Labug: I will add more details later, but just wanted to quickly say that I *want* to have a clear agreement for exactly the reason you said. But he keeps resisting ("I think we can just be flexible and mutually respectful, and work things out as they come up.")
So, he said, "what's your preference for this holiday?" I replied, "you get first preference this year". He replied, "I know but I was asking in the hopes we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement" for this particular arrangement, rather than him "dictating" what he wants this year.
In theory, it's generous and collaborative of him. And I actually don't doubt that he has noble intentions. But it's as if he has this vision of la-dee-da divorce where things magically work out easily for everyone and we just get along fabulously. He can't bear to be the bad guy. But in some ways this felt worse. "What's your preference, Claire?" (While secretly hoping my preference is what will magically work best for him too, so there will be no conflict!)
What about a response like this: Well, that is my preference, but since you are entitled to your first choice this year, here is another scenario that will work for me. And next year I will get my first choice.
Help me revise, please-- I know that is too blunt and sounds bitter but I'm tired and fighting a cold and busy at work right now.
Hi Claire - I'm not Labug - but if it were me - I would just drop the "and next year I will get my first choice" and replace it with something like "I do appreciate your efforts to be flexible - Thanks".
But it's as if he has this vision of la-dee-da divorce where things magically work out easily for everyone and we just get along fabulously. He can't bear to be the bad guy. But in some ways this felt worse.
That may be true, it may not be but continuing to believe that story already creates the backstory for an adversarial relationship. Take his offer at face value. This is DIFFICULT, no way around that. If you don't want to do a lot of negotiating this year, say that, "I appreciate your offer but because this is all so new to us, I'd like to stick to our original agreement. My only preference would be that we not have to shuttle D around too much, that she gets to enjoy her time with each family." (or, whatever. that would be my preference)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for all the feedback. I will add that to my reply.
I'll admit that part of what is getting in my way has nothing to do with him. My family can be difficult. I'm not looking forward to telling them... And some of it is because of me. I am choosing not to drive an hour with my D in rush hour traffic after a long day of work, and then either have to stay at my parent's house (undesirable outcome), or drive an hour back home at night (also undesirable).
Clearly part of what is affecting me is having to deal with the reality of this situation. In the past we would have stayed at his mom's house. I miss that, and I miss his family, very very much.
Yesterday I called my MIL with my D to wish her a happy birthday. On speakerphone she told D she, D, FIL and H will go out to dinner on Friday to celebrate her birthday. "What fun that will be, D!" I said. And now I'm crying thinking about it.
This weekend H is taking D to see group of friends and their kids-- another friend is in town. I like these people and their kids a lot. When he left me, I lost a whole extended family and social circle, too.
I'm angry and and sad about that. It makes detaching harder. All excuses, I know. But that is where I am right now.
I can understand why you'd lose (and miss) his family. I guess when there's a separation or divorce, he gets his own family in the settlement but that group of friends? He doesn't just "get them". Step in there, reach out. Keep them as your friends. Good friends, true good friends don't take sides. They like you for YOU and they like him for HIM (even though he's not really him these days). Hold them to that standard. I have. And I don't let my friends talk smack about H. I don't want to hear it and it doesn't make me feel better.
We're all adults (ok, it's debatable about H, I know). Everyone should be able to be civil to each other even if it's just for the kids. Just because they are hanging with H doesn't mean you can't be their friend. If anything, it's a great opportunity for you to show how you're doing.
When I hang out with mutual friends of ours I make sure to look great, wear something nice, speak kindly of H, talk about all the amazing things happening in my life, laugh, make jokes... it all gets back to him somehow. "Oh, Ss seems to be doing really well! She looks great and is really involved with X and Y. How are you doing, Ss-H?"
I know it's just one more thing to deal with. I'm cheering for you, Claire.
Thanks,labug! So much easier to have clarity in other peoples situations, right?
I have to keep in mind that this week, with my H out of town, D3 starting full time Pre-k, me back to work for the new school year, AND fighting a cold means that we are not sleeping well and dealing with big transitions. Affects my PMA for sure.
But work is feeling good and I'm keeping the house running, so it's ok if i am a little sad now and then. This is something to be sad about. And I can have a sad moment and move on.
But work is feeling good and I'm keeping the house running, so it's ok if i am a little sad now and then. This is something to be sad about. And I can have a sad moment and move on.
I know how very hard it is to find positives when everything seems so negative but you did it here!!!
I find that sometimes even the tiniest accomplishment, I give myself a pat on the back for. Yesterday I emptied the dishwasher after letting it sit for almost two days... I rewarded myself with an at home facial. Seriously. After emptying the dishwasher.
But I needed it. Finding motivation to keep on truckin' is hard. I find myself rewarding D7 for all kinds of great things throughout the day, why not myself?!
I actually totally agree with this method of rewarding yourself for little things. I do it all the time.. like if I have a business meeting I don't want to have, I buy myself a treat or takeout or something..
I agree "on paper" it seems a bit silly, but I think it's a good way to get us through the day. And if no one else is around to reward us, why not?
