Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
Originally Posted By: zew
Protect yourself financially, protect yourself financially, protect yourself financially!

If I wasn't clear, protect yourself financially.

And when you do, be prepared for W to complain that you're 'punishing' her.



Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Originally Posted By: zew
Protect yourself financially, protect yourself financially, protect yourself financially!

If I wasn't clear, protect yourself financially.

And when you do, be prepared for W to complain that you're 'punishing' her.



Of course. With a big dollop of "I *was* going to consider reconciling with you, but *now* you've blown any chance you had!" on top. smirk

Background noise. Just put on the spew jacket and learn the fine art of "I can understand how you feel that way. I'm doing what I feel I need to do to protect myself."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
R
Rev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
Tricare will only cover therapy for diagnosed psychiatric diagnoses, at least that's what I got from their site. If we were to go and get such a diagnosis then it would probably be covered. I'm having a hard time believing her as well, and I really don't see an end to the OM contact, since they work together. Right now I'm on R&R after deployment and am scared as hell to leave her alone when I go back to work in a week, both from an infidelity standpoint and the possibility of her hurting herself.

You are correct in assuming we have no kids, just pets. I have been consistent in telling her that I am completely willing to work on things on the condition that she cut ties with the OM, but again, they work together. When the relationship was good, it was great, and that may be the only thing keeping me around.

At this point I'm questioning everything about who I thought she was. I would hope it's a combination of the first two, but I just don't know anymore. Everybody on the outside thinks we're the perfect couple, with the world in our hands and great future prospects, but it's all a show at this point. Thanks for all your help, [censored] that there are so many who have to endure this.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
R
Rev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
Bank accounts are separated...personal accounts each, one joint for bills. She's saying she's going to cancel her cell phone and buy a new plan that she will pay for. But that kind of says to me that she would rather pay for her own plan and continue the affair than stay on ours and break contact with the OM. She also plans on staying with a friend out of town for a few days after the weekend. I don't know what to think about that.

Why does it feel like these steps are making things worse?

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Rev
She's saying she's going to cancel her cell phone and buy a new plan that she will pay for. But that kind of says to me that she would rather pay for her own plan and continue the affair than stay on ours and break contact with the OM.



Yep, and you can't control that. But at least you're not financing it, and you've learned to draw an important boundary with her.

My wife had her own cellphone set up within 2 HOURS of me shutting her off of our account. And of course I then loss the intel of seeing who she was texting and how often, but I already had all the info I needed so why keep making myself crazy? It was more important to begin to get my own self-respect back, and to draw an important boundary on using our family's finances (we have four kids) on her texting and calling and sexting her OM.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Rev
She also plans on staying with a friend out of town for a few days after the weekend. I don't know what to think about that.


Assume the worst, and plan accordingly. It's more likely she's probably just "punishing" you for putting your financial foot down, but yes she could be going to hook up with OM as well. Your response needs to be "I have no desire to control you, do as you please. Just know that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage, and I'm also no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."

YES, it almost always gets "worse" before it gets better. But only if you define "worse" as "she seems angry with me." There's nothing she's going to be doing that she wasn't doing already, and the problem with a lot of these situations is that people think something is "working" simply because their wayward spouse is NICE to them. Well, they're usually "nice" when they're allowed to conduct their affair, unencumbered.

Just put on your spew jacket and hold on for the ride.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810

On “Doing What Works”:


One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Nicely stated. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
R
Rev Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
It's calmed down a bit here, I don't know if the process is going well or what but thanks for the advice/encouragement. I'm gonna get back to GAL hopefully pretty soon.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Rev, be prepared for her to use ANY tool or trick at her disposal now, including possibly getting you to ML to her (don't do it!) or threatening to harm herself (call 911 -- seriously).

She's likely to careen all over the map now, looking for chinks in your armor.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard