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Wet #2509078 11/20/14 02:38 AM
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Thx Wet. I know, it's not very 'DB' of me, but perhaps I truly have finally had enough. The next few weeks will reveal much...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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I'm so sorry to hear that your H didn't tell you about filing. Mine didn't either, even when given the opportunity to do so days afterwards. So cowardly.

How will this affect your mediation agreement? Will it just formalize it and dissolve the M? Sorry, I have no idea how that sort of thing works.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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job Offline
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I'm inclined to advise you not to tell your h you know about the filing. I think I would just wait a bit and see if he has the nerve to tell you. I would go ahead and meet w/the lawyer/financial individual next week and once that's done and you have your information as to what to expect, etc., then I would sit back until after Thanksgiving before making any decisions as to whether or not to tell him.

As for the divorce chasing lawyer...that's the first I've heard of this behavior and it's terrible to do things like this because of the emotional states of the people involved.

I got my paperwork in the mail a week before Christmas. My xh's lawyer sent me the documents and the envelope had about 20 one cent stamps pasted on the front of the envelope. She didn't even send the info or a copy to my lawyer. I gave him the info and he called her on it. But, bottom line, I knew he would be that he would do something like that around the holidays. That was just the way he was after entering mlc. I do think he was hoping I'd get it a day or so before Christmas, but it didn't work out. I kept the info to myself and sure enough he emailed me to ask me some silly question and I never told him about it. He found out about it when his lawyer got chewed out about the way she handled the situation.

These crisis people tend to do their nasty deeds around holiday and special events such as birthdays or anniversaries because they are miserable and they want us to be as well. In fact, it's their way of making a memory for us that we will never forget I would hate to be in their shoes and live their miserable lives.

Please do not allow the way that this filing was handled to deter you from what you need to do. Yes, it was sleazy, but in a way, maybe it was a good thing because you got a heads up from an unknown source.

I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2509367 11/20/14 09:49 PM
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Thanks fthnluv. The mediation agreement was just spelling out that we intended to use that mediator, we both intend to cooperate, etc. No specifics in it, just a 'getting started' agreement. I don't think he has done anything with that yet at all.

And thanks, Job, I planned not to say a word. I'm waiting to see how long it takes for him to bring it up. He was just here, prepping the snow blower, and already left...not a word about it, and not much conversation at all between us. Typical. I'm not going to say anything yet, at least not until after I've met with financial person and attorney.

It's really weird how I keep finding out in strange ways what he is doing, and know things before he even knows that I know them! I do believe there is some perhaps divine intervention going on here, like I'm getting intel, warnings to prepare me. Has happened quite a few times in my sitch. So odd...

I sent that letter right back to that divorce-chasing attorney with my comments on it. I hope HE actually sees it, and not just whoever is opening the mail at the office.

I am doing well today. I think this - anything - is better than the endless limbo. I have a life to live, after all. Was just reading about Diane Sawyer's husband who just passed away. He met Diane when he was 54. He said, "Life began at 54." Yeah, that's somethin'. :-)


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
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Keep positive stay strong.
Make some GALs for the Holiday's


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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Originally Posted By: LiveNow
Thanks fthnluv. The mediation agreement was just spelling out that we intended to use that mediator, we both intend to cooperate, etc. No specifics in it, just a 'getting started' agreement. I don't think he has done anything with that yet at all.

Ah, got it. I hope it goes smoothly for you. I've done next to nothing in my D that H filed and it's already cost me $1300! So darn expensive for something I don't even want!

Originally Posted By: LiveNow
Was just reading about Diane Sawyer's husband who just passed away. He met Diane when he was 54. He said, "Life began at 54." Yeah, that's somethin'. :-)

I read this comment you wrote earlier before I had a chance to sit down and respond and it's gone through my head a bunch of times this afternoon. So cool. Apparently there is life after 40 (or 50, 60, 70...) yay for us!

Oh, and I totally believe you are finding things out ahead of time for a reason. Maybe to better prepare you, maybe to make you have a little more control of this out of control situation with our MLC H's but either way I think God is helping you out there in some way. Glad you are doing better today. I agree, the limbo is no good.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Yes, God is definitely pulling some strings up there, without a doubt, to slowly reveal things to me, warning me beforehand that they're coming! I've discovered he also has a sense of humor!

H e-mails yesterday, 1 week after he filed (and still thought i didn't know), and asks where should his attorney 'send the summons', to my attorney or to the house? Before he asks that, he goes into a lengthy thing about how to use the snowblower (uh, I used it LAST year, AND I have the documentation!). And, he is going to our vacation home to close it up for the winter this weekend - do I want him to bring anything home? And then 'oh, BTW, where to send the freakin' 'summons'? Says he 'wanted to talk in person' (I was AT home that very afternoon, while he was here prepping the snowblower) but 'wasn't sure if I wanted to.' OMG -- I can't take the mr. nice guy ANY MORE. I think this is because it would be SO much easier to walk away from him if he were being mean. I answered the email with "Thanks. Just have it sent to the house."

Took the day off today and got all my paperwork and copies together for the financial person on Tuesday. Feeling better about it all. MY ducks are in a row -- his are still flappin and floppin all over the place with no sense of order. And the more I looked at the numbers today, the more I think he isn't going to be able to afford to buy me out of this house! That would mean we would have to sell it, but really, we'd make more money probably by doing that. People would start a bidding war over it. It's only 2 years old, only 1850 sq. ft., on a fantastic city lot, and it's so dang cool -- because WE designed it. There would be a line at the door. So, hey, I am open to that...gimme the cash...I'll find my own dang house! (but, alas, it won't be as nice as this one)


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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And thanks for the good wishes 2BHappy. I'm GAL'ing my butt off. Another 'meetup' tomorrow afternoon, lunch with friend on Sunday. Dinner tonight with another good friend. Fillin' up the calendar. I know, with Thanksgiving coming and all, I may have had a really crappy 1.5 years, but I still have a LOT to be thankful for. Including all y'all! :-)


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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LiveNow- You are my hero! I am just zigging and zagging. One day I am GALing and the next I am scared to leave the house. Your upbeat attitude is showing me with time and patience I can get to a place where the GAL is strong and the possibility of a life without H is not so terrifying.

