Well to answer your question I make just about everything save for about 800-1000 a month. We have a joint bank account that we both have debit cards for. We also have three cars two of which are in both our names, the third in just hers.
However there was a major development tonight...we went over to the OM house again tonight and I couldn't stand how the two of them were acting towards each other. I checked her phone again at home and this time found not only more topless pics that were certainly not sent to me, but also raunchy messages about how she missed his body/affection etc. Also said things about kissing each other and explicit references to sex.
I woke her up and confronted her. She still refused to admit having sex with the OM but I just assume it at this point. I gave her the ultimatum of breaking all contact or I would start removing her from all of our joint accounts. She revealed that she had been close to suicide while I was gone but never told me or got help. She turned to another man. Now given these choices she's threatening that again, as she sees no choice that is good for her. I don't think she sees me as someone she can live with anymore but knows she can't provide for herself either. This is the worst day of my life
Answer to her when she says that: "I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you'll get the help you need. It doesn't change my position one bit. It sounds like we both have some decisions to make." (And then end the conversation).
Well that would be a great place to start, don't you think?
"I have decided that I'm no longer willing to pay for the phone you use to conduct your affair and send porn to your boyfriend."
Then I would recommend putting together a detailed -- but separate -- financial plan, where you are both contributing to the family's needs proportionally to your incomes but where she does have some accountable skin in the game.
If you think she's suicidal or depressed, get her to a psychiatrist ASAP. You must have services available to you in the military for situations like this? Also make an appointment for marriage counseling. I'm not sure I believe a word she's saying at this point, but if she's sincerely confused, she should be willing to go.
You haven't mentioned kids, I'll assume you don't have any? In which case, you also have to ask yourself some hard questions about this relationship and whether it is worth saving. Every awful thing you are going through right now is ten times worse when children are involved. And she has already demonstrated that she is a repeat offender. Do you want to risk going through this again in a few years with children involved?
I suggest you also see an attorney to find out how to protect yourself financially. If there is significant money in the joint accounts you may want to move half to an account in just your name so she can't wipe out the accounts.
I applaud you for your willingness to look at your own contribution and for your level head in the face of this trauma. She may just be a weak person who can't be alone, she may be depressed, or she may be a lying manipulator who enjoyed living the single life while you supprted her. You know her best.
Does she have family she could go home to live with while getting back on her feet?
That would be great, I can't stop looking at the damn text activity on Verizon's site and wondering what picture/video was sent. It's awful. Problem is, our bank account is shared, so even if she got a separate phone plan, the money would still come out of that account. The first step may be for her to get her own bank account.
That would be great, I can't stop looking at the damn text activity on Verizon's site and wondering what picture/video was sent. It's awful. Problem is, our bank account is shared, so even if she got a separate phone plan, the money would still come out of that account. The first step may be for her to get her own bank account.
Better: You set up your own account that she can't access, and you have your paycheck DD'd into it each payday. Then you transfer some set amount of money into yours and hers joint account to pay for the shared marital expenses. She sets up her own account, and does the same. Each of your contributions into the joint marital account should be in proportion to your income (say, 90/10 or 80/20 or whatever).
Then tell your wife what you set up. Tell her you are no longer willing to pay any expenses for anything associated with her affair, and tell her she'll need to get her own cellphone by 48 hours as you'll be shutting that down as well. "I will not use our family's money to pay for you to send half-naked pictures of yourself to other men. If you want to do that, you can pay for that out of your own account, and your own income."
Remove her access to any joint credit cards or lines-of-credit as well, and only tell her AFTER you've done so (make this move in conjunction with the banking moves mentioned above).
Continue to provide for your wife's basic needs, but not her wants and certainly not her affair. While you can't control her decision to flee from your marriage, there's certainly nothing that says you need to finance her flight.
Tough stuff, but I had to do it too. You need to protect your family's finances, and people caught up in what your wife is have been known to do some pretty crazy things.
Get your own primary account set up for your pay deposit. Then make contributions from that to your joint account, so that your joint account has no more in it than to cover reasonable monthly expenses. You can do all of this discreetly without any fanfare. No need to announce or threaten it, just do it.
Don't insist she have her own bank account - right now you have more visibility on the joint account, and if its funding is limited, the damage is limited.
Worry less about the Verizon text activity - she's going to do what she's going to do. Start collecting your e-statements on all your accounts/loans and setting them aside somewhere safe, then start figuring out what your plan is.
