MLC? Let it Be.

[job]

Your response is very good and it's neutral enough not to send flaming arrows at his back.

I agree, your lawyer needs to review this and you are entitled to half his retirement and I would go for it. You may want to discuss w/your lawyer how to handle this. Some want their share at the time of the divorce, which means your h would need to take out a loan to pay you off. Others have stipulated in the divorce decree that you are to be paid either in lump sum or monthly upon his retirement.

As for the spousal support, again, don't let your h off...it's more than fair to receive what you are entitled to after 21 years of marriage.

Be prepared for him to get ugly once he discovers that your lawyer has reviewed the document and changes have been made. Right now, he thinks he's got you in his hip pocket. Won't he be the surprised little fool.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi LN,

I notice your signature list 21 years married with no kids. Did you stay at home for those 21years and take care of the house? Did you work outside of the home? Do you have your own retirement plan? The reason I am asking is if you stayed home the whole time and took care of the house then yes you should get spousal support and half his retirement. If not, then you really need a lawyer or mediator to tell you what you can expect. Laws in most states have changed and spouses are no longer guaranteed spousal support. What the court may do is try and equalize things. If you already have a career then spousal support may be limited and also limited to length of time you get it.

[job]

I agree w/Life Twists on the spousal support. If you've worked outside the home the entire 21 years, you may not be able to get spousal support, depending upon the state you live in.

As for the retirement, if you worked outside the home and have a retirement plan, you will need to figure out if it's worth going after your share (if he made more than you did). He may very well opt to tag on to your retirement if it's more than his or he could very well do what my xh did. For example, in my case, I made more money, but my xh opted to keep his retirement and I would keep mind. Now, when it comes to social security benefits, when I get to that ripe old age of 65, I will apply for whatever portion that I am eligible to receive as an xw for the amount of time that I was married and he worked in the private sector and paid in to social security during the marriage. How can I do this? I will be a retired Federal employee and my pension will come from what I paid into Civil Service and it's considered separate from social security.

Again, these are questions/issues that you need to discuss w/your lawyer. Jot down your questions and be prepared to ask them in order to make a good decision.

BTW, my earlier comments were based on the fact that if you didn't work. If you worked during that time, it may change a lot of what you are thinking of requesting.

[LiveNow]

Thanks LT and Job. I worked the entire time we were married and still work now full-time. Today, he makes almost twice what I make, and this has been the case for probably 10 years now. My attorney has indicated I would be eligible for spousal support, for at least 5 years. May or may not be worth fighting for, considering attorney fees. Thanks for the feedback - looks like it's time to get busy cleaning up this mess. Am sad, but I know I have done everything I could to save my marriage. I only hope to continue conducting myself with grace and strength. Difficult for me to keep being nice, now that it has come to this.

[Lifes Twists]

Given the circumstances of his PA and leaving you, I would not hesitate to go for the spousal support. You could use it as leverage in mediation. Maybe not go for the full equal split but something slightly less. It will be pointed out that it will cost money if it goes to ligation and you most likely will get it if your lawyer indicates 5 years. I would maybe suggest a 55 - 45 % split of combined income and drop back to 60 - 40 if he is making twice as much as you. If he is smart he will take it to not loose all the money to lawyers while still loosing in the end.

[LiveNow]

Thanks LT. Good to know. So new to all of this! Yes, I had a year and 5 months to prepare, but hoped I didn't have to. I keep looking at my new reminder, on my arm, where I can see it: "Let it be"...

[fthnluv]

LiveNow. Catching up on your sitch. You are right, we are in similar positions and timelines. I hate dealing with the financial stuff because it feels like another step towards a D that I don't want. But, as I have come to realize and I am beginning to accept, this is the path that is now in front of us and we must walk it so let's do it in the way that is best for us in the end.

Love your tattoo. I've never wanted one until recently, but U haven't decided what. I love your idea and I might just steal it if you let me...

[LiveNow]

Oh, heck, I got my tattoo idea online. Found a photo of it, so I'm not the first one to get it, and certainly not the last. It's short and sweet - and it's a great reminder. Go for it!

[LiveNow]

Well, the other shoe has FINALLY dropped. H filed for D last Thursday, the 13th. Here's how I found out: I got a letter in the mail today from some local attorney (not mine and not his), who keeps an eye on court records, and sends these letters out to involved parties to try and get new business. I am going to write this attorney a letter detailing how despicable that practice is, and that these are REAL PEOPLE involved, some with broken hearts -- not just freakin' dollar signs. OMG - I was livid, not just with H for filing but (1) because he did not tell me and (2) I found out from some sleazy divorce attorney. Sick. The whole thing. And it is FAR too easy to get a D, at least in my state. I had already made an appointment with a certified divorce financial planner - next Tuesday. Good thing. I'll need her.

So here I am, almost 1.5 years after BD. Strangely, I am relieved. I have to say, I absolutely felt it was coming to a head, and very soon. Found out recently OW has filed (a couple of months ago it appears). And the way I've been feeling...like I just couldn't DO this anymore. Hanging by a thread. I'm really not even sure if I still really do love him anymore. You know why? Cause I don't know who he is anymore. At all. And he doesn't know who I am anymore. I am watching my recently divorced friends move on and start to date. Have felt like I want to move beyond all this too and start MY life.

Wait til I tell him how I found this out. Think he'll even feel bad? Probably not. Let's see how long it takes to get 'served.'

I did get a clean bill of health recently, thank God (just several routine annual checkups), so I'm ready to take this all on now. BRING IT, H. Let's DO this.

God grant me the serenity...etc., etc....

[Wet]

I'm sorry LiveNow, especially about the way that you found out. It looks like you have a great attitude for dealing with this last stretch. The way that you wrote "Bring it", makes me a little scared. :-)