Putting my life back together

[NewLeaf]

I have so appreciated seeing the love and support in this forum, more than anyplace else I've seen. I wish I had found it months ago, but better late than never.

My wife and I met in college, were together for 7 years and then got married in 2011. We almost never fight, are both responsible with money and haven't had much if any real conflict. She started grad school around the time we got married, in addition to working full time, and being a martial arts instructor. I started to fill my time too and we slowly drifted apart. I kept telling myself that after she got out of school our lives would go back to normal. I think I stopped growing at some point and I'm not even sure why. I wanted to go back to school but didn't want us both to be in school at the same time, and I think I was just trying to make sure I was home for what little time we did have together.

In June I found out she was having an affair and got the ILYBNILWU. She decided at the time to break things off with the OM and work on our marriage, cutting back on time at the martial arts school, and we started to spend a lot more time together. I thought things were going well, but found out she was still in contact with him via text and email, and she told me I needed to let her go. We drifted for a few more weeks as she struggled with her decision and then last week she wrote me a two page letter and read it to me about what a wonderful person I am, how sorry she is about the affair and the pain it caused me, but that there is no spark left, and she doesn't think it will work, and doesn't want to keep hurting all involved. She asked me for a divorce and moved to the spare bedroom. Current plan is to go to mediation and also sell the house in January during the winter break.

I just started with a DB coach, have completely stopped the pursuit, initiating zero emails, texts, or phone calls, and have concentrated on GAL. I got into grad school over the summer, have been running every day, and am eating more healthy. Last week I took a martial arts class, volunteered for a town cleanup, reconnected with friends, and spent more time with my family. This week I've got more martial arts classes and a dance class. I've tried to be out of the house as much as possible, and when home been positive and have intentionally kept myself busy and out of the way.

The past several months have been gut wrenching, the pain I've felt is well described all over this forum, so I won't even try, but after months of pain, the setback of the ongoing lying, and finally the separation, I think I've finally come to terms with my position. With the past week of activities, friends, and family, I feel like there is a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. I actually felt real happiness several times in the last week, I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Regardless of what happens to my marriage, I'm excited about the chance to redefine myself, go to grad school, get into the best shape of my life, and build a life I can be proud of. I hope she'll see that too and want to stay, but after so much pain, I think I can honestly say I'm doing this for me. We'll see where this goes, just surrounding myself with positive people, having a positive attitude and turning over a new leaf.

Cheers

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Cadet, I'm working hard to stay positive and reconnect with friends and try some new acitivities.

One thing I've noticed though is the more excited or positive I am the more sad she seems. In moments like that she's asked me a couple of times how I'm doing. I know she means in the bigger sense but I've just said something like "I'm doing well, I really enjoyed martial arts class today". I'm not sure if I should ask her how she's doing, because I'm worried about where the conversation will go. If she asks first though should I go there?

[Riley]

Thanks Cadet, I'm working hard to stay positive and reconnect with friends and try some new acitivities.

One thing I've noticed though is the more excited or positive I am the more sad she seems. In moments like that she's asked me a couple of times how I'm doing. I know she means in the bigger sense but I've just said something like "I'm doing well, I really enjoyed martial arts class today". I'm not sure if I should ask her how she's doing, because I'm worried about where the conversation will go. If she asks first though should I go there?

This would be "mind reading", don't look into this stuff at all brother.

Time is money - you can spend time replying to her text or you can go do martial arts or whatever you have going on. What is the best use of your money and your time?

[Joe1981]

You're off to a great start. Keep focused on you. Male your changes stick. Have you addressed any complaints she had about you with your changes?

[NewLeaf]

Thanks Joe and Riley,

Have you addressed any complaints she had about you with your changes?

There haven't been a lot of complaints, or even hints but I think these are the three areas based on conversations we've had over the past 6 months or so:
-Not passionate or excited about things (PMA, trying new activities and reconnecting with friends)
-Out of shape (running/working out every day and eating better)
-Stagnated in career/life in general (going back for my MBA this fall)

The changes I'm making definitely hit on all those, and I know creating new habits and making them stick is the key. Just signed up for a 5k in October with some friends, and taking a dance lesson tonight. Thanks for the support.

[NewLeaf]

Dance lesson was a lot of fun last night. Got home and made dinner, was doing dishes when she came home. She asked why I was eating so late, told her I had gone out after work. She pressed me and I said it was a dance lesson and it was a lot of fun (it was, and I was obviously happy about it). She asked why I was doing it. I said I had always told her I wanted to, I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner, and went back to washing the dishes.

It's true that I've always wanted to learn to dance, I really do enjoy it. I'm too self conscious sometimes, and being bad at it for a while is intimidating. I find I'm much happier though doing things that make me uncomfortable and stretch me, it's just hard to overcome the initial self doubt.

It seems like the happier I am about something (martial arts class, dance lessons) the more sad she is. She's gotten more and more distant and cold, which is strange because right up until I started my GAL we were at least friendly and warm to each other. I know I shouldn't read into it, and am not going to change what I'm doing. It just hurts.

[NewLeaf]

W made dinner last night while I was out and texted me that she had "left leftovers in the fridge if I wanted it, no pressure", and had also sent me a random message about something she thought was cute earlier in the day. Hadn't sent me a text message in over a week, so kinda strange to get two in one day.

So easy to start reading into this stuff and turn myself inside out over it. Looking forward to the weekend, working on my GAL.

[NewLeaf]

Tough night. She came home and started talking about how se had me with some mediators and wanted to speed up the process. Was hurt that I seemed I have moved on already. Left it in a better place, but still tough. Going to be a long day.

[Gotan74]

I could tell you that you have to stop reading into things but when I find out how you do that you will be the first person I tell.