. The only things he could really say about why he did that were that he was unhappy... and then later added that he realized he was unhappy for even longer than he had originally thought. So he just tossed me and our life aside.
I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve to lose the support and friendship of all of his friends and family (who had also become people I cared for and confided in over the last eight years. They are gone from my life, choosing to stand by his side and essentially cutting me out of their lives.)
Maybe he was just cheating on me (or had an EA first, so in his mind it wasn't cheating.) Maybe he is having a MLC. He said he needed to find happiness. My SIL and his friends have talked to me about how he seems to be on a "quest for happiness." He has been unable to open up and talk with me honestly about this, or even consider the possibility of trying together. He was the gourmet chef of our family and now orders in Chinese food every week for our D. And watches Spongebob with her. Me: What do you like most about daddy's house? D3: I get to eat treats and I get to watch a lot of TV. Even when I tell Daddy that I've already had treats that day, he says, that's ok, you can still have one. Isn't that so silly, Mama?
ok, then.
Dating other women (just one? Many? Who the F knows) while we still share all our bank accounts, and while he is still publicly married to me on FB. Classy. just because you take off your ring and decide you're not married anymore doesn't mean YOU'RE NOT.
Some days I think about all that he's done and I wonder how I ever even loved him in the first place. What kind of person does this?
I think these feelings of chaos and anger stem from the fact that if I am really honest with myself, I just don't believe that he is strong enough to be able to do the work to R with me, even if he actually wanted to. I think I'm about to reach a new step, and it feels scary.
I am a good person. I am a worthy person. I am a loveable person, a beautiful person, a smart person, a great mom.
I deserve better than this. He deserves a kick in the you-know-what.
Dating other women (just one? Many? Who the F knows) while we still share all our bank accounts, and while he is still publicly married to me on FB. Classy. just because you take off your ring and decide you're not married anymore doesn't mean YOU'RE NOT.
This really resonates with me. My H changed his FB status to single, told me he wants a D so he can feel free to do whatever. Yet we haven't told our kids, most of family and friends have no idea. He still supports me financially (for now).
Quote:
I am a good person. I am a worthy person. I am a loveable person, a beautiful person, a smart person, a great mom.
You are all of these things, remember it isn't about "deserving." Deep down I would like to think that our WAH don't really think we deserve any of this, they are just doing what they think they need to do for them, regardless of how ridiculously selfish it is.
Eventually you will be on the other side of this with or without your H you will still be smart, loveable, beautiful etc!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
You are a worthy person who deserves much, much better, for sure.
What did you decide about the service?
I just had a long text conversation with my H. Basically started with me stamping my feet and demanding to know how we got here, and him saying he wasn't really sure.
!!!!!!
But eventually that line of talk played out and I changed the tone. That's not how I want things to be with us. Sent him a picture of the beer I was drinking, and ultimately it went all over the place. We talked about rings. (Both off, now, but we discussed the thinking) talked about family stuff, things from our past, books we're reading, that sort of thing. It ended ok.
Btw, he said about the rings that he doesn't want to wear it till it doesn't feel hypocritical. And I said, if they ever come back on, I don't want them to be the same ones that became tokens of our unhappiness. But I agree, when you're married in every way except sharing the life together, you take care of business first.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this on your thread. Sorry if it's a hijack. I guess I felt if I wanted things to be different, then I'd need to make them different. I guess DB has given me that kind of agency.
I really had a pretty demanding weekend.
Anyway, Claire, can I be supportive and agree with your IC about the negative mindset? I don't know where your magic formula is, but I don't think you've found it yet. He's a fool for leaving you, absolutely, and he wouldn't want your daughter treated as you are being treated. But I don't think you're convinced you want him back enough yet for that road home to be paved smoothly.
But I'll be praying for you to find *your* path and that you have the courage and wisdom to follow it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Not a hijack at all. I am happy for the conversation. (and avoiding both work I need to finish, dirty dishes, and most important--bedtime).
Yep, you are probably right that the way home doesn't appear totally smooth. But I have had some interesting invitations lately, so who knows. If he is not at least questioning all this-- with the $ he stands to lose, the difficulties with scheduling, etc. etc.-- then he is definitely a mess.
