Putting my life back together

[NewLeaf]

I have so appreciated seeing the love and support in this forum, more than anyplace else I've seen. I wish I had found it months ago, but better late than never.

My wife and I met in college, were together for 7 years and then got married in 2011. We almost never fight, are both responsible with money and haven't had much if any real conflict. She started grad school around the time we got married, in addition to working full time, and being a martial arts instructor. I started to fill my time too and we slowly drifted apart. I kept telling myself that after she got out of school our lives would go back to normal. I think I stopped growing at some point and I'm not even sure why. I wanted to go back to school but didn't want us both to be in school at the same time, and I think I was just trying to make sure I was home for what little time we did have together.

In June I found out she was having an affair and got the ILYBNILWU. She decided at the time to break things off with the OM and work on our marriage, cutting back on time at the martial arts school, and we started to spend a lot more time together. I thought things were going well, but found out she was still in contact with him via text and email, and she told me I needed to let her go. We drifted for a few more weeks as she struggled with her decision and then last week she wrote me a two page letter and read it to me about what a wonderful person I am, how sorry she is about the affair and the pain it caused me, but that there is no spark left, and she doesn't think it will work, and doesn't want to keep hurting all involved. She asked me for a divorce and moved to the spare bedroom. Current plan is to go to mediation and also sell the house in January during the winter break.

I just started with a DB coach, have completely stopped the pursuit, initiating zero emails, texts, or phone calls, and have concentrated on GAL. I got into grad school over the summer, have been running every day, and am eating more healthy. Last week I took a martial arts class, volunteered for a town cleanup, reconnected with friends, and spent more time with my family. This week I've got more martial arts classes and a dance class. I've tried to be out of the house as much as possible, and when home been positive and have intentionally kept myself busy and out of the way.

The past several months have been gut wrenching, the pain I've felt is well described all over this forum, so I won't even try, but after months of pain, the setback of the ongoing lying, and finally the separation, I think I've finally come to terms with my position. With the past week of activities, friends, and family, I feel like there is a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. I actually felt real happiness several times in the last week, I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Regardless of what happens to my marriage, I'm excited about the chance to redefine myself, go to grad school, get into the best shape of my life, and build a life I can be proud of. I hope she'll see that too and want to stay, but after so much pain, I think I can honestly say I'm doing this for me. We'll see where this goes, just surrounding myself with positive people, having a positive attitude and turning over a new leaf.

Cheers

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Cadet, I'm working hard to stay positive and reconnect with friends and try some new acitivities.

One thing I've noticed though is the more excited or positive I am the more sad she seems. In moments like that she's asked me a couple of times how I'm doing. I know she means in the bigger sense but I've just said something like "I'm doing well, I really enjoyed martial arts class today". I'm not sure if I should ask her how she's doing, because I'm worried about where the conversation will go. If she asks first though should I go there?

[Riley]

Thanks Cadet, I'm working hard to stay positive and reconnect with friends and try some new acitivities.

One thing I've noticed though is the more excited or positive I am the more sad she seems. In moments like that she's asked me a couple of times how I'm doing. I know she means in the bigger sense but I've just said something like "I'm doing well, I really enjoyed martial arts class today". I'm not sure if I should ask her how she's doing, because I'm worried about where the conversation will go. If she asks first though should I go there?

This would be "mind reading", don't look into this stuff at all brother.

Time is money - you can spend time replying to her text or you can go do martial arts or whatever you have going on. What is the best use of your money and your time?

[Joe1981]

You're off to a great start. Keep focused on you. Male your changes stick. Have you addressed any complaints she had about you with your changes?

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Joe and Riley,

Have you addressed any complaints she had about you with your changes?

There haven't been a lot of complaints, or even hints but I think these are the three areas based on conversations we've had over the past 6 months or so:
-Not passionate or excited about things (PMA, trying new activities and reconnecting with friends)
-Out of shape (running/working out every day and eating better)
-Stagnated in career/life in general (going back for my MBA this fall)

The changes I'm making definitely hit on all those, and I know creating new habits and making them stick is the key. Just signed up for a 5k in October with some friends, and taking a dance lesson tonight. Thanks for the support.

