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I have had some pretty crappy stuff happen in my life
Yet every day I choose to find a reason to laugh. I find a reason to feel blessed; a reason to appreciate what life has to offer.

You can choose to look at the bad side of stuff or the good side. You can choose to see all the good things in your life or all the bad things.

Your choice.

The way I figure it is this. All that stuff in my life that isnt good, is going to be there either way. I can add to the misery or find a way around it. I can let it get to me or rise above it.

I know that if I allow it to change me. If I allow it to beat me, I lose me. And that is not an option.

I can live in the past. I can feel sorry for myself. I can
blame other people.

But that gives the power to someone else, something else.
I am unwilling to do that.

I get to choose my life, my heart, my thoughts, my happiness. Each and every time, I choose me.

The choices we make, the stands we take, the lives we touch and love, all matter. It all matters.

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I get how you are feeling and thinking because I felt and thought the same things.

I thought if I could keep telling him I want him and I want to work on our marriage enough times, that this day would be the one when he would say, Ok, Ur, I feel the same way.

Until it didnt happen.

The thing of it is this. There are reasons why your spouse feels the way he or she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are their feelings so they are valid to them.

When you keep telling him the things you do, you are invalidating his feelings. You are telling him, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.

I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.

When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.

When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space. You heard them.

You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.

When they have time to think and they feel heard and they see changes, it gives the best opportunity for them to look towards you.

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When all this happened, I remember thinking, my life, my past, my future, was torn away.

I thought, there is no way I can survive this. I will never feel happiness again.

I went through the stages of grief - disbelief, anger, sadness, etc. And some other stages, too. Feeling rejected, resentful, and betrayed.

I allowed myself to feel them all. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But I felt stuck.

So, I started to think about my friend whose young child had brain cancer. I thought about the atrocities that people suffer around the world. I realized I can survive this. I can. I have to. There is no choice. I had a son who depended on me; who was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life.

What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?

Deep down, I knew I would survive. I had survived a great many really difficult things. But, I wanted to be able to do more than just survive all this.

So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it.

Because I knew if I continued to hang onto it, it would stop me from moving forward.

I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at the ow, at MLC. That was ok, for a time. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.

The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That was just giving them control over me.

I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away?

I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.

I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.

I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in and that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it all. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it.

When I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.

If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you are on your way.

I think it is important to know that your spouse shouldnt complete your life. They shouldnt be responsible for your happiness. What a terrible burden to put on anyone.

They should enhance your life.

I remembered that there were days when I was angry, sad, disappointed and upset in my marriage. I think everyone can admit to that.

And so, there are days that are like that in my life. But there are days of great joy and happiness.

Life is about growth and change. It's about accepting its rewards as well as its challenges. It is about having hope and understanding that we really do not know how its going to turn out. And that's ok because we can survive and thrive.. We can feel love and sadness, happiness and hurt. Its all a part of it.

But what we shouldnt ever do is accept that we are not worthy of experiencing it all.

No matter how your sitch turns out, whether you reconcile or not, celebrate the fact that you have survived, you have grown and you have lived your life in the best way you know how.

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This is gold.

While I am sorry for the painful experiences you had to live to become this wise, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to learn from you, these invaluable lessons. I see exactly why we click.

I'm at the head of the class, sitting up straight, and paying attention.. I'll probably raise my hand a lot....but I'm studying hard.

uR, thank you.

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Thank you for your kind words, Shining. You know, I have had some things going on in my life and had taken a break from the boards.

But something had told me to come look. When I did, I was drawn to your posts.

You are right, we have clicked. I see a lot of me in you. Your stubbornness and your ability to laugh at yourself and some other things.

It happens on here from time to time where there is a connection. Those people have become very dear friends of mine.

You are going to be just fine, S.

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I used to write to people here and say I cant wait until they get to the good part. To which they would answer, "Um, UR, are you crazy?"

Dont get me wrong, I wish I hadnt had to go through all this. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. But I dont think that the lessons I've learned or the changes I've made would have been possible without this journey.

The most important thing to remember is that you will be ok. Carry that with you. When things get tough or you want to quit, pull it out because you will be.

This MLC monster is only as powerful as we allow it to be. I used to envision it as this big red ball that I carried around. After awhile, it got really heavy. It wasnt even my ball. It was his. So, why the heck was I carrying it? That's when I threw it back to him.