Hope your December is full of fun.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Sorry -- this is LONG.

Ok, wow, been a LONG time since I posted (almost 2 months!). A LOT has happened. The good: I am GAL'ing a lot -- so much so that I'm starting to think I need to cut back! And, here is the best part: I'm actually starting to ENJOY it. By nature, I am quite an introvert. Got VERY out of practice in meeting new people, trying new things. But I think I have it down pat now. Joined 3 Meetups - what a great way to get out and meet people with your same interests - signed up for a communication class, starting mentoring (my mentee is a wonderful 15-year-old girl), going to yoga, running, and I fired my counselor - looking for a new one. And all this happened in the last couple of months! Yay, me. Whew. Boy, was I glad to see 2014 go. Never want to have another year like that one, nor 2013.

18 months past BD, and I am finally, finally starting to feel like myself again. This 'self' is the self I remember from before I met H, over 23 years ago. A strong, independent, resourceful person, able to handle crap on her own, whatever it is.

That being said, here is the bad: H filed in mid-November, and we are now just past the 60-day waiting period in my state (if there are no kids), so the D can be finalized anytime. We had one mediation meeting, yesterday afternoon, and H seems h3ll-bent on getting this completed by Jan. 26th, court date for settlement conference, about 10 days away. (BTW, resourceful friend found court records of OW filing this past September, with final court dates in March and April of this year.)

A very interesting mediation meeting. He mentioned mediation in August 2013 - yes 2013 - and I've been dreading actually having a conversation about how to divide our assets ever since. Well, I was very prepared for this meeting, mentally/emotionally and with all necessary figures and papers in hand (thanks, Nitty - I struck a couple of 'power poses' too, beforehand!), and he was just about as UNprepared as he could possibly be -- this after 18 months of saying he wanted a D. W-T-F. I have just one word for this: FOG. He is still deep in it, and convinced that D is the key to his happiness. After 18 months, he hadn't even sat down and done ANY of the math required to figure out whether he could actually afford to do what he wanted (buy me out of the house, NOT pay any spousal support or split his pension, keep a piece of vacant property). It became very clear in the mediation that we likely have to sell everything in order to split everything 50-50.

The ugly: I came to that meeting with a comprehensive financial report with everything in it, and a pad of paper, and a pen, and he came with NOTHING. He had a huge long list of things he needed to do as a result of the meeting, according to the mediator, and he didn't write down a single thing. This is a smart man, who (normally) has alot of common sense too. I was flabbergasted. But, maybe I should not have been. MLC still in full force without a doubt. And I give him several chances to bring up his pension, but he didn't, so I had to. But, he wasn't even upset about it. I think he is carrying around a tremendous amount of guilt, and is in a frame of mind where he is willing to give me whatever I'm asking just to end this. Ok then -- I'll TAKE IT.

Anyway, now that the elephant in the room has been acknowledged, I think we can figure everything out the rest of the way without the mediator. But I think the mediator HAD to be the one to explain it to H that he can't possibly afford everything he wants out of this. He would never have listened to ME say it. Ah - validation. It was worth the $400 for the 2 lousy hours of mediation. Whatevs.

So, moral of the story is: I HAD to let it happen, finally. I had no other choice. I do believe he will see someday that it wasn't me 'making him unhappy' -- only himself. He created his own life, he made this mess for himself. When he left the meeting yesterday, he looked terrible - sad and utterly 'defeated.' I felt SORRY for him. I did not feel good about how it went because it does not make me feel good taking money from him - because I can take care of mySELF, dangit - but I did what I had to do. I am asking only for that which I am entitled to by law. That's it. I could take much more if I wanted to! But I'm not. I was proud of myself for getting through it without falling apart, though.

More good: he IS finally seeing a counselor, weekly. Thank God. I have the paperwork to prove it. He's a Christian counselor and H actually said he likes him - imagine that. I truly hope this person helps him. I do. It's too late for us, but not for him alone. Thing is, H filed for D the DAY BEFORE he began seeing the counselor. I believe he thought the counselor was going to try and convince him to stay in the marriage. Again, whatevs.

I will do what I have to do, and only that. I'm making him do all the rest of the work for the D. I am cooperating, but that's it. It's all I can do. It's enough. I've had enough, and it's time for ME to move on now. He 'moved on' over a year ago. Not saying that I would NEVER go back (he'd literally have to grovel and beg, etc., etc. - and even then I have no idea whether I'd be able to take him back, maybe not). Never say never. But for now, I'm planning my own future. That's the way it has to be. I don't see hiding out and giving up on my life as an option. My 'survival instinct' kicked in the minute the bomb dropped. The hard work has finally begun to pay off.

Here's hoping all of you struggling to find your footing - and scared to just 'let it happen' - will find the courage to let go, and leave them to their journey. A VERY hard thing to do - and some days I backtrack - but we must do it.

Been following many of you, and learning much from you all, especially Mighty, Matt, Cali, Gwen, LT, Goat Gal, and others. Will make some time in between GAL'ing to post soon! By the way, where the heck IS our Goat Gal these days anyway???


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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