[NewLeaf]

Dance lesson was a lot of fun last night. Got home and made dinner, was doing dishes when she came home. She asked why I was eating so late, told her I had gone out after work. She pressed me and I said it was a dance lesson and it was a lot of fun (it was, and I was obviously happy about it). She asked why I was doing it. I said I had always told her I wanted to, I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner, and went back to washing the dishes.

It's true that I've always wanted to learn to dance, I really do enjoy it. I'm too self conscious sometimes, and being bad at it for a while is intimidating. I find I'm much happier though doing things that make me uncomfortable and stretch me, it's just hard to overcome the initial self doubt.

It seems like the happier I am about something (martial arts class, dance lessons) the more sad she is. She's gotten more and more distant and cold, which is strange because right up until I started my GAL we were at least friendly and warm to each other. I know I shouldn't read into it, and am not going to change what I'm doing. It just hurts.

[NewLeaf]

W made dinner last night while I was out and texted me that she had "left leftovers in the fridge if I wanted it, no pressure", and had also sent me a random message about something she thought was cute earlier in the day. Hadn't sent me a text message in over a week, so kinda strange to get two in one day.

So easy to start reading into this stuff and turn myself inside out over it. Looking forward to the weekend, working on my GAL.

[NewLeaf]

Tough night. She came home and started talking about how se had me with some mediators and wanted to speed up the process. Was hurt that I seemed I have moved on already. Left it in a better place, but still tough. Going to be a long day.

[Gotan74]

I could tell you that you have to stop reading into things but when I find out how you do that you will be the first person I tell.

[bdub]

Is she still seeing OM?

[hope224]

You seem to be doing really well with detachment and GAL.I'm trying to work on myself too but i just moved into my friends house with a baby. I've been working full time and taking care of the baby too, mostly. I'm hoping by next week I'll be all settle in and have time to go to the gym and spend time with friends. Time and again my H will keep reminding me that he wishes he wishes we would be done being married already but can't get a divorce immediately because of immigration problems. When I'm not around H and his negative energy, I'm happy most of the time. I'm curious to read about your W reaction to your new life.

[NewLeaf]

I could tell you that you have to stop reading into things but when I find out how you do that you will be the first person I tell.

Haha, thanks Gotan, please do. I feel like it will come with the detachment, I'm just clearly not there yet.

Is she still seeing OM?

bdub, she's definitely still seeing OM, they work together at a kung fu school, and I'm pretty sure they still text at all hours. I'm not sure if she's still "seeing" him, but I'm assuming yes and just trying my hardest not to think or care about either.

I'm curious to read about your W reaction to your new life.

Hope, I had actually just read your thread when I saw your note. My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there is so much love and support and good advice on these threads. I'm new here too, and I've just been reading as much as I can.

As far as my GAL activities, it' the only thing keeping me sane. I've found running really doesn't help much, my mind wanders back to my sitch and it's frustrating. The Krav Maga and Dance lessons have been great though. They both demand full attention or I'll get hurt or step on someone's toes, so I forget about everything but the person in front of me.

I've also spent some time volunteering, yesterday I helped out my old boy scout troop at a fundraiser. I've met some cool new people, reconnected with some old friends, and for a few fleeting moments have been able to imagine what a happy life without my W might look like. I'm trying to make myself a stronger, more resilient person, because I think there's a better than even chance she leaves me. Maybe things go south with OM and we wind up together after all, but either way I need this.

As far as her reaction, she was really, really, cold at first. She said she was hurt that I moved on so fast, that she didn't think I was treating her even as well as I treated my old room mates. Was upset that I wasn't specific about where I was going. Hurt that I was so happy about it and that I didn't ask how the martial art compared to hers, since it's such big part of her life. We talked through some of it and seemed to be in a better place yesterday.

Journey is just beginning, and I know it will be really long one. Will keep you posted. Thanks all for the replies. *hugs*

[NewLeaf]

Went to a wedding today with W. Tough stuff, emotional day, but held it together. Had good conversations and laughs over dinner and she even made some comments about our wedding being better on the way home.

[NewLeaf]

A couple of texts from her today, and had a positive night. I had a great time at dance class. She came home a little after me and we had an upbeat conversation, and even some laughs. She came into my room after her shower for a hug before bed.

