So, it's been a while, and I thought I would journal about what's been happening, which is, NOTHING. <heavy sigh> It's been almost a month now since I signed the mediation agreement and told H I wouldn't stand in the way of his happiness, and if a D is what would make him happy, I won't stand in his way. As far as I can tell, he has not turned it in (no withdrawal for the retainer), nor has he mentioned anything more about D. He was also supposed to put our vacation home up for sale. Said he had the paperwork for that for me to sign 10 days ago, but I haven't seen that yet either. (He was at the house here today, while I was out, but did not drop it off.)
I have not seen him in about 10 days now, so I have not mentioned the counselor someone had recommended.
I get occasional e-mails from him, very formal and businesslike, and the last two informed me (1) he purchased lawn/fall cleanup supplies for the yard, and (2) his best friend's father's health is failing. That's it. There are no 'feeling' words attached to this 2nd one, only facts. I don't quite know what to do with it, how to respond. Have to mull that one over.
Anyway, I guess I am still standing, albeit somewhat reluctantly some days. But I will say this: absolutely NOTHING he does or says surprises me anymore. And, some days I feel like an EXPERT on detaching, and other days, not so much. Today's a pretty 'expert' day. So that's good. I have more of those now than the bad ones. A friend told me, after hearing me talk about this sitch, that she thinks he's going to reconsider and come home someday, but that she was afraid that, by then, I won't want him back anymore. To borrow a line from our friend Mighty, 'things that make you go hmmmmmm....'
Got a full weekend planned. Gearing up for some college football, dinner out with friends, and a surprise party for my 70-year-old aunt! Looking forward to it. Lovely start to the fall we're having - is it 'Indian Summer' already??? Cider and donuts are calling me.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Ah detaching. My biggest struggle. I have my good and bad days too. Especially when they drag things out. Would it be easier if it was just cut and dry? I think so.
Sounds like a fun weekend, hang in there.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Mleigh - I do think it would be easier if it were over and done with quickly. And I still find detaching to be a daily struggle. But, something clicked in March/April (about 8 mos. post BD) where I just felt different suddenly. He had hurt me maybe one too many times and it was like I removed him from the pedestal I'd had him on for 20 years and placed him, finally, on a 'level playing field' with me. That's when my thinking shifted a little, and I was no longer so concerned what exactly I said or did when dealing with him. Whatever happened, I knew I'd still be ok. Now, I just try to be polite, no R or D talk, try to listen, and take one day at a time. I'm a little scared because I'm starting to question whether I'd be able to take him back if he reconsidered, apologized, sought help, etc. Honestly, I'm just not sure anymore. This is new, like in the last few weeks...Every sitch is different, but you'll know at some point what's right for you...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Well, let's see. My last post was 9/24. And just about nothing has changed - STILL. My counselor keeps urging me to sit down and have an R talk with H. So strange, though. He does weird things. His best friend's father passed away last week, and I sent my usual card/hand-written note to him and his wife, and made my usual donation to a related charity. H apparently had seen my note and made a big point of thanking me for 'what I did', and mentioned that they were so 'thankful' for my kind words. IDK, I just think that's so odd. That's what I've always done - for anyone. When he is here at the house (occasionally, taking care of the lawn), he doesn't look at me when he talks, seems nervous or something. Still no more talk of mediation, and apparently our vacation home is STILL not on the market - at least 6 weeks ago we discussed putting it up for sale.
I'm just at a complete loss at what to do next. I've GAL'd my butt off this year, and I continue to do that. It just seems like he is permanently in la-la land. Still can't deal with the reality of his life (still not seeing a counselor, even though he insists he wants to, needs to). Days and days and days go by with no word. I still don't know where his apartment is; I refuse to ask and he doesn't say.
So here is the question for you all: His biggest complaint about our R was that we weren't connected on a very deep level. Looking back, there is some truth to that, although I just don't think I realized it - but neither did he until we had been married for 20 years (!). Regardless, keeping that in mind, does anyone have any suggestions for me???
Really, I am at a loss. Plain and simple. I haven't cried in over a month - don't feel like I need to anymore. SO tired of this game. He comes by, talks about anything and everything EXCEPT the HERD of elephants in the room, and I just can't stand it anymore! It's SO incredibly absurd. I am his wife - and I have NO IDEA how he feels about me at this point. NONE. That is just so insane.
