So this weekend was a huge event for the W and I, a car meet on the other side of the country, where we met two old friends and carted our show car on a trailer. OM2 has been going through some major marriage issues of his own, and has been talking to my W on their messaging app of choice. W says it's solely for support and he has nobody else to talk to about it (he probably doesn't), but she has yet to give me full disclosure/access. Still, we've been working on spending QT together, I've refrained from snooping, and this trip was going to be a really big thing for us.
We met our friends at their house, which is actually our house that they are renting, and OM2 was messaging W that there was some horrible stuff going on and he needed to get away from the house (she has been known to be physically abusive). We offered him a seat in the SUV to take him to the event with us, but when the time came to leave, he didn't show. Fast forward, he ends up going to the airport and getting a one-way ticket to where we were headed, and so he joined us at the event. I was encouraged though, because W had no problem showing affection towards me in front of him, she seemed to prefer my company, and when we went out to the bar she gravitated towards me, not him. If you remember from previous posts, the last time she, I, and an OM were in the same room and drinking was involved, she was blatantly flirtatious towards the OM, not me. We even fooled around in the hotel bed with OM2 sleeping on the floor next to us. I noticed her looking at me in a way I hadn't seen in a long time.
But of course, now I'm home and she's at a big event for work, and I realize I haven't kept any evidence of her being a wayward spouse. So I found a way to monitor the messaging app that she has been using with both OM's. She hasn't been talking to OM1 all that much recently, which is encouraging, but OM2 and her have still been telling each other how much they wish they could be with each other, exchanging nudie pics (she sent him one from the bathroom this morning) and they have been doing quite a bit of talking about his marital problems. So I emailed the entire thing to myself. The one short conversation with OM1 that I saw included him sending her a picture of his bicep. So there's still something there too.
What do I do? This weekend went so well and she's been telling me how much better our marriage has been, but I think that's all just that we haven't gotten into a fight. I may just keep the messages as evidence if needed later. Do I confront her or just act like I don't know anything? I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
What do I do? This weekend went so well and she's been telling me how much better our marriage has been, but I think that's all just that we haven't gotten into a fight.
Yep. And at least you now know clearly what's going on.
If it were me, without revealing the source of my intel, I'd calmly tell her "I know all about you and _______, and we both know you're lying to me when you say it's 'just friends.' This isn't working for me; I've got some decisions to make."
And then I'd go dim on her, perhaps even telling her she needs to move out.
You did the financial piece of this already; it's time to tighten the remaining screws in my opinion. This is of course assuming that you can't tolerate your wife sexting with other men while married to you and in your marital home.
You have no kids, Rev. Some of us would've KILLED for that kind of clarity and simplicity in our sitches. What took me 60 days to eventually do would've been done in 6.
I did that once before and met with total denial. This post, when I went to the coffee shop:
"I told her I knew that she was not being completely honest with me and until she wanted to be then I wasn't going to devote myself to an M where I'm the only one in it 100%. If she decided that she could never be fully truthful then we would have to separate (no D word).
Engage spewfest. Right in the middle of her rant about not wanting to see me until we meet out of town in a few days I was out the door and am writing this from the coffee shop."
Only now I have it saved and ready. I've been playing a scenario in my mind where when she gets back from this trip she's on, there would be a note on the door telling everything including a printout of the evidence to support it. The note would basically say that I would no longer be walked on or treated like a backstop if a relationship with OM2 wasn't going to work. I would be at a hotel somewhere for a few days, and the note would tell her not to be home when I get back. I would not respond to any of her calls/messages until I felt it was time to discuss D, and lay out the absolute bottom line if R was even possible (NC w/both OM's, full disclosure/access, sincere remorse and verbal/written statement of wanting to re-commit to the marriage). On the other hand, I have a suspicion that OM2 is actively trying to steal my W away and the two of them are just biding their time until his probably divorce goes through so W can leave me high and dry. The body of evidence is not robust enough to support that quite yet, and I'm working an exercise this and next week so I won't have time to talk to a lawyer about my rights and how to get the D started. One thing I did read was about a thing called, "condonation," where if I don't take some sort of action towards the adulterer(s) then I'm effectively condoning the activity and can't use it as grounds for divorce.
I have already told her that I had forgiven her for the affair with OM1, but under the assumption that it had stopped, and to be honest her communications with him recently have been fairly innocent compared to OM2. She doesn't know that I know the extent of their affair.
I'm looking at giving the screws a twist after this exercise is done and I can talk to a lawyer, assuming this thing is still going on, which I can see being the case in almost every scenario.
Could not agree more with Starsky. My D was probably the biggest factor keeping me in my sitch when things were going bad. Lies, texts to OM and so on. If not for my D I would have never put up with that kind of crap at all. Whether my W was "confused" or not. Everyone is different, but I cant see how you can just accept that and not say anything just because you had a good time. As good of a time as you had, seems like she is having a even better time.
Of course she is telling you how much better your M has been. You're not fighting with her anymore and she has two OM's on the side. Heck, seems like a pretty good set up to me.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Don't post (or give to her, or even tell her what you have) your evidence -- just say "I know all about you and _______, including _________ (maybe dropping some specific detail in this 2nd blank)." If you give her all your specifics, she will:
a) know the source of your intel;
b) lie to try and refute it;
c) assume (correctly?) that you don't have anything else.
There is power in them not knowing what you know, and what you DON'T know, and so they have to then assume you know EVERYTHING.
Make sense?
Also, there's no sense listing your "demands" until such time she asks back in to the marriage. To do so now just smacks of a "grand pronouncement" and holier-than-thou.
Yes, there is a legal principle called condonation and the rules vary by state. Is yours a "fault" (cause) state for divorce? If it's not, it's not going to really matter.