It seems like she's really warmed up since our conversation Friday night, it's almost like I have my best friend back. Baby steps, but can't help but be a little happy about the new found warmth. Sticking to the plan, focusing on my GAL and PMA. Just set my alarm for 5:30, gonna try for a 5k in the morning.

[NewLeaf]

The good:
-She's going to my cousin's baby shower next weekend (why? would be so easy to just say something came up, she shipped the gift already, and doesn't even like baby showers)
-She borrowed a book on tape she thought I would like from the library for me
-She's come to my room before bed several nights in a row for a hug.
-She's sent me several non-important text messages and emails this week
-Last night she called me on the way home just talk about something that had come up at a meeting she thought I would find interesting
-She asked me to show her some of the salsa I've learned when we were in the kitchen together last night
-She asked if she should reschedule a stargazing cruise that had been canceled b/c of weather. She had scheduled this originally when she was "trying to find her feelings again", and we haven't talked about it since she asked for divorce. I gave a non-committal, "sure, if you're still interested I'd be up for it." Booking confirmation was in my email this morning. One of our first moments falling in love we were wrapped in a blanket watching shooting stars with some friends, I have zero expectations, but I think it's a positive that she is interested in re-visiting that.

The bad:
She left this morning to fly down to DC for a graduation of one of her Kung Fu friends, and I'm almost certain (though have no proof since I stopped snooping and asking) the OM is going as well. They had been planning to go to this with some other folks from the school since before the affair was revealed. Graduation is in the morning, could easily have come home tonight, but instead staying over and coming home late tomorrow night.

My coach wants me to compete, ignore OM, GAL, PMA, engage her when she initiates and ask questions that show I'm really interested in understanding her. Trying really hard, and outwardly feel like I'm doing a good job, but I can't help but feel like a bit of a doormat on days like today, and I don't want the person I'm becoming to be a doormat.

[Nettles]

NL, you are no doormat. You are choosing to work on something that is very difficult with an end goal in mind. And the worst outcome you'll have is a better you.

A doormat is just there.

What DB coach thinks about how W responds to your detachment effort? From what you write, it seems to get noticed and W appears to try and draw you back in.

[NewLeaf]

Hi Nettles, thanks!
My coach agrees she's noticing, and wants me to continue to be positive around her and show interest without pursuing, not be available all the time, and continue my GAL activities. I feel like it's a really tricky balance between showing interest, being available enough to have conversations/show her changes, while not pursuing. She's been really helpful in giving ideas for navigating that better.

This weekend I kept myself busy and out of sight. Replanted the garden beds in front of our house, went out with my brother and some friends Saturday night, and slept over at his house. I spent all day Sunday helping my parents move, and went out to dinner with them before heading home. I got a few texts from W, one just letting me know she made cookies and I should "totally try one when I get home", another saying how great the new plants I put in look and thanking me for all the hard work. So it does seem like she tries to re-engage when she notices me drift away.

When W came home last night she wanted to catch up and told me about her trip last week, her weekend, and asked a lot of questions about mine. I was positive and asked some questions(coach wants me to show interest, since that was one of her complaints), but kept it light, even shared a few laughs.

All that said I know she went on the trip last week with the OM, and my love tanks is very near empty at this point. I just don't know how long I can continue to live in the same house with her, let alone engage with her, and be positive when I know she's still seeing this guy.

[NewLeaf]

So today I got this email from my W: "Did you want to go to this before our stargazing thing?"

In reference to an invite from a group of friends to a picnic on Saturday. It's from our core group of friends we've both known since college, and I'd really like to see them.

I guess I'm just not sure how to respond, I feel like it's an opportunity where she's reaching out to spend time, and I can show PMA, be engaging and have fun with her and our friends. For the first time though I'm finding myself unsure that I want to hang out with her for that much time.

Since the affair was revealed in June, seeing her and spending time with her relieved the pain and I was more hopeful with each interaction. Since September, when she stated she wants to go through with the divorce (and continues to see OM), it is sometimes just painful to be around her. I never know how I'll feel one day to the next. Maybe I'm just reading into it and she's not even really going to go, just asking if I was going so she can make plans.


I'm just rambling at this point, time for a dance lesson, going to go clear my head.

[NewLeaf]

Bringing the focus back to myself, and taking a look at my 180s and GAL. Some of the issues were explicitly stated over the past several months, others I've inferred from hints, or just identified as something I'd like to work on. Here were my original 180's:

Not passionate or excited about things, stagnated
180: GAL, dance classes, Krav Maga, volunteering
Results:
- Dance has been awesome, it has been great to meet new people, and I've loved the confidence boost that has come with it. Have another class tonight.
- Krav classes have been fun too, have never done anything like it. It's really intense, and I can see myself getting really good at it if I put in the time.
- I've volunteered at couple of events and it felt really good. I used to do stuff like that all the time with the scouts and I didn't realize how much I missed it. Will continue to look for opportunities. Also gave blood this week, which is something I've never done before, and will make a regular part of my life.

Out of shape
180: Running/working out every day and eating better
Results:
- Have to confess I've slipped here a little bit, haven't run at all this week, though I did work out a couple of times and played hockey. Need to re-focus on this and continue to develop good habits.

Stagnated in career
180: Going back for my MBA this fall
Results:
- Starts end of October, but have started the pre-work and ordered materials. Going to be a heck of a lot of work, but can't wait to meet my group and get started.


A couple of new ones to start this week:

Didn't do enough of the cooking
180: Will make at least 3 meals a week (and not leave dishes) I do enjoy cooking, especially finding new recipes, but I feel like she has always done more of it, somewhere between 60 and 70%. Figure I better start doing more of it anyway since I'll likely be doing 100%

House gets too messy/cluttered
180: Will leave no clutter behind and help keep things neat. We both contribute to the clutter, but both really appreciate when the house is clean. I've always been a little messy (sometimes a lot, my college dorm room was a disaster), so this would be a pretty big change.

[1foot2]

Wow, going back for the MBA is a big move! It sounds like you're on a good track no matter what happens. I too am thinking about returning to school, but my mind feels too...exhausted to think about doing it right now.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks 1foot2, I know the MBA is going to be a huge time commitment, and that I'm very fortunate to have the resources and support to even make it a possibility. I'll have to cut back on my other GAL activities for sure, but wanted to try some new things and maybe pick one to keep up with while I'm in school.

Trying my best to treat this nightmare as an opportunity and transform as much of this frustration, pain, and anger into good habits as I can while I have the motivation. There are some days when that's much easier than others.

Thanks for checking in.

[gan]

Hey NewLeaf - that is a great 180 list! Very solution focussed and targeted.

[NewLeaf]

W just announced after breakfast that she had dates to meet with mediators to start the process wanted to check with me for my schedule. Thanks for that, not a great start to the weekend.

I told her the dates would work, finished up the dishes, moved my laundry and left the area to get some space because I'm not sure I can keep up my PMA right now.

I've known this was coming, and I don't feel the gut wrenching pain I thought I would, more of just a defeated sadness..

[Ahoy]

I am so sorry, NewLeaf. Hang in there.

[NewLeaf]

So this weekend I got a birthday card today from w. It was hand written with a rather impersonal message about how she hopes I enjoy new adventures this year and find "true happiness". I guess it would have to be hand written since they don't have a LBS category in the birthday card aisle.

In all seriousness it was nice to get a card from her, and over the weekend she went to my cousins baby shower and gave me a full update on how the family was doing when she got back.

Have cooked a few meals and doing well on my no clutter 180 since my last post. I can't help but feel my feelings for her fading. Such a painful process to go through. I have so much respect for those that have
done this for multiple years. It's really incredible to think about as I sit here only a few months in.

[MrBond]

"It was hand written with a rather impersonal message "

Sounded personal to me. You're mindreading.

[gan]

NewLeaf, don't bother reading too much into the card. My H didn't send a card, text or call on my b'day one month after he moved out…but you've just been on my thread commenting on how well our meet up went 4 months on.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks ganb8te, MrBond,
I'm definitely reading into it, and parsing out every word instead of just appreciating that it was a nice gesture and moving on.

[NewLeaf]

Made plans to go have dinner with friends tonight. As I was walking out the door w came home and was getting out of her car with a bag of groceries (I wasn't expecting her home so early). I said hello, asked how work was, and I told her I was going to have dinner with some friends from work,(was kind about it, and PMA). She seemed hurt (I know, mind reading) and wasn't home when I got back.

