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#2486310 09/09/14 12:49 AM
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Ok, I hope this works...My previous (initial) thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2443182#Post2443182

Time for a new thread. It's been over a year for me since BD, and I finally feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. I attended my first meetup Friday night, for people in 'transition' (such as divorce, new in town, or death of a spouse, etc.). I really enjoyed myself. I wasn't even really nervous at all. A year ago I would have been terrified. But, I saw everyone else come in with apprehension on their faces, but by the time we all left, people were laughing, talking, smiling -- feeling better for having shared some of their troubles. I'm looking forward to going next time. Great experience. Made me feel like I was finally 'busting out' (did I steal that from someone on here?!) and moving forward into my own new life. (Never mind that I ended up seated next to a Woody Allen lookalike all night. Ha.) So that's a big step forward for me. I joined that group a year ago, but this was my first dinner with them.

I also re-started my Omega 3's and it's really made a difference, thank God. Things were looking SO bleak a week or so ago -- inside my head. Better now. Whew.

So, H and I still have not started mediation. Agreement (to use the mediator, pay the retainer, cooperate) was sitting on the kitchen counter for 10 days. He finally picked it up today. I left it up to him to do what he wants with it now that I've signed it. (Remember, he's a procrastinator, and disorganized to the max, in his MLC.)

H was here to cut the lawn this afternoon. Said he wanted to talk. I had e-mailed him last week letting him know the mediation agreement was here, signed, sitting on the counter. I also told him in that e-mail that I would have done whatever it took to save our marriage. And, that I don't hate him or blame him for everything. AND, that I had told him years ago that I didn't ever want to be a person standing in the way of his happiness. So, if DIVORCE is what would make him happy, I'm not standing in his way. (This is the very first time either of us has used the D word.) I felt like I needed to use it to slap him upside the head with the stark reality of it! This was a complete 180 for me. It's the first time I've actually DONE something to move this mess forward (signed the agreement). I finally let go and put it in God's hands.

Got a response e-mail immediately saying he would be by today, and that he 'had some things he wanted me know' and that he wanted to talk today, if I wanted to. So, he started off today by apologizing, again, for being such a terrible person to live with for past 7 or 8 years -- irritable, angry, impatient, blaming, complaining. He also had actually started reading the book I gave him (How We Love), and realized how I must have felt, living with him in that frame of mind (!).

I about fell out of my chair. FINALLY, looking inward, at himself. It was like the clouds parted and sunbeams came down from Heaven and shone on his head - and angels sang a lovely melody. I smiled from ear to ear - in my head. I just nodded, validated (yes - I did it!), and kept listening. This is HUGE for him. He blamed me for everything. He is a smart man, so I was SO shocked that he blamed me for it all a year ago. THIS is the thinking man I knew, just a glimpse of him. A moment of clarity. Someone recently said (was it Nitty?) that God is working on H, and it's beautiful, no matter what the outcome of our sitch. For the first time, I felt like, no matter where we end up, God is truly working on him now, forcing him to look at himself and fix what's wrong inside -- for himself.

That book taught me so much. It made me look WAY inward, and made me cry, realizing I was not the only one in the world being an 'avoider.' I knew if he read it, he would at least begin to understand me, and might even recognize himself in it.

I was starting to doubt he was in MLC and maybe was just a WAS. But, today, I know he is in MLC (even though he may be a combo of MLC/WAS). He's so conflicted about his job/career, not to mention his friends, family. Talked about quitting and building houses (he's in IT), working at the local home improvement store (!), something other than what he's doing. He's so unhappy. I really think living alone (for the last month or so) has begun to wake him up to his real life.

So through the entire conversation today, no mention of mediation or D. Just specifics like selling our vacation home (that i wanted to sell over a year ago anyway), his work, stuff like that -- stuff that would be taking place whether we D or not.

This is so amazing and fascinating to watch. And the compassion I had for him? It actually came back. I felt I had lost it completely lately. I know he's hurting and struggling mightily to sort things out and figure out what the heck is 'wrong with him.' Whew. I also know he won't be stuck in this forever, like some. He's too smart for that, and the self-awareness is beginning to grow. Whether I am going to be part of his future is anybody's guess - unlikely, I believe now. And I am no longer hanging my hat on that.

I'm planning my future, standing on my own two feet - no matter what. And it feels GREAT. I know I'll be ok, and I like myself so much better today than a year ago.

I'm not terribly religious, but God truly does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He? Fascinating. Happy Monday everyone. Gotta go watch my Lions on Monday night football!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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Well, I decided I'm getting a tattoo in a few weeks. It will say: "Let it Be." I think it's a great idea. It's a reminder for me to accept what IS. After the word 'Be' there will be a small bird flying away.

