Sorry; I forgot you had already confirmed she's still hot-and-heavy with OM. In that case, whenever she says the "we're just friends" thing, you should have put your hand up and said "Please stop it. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family." If she continues to lie, say "This conversation's over. When you're ready to talk to me from a place of truthfulness, we can talk some more. I'm going to _______ (some GAL activity)." And leave.
I don't think you can control whether or not they have an affair. I DID ultimately decide, after about 60 days of this, that I COULD control whether or not she sat there and lied to my face, and to our family. And so I made THAT my hard boundary.
I even used the "we've always taught our kids that we don't lie in our family. Even if our marriage ends, we're still going to have to co-parent effectively, and I'm not going to try to raise a family with you built on a foundation of deceit. You need to tell them the truth about your affair" card.
Bart, you will learn believe nothing what she says. These vets like starsky and Mr bond are spot on. Follow there advice and keep your self strong. Don't show weekness, no begging, crying, it won't work. We have all been there, it's hard but don't give in your w is acting like a teenager. Hang tuff.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Thanks, igit. This week and last I'm through the crying/moping/not eating/pleading bit- I've found a lot of strength here, and even though I know its going to be a rollercoaster, I feel good about my prospects for keeping this up. Took my S and his friend to a pro football game last Sunday (W not invited), have signed up for a SCUBA class for next week and will get some golf instruction the week after that so I'm working on the GAL thing, too.
Feel like the W is in complete denial, though- gave the "I refuse to work on the marriage while A continues" speech yesterday only today to get a phone call while W was running errands to "check in and say hi" and to ask whether we wanted to do dinner tonight or tomorrow night together. As in she is presuming we are doing a dinner together this week because we've been doing date night dinners for a few months now. WTF? I hedged with "we'll see what the kids schedules are and figure out the family dinner plans" but I really don't know how to handle this one- I want to be happy and outgoing and not sulk, but I know "date nights" are a no-no at this stage. Perhaps I will try to deflect this into "we can grab dinner, sure" and not acknowledge a "date night" part of it- I'm worried if I flat out say "no date nights because I told you I am not working on this marriage while the A continues" we are just going to have a sulking evening at home where we avoid each other. I'm thinking that doing dinner but avoiding any R talk may be my best bet. I've got a few hours to figure this one out though.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
No she can have dinner at home and sulk, YOU have made plans for dinner (even if it's with take out in your car)
If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck it's still a duck even if you call it a fish......
Just because you don't call something date night doesn't mean it changes the meaning at all.
Maybe tell her "I am sorry but while your still in contact with OM I will be making my own plans for dinner out" and then leave.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks, both- I need to get a backbone! Just soo many months of conflict over the A (that clearly did no good) that now its hard for me to do anything that will cause more conflict now that we are at least "getting along." I got realize "getting along" is just me agreeing to her game of cake eating and toughen up!
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
So thanks to the forum, I called a friend and for drinks after work, which led nicely to dinner with his wife at a local restaurant. Picked up S-14 from his activity, rolled home and into a DVR'ed football game. W asking questions about my activities and whereabouts. Better than any so called "date night"!
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