I'm not reading into either how she reacted or her not being home. I'm trying really hard not to care, it's just that it was really hard not to think about her at dinner. There are moments when I feel I couldn't care less and just want to get the D over with, and then I have these moments where all i want is to go home and have dinner with my best friend. I feel like the end of the week is so much harder than the beginning, as I think about it most of my GAL is centered around the weekdays, maybe I need to step it up on the weekends to give myself something to look forward to.

[NewLeaf]

Yesterday morning I came downstairs and w was on the phone w/OM (fairly certain based on the way she lowered her voice, turned away and quickly hung up). I started putting my shoes on as I was leaving and said I was going to have lunch with a friend. She just asked "how are you doing?". For some reason I have more trouble with this question than any other. I feel like it's a temp check to see if she still has me on the hook. I responded that I was doing fine, but then screwed up and added a "why?", in kind of a "what's it to you?" tone. so stupid. She just said it seemed like a couple of days since we talked, and I agreed that it had been a busy week. Told her I hoped she had a good day and left.

She was distant and cold for the rest of the day but then this morning came up and said she was making eggs, asking if I wanted some, and then has been warm and friendly. I've just kept myself busy with school work for the most part and staying out of the way.

Have meetings with two mediators this week to talk about what the process is like. Not looking forward to that at all.

[1foot2]

Yeah I hate that question. The other day W asked "how are you doing....emotionally?" No idea how to answer that. This was a week or so after I began enforcing strict PMA. I just said "fine" but it came off so flippant that I felt I needed to say something else. There's no right answer. I know somewhere in there my W cares about my feelings but it's buried beneath a lot of other crap.

[Ahoy]

I got that question yesterday too! I just beamed and said, "Good! I'm cooking some food." (he had just dropped by to deliver daughter's book bag). I treat the question as if it is light daily conversation, not an invitation to go into the deep depths of my soul. I act as if the question is directed at how I am doing in the moment with whatever activity I happen to be engaged in.

I figure: if he wants to know how I'm doing on a deeper level, he will have to ask more specific questions, and also open himself up to being honest and open about his own feelings. I'm pretty sure he's not up to that task yet, so there's no point in me opening up to him and becoming vulnerable when it's a one-way street.

Let's face it: if they really wanted to know, wouldn't they be more specific? Like ask, "How are you feeling about our relationship for the future?" or they would just be honest and say, "I'm still really confused about what I want for the future. Some days I miss you and our relationship, and some days I feel really good about being independent and pursuing my own life. Do you feel the same?"

But they probably won't, and maybe never will.

And we have to be okay with those unasked and unanswered questions in the meantime.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Ahoy! I agree, if she wants to know more she can ask a more specific question, otherwise I'll treat it the same as if a coworker or neighbor is asking. Thanks so much for your perspective.

[1foot2]

Ahoy you genius. That's the perfect way to approach it. And yes, I do at some point want that deeper honest question but I know that it will have to come from her. She knows I am capable of honesty.

[NewLeaf]

Had the mediation meeting this morning.

Before the meeting my wife asked me how I was doing and instead of lying, I said that I wasn't okay. I said that I forgave her for falling into the affair but that I don't forgive her for continuing it while we're still married and living together. I told her I was angry that she is ripping apart our marriage and that I think it's disgusting that she's continuing the affair while we're living in the same house. I told her if she's going to continue it she needs to start looking for another place to live, sooner rather than later. She said that she didn't know how I felt and thought I was happy and had moved on. Some of that was rehashed a couple of times but that is gist of it.


In the meeting itself, the mediator was kind and seemed extremely knowledgeable, though it was surreal talking about wiping out the last three years in probably just a couple of meetings, maybe even one, since we have no kids and our finances are fairly straight forward.


After the meeting we stopped at our cars and she started tearing up. I told her that I hated this, and that I wasn't okay with it, and I got in my car and left.

I'm not happy with any of this, least of all my behavior today, but I can't keep playing house with her. I feel like I'm just enabling the affair. I never set strong boundaries other than that he wasn't allowed at the house and I didn't want her calling him from the house. I'm also not happy with the way I left it and want to send her an email, realizing this is probably a terrible idea, instead I'll paste it here and not send it.