The bird reminds me of a reoccurring dream I've had several times over the past 5 or 6 years (when there was already trouble brewing but I just didn't see it)...I was stuck in a basement somewhere with no way out, but I could see a doorway way far up, too far to reach. The only way out was to fly. I could never fly high enough to get out and I remember thinking 'Where is H? Why isn't he helping me?' Then, I had this dream again several months ago, but this time, I FLEW OUT - by myself, with wings. I still get goose bumps when I tell it.

Good feeling is hanging around. Omega 3's doing their thing. Looking forward to fall, whatever it brings...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
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LiveNow, I truly enjoyed reading your recent posts. Your dream is quite interesting. I think it showed the shift inside of you. It seems like you are truly letting go. I know the feeling, I get it once in a while. I think it is getting stronger every day, but I still have some ways to go.

I also doubt from time to time that my H is in MLC. I think I posted this question a few times here. Maybe your H being a combo of MLC/WAS is actually a good thing. Like you said, he is starting to look inside, so hopefully he will come out of the fog sooner.

I like your idea of a tattoo will look like. I’m a chicken when it comes to decorating my body. I wear earrings, and this is it. Maybe I should get a tattoo too. This will sure shock H to the core, LOL.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright, I don't have any tattoos yet - this will be the first. I figure the pain of getting it will be a PIECE OF CAKE compared to the pain my H has put me through! Yes, it would shock my H too. I don't care. This one is for me, to remind me daily to let go of things as I think they 'should' be. And sort of a 'congratulations to me' thing, for getting through this past year. Something I'll never forget, and something that has changed me forever, in a good way. Do it Bright! :-) Something just for you...

About the dream - my counselor also suggested it might mean that I finally felt like I could stand on my own two feet, and that I didn't need my H to help me do that. I like telling people about the dream. I always get goose bumps...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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So, during last Monday's tide-turning conversation with H, he said he had seen a counselor but had stopped. When I asked why, he said he didn't think it was helping, and that he needed to find someone who could delve deeper to help him identify what his issues really are. I've recently heard about a local psychologist who has a great reputation and was highly recommended, by more than one person I know.

Question: Is it 'pursuing' if I forward this person's contact information to H? Would I be 'helping' him (and I shouldn't)? Do I just let him find his own counselor? He does really seem to want to find help but doesn't know where to turn. I would do this for a friend, but what are some opinions out there, fellow DB'ers?


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
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Live,

Don't try to solve his problems-that's his job. You said "he doesn't know where to turn for help." Really? There may be more to why he stopped IC. Perhaps he didn't like what IC said or encouraged him to do. Who really knows. You can listen, validate and if you choose, you can send him the contact info. Just don't expect anything. He's a big boy. Let him figure it out. Hang in there !



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Live,
I'm thinking the same thing that Georgia is...there might be more to why he stopped seeing the IC. There's no way to tell and if he really and truly wanted someone who could really delve into his mind, he could have asked the IC for a referral or called around.

Listen and validate. As for the recommendation, I would mention it the next time you have a conversation, in person, text or on the phone. Don't be too quick to give it to him because it looks like you are attempting to fix him. Yes, he is most definitely a big boy and can figure things out and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised that he doesn't make an appointment or if he does, he'll find something wrong w/him/her as well.

Remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Hence, keep your expectations near zero or actually on zero. Keep the focus on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2488832 09/16/14 12:17 AM
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Thanks GB and Job. I think I will sit on it for a while, maybe mention it next time I see him. It just hurts to see him hurting so much. I am not generally a 'fixer' and my brain knows I can't fix him, but I guess maybe my heart is still learning that lesson. <sigh>


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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Hi livenow. Question for you. Did you initiate the mediation or did your H? My H keeps saying he wants to do this but of course never gets it done. I am at the end of my rope and wondering if my H sees what divorce will look like on paper, if it might wake him up a little? I am curious about your sitch and who set the appt to begin it.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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mleigh4, he initiated it. H said in April (for the umpteenth time) he wanted to 'end the marriage.' Said he would find a mediator to use. That took him about 3 months, said he found one, gave me her contact info, I called her (like I was supposed to) so she could explain the general process, and she said that the next steps would be signing the mediation agreement, and then setting up our first appointment. I talked to her in early August, and we've now had the agreement in our hands for at least a month. Have set up no appointment yet. Ball is in his court, for now.

You might be right -- once they begin to see the stark reality of it, it might make a difference. When I told H that I signed the agreement, in an e-mail, I also said that I wouldn't stand in the way of his happiness, and if divorce was what would make him happy, I wasn't standing in his way. First time either one of us ever used the D word. Figured it was time. I think this was me 'lovingly detaching'?? And me making sure he knew what exactly he was getting into...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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