It's been my observation that a wayward spouse will usually admit to one level less than what really happened. It's highly likely she had sex with him, and my advice would be to proceed under that assumption.
It's been my observation that a wayward spouse will usually admit to one level less than what really happened. It's highly likely she had sex with him, and my advice would be to proceed under that assumption.
Starsky
Spot on as always Starsky...I've been operating under that assumption since the 9th when I found the second round of dirty messages, and actually I'm guilty of the, "admission of one level less," behavior too. About a week after I met my W I went on a planned spring break trip with my roommate, his GF, and her sorority sister, with whom I shared a room/bed. Of course when I got back my future W asked if anything happened and I said we had kissed. Much later, after we were engaged I revealed that we had sex after heavy drinking. So I hear where you're coming from.
I know I'm getting trickle-truthed but it's a HUGE improvement over her attitude when I first got back a few weeks ago, which was disrespectful and full on denial even after I found the first set of pictures. She does now say that she wants to work on our marriage and that the last week has made her want to be closer to me, but the remaining contact with the OM is still preventing me from talking about the future with her. Like I said, things are better, but we still have work to do.
Ok, who said I was setting myself up for disaster? Hat tip to you, because you were right. Here I thought things were going so well, the W's career with her company is taking off, she was much happier, we were enjoying each other's company and (what I thought) getting to know each other all over again.
Recently, and I've mentioned this guy before once, she's been talking to and messaging a guy from our previous station, let's just go ahead and call him OM2. He's been having problems in his marriage and W says she's the only person he feels comfortable talking to about it. Recently, one of her phone conversations made me suspicious, and yes, I had another jealous slide tonight. She and OM2 have been exchanging messages back and forth, but not all about his marital problems. Many are how he misses her, wants to lay by her, shirtless pictures of him, blah blah blah. She has told and still tells both OM and OM2 that she loves them. I suspect past PA with OM2, EA with both OM and OM2 still continuing.
We had talked about marriage tonight with her boss, about ups and downs, how they got through rough times, and after we dropped her off the conversation turned nasty. I tried to tell her that while we had been doing well I still had issues with trust and whatnot, and she exploded (spew jacket handy?). Accused me of trying to bring her down just when her career is going well and that once she gets this job that she could leave me whenever she wanted to. To me that kind of cheapens what a marriage is. I don't think she identifies a marriage as meaning anything anymore.
Sleeping on the couch tonight, gym in the morning I guess... Where did I go wrong? That may be a long list looking back...
That would be great, I can't stop looking at the damn text activity on Verizon's site and wondering what picture/video was sent. It's awful. Problem is, our bank account is shared, so even if she got a separate phone plan, the money would still come out of that account. The first step may be for her to get her own bank account.
Better: You set up your own account that she can't access, and you have your paycheck DD'd into it each payday. Then you transfer some set amount of money into yours and hers joint account to pay for the shared marital expenses. She sets up her own account, and does the same. Each of your contributions into the joint marital account should be in proportion to your income (say, 90/10 or 80/20 or whatever).
Then tell your wife what you set up. Tell her you are no longer willing to pay any expenses for anything associated with her affair, and tell her she'll need to get her own cellphone by 48 hours as you'll be shutting that down as well. "I will not use our family's money to pay for you to send half-naked pictures of yourself to other men. If you want to do that, you can pay for that out of your own account, and your own income."
Remove her access to any joint credit cards or lines-of-credit as well, and only tell her AFTER you've done so (make this move in conjunction with the banking moves mentioned above).
Continue to provide for your wife's basic needs, but not her wants and certainly not her affair. While you can't control her decision to flee from your marriage, there's certainly nothing that says you need to finance her flight.
Tough stuff, but I had to do it too. You need to protect your family's finances, and people caught up in what your wife is have been known to do some pretty crazy things.
That would be great, I can't stop looking at the damn text activity on Verizon's site and wondering what picture/video was sent. It's awful. Problem is, our bank account is shared, so even if she got a separate phone plan, the money would still come out of that account. The first step may be for her to get her own bank account.
Better: You set up your own account that she can't access, and you have your paycheck DD'd into it each payday. Then you transfer some set amount of money into yours and hers joint account to pay for the shared marital expenses. She sets up her own account, and does the same. Each of your contributions into the joint marital account should be in proportion to your income (say, 90/10 or 80/20 or whatever).
Then tell your wife what you set up. Tell her you are no longer willing to pay any expenses for anything associated with her affair, and tell her she'll need to get her own cellphone by 48 hours as you'll be shutting that down as well. "I will not use our family's money to pay for you to send half-naked pictures of yourself to other men. If you want to do that, you can pay for that out of your own account, and your own income."
Remove her access to any joint credit cards or lines-of-credit as well, and only tell her AFTER you've done so (make this move in conjunction with the banking moves mentioned above).
Continue to provide for your wife's basic needs, but not her wants and certainly not her affair. While you can't control her decision to flee from your marriage, there's certainly nothing that says you need to finance her flight.
Tough stuff, but I had to do it too. You need to protect your family's finances, and people caught up in what your wife is have been known to do some pretty crazy things.
Starsky
Did you ever do any of this?
I did, the first paychecks went into the private accounts this week, and I have a spreadsheet outlining monthly joint bills and how much each of us is to contribute each paycheck. We still have a joint phone plan, but the bill breaks out charges based on individual line usage, so I can still divide it up to where I am only paying for my phone and she pays for hers. I showed that to her so she understood what I was doing, and given last night's discovery, it was a good move, at least I'm not paying for that data usage...
We don't have any joint credit cards, never did, the only joint credit lines are auto loans and a mortgage, which I consider joint bills that she contributes to. I've probably been too lenient in paying for things when we go out, but we've played it off like I was taking her on dates (which sometimes they were). But that's not exactly funding an affair is it?
I think I'm failing in the patience department, but the one affair with OM2 is at least a year and a half old. I told her I didn't want to be in an open marriage with this stuff going on, but she's still denying anything other than a friendship and one time when OM2 spent the night (during a different deployment...pattern?). I'm going to the gym.
It sounds like you have a full-blown, resentful/entitled, serial adulteress on your hands. That's way above MY pay-grade, or even the techniques and strategies of DBing, in my experience. All you can do is REMOVE YOURSELF from the situation, I'm afraid.
She's resentful that I've been away so long and that she never wanted the military spouse life, but chose to marry me anyway as a young, naive 22 year-old. Therefore she feels entitled to hold that against me, in the form of blaming me not being there for turning to these men, and I point out that regardless of how neglected she felt, the decision to have inappropriate relationships with other guys was hers alone. Round and round we go.
What do you mean remove myself from the situation? Detach more? LRT? Or are you suggesting the only solution is the Big D? Today was the first time I said that we need to go to counseling, not sure if that would help her be more truthful, or if it would put her into defensive mode, but it's something we have yet to seriously look into.
I've got two of your recommended books on the way, the, "No More Mister Nice Guy," and, "Hold on to your N.U.T.S." Let's see what those have to tell me. This whole situation just took a really weird turn yesterday, just when I thought things were improving.
I mean let her go -- completely. Whether that's a divorce or whether it's a separation where you "stand" for your marriage (having had to remove yourself from it as it's emotionally unhealthy for you to continue to face such deceit and disrespect), that's for you to decide. But at some point a man can't let the drowning person pull them under with them.