I have been 'lurking' mostly lately because there just has been nothing to say. But, I keep reading because there are so many 'gems' in what all of you are writing. So much strength you all show. I feel pretty strong, worthy, all that stuff. I feel pretty good about all the work I've done on myself this past year. I know it was necessary and I am grateful for this opportunity. So, ok. That's great. Now what? I think I have an unwritten deadline, and that's spring 2015. I think I can wait until then, but if we are not either on the path to reconciliation (at least TALKING constructively), or on the path to divorce by then, it will be time to throw in the towel. I see no reason to waste any more time. I'm 51, and will be 52 in March. I think almost 2 years of waiting around for H will be enough. My friend keeps telling me she thinks he will come back around someday, but it may take a divorce to make that happen.
Ladies' weekend away 'up north' this coming weekend. Taking Thursday and Friday off. Thursday morning I will make a detour and drive by the vacation home - just to see what exactly is happening there. H says he's been 'working' up there (presumably to get it ready to sell). Last time I was there was mid-August. It looked so neglected and abandoned that it made me cry (you see, if he was not still seeing OW, he would have been taking care of the place, so it plainly showed me he is still 'somewhere else' on weekends, and not at our place). Geez, I guess I feel neglected and abandoned too.
Anyway, I really need this weekend - these are 5 close friends from high school. Always a great time. Looking forward to it! Thinking good thoughts for all of you in DB land this week. Keep up the GREAT work. Together, we are gathering strength to move forward, whatever that means for each of you. So glad we all can share here. Don't know where I'd be without it. Peace out...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I'm sorry not much has changed in your sitch. I can't imagine being together for 20 years, and suddenly not knowing where H even lives. Do you see him at all? Or is it just email/business stuff?
I'm glad to read you are getting out, GAL, and feeling good about your self-worth. Those are going to be bigger on my own to-do list going forward.
I wanted to know more about the spring 2015 throw-in-the-towel deadline. I'm asking because I don't know, not because I have an opinion. I may find myself in the same limbo soon, so I'm gathering info as much as I can.
So, my curiosity....
Why have the deadline? Is it something you decided on your own at one time, like an absolute limit? What, if anything, would have to change for your deadline to be flexible? What if your feelings change sooner, would you still hold out because you committed to spring?
I'm sorry you feel things are stagnant. That is a very difficult place to be. Shining brings up some good questions for you to ponder. Only you can decide what feels right for you and I do understand that can be challenging. Hang in there!
I like the Lions too! Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford are 2 of my faves (and they are good guys!!!)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I like that you set a timeframe. Once that comes, you can do whatever you want. Reassess everything. But I think it is good, because it will help put a focus on you in the meantime. Glad you are GAL. Whatever happens between now and then, you don't have to make any decisions.
I think it's a good idea, Live. Keep your head up, and keep on doing you!
I think like many of us that deep down you are still holding on to him too tightly. You are still holding your breath waiting for that first sign that things have turned the corner and he is coming back to you. What are you going to do if he never comes back? suffocate? Stop holding your breath. Stop looking for that first sign of change from him. Until you do that he will sense that you are still out there waiting for him.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Live now, I'll explain my take on MLC lala land. I had an MLC and was in lala for a couple of years.
There is no time for any thought of anything but the pain inside your head. Picture the worst physical pain you ever had in your life and transfer that into your mind. It hurts! It hurts to the point you are just trying to get through another day alive. You think to yourself this can't go on. Day after monotonous day. Like a walking zombie! There is no energy to deal with much outside of your own mind.
I can't believe I wasn't fired during that couple years. I did very little productive at work. I would think how f'd up I was but could not figure a way out.
One day out of the blue the answer came. The shell broke open. Why? I don't know but it did. Hearts blessings stages of MLC describe it well. I travelled all of them. Mine took 2 1/2 yrs start to finish. It would not have mattered one iota what anybody else would have said or done. It was my path to travel.
With that being said. You need to be good to yourself and travel your path. There are no garauntees he comes out of lala land. You can be in a good place should that happen.
I feel for you, and understand and hope you continue to look out for yourself.
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