Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
labug #2488378 09/14/14 05:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
Hi Claire, I like the idea of complicating the narrative too. I hope your cold passes quickly!
Hugs, Lisa

LisaB #2488409 09/14/14 09:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Interesting day, people. Would love to hear thoughts!

So, yesterday I asked H to keep D3 a bit later than usual since I was not feeling well. He did so, without complaint (although did mention he was headed to dinner with his buddy so couldn't keep her too late). He took the car with him (we share it), and texted to ask if I would need it this morning. I wrote back that I was taking D3 for a haircut this a.m., and while I normally wouldn't mind using public transport, there is a route change due to construction, and I also wasn't feeling 100%. I said I'd prefer to have the car if possible.

We went back and forth a bit, but not angrily-- I suggested maybe he could pick us up and drop us at hair cut in the morning... but he replied it would be too early for him.

He said he'd bring the car back last night before he went out, then a minute later said, "Forget it, I won't have time. I'll be there in the morning." (I could sense he wasn't looking forward to that. He was traveling all week and LOVES to sleep a lot.) I thanked him and said I hoped he had a fun night.

Anyway, he came to pick us up this a.m., I had a chance to do a BIG 180 in the car-- I used to be a super-anxious passenger. One of his complaints was that I was always acting afraid (grabbing the door handle, not able to look at or talk to him because i kept my head down). He felt like I didn't trust him as a driver. Well, he had to stop hard to avoid running a light, and I didn't even flinch a bit. Stayed totally cool. Go me! (Thank you meds!) I think he also noticed I wasn't wearing my ring, but didn't say anything about it.

After haircut I was walking with D3 to a park nearby. I decided to try an experiment: I texted him to invite him to come.

me: "If you happen to be free, you are welcome to join us. It's a beautiful day."
H: "Going to be working all day and making some food for D3. I'm sorry. I just don't have the time."
Me: Ok, no worries.
H: "Thanks for the invite."

Clearly nothing earth shatteringly positive, but definitely not negative.

Complicating that narrative, woo hoo! And had a glorious day with D3, to boot.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2488422 09/14/14 10:06 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Things are turning very interesting, aren't they?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2488426 09/14/14 10:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Claire,

I'm a terrible passenger, too! I mean THE WORST and mostly with H! It has been a big 180 for me to control that. I literally have to say to myself in my head, "in 18 years he hasn't killed me yet". I have to mentally zone out and music helps a lot in this department. This means that I basically have no idea where I am while in car with him because I'm purposely not paying attention. It has worked so far and he has totally noticed!

It's hard, huh?! Still, it's important.

Way to go. It's not easy to do these things that really jar the person we have been for so long.

Also, way to go on the invite to the park. Send it out and forget it. Him not accepting says nothing about you.

Keep it up. You're doing really well.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Maybell #2488428 09/14/14 10:18 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Honestly, I don't actually think he is changing too much. At least not at the moment. But I decided to change MY mindset. I'm acting "as if" this is done, I've moved on from heartbreak, and he is someone I am friendly yet detached around. And you know what? In pretending that I am totally comfortable around him, and with this situation... I am becoming that way in actuality. I've got my mental health back, I'm gettin' my groove back, and as soon as I get my body back, I will be unstoppable. ;-)

He never did follow up on the invitation to "chat" recently... and I haven't obsessed over it a bit. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. If it never happens, then it never happens.

He's going to have to live with his choices. He's going to have to send me a big check every month for the next 17 years. The best revenge, so to speak, will be to make him forever question whether he truly made the right call, right?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2488488 09/15/14 01:30 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Ok, how's this for awkward moments:

WAH is at my home putting D3 to bed. Usually I go out, but not feeling well and said I hoped it would be ok if I stayed here.

D3 pulled her usual clinginess to me, rejecting H (which was always a source of frustration. I tried not to swoop in to save her, and stayed mostly firm on "mommy has work to do, daddy is giving you a bath."

Anyway, I said I would read her one short book--she requested (coincidentally??) a homemade book that my MIL made for her. MIL has made her a book like this each year-- she has three now. (filled with pictures from the past year).

I was surprised that I didn't break down while reading the first one.

D asked WAH to read the other two. The newest one is called, "When D was 2 years old". H and I were already separated at the time. I'm in one uncaptioned picture, and don't show up in any of the text." Ahem.

I wondered, as I heard my WAH reading this book to our D, what was going through his head. Here's what I was thinking: "When D was 2 years old... her daddy moved out of her home." "When D was 2 years old, he changed her life forever.

I held it together (almost live-posted, but couldn't focus enough!), but feeling a bit sad at the moment. It hurt me a lot that, just 2 months after H left, my MIL basically cut me out of the family record by not including me in this book. I got past it (at least I thought I did), by trying to empathize-- it must have been tricky for her to decide what to do -- but those things are hard to forget.

I watched the movie "Gravity" last night- and I think sometimes it feels like that. I am floating around, sometimes spinning out of control, sometimes feeling a bit more in control, calmly moving in a particular direction, and then WHAM! something sends me spinning again.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2488489 09/15/14 01:39 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
OUCH. My heart is aching just thinking about how that must feel, Claire.

The residual effects of all this B.S. is so painful and it's a reoccurring type of pain.

This holiday, make your own book entitled "mommy and me" for no other reason than to put yourself back into your D's record. It has nothing to do with MIL, her situation is her situation. Insert yourself back into the record. You CAN do this. It's more than photos, it's the action of preserving this so she knows you were part of her FUN during her younger years. It doesn't have to be a statement beyond that.

Take back that control. You deserve it.

I'm a photographer, Claire. I shoot portraits of all kinds, and I am usually hired by the mom of a family. She usually will say something like, "I just want ONE family picture to put over the fireplace or to send out on holiday cards but I don't like how I look so I'd rather have lots of pics the kids."

When I talk to the kids, they ALWAYS say, "I want a picture of just me and my mom".

Those photos are priceless to the kids - Always!

Put yourself back into the record.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2488490 09/15/14 01:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
That is a great suggestion. Thanks, Ss.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2488491 09/15/14 01:48 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
I've had those thoughts,I had to pack clothes for the kids' visit to my in-laws for the picture that will go on their Christmas card. aND they went to a theme park and had a whole series of pictures taken without me.

On the other hand, when we called my MIL for her birthday she said "remember, I've got your back," in a voice like she feared I'd keep the kids from her. The son of one of their close friends is going through an ugly divorce and his W is doing exactly that.

It gives me a stomachache to compare us to them. WE ARE NOT.

Anyway, I'm turning your good advice back to you. Instead of thinking of yourself as Sandra Bullock in the first half of the movie, think of yourself as the strong woman who gets herself home and finds hope in the future in spite of facing the brutal truth in her life.

Roar!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2488494 09/15/14 02:00 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
C
claire7 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
Great advice, thanks! (Although...on the way home, she actually says, "eeny, meeny, miney, moe" and hits some buttons written in Chinese. I mean, srsly?)


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard