A: "Well, I'm sorry they feel that way. I haven't decided yet whether or not I want to go, but I can assure you my decision will have NOTHING to do what these people think about my personal business. But thanks for letting me know."
And then you should show up.
Sounds like I'll have to have this conversation with her again then. I did mention that these people had no reason to think poorly of me as I was the LBS, and this boundary would probably prevent a nasty confrontation between the OM and I, so for that they should be thankful. One problem is that I have no idea where this thing is, and the original plan was for us to stay down there overnight (it's about an hour away), which would mean we would have to have a pet sitter, so just showing up would require a bit more planning. Plus, if I were to show up and the OM was there amongst a group of mostly his friends, I don't think that would go well for me...physically or emotionally.
actually, you don't even NEED to show up. Just maintain the CREDIBLE THREAT of showing up.
If her and OM don't know what you're going to do, they then have to plan accordingly.
The problem with the answer you gave is that you are JUSTIFYING and EXPLAINING yourself to her. Your boundary ("I expect my wife to be faithful; I cannot abide a marriage where my wife is in inappropriate contact with another man") is self-evident, has already been stated (too often, IMHO) and needs no further explanation.
Yup, just part of my brain's wiring I guess; very logical, methodical, feel like everything needs to be explained and justified with evidence. Although from talking to her it sounds like she has genuine remorse for all this, now that it's not just me that is affected by this situation, but also her and the OM's friends. Or she's a good actress.
I haven't initiated calls/texts since she's been out of town, and haven't initiated ILY since discovering her nasty messages. She does know I'm reading DR, but I haven't asked her to read it. I have stuck to my resolution to not snoop so far, but I am still a proponent of, "trust but verify."
Still feel like I backslide every now and then though, I have talked to both my parents and her mom, but only had told them that we are just going through a rough spot. Unfortunately that somehow prompted her mom calling her and basically telling her that she's a disappointment to the family and everybody back home thinks she's either sleeping around or gay. At least the W called me to talk about it and not the OM, is that a good sign?
Anyways, I've been feeling better with some time to myself, so if nothing else there's that. Probably going down to the range and pop off a couple rounds, haven't gotten any time out there since before I deployed (and thankfully I wasn't in a location where I needed to shoot back).
I don't think that would go well for me...physically or emotionally.
This touches a nerve. At one point in my ordeal, my WAW's enabling girlfriend (who knows about W's A and helped her cover for it) talked my W into reporting something that resulted in my being arrested. (charges later dismissed)
While I would never stoop so low as to do anything like that to my W in retaliation, her friend now occupies a very special place in my heart.
Don't go looking for trouble, but if I were so much as touched, I'd have 911 all over that party in a heartbeat. Thugs are thugs whether they are besties of your W's OM or not. There is some crap you just don't have to put up with.
I think all of us try to make sense of things. Unfortunately there is no sense to be found in the brain of a WS. Trying to reason with them is going down a cheeseless tunnel, as MWD says.
Starsky's advice is spot on.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I think the problem isn't that I'd be looking for trouble, but I have no idea how I would react to seeing the OM. Not sure I would do well seeing both of them behind the bar, most likely flirting away like they were the last time all three of us were in the same house. I think Starsky's got the right idea for my situation, credible possibility that I make an appearance. Whether I do or not I'll have to play by ear.
There's a bigger problem at hand as well: Your wife's friends.
They seem OK with her flirting and/or sleeping with the OM. And you seem to be the "problem". If her friends were real friends they would say, "Bring your husband, the OM isn't welcome." But apparently they are loyal to a man who wants to steal another man's wife.
This is her social circle. People tend not to rise above the moral base-line of their community. It seems you wife's new social circle is A-OK with adultery.
Take Starsky's advice.
Also the first half of the DR is about solving relatively benign marital problems. It does, alter in the book, talk about a Last Resort Technique, After the Last Resort Technique (going dark) and ultimatums. Those are all part of the arsenal.
I honestly don't know who knows what in that circle. The friend she's staying with apparently knows everything (from what the W has told me), but the party itself is being put on by that friends' parents, who I'm not sure understand what's going on, other than the OM and I can't be in the same place at the same time. I suspect they have their ideas as to why, but I don't know if the W's friend has told her parents what she knows either.
I can't for sure say that they are OK with adultery if they don't know it's going on, but at the same time, they all know him and have never met me. I'm the outsider, it's felt that way since I've been back, and as I've said in a previous post, I don't have a social circle of my own to go to right now. Everybody I know is scattered to the four winds taking their R&R as well.