Dunno. This was a wacky weekend. H and I were both at a bday party for friend's son. I managed to strain my calf muscle so badly I couldn't walk and was in excruciating pain. Hard to show a PMA in that situation-- but I actually am proud of how I handled it. I tried to keep a pretty low profile, stay engaged and in good spirits as much as I could. I did ask H if he could keep our D for an extra bit that day to give me some time to rest. (Inside I was really nervous about how I'd get through the rest of that day-- and the next several days. I couldn't walk, and have never had an injury like this). And even though he saw how much pain I was in, he said he had too much work and 'errands' to do. And was very comfortable telling me what I should do.
Ok, then.
Of course, the day before, he told me of another schedule change due to his work.
I mean, seriously.
So, yeah-- I'm not totally sure I want him back. Would I be attracted to him now? I'm not sure. He was never very chivalrous, not one to hold doors open, for example. It always bugged me, made me feel unimportant. We had some big trust issues even before I got pregnant.
I take responsibility for my part- I was not as good of a partner as I should have been. I was not easy to live with. I did not do my part.
It's hard to reconcile the behavior of our WAH's (who doesn't help out the mother of their kids when she is injured?!) during this time. My H has his moments of cooky-ness but I frequently want to karate chop your husband's skull. Not that know anything about karate nor am I a typically violent person but these WAH's know how to stir something deep in us and putting myself in your shoes, I'm not sure I would have held on like you have...
However...
I must say that your tone and voice seem very strong and steady. Your advice to Maybell on her thread is so telling of where you are in your mindset while also dealing with the flat out B.S. of your husband's walk-away-ness and abandonment.
I am confounded by the prospect that being willing to do better and knowing HOW to go about it isn't enough for them to say, "hmmm, let's give it ONE more try".
My H has his moments of cooky-ness but I frequently want to karate chop your husband's skull.
You know, this is interesting. Sometimes I read these threads (not necessarily anyone that has posted on this thread, but others on the boards) and think, who on earth would want that WAS back? Good riddance! And my SIL tells me that about my H, her own brother! She says she wouldn't put up with him any longer, and believe me, he hasn't done half of what I read here. I wonder why we are so willing to put up with what seems like total cr*p to an outsider? Are we not sharing the good parts? Have we been living with the bad so long we don't see it?
RPP, probably some of it is that we're not sharing the good parts. But also, we are here to share what went wrong. We don't share the good memories. But I knew without hesitation that my H would understand how rough my weekend was, and he did. He told me about a conversation with his dad and I also knew in only a small number of words exactly how it was and why he was frustrated. (Which is good since I only ever get a small number of words).
It's probably also true that we are used to the cr*p and it doesn't seem so bad. And I know that what I've seen of other people's relationships has made me highly aware of how many different kinds of bad there are, and I'll take the known bad, thank you very much.
But at the end of the day... isn't it just true that we're emotionally invested? Many of us have kids and recognize that we'll be together even if we're not "together" for many years. We have a shared history so that certain things can not be known of us without the accompanying knowledge of the spouse? When you marry, it's a permanent part of your story.
My H is a good guy with cr@ppy relationship skills and an unreasonable sense of what life is like. He lacks awareness of his own power over his circumstances. He is also kind of lazy and the ADD thing probably is tripping him up too. Shall I trade that for a guy who is fanatical about local politics? Or an awesome lover with bipolar disorder? Or someone who is a fantastic boyfriend but turns out to be an awful stepdad? I think my H is worth the effort. But it's OK if others don't.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Rppfl, you read my mind. I came here to post something about how I feel like I have to come to my H's defense because I seem to only be noticing the negatives. And yes, I was a score-keeper, big time... mostly because I feel like I was always able to apologize and own up to mistakes, and the best he was able to muster was a grudging, "fine, you're right. Let's drop it."
(There I go again! Well, I never said I didn't still have work to do).
So... a positive: he offered to go food shopping for me yesterday(and even wrote it down), and then unpacked the stuff he bought.
