Putting my life back together

[bdub]

Is she still seeing OM?

[hope224]

You seem to be doing really well with detachment and GAL.I'm trying to work on myself too but i just moved into my friends house with a baby. I've been working full time and taking care of the baby too, mostly. I'm hoping by next week I'll be all settle in and have time to go to the gym and spend time with friends. Time and again my H will keep reminding me that he wishes he wishes we would be done being married already but can't get a divorce immediately because of immigration problems. When I'm not around H and his negative energy, I'm happy most of the time. I'm curious to read about your W reaction to your new life.

[NewLeaf]

I could tell you that you have to stop reading into things but when I find out how you do that you will be the first person I tell.

Haha, thanks Gotan, please do. I feel like it will come with the detachment, I'm just clearly not there yet.

Is she still seeing OM?

bdub, she's definitely still seeing OM, they work together at a kung fu school, and I'm pretty sure they still text at all hours. I'm not sure if she's still "seeing" him, but I'm assuming yes and just trying my hardest not to think or care about either.

I'm curious to read about your W reaction to your new life.

Hope, I had actually just read your thread when I saw your note. My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there is so much love and support and good advice on these threads. I'm new here too, and I've just been reading as much as I can.

As far as my GAL activities, it' the only thing keeping me sane. I've found running really doesn't help much, my mind wanders back to my sitch and it's frustrating. The Krav Maga and Dance lessons have been great though. They both demand full attention or I'll get hurt or step on someone's toes, so I forget about everything but the person in front of me.

I've also spent some time volunteering, yesterday I helped out my old boy scout troop at a fundraiser. I've met some cool new people, reconnected with some old friends, and for a few fleeting moments have been able to imagine what a happy life without my W might look like. I'm trying to make myself a stronger, more resilient person, because I think there's a better than even chance she leaves me. Maybe things go south with OM and we wind up together after all, but either way I need this.

As far as her reaction, she was really, really, cold at first. She said she was hurt that I moved on so fast, that she didn't think I was treating her even as well as I treated my old room mates. Was upset that I wasn't specific about where I was going. Hurt that I was so happy about it and that I didn't ask how the martial art compared to hers, since it's such big part of her life. We talked through some of it and seemed to be in a better place yesterday.

Journey is just beginning, and I know it will be really long one. Will keep you posted. Thanks all for the replies. *hugs*

[NewLeaf]

Went to a wedding today with W. Tough stuff, emotional day, but held it together. Had good conversations and laughs over dinner and she even made some comments about our wedding being better on the way home.

[NewLeaf]

A couple of texts from her today, and had a positive night. I had a great time at dance class. She came home a little after me and we had an upbeat conversation, and even some laughs. She came into my room after her shower for a hug before bed.

It seems like she's really warmed up since our conversation Friday night, it's almost like I have my best friend back. Baby steps, but can't help but be a little happy about the new found warmth. Sticking to the plan, focusing on my GAL and PMA. Just set my alarm for 5:30, gonna try for a 5k in the morning.

[NewLeaf]

The good:
-She's going to my cousin's baby shower next weekend (why? would be so easy to just say something came up, she shipped the gift already, and doesn't even like baby showers)
-She borrowed a book on tape she thought I would like from the library for me
-She's come to my room before bed several nights in a row for a hug.
-She's sent me several non-important text messages and emails this week
-Last night she called me on the way home just talk about something that had come up at a meeting she thought I would find interesting
-She asked me to show her some of the salsa I've learned when we were in the kitchen together last night
-She asked if she should reschedule a stargazing cruise that had been canceled b/c of weather. She had scheduled this originally when she was "trying to find her feelings again", and we haven't talked about it since she asked for divorce. I gave a non-committal, "sure, if you're still interested I'd be up for it." Booking confirmation was in my email this morning. One of our first moments falling in love we were wrapped in a blanket watching shooting stars with some friends, I have zero expectations, but I think it's a positive that she is interested in re-visiting that.

The bad:
She left this morning to fly down to DC for a graduation of one of her Kung Fu friends, and I'm almost certain (though have no proof since I stopped snooping and asking) the OM is going as well. They had been planning to go to this with some other folks from the school since before the affair was revealed. Graduation is in the morning, could easily have come home tonight, but instead staying over and coming home late tomorrow night.