WAW,
I'm not happy with the way I behaved today, but I needed you to understand how I feel. All I've ever wanted was to find a way forward together. It is true I have been happy at times in the past month, happier than any time since June; but that doesn't mean that I don't still have feelings for you, or that I want this divorce any more than I did in June, or the day we were married. I'm not saying I would jump back in and pick up where we left off, because I don't even know right now that I could do that. I just need to set some healthy boundaries and be true to myself. I feel I've tried everything in my power in the last four months to keep the road home open to you should you truly have a change of heart, I'm not shutting that down, I'm just not going to actively work to maintain it any more. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, but most of all I miss my best friend and the woman I married. I meant it when I said I hope you never feel this pain, and that I loved you more than you will ever know.

[Drew]

I haven't been following your sitch, but as far as today I think you handled yourself just fine.

I would just let it sit with her.

Don't send the email.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Drew, really appreciate your stopping by. Has been a tough day. I won't send it.

[NewLeaf]

She left tonight to stay with her brother for a couple of weeks and is looking for a place November 1st. Says she will let me decide when to contact her again because she doesn't want to hurt me any more.

[1foot2]

Do you feel relieved? Try to find a way to that. I would LOVE if my W would do that right now, I even asked her to, which she interpreted as me being cruel. Some time to yourself would be great for you and probably benefit her as well.

[NewLeaf]

I don't feel relieved, I feel horrible. I know I will feel relieved at some point, but right now it's just empty and sad. Talking to friends and family tonight and getting some support.

[Zimmy]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you realize that her behavior is totally irrational and confused. She definitely hadn't made up her mind about anything, and is very confused.

She is emotionally sick right now. Don't let her drive you crazy - it's not about you. I promise.

I am in the same situation btw, so I understand everything you are going through. My fiancé also said that he was trying to find feelings for me again, but that is impossible with an OP sucking away all their emotional energy.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Zimmy and 1foot2, so appreciate the support tonight.

[Zimmy]

Hang in there. I firmly believe she will miss you someday. Just continue to be amazing and focus on your self worth. She is a mess right now, but when she sees what she lost down the road, it will hit her.

Where are you doing your MBA?

[1foot2]

I know you don't feel relieved. I'm sorry. I prob wouldn't either. Just looking for a silver lining. Have you had extended time apart since BD?

[NewLeaf]

Hey I totally appreciate that. As far as time apart, we haven't really. I think the space will be helpful.

[1foot2]

Yup, be as new a man as you can when you next see her, and have some hope (maybe the wrong word) that several days without you reminds her of the intangibles that she is leaving behind.

That's what I struggle with in the in-home separation. It's hard to enact those changes from day to day. I wake up in the morning and immediately get on my guard, and get discouraged if I make the slightest "old move" before I've had a chance to check myself (or make coffee).

Try to see this as your extended incubation period.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks, I guess that's all I can do at this point, focus on me.

Zimmy, going to Babson

[jim0987]

In house seperation is hard. Everyday I see my beautiful W and feel the distance between us so much more acutely.

Some time away might be good if for no reason other than you have some space to process with trying to analyse how its being seen.

[Ahoy]

NewLeaf -- They don't have a chance to miss you until they are away. I can tell you that in my case, the separation has been a good thing. I don't have to try to live with someone who is in emotional turmoil and lashing out at me verbally with crazy pronouncements of revisionist history. It is much more peaceful (and clean) in my home. I do not miss living with H. Having space might give you some perspective on the relationship as well. It definitely helps with detaching. Best of luck!

[NewLeaf]

You guys are so great, thanks Ahoy and Jim. I think it will definitely help with the detaching. I was willing to live in kind of a limbo state where we were together and I was able to show positive changes, but the trip she went on with him a couple of weeks ago was a turning point for me. I don't think I could continue to live with myself going on four months with her in the house and carrying on without really building up resentment on my part. Now I really have a chance to be true to myself, to turn the page and really focus on the changes I want to make without having to think about how I need to act around her on a daily basis.

Thanks again everyone for the support. This would all be so much harder and more scary without this site.

[NewLeaf]

Feeling better now a couple of days removed. Big adjustment, but it is easier to have the house to myself. I really miss her though.