I needed to pick up my own ball. I chose a pretty lavender one with flowers on it. I filled it with all the things I wanted to do and all the changes I wanted to make. It was a bit heavy, too, because it was also filled with all the stuff I needed to sort through.

But each time I did, it became lighter. Every day that I got through, it became lighter. So that all that was left was all the good stuff.

Dont make that big red ball any heavier than it already is. Throw it back to him. Let him carry it.

You pick up yours.



Last edited by uRworthy; 09/08/14 08:25 PM.
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^^^Love this, uRworthy. I feel like I just did exactly that. I threw it back to him - and he is carrying it. I've been carrying mine since BD. Every day it gets easier. Thanks.


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Yeah... I'm going to throw mine back, too.

My H could actually use a "pair." whistle

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What an awesome analogy uRworthy- and one that really speaks to the "fixer" in me.
I'm a visual person so seeing that in my mind's eye when I want to take on and fix his chit will help.

Thanks- you really have some great advice!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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hey hi-

Nice to "hear your voice" this morning. i REad thru your posts- i am sitting here - totally understanding it all, shaking my head yes, feeling it. you sure are a smarty pants - it is allll sooooo as you say. i CAN remember thinking i'll never ever make it thru this- i'll never feel happy again, blah blah blah.

it's been 3 or 4 yrs dbing- alot longer being unhappy and not "knowing" wtf going on. i am still ali ve, feel creative sometimes ( yay), feel "normal" sometimes, did my job for my mom - huge accomplishment DONE - JUST Feel tired and kind of "over" it all mostly. it truly is out of my hands - all of it- h, his stupid mlc, stupid ole ow - stupid ole sisters, everyone alive's big ole attitudes.

im grateful to be healthy & safe (in america) and (so far) solvent & taken care of. i cannot see the future- i don't even care to try anymore (that's good rite?) it's an open ended thing- anything truly can happen in life and i truly have no big ole road map. I'd happily settle for absence of trouble- (i know- tall order huh?) but i have no giant requirements to make me happy.

the "how could he-s" and "why..." etc. omg - i can't even force my brain to go back there. it all doesn't matter any more. some days hard to believe it (the treason) - i suppose it's like physical violence- the insanity of thinking someone you love and loves(d) you could inflict it- and that it didn't change that or mean that. i am sooo sorry for everyone alive getting mixed messages. i wonder about kids with alcoholic parents or violent parents - getting the mixed messages. it could ruin you ... Even the impatience and playing second fiddle to a stupid cell phone- how they must feel always to be less interesting than a stupid phone call.

no wonder the kids at school are soooo needy and crazy.

i realize how lucky and fortunate i am in life - even with this giant mess of a mlc crashing my entire life & heart into the ground. i am surviving tho- i have no idea what is going on inside of me or h. i don't even care most days- too much energy required to worry or figure. i may be CURED OF that. no kidding.

I worked last five days- it felt good. I am ditched this a.m.- mixed feelings.

i was at the highschool , I would not have minded "going to work" - the kids are soooo , uh hem, interesting. half the time i am amazed at their audacity and inability to even grasp the concept of "me adult- you kid - ever hear of respect for authority? i kind of feel sorry they are sooooo clueless i wonder how they'll manage in life in the real world? i like them in a wierd (masochistic) way.

it's such a challenge - getting thru the day- not pandering to them - not bashing them over the head with a plank (which alot need quite badly).

i wonder how the heck they will grow into normal people - but then, it's nice to feel like a "day off" - you know me and my constant insane "twirl" of trying to make order of my stupid house. (life) tho, i 'm sitting here cruising aroudn in this forum- not killing self to get going. I do see that my rabid neeeeed to "dump the junk" cluttering me up and "stopping" me daily - probably is one giant metaphor for me getting rid of the "insanity" load in my life. I'm not even going to bo ther trying to flesh that out- just fondly pat self on head and say - do your best today and go paint something for a bit before "getting to work".

It's better - no kidding. some days i even think i've finally just "given up" trying - I am pretty much a good egg- and who ever's got a problem with me- well, it's t heir problem.

oh well- lost 3.5 lb and happy about that. pants less tight so yay - i'm o utta here. glad you're there- voice of reason & hope.

i feel optimistic really (it's slight- but there) about life and future - i'll take it. unknown- but not scary.

xxoo.

I AM HERE TO SAY THO, THAT

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