My coach wants me to compete, ignore OM, GAL, PMA, engage her when she initiates and ask questions that show I'm really interested in understanding her. Trying really hard, and outwardly feel like I'm doing a good job, but I can't help but feel like a bit of a doormat on days like today, and I don't want the person I'm becoming to be a doormat.

[Nettles]

NL, you are no doormat. You are choosing to work on something that is very difficult with an end goal in mind. And the worst outcome you'll have is a better you.

A doormat is just there.

What DB coach thinks about how W responds to your detachment effort? From what you write, it seems to get noticed and W appears to try and draw you back in.

[NewLeaf]

Hi Nettles, thanks!
My coach agrees she's noticing, and wants me to continue to be positive around her and show interest without pursuing, not be available all the time, and continue my GAL activities. I feel like it's a really tricky balance between showing interest, being available enough to have conversations/show her changes, while not pursuing. She's been really helpful in giving ideas for navigating that better.

This weekend I kept myself busy and out of sight. Replanted the garden beds in front of our house, went out with my brother and some friends Saturday night, and slept over at his house. I spent all day Sunday helping my parents move, and went out to dinner with them before heading home. I got a few texts from W, one just letting me know she made cookies and I should "totally try one when I get home", another saying how great the new plants I put in look and thanking me for all the hard work. So it does seem like she tries to re-engage when she notices me drift away.

When W came home last night she wanted to catch up and told me about her trip last week, her weekend, and asked a lot of questions about mine. I was positive and asked some questions(coach wants me to show interest, since that was one of her complaints), but kept it light, even shared a few laughs.

All that said I know she went on the trip last week with the OM, and my love tanks is very near empty at this point. I just don't know how long I can continue to live in the same house with her, let alone engage with her, and be positive when I know she's still seeing this guy.

[NewLeaf]

So today I got this email from my W: "Did you want to go to this before our stargazing thing?"

In reference to an invite from a group of friends to a picnic on Saturday. It's from our core group of friends we've both known since college, and I'd really like to see them.

I guess I'm just not sure how to respond, I feel like it's an opportunity where she's reaching out to spend time, and I can show PMA, be engaging and have fun with her and our friends. For the first time though I'm finding myself unsure that I want to hang out with her for that much time.

Since the affair was revealed in June, seeing her and spending time with her relieved the pain and I was more hopeful with each interaction. Since September, when she stated she wants to go through with the divorce (and continues to see OM), it is sometimes just painful to be around her. I never know how I'll feel one day to the next. Maybe I'm just reading into it and she's not even really going to go, just asking if I was going so she can make plans.


I'm just rambling at this point, time for a dance lesson, going to go clear my head.

[NewLeaf]

Bringing the focus back to myself, and taking a look at my 180s and GAL. Some of the issues were explicitly stated over the past several months, others I've inferred from hints, or just identified as something I'd like to work on. Here were my original 180's:

Not passionate or excited about things, stagnated
180: GAL, dance classes, Krav Maga, volunteering
Results:
- Dance has been awesome, it has been great to meet new people, and I've loved the confidence boost that has come with it. Have another class tonight.
- Krav classes have been fun too, have never done anything like it. It's really intense, and I can see myself getting really good at it if I put in the time.
- I've volunteered at couple of events and it felt really good. I used to do stuff like that all the time with the scouts and I didn't realize how much I missed it. Will continue to look for opportunities. Also gave blood this week, which is something I've never done before, and will make a regular part of my life.

Out of shape
180: Running/working out every day and eating better
Results:
- Have to confess I've slipped here a little bit, haven't run at all this week, though I did work out a couple of times and played hockey. Need to re-focus on this and continue to develop good habits.

Stagnated in career
180: Going back for my MBA this fall
Results:
- Starts end of October, but have started the pre-work and ordered materials. Going to be a heck of a lot of work, but can't wait to meet my group and get started.


A couple of new ones to start this week:

Didn't do enough of the cooking
180: Will make at least 3 meals a week (and not leave dishes) I do enjoy cooking, especially finding new recipes, but I feel like she has always done more of it, somewhere between 60 and 70%. Figure I better start doing more of it anyway since I'll likely be doing 100%

House gets too messy/cluttered
180: Will leave no clutter behind and help keep things neat. We both contribute to the clutter, but both really appreciate when the house is clean. I've always been a little messy (sometimes a lot, my college dorm room was a disaster), so this would be a pretty big change.