In our last conversation when she left I told her that I wasn't willing to be friends, while OM is in her life, that it would be too painful. She seemed genuinely confused about this, asking why and crying hysterically, which was so painful to see and so hard to not try to comfort her. She came back to the house at least once when I wasn't around to pick up some stuff. She's emailed me a couple of times, just forwarding things she thought I would find interesting. I haven't responded yet, and don't think I will, it was more just informational and didn't include a question. Don't know how to navigate this, I don't think I will respond at all unless it is something to do with the house or the mediation. I don't want to mislead her into thinking we will have a relationship after our divorce if she truly pursues it, I just don't think I can do that.

I am leaving tonight for Toronto for the weekend with my brother and a couple friends. Going to the hockey Hall of Fame, and catching a Leafs/Penguins game. Will be nice to put some distance between all this, shut off the phone for the weekend, and have some time away.

[Card29]

You're doing the right thing not responding. If you're not interested in an open R or a friendzone, then stick to it. Don't fill her remaining EN's through the darkness. It will only keep the heart of the A beating longer. And it will also keep you from being detached.

NewLeaf, I'm hurting for you this morning! But stick to your guns. They are much better than our instincts.

[1foot2]

Weekend sounds great. Go Leafs.

Definitely doing the right thing. Her reaction shows the reality is hitting her fantasy of her still having you to fill all her needs save for that as H. Let her feel that for a good while.

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Card, 1foot2,
Yeah I'm not too worried about her pain honestly, I'm more worried about the part where she gets over it and moves on.

As far as the Leafs, I'm a B's fan first, but can't wait to go to a hockey game in Canada. I watched my dad play every Sunday morning growing up, so it's always been a big part of my life. Seeing a game in Canada and the HOF in the same weekend is going to be awesome.

[NewLeaf]

It has been a long time since I've posted, but I wanted to come back and drop a note in here since this is one of the resources that really helped me get through some of the worst months of my life. I couldn't be more happy to see the end of 2014 and don't think there is any part of it I would ever revisit. It was a confusing, painful, awful year.

My wife moved out in November, and I haven't talked to her since, except to email about meeting with the mediator, so there hasn't been much to report back here. I'm currently living by myself in the house, and will soon have a roommate, an old friend from high school and college who just happened to be looking for a new place to stay while he looks for a house. We've had our first meeting with the mediator and are moving forward with the divorce, likely finalized sometime in June.

My GAL and 180 activities are still going strong:
- Dance classes: Absolutely love, going a couple of times a week when I can, learning many different dances and have just had a blast
- Volunteering: Have done a few more activities, also donated blood and/or platelets a couple of times
- Running/working out every day: Slipped here a little, although I've been dancing a lot and still get a few workouts in each week
- Going back for my MBA this fall: This has been awesome, love the classes, love my group, got my grades back for the fall semester and did really well, can't wait to start up again next week
- Will make at least 3 meals a week: Still cooking a lot, made a Kefta Tagine this week that came out amazing
- Will leave no clutter behind and help keep things neat: House has been spotless, actually a lot easier to do when you're by yourself, bought some house plants so I would remember to open the window shades and have enjoyed the extra light and fresher air.
- Skiing: Got out a few times already this year with friends and family, probably won't go to many more times between school and budget constraints, but a lot of fun.

Have also spent a lot more time with family, and connecting with friends. I feel like I have better relationships with them than I have in a long time. I'm definitely sad about the way my marriage ended/is ending, but I've come to a point where I am ready for it to end, and I know for sure I will be okay when all of this is over. I'm ready to take on the new year, move on and dance, learn, and explore new challenges. I don't know how much, if any of this, I would have done if I hadn't gone through this. In a way it really was a gift. It wasn't what I wanted, but maybe it was what I needed. I don't know what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time I'm truly excited to find out.

Thanks to all who put in your precious time helping people on this board, and to those just starting out, know that it really does get better, even if there's no possible way it seems like it could. You'll get through this, keep up with your GAL's and your 180's, and you'll be stronger for it. Wishing you all the best in the new year.

*cheers*

[gan]

Newleaf, Great to hear from you. Thanks for stopping by and letting us know where things are at. Sounds like you are in a great place. Good on you!