Bob you are very frustrating. We are not trying to trick you we are trying to help you.
Do you realize you have something everyone on this forum wants? You have a W who doesn't believe in D. I encourage you to read other posts to recognize the value of this gift.
If your W doesn't believe in D and you don't want a D...then who is putting these thoughts in your head? Again, I ask: Do you have a support group who is "cheering" on a D?
If they are--You have a very destructive support group. Get away from them and find a support group that believes in saving your marriage. If you do not want a D you need to stop your destructive behavior. You do not have a WAW situation. I beg you to read your earlier posts.
I fully accept yelling hurts your feelings. No one enjoys being on the receiving end of a screamer. But I fear you believe screaming and physical violence is only one way to abuse a person.
I wish I could help you recognize the emotional devastation you caused your W. I wish I could help you recognize the emotional devastation you allowed others to cause your W. I wish I could help you see the woman you have shown me through your posts.
She doesn't seem abusive. This woman seems ethical, loyal, spiritual, and very committed to her marriage. She also seems hurt, bewildered, angry and disheartened.
I tell everyone my wife has a heart of gold. She is very kind.
She is not abusive all the time. Only when she is angry. This is when she screams and calls me names. When she does this I get very hurt and go into my shell.
I know I shouldn't hold on to the pain but I do.
I know I cause her pain but I can't see her pain over my pain. I want her to understand my pain. Acknowledging my pain is not enough because she doesn't stop her behavior. She may not be yelling today but she will eventually yell at me and this will start my pain clock again.
I get frustrated with her and then I get frustrated with myself. Once she yells at me it's like, “See there it is!” But when she says “Yes I see it.” I say “No you really don’t see it.”
I have done a bad job realizing how frustrating this is for her. I even recognize I am wrapped up in the pain. But I cannot explain how overwhelming it is in my world. I think sometimes I can step out of myself a little and be rational but then it consumes everything again.
When I talk about the possibility of divorce no one suggests reconciliation or counseling.
This is something that hurt my wife deeply after I moved back home last year.
She felt she was shunned by my friends and family after we reconciled when she should have been embraced for how she fought for our marriage.
You lack introspection, Bob. You seem to accept your behavior as absolute and seem to believe everyone else should also. I do not accept your conduct as absolute.
I’m not sure if you are extremely troubled or self-centered. But I am certain you are extremely immature.
You don’t understand your role in the M and appear to want someone to discipline your W for misbehaving. This would account for multiple failed attempts at MC. You liked it when the one MC identified her with borderline personality but became agitated when the MC recanted and apologized for the misdiagnosis.
You refused to accept your W was not mentally ill. This is odd behavior. Most people would be relieved to learn their loved one had been misdiagnosed with a personality disorder. Who wants someone they love to have a personality disorder? Wouldn’t you prefer someone you love to..just… be…angry?
Is the emotion of anger so terrible that you prefer a personality disorder over it? If so, what does this say about you? Keep in mind…anger can always be resolved. I must go back to your childhood. Your behavior indicates an extremely dysfunctional upbringing. Even couples with terrible dynamics don’t wish personality disorders on each other.
You have done things to make your W justifiably angry. You do not seem to understand this. You have said her issue is abandonment. You also say she has deep religious convictions against D.
In June 2013 you abandoned your M in an extremely cold and cruel manner. You emptied your arsenal on your W in a very short period of time.
You filed for D. You garnered support of friends and family behind her back. When you moved home you weren’t loving to her. Instead you forced her to sign a document agreeing to give you a D if she didn’t behave. You refused to make love to her. You refused to discuss the relationship with her. You refused to commit to the M.
I think her anger is completely normal under the circumstances. You engaged in very cruel behavior toward her. I would have been surprised if she wasn’t outraged by your behavior.
Mr. Bond I think this is where the disconnect is with Bob.
I don't think he understands divorce is final. I think he believe divorce is a solution to his problem. That once he is divorced he can start a "new relationship." One where they don't yell anymore.
