I just returned from a 6-month deployment to the middle east, deploying only 5 months after moving my wife and I to a new town. We had made some friends here, but I think my departure left her feeling somewhat abandoned. During the early part of the deployment, it didn't seem to be going so bad, our schedules lined up so that the time difference allowed us to be awake at the same time, she sent a care package, and we still had intimate conversations via Skype or other messaging applications.
Soon after, I switched to my permanent work shift and got into a routine of working out, going to work, and other activities. Now our schedules were polar opposites, and we rarely talked for more than a few minutes before she went to bed or right before she had to go to work. I started seeing her posts on social media going downtown to bars and clubs with people I knew, but also with men whom I had never met. About this time is when she confessed that she was unhappy, had been unhappy in our marriage for a long time (her specific words were that she felt like she was, "just going through the motions."), and that this deployment came at the worst time for us and our marriage. She had said things like this before I had left, but I may have chosen not to take her seriously, or I had been so wrapped up in work-related issues that I had other things on my mind. She said that she wasn't sure if she could do this anymore, but would give us a chance when I returned.
The very first night I was home, we went over to the house of some of the men that my wife had been hanging out with. She was cold, rude to me, and there was just something about how she interacted with one of them that I couldn't shake a nagging suspicion that there was something going on. We took a trip out of town the next day, and at one point the tension between us got so bad we just had to talk about what was going on. She swore up and down that she was feeling the way she felt because she had never been independent and wanted to find out if she could make it on her own, and not because she wanted to be with someone else. The rest of the weekend went better after that talk, but I couldn't get those horrible thoughts out of my head.
The day after we got back, I had to check in at work before taking my time off post-deployment. While she was still asleep my jealousy got the best of me and I checked her text messages, specifically to who I guess I can call the OM. It didn't take me long to find two pictures she had sent of her in lingerie, and one of her topless. I didn't dig any deeper, and instead woke her up and confronted her. She swore that it was a one time occurrence, that she was drunk when she did it, and she only did it because she wasn't getting the attention she needed from me. She said that she and the OM had discussed it afterwards as being inappropriate and that it wouldn't happen again.
We've since had many conversations about the state of our relationship, but overall my perception is that of mixed signals. On one hand, she still tells me that she's unhappy, wants to move out and be on her own, and that she wants to be single/dating again. But on the other hand, I'm still getting flashes of affection, and she still wants me to hold her when we go to bed at night. We still exchange, "I love yous." I did go over the 180 approach offered here and just today our conversation involved me letting her know that I would be making positive changes for myself, and if I am the man she wants to be with then so be it, but if not, I need to be ok on my own.
Still, I'm trying to be patient, but would like expert opinions on my situation. Thanks.
Hi Rev, I'm brand new here too, so I'm sorry to say I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I can tell you there's lots of support here from many many people who have gone through the same thing. I would wholeheartedly suggest reading the DB/DR books in addition to this website and also reading through the old threads- so much wisdom and inspiration there that has helped me.
Remember DBing is about making changes that make you a better person and that (hopefully) will lead to your W seeing what a fantastic husband you really are, but be prepared for the changes to take time and have as much patience as you possibly can- I jumped the gun saying I wanted a separation before I really did and I'm regretting that now.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Starsky
I may need to review all the acronyms here, but does somebody only count as an OM/OW if the relationship is sexual? There is definitely an OM on an emotional level, and to be honest, she had another man (married) back at our previous station who she also became very close to emotionally. In this case I found that she had sent nude pictures to the OM here. She claims that there is nothing else going on, and that nothing else happened, and I haven't dug any deeper in her texts/messages to see if that's true.
The GAL-ing began a few days ago, and in fact our most recent conversation about our relationship (she initiated) had me letting her know that that's what I was doing. But at the same time, or as a result of trying to be more independent, she's becoming more affectionate, taking me out on day, "dates," (when I'm available), and things around here have just been more pleasant. I'd hate to get false hopes that things will work out, but it's nice to be noticed by her again.
An EA (emotional affair) is just as damaging as a PA (physical affair). In fact, for women, it's usually MORE significant if there's an emotional bond (as opposed to us guys who are more often satisfied with "just the sex.")
Either way, it's betrayal. And while you were off serving our country??? Grrrr!!!!
Yes this happened while I was away, but she's been having difficulty for the past few years. In the past two, I've only been home for a total of 9 months between deployments, training, and exercises. Most of that 9 months has been spent being miserable at my job and bringing that misery home with me. Still, I'm not using that as an excuse for infidelity on her part, just something for me to look at as a basis for self-improvement.
I've kind of implemented the, "Set Them Free," idea, telling her that if she wants to leave that I'm fully willing to help with the process of taking her name off of joint accounts/property, helping her find a job and transportation, and whatever else she would need to be independent. So far, she's still here.
Which is why I'm confused as to GAL. From reading the, "rules," of doing a 180 (this is where I first came across it: http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/), it would seem like even though we both live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, am I supposed to act as if she's not even there? I have been trying to reconnect with old hobbies that I used to do, and taking initiative on my own to do things rather than waiting on her all the time, but from what she's told me, it was my emotional absence that fueled her desire to connect emotionally with others (her words were that she's felt single but not allowed to date). So I guess I'm trying to strike a balance of sorts, trying to ensure that I can be happy on my own, but trying to provide my wife with the emotional connection with her husband that she's needed for a long time.
No, you don't help her -- find a place, etc. you say "you are free to go, but I do not want a divorce so I'm not going to help you run away from the marriage."
If this is what she wants, she needs to put on her BGPs.
Fair enough... actually she has been looking for a place and a car but can't afford either on her own. Sometimes I think the only thing g keeping her here is my finances. Dunno what to do about that.
