So, last night things got interesting. My W and I were intamate.
We had a discussion about the state of our relationship earlier that day, and things still seem fairly bleek as far as the separation goes. I told her I did not want to leave, but I love her and respect he enough to give her what she needs.
It was def not the same as before though. It's almost as if we didnt know how to act(its been almost 3 months since we had sex), like we had to learn eachother again. I like to think that since this did happen, it's a step in the right direction.
Also, we were building a house when all this happened. She was not entirely on board because it was not reasonable for our income, but went along with it anyway because she knew that I wanted it. Needless to say, we are not getting it now.
However, I did mention to her that I will be looking for a house that is more reasonable for us. I told her I do not want family living in an apt forever, my kids are tired of living in an apt, and that she deserves better than that. I showed her some that I was looking at and she agreed that they were nice and she liked them. When I showed them to her, I said things like, "this is our room, this is where we could put your treadmill and weights, very big bathroom for your makeup, big garage for my tools" overall just included us as a family. She did not act negativley towards it. All this happened in the middle of the day before any intamcy.
Last edited by mandown; 09/22/1411:27 AM.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
So, last night things got interesting. My W and I were intamate.
It was def not the same as before though. It's almost as if we didnt know how to act(its been almost 3 months since we had sex), like we had to learn eachother again. I like to think that since this did happen, it's a step in the right direction.
Mandown, I don't mean to discourage you, and hope that this is actually a positive sign for you, but.....it isn't necessarily. H and I never stopped being intimate and it may mean something in the moment, but in the scheme of things it doesn't seem to make any difference. He's still moving out. Being intimate is my choice, others might make a different choice, but it's what I choose to do with the man I've been with for 26 years who still sleeps in my bed every night, and it's for me, not because I think it's going to save us. Now, having said that, once he moves out, then that part is over as well. Being intimate with a man I don't live with is not something I'm willing to do right now.
Well, what does comfort me is the fact that she does strictly affirm that there is no OM.
This is why I believe that it is a positive sign.
rppfl, coming from a woman's prospective, if you were the WAS, how would you handle it? Would you still feel the want/need to be intamate with your H?
Would you feel obligated? I feel this couples ith the fact that we are speaking of a home for the future brings about a positive vibe.
Last edited by mandown; 09/22/1401:25 PM.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
rppfl, coming from a woman's prospective, if you were the WAS, how would you handle it? Would you still feel the want/need to be intamate with your H?
Would you feel obligated?
This is a hard question and my answer may not be where your W is coming from. For me very personally, if I still lived in the home and there were no OM, then yes, I'd most likely continue to be intimate even if I were unhappy about other areas. Not because I felt obligated, but because I wanted to.
To me it sort of depends on what your s*x life was life beforehand. If it was good and frequent and something your W enjoyed, then why wouldn't she continue to want that? It's pleasurable and hopefully makes her feel loved, wanted, and safe. All good stuff. But it doesn't mean that's enough to overcome other problem areas. But again, that's just me.
I see. Well our sex life wasn't great. But It wasnt terrible either.
I dunno, I guess I'm just really trying to find the positive in all of this. Especially coupled with the fact we are speaking of moving into a new home. Maybe she is making plans with me in her future? Wouldnt it make sense for her not move foward with a new home for us?
I am now looking up ways to make our sexual encounters more pleasureable for her. I want to make sure it is the best it is the best it could possibly be for her.
I bought her a nightie that I plan on hanging up in the bathroom for when she went to take a shower before bed. Then I was going to have some soft music playing when she comes out, and apply some of the physical things I’ve looked into. This among other things to set the “mood”. This is somewhat of a 180 for me as I did not do these things very often. And by that I mean rarely. I don’t plan on doing this for a couple of days though. I don’t want to make it seem as if I’m rushing her, but then again, it may seem like I anyway?
Then again, this is all assuming she wears the nightie out of the shower. That would be a sign I'd say?
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
mandown, have you read Divorce Remedy? What about 5 Languages of Love? If you haven't I would read them ASAP. If she is still receptive to your love and affection, you should be filling her emotional needs however you can, but without smothering her. I don't know your W, but most woman can't be emotionally fulfilled simply with great sex, while it can be a huge boost for lots of men. Is she still steadfast on separating in Oct? If she is, then the sex is almost certainly not going to "win her back". Figure out what her love languages are and start speaking them. If she seems to reject your love and affection, and she does move out, then it's LRT, Sandi's 37 Rules time for you.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Also, stop mind reading, for your own sanity. It's good to take stock of her reactions to your words and actions, to see what she likes and doesn't, but don't try to interpret them in the grand scheme of things. Seriously, read DR!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I wonder how the sex thing works when it's the opposite. Our sex life was always good in quality, but sparse in frequency. Many reasons why, but my drive was lower for a while. Since touch is one of his primary LLs, I understand this was one of the things that lead him to cheat (no drawn out affair, thank goodness).
I've been intimate with him many times since BD -- without expectation that it will change his mind, but figuring it wouldn't hurt, either (and I really wanted to!). It was enjoyable, but I do wonder how men process sex.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I have been reading DR and I'm about 2/3 of the way done. I just recieved 5LL in the mail on sat and will start reading ASAP.
Its hard to tell what she is really feeling about the S. We spoke about it that same day and she still was adamant about it. But not long after that, her mood changed to positive when we spoke of getting a house for us. Im getting mixed signals.
I'm hoping that my knowledge from DR and 5LL i can turn things around.
I speak to my DB coach today also, I'll see what she thinks
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
In general, men are more comfortable with sex without emotional attachment and often gain attachment by having sex; women want to feel close, loved, appreciated before having sex. But that's a vast generalization. I think there are a variety of responses out there and it doesn't always fit neatly into gender categories.
Also, don't think that just because a man wants to have a lot of sex that touch is his primary LL. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Sex drive is not necessarily the same as LL, the 5LL book points that out.
