This is Bob-Still hanging on

[Hope414]

Bob our last conversation was wiped out during the system update.

Did you read my post?

[Bob1967]

I read your last post.

I do think I understand relationships and I think the problem is my wife and I do not mix. I think it is time to let go.

I have met someone and I think I will pursue this other relationship.

I do not think I will be posting any longer.

[MrBond]

Since you're leaving, let me leave you a little bit of advice.

"I do think I understand relationships"

Um, no you don't.

" and I think the problem is my wife and I do not mix. I think it is time to let go."

That is a joke. There is no such thing as people not "mixing". It comes down to the individual. You spent more time arguing against the advice given to you rather than just following through. You preferred to blame it all on your W and not yourself.

:I have met someone and I think I will pursue this other relationship."

So the truth comes out. You never really wanted to save your M. You just wanted to put on a half hearted attempt to show that you "tried" to save your M. And now that you feel that you've "tried" (even though you haven't done anything) you can now carry on your affair with a clear conscience.

"I do not think I will be posting any longer."

To be clear, many of the LBS find someone during their fight for their M. They feel that this new person is perfect, etc. and yet they don't do any work on themselves. Problem is that because you haven't fixed any of your own issues (which you keep saying you don't have), you will find yourself in the same situation and you'll be back here again.

Pity. I feel sorry for all of us who wasted our time trying to help you when we could have spent it helping someone who really needed it and not just someone looking at having an affair.

[MrBond]

And to think you just posted this a couple of weeks ago.

"I appreciate the advice people have given but I realize I don't have the right tools in my toolbox. I don't know what kind of tools to put in my toolbox. And, in all honesty, I've always been hopeless when using tools."

Doesn't sound like someone who understand relationships.

[Hope414]

I’m going to add my two cents as well. I have said this before. Bob, if I didn’t know any better I would swear you are a teenager or that we are being punked on this message board.


I find it remarkable that a grown man, who was in a good marriage for 9 years would be this ignorant about relationships. Especially when he entered the marriage in a rationale, leveled headed manner—having gone through extensive marriage counseling with the Catholic Church. And—entered the marriage with reasonable expectations with a partner who appears to be well adjusted and completely committed to the marriage.


Your only issue was your wife yells. Yet we have watched how you handle your marriage. You work very hard to get a visceral reaction from your wife. She fears abandonment so you abandon her in an extremely cruel manner. You cut off all communication (because she yells) you hire attorneys to file divorce papers without telling her, and reject all communication until she agrees to do give you everything you want.


Once she agrees to all your terms, you move home and become even more obnoxious. You move into the basement and lock the basement door because you are “so terrified of her.” Even though you admit she only visits the basement twice during the entire year you live in the house.


How disappointment you must have been when you realized she wasn’t walking down the basement steps to find a cringing Bob hiding behind a locked door!


I can’t imagine what living with you was like during that year but I think most of us have a pretty good idea. You were locking the basement door when she wasn’t even walking down the stairs. What type of signals do you think you were putting out to her every single day?


So you had to punish her for not walking down those stairs, right? The best way to punish your wife is to refuse to commit to the marriage, isn’t it?


You are a child who likes to poke the other kids until they react. And you kept poking her until you get a reaction. I bet she had a strong reaction when you refused to commit. I’m sure it triggered every insecurity button she had…which probably is why she yelled.


In one post you said she called silence your “weapon of choice” so what was your 180? You remain silent. Your only contacted her to send legal documents which was a pretty passive/aggressive reminder that you are abandoning the relationship. Bravo! It was a wonderful technique to trigger a person’s abandonment issues.



You said you didn’t think long-term about what it meant to file for a divorce. You saw a divorce as a way to stop her yelling. Once she stopped yelling then you could go back to being happy.


You selfish, selfish man.


Yes Bob, once she stopped yelling YOU could go back to being happy…but the issues upsetting her would still be there. But you didn’t care about this. Your concern was about the yelling. Her reaction---not the cause.


This is how immature people handle relationships. It’s all about ME. What are YOU doing that is making ME unhappy? And why won’t YOU stop it?


Your posts are full of apologizes.


“I am so sorry that I let her down. I am no better than the other people in her life. I just do not want to hurt her anymore.”


“I have not learned to be the husband she needed me to be and I am afraid I never will.”


Not one post had a solution.


Anyone can apologize. An apology takes no great skill or effort. It doesn’t take sincerity or an understanding of what you did wrong. An apology is not action. It is merely words.


The reason an apology is meaningful is because we expect an apology to be coupled with introspection that we understand the behavior or act for which we are apologizing for was wrong. We are sorry we hurt the person by the behavior or actions and are willing to take steps to correct the behavior or act so it doesn’t occur again. We want to learn affirming behaviors and actions so we never do the thing for which we are apologizing for.


But most of all, we want them to know we never want to hurt them again. We apologize because we want them to understand hurting them is unacceptable to us. It is a boundary we never want to cross. We never want to hurt them.


This is why an apology is meaningful.


You apologize as if the words in the apology are what is important. As if no action needs to be taken on your part. As if she needs to understand that BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD the apology must be accepted. It’s all about you.


Your apologies have not been meaningful. They have been self serving.


If resolution had been your goal and not “winning” like Charlie Sheen you would have stopped using silence as a weapon, fully committed to the marriage, and recognized how cruel you have been since June 2013. Then you would have begun to genuinely apologize to your wife for how cruel you have been.


She had every right to become outraged when you began threatening divorce. You were breaking your marriage covenant. I don’t care you came from a family that didn’t yell. I wonder if they would have yelled if your dad decided to divorce your mom because she lost her temper? Or if your mom divorced your dad if he had an affair?

People change their behavior when their way of life and/or security is threatened so stop acting so high and mighty. You threatened your wife’s security. How did you think she would react?