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#2486126 09/08/14 03:21 PM
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This is truly a roller coaster ride through hell .Just when things look a little more positive another downer .Theres been so much helpful info on here im truly greatful for it . I wish i dint have to be here at all . But given the choice who would . Not that im not greatful for the support here .I find myself emotional early in the week and numb by the end of the week .

I try to conduct myslf as if nothing is wrong when around her even though its very difficult . The silenc e is deafening and the sarcastic remarks from her about everything I do say tells me she has either lost respect for me and or is trying to look at me in a bad light to justify her behavior. Which is totally absurd in many ways .


Me 45 W 45
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I feel the same way dawgy, hang in there


Me 34
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S 8/2/14
D Imminent

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It gets better. Her behavior might not, but detaching, taking care of yourself and GAL-ing will help lessen the blows and in time her behavior will affect you less and less.


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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Dawgy,
Sorry to see you are in this situation. The silence IS deafening. I have used that phrase almost daily. More than likely she has lost respect for you. I know my W doesnt have much respect for me anymore. Shes an "always/never" type person and she has really swung that way recently. To her every interaction we have ever had was negative, and she cannot find one positive memory from our marriage. We sat in MC last week and I listed 20 positives and she refuted, dissagreed, or argued with every one. How can you compete with that?
The WAW changes history in order to justify her actions and strengthen her resolve.


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Hang in there Dawgy - I know tough weekends can set up tough weeks. It is truly a roller coaster that doesn't stop. Try to break that cycle and turn it all off. Do something for yourself and your kids. You can't control her and you know that.


Me-45 W-44
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Yep, it is such an "up and down" thing, I find. One minute I'm fine and looking ahead and the next I'm a sniffling mess.

I try to get it through my head that I just need to let the universe play out as its going to. I remind myself that "what's for me will not go by me" and that I truly, honestly believe that true love will find a way; I just have to sit on my hands and be patient while all the background work is being done.

There's no possible way a WAS isn't thinking about the one they left behind. It's just not possible. I need to give him something good to think about and become someone he'd be CRAZY to let go of!


BF:40 M:33
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T: 8, never married, no kids together
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Marathon, not a sprint. Don't forget.

I'm cycling in a bad way today, too. Hang in there.

(H is traveling to OWs city for three days this week. <nausea>)

Sometimes I wonder how the heck I've made it this far.

Then I wonder if I'll ever see light at the end of the tunnel.

To be determined.

Hanging in there for the time being.

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I agree MLP . it is a marathon. Ive worn out several pairs of running shoes already . I dont know if I can afford to by many more pairs . Dawgy


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Its an up day here in Dawgy land .not sure why really > I just feel whatever will be will be today . I wish I could maintain this train of thought . Ive just been hurt so dam much through all this I think my brain has gone into protection mode and is not allowing me to wallow any longer . I mean after awhile , how much stress and anxiety , sorrow , anger can one person process ? There must be a defense mechanism in the human brain that kicks in after enough damage is done . It s purely scientific thought . I dont know lol , i ll probably be down in the dumps again tomorrow lol


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So glad you're having a good day, Dawgy!

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Dawgy is doin ok again today . Not sure what is going on , having two good days in a row but hell , i ll take it . I have no idea what is going on with my W . Im so detached and when I get all worked up its because she approached me and starts spewing about separating and lawyers etc. I want to know how to deal with this . Because she still hasnt left after telling me the third time . I know shes scared sh$!tless about the kids and family and everybody finding about about her dirty little secret . The big A . Shes suggested to me if she leaves she doesnt want me to tell anyone even though shes going to move in with the OM . Dam is that priceless or what . She wants me to tell the kids hes a nice guy and mom just wants to be happy again . I dont even know how to process or respond to that . I just said if you leave everyone will know all . I wont hide that or lie for you . If your willing to hurt your children like that , im not going to spare you the grief of dealing with it . She slammed down her hand and said well i guess im just STUCK and she stormed out of the room .


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Dawgy, I feel you on this one. My position is that I don't have to tell anyone, everyone will figure it out soon enough. But I am not going to lie to my kids about what H has done, they aren't babies anymore and if they ask the right question, they will get an honest answer.



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Hey Dawgy

I have gotten to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired too (many times). At some point there is nothing left in you to put toward being hurt and anxious. At that point, you feel like there is nothing left to do but put it all aside and focus on working your way up - for you.

You soon realize, when you start actually feeling better and positive that it really is possible to do this. Don't look for anything (mind reading, signs, interpretations...) to bring you back down - you don't need that.

I hope you are still working your way up.


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Hi Dawgy,

You may want to consider reading Dr. Dobson's book Love Must be Tough. Great advice for situations like this, along the lines of the DR/DB books.

On the bright side, at least she still has a conscious that is letting her know what she is doing is wrong. It must be tormenting for her, but does not mean you need to be her doormat to make it ok for her either. You may want to consider changing your approach on exposing her A however. I don't think it helps to tell her you are going to purposely expose her if she leaves (this feeds her chaos engine, and notice that generates grief for you). Threatening her is like rattling the cage of a wild animal. Maybe tell her something along the lines of what she is doing is not ok and set some reasonable boundaries. For example this guy is not welcome in our home (The Dobson book has some good examples). Avoiding emotional entanglements with her is a good thing for you now, and implementing this is one of those boundaries that helps you keep your sanity in tact. You can't control her. No one can. Don't waste your time and energy trying. Hopefully the process will work itself out and she will see her mistake.

You sound like a good man. I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat (with the rest of us). Glad we are rowing together however. :-)

FunDad


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I have set some boundaries ,but we re not children ( even though shes acting like one , a spoiled one ) . Shes not to be texting him in front of me or the kids . Which im sur e she was but now i catch her texting in the laundry room or watching TV when she doesnt think im watching . Its like watching a child try to get away with something . OM is never to set foot on our property ever or he risks his saftey . Om is never to see or be near kids in anyway . The consequences of breaking these boudaries is being kicked out of the house . Exposing of the A to everyone . And the OM swallowing his teeth . Those are boundaries that I will not have broken . As for leaving , she can go whenever and I will sue for child Abandonment and custody and support . Im not putting up with her bull anymore . Ive had my fill . I retained a lawyer and Im ready to fight . I still want to save my marriage but I cant take anymore abuse , 6 months of the most mental torture a person can take is enough for me . Im ready to get nasty . Im just waiting for a boundary to bre crossed .


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Are you hoping to win your W back with those boundaries? Not texting in front of the kids is one thing, but if she leaves, you're going to sue her? Please tell me you haven't told her that.

Trust me, I understand your anger (especially towards OM), but your post comes across as very controlling and a 'tad' bitter. Deep breathes.....



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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Are you hoping to win your W back with those boundaries?


These sort of boundaries are the things that will make any progress or hope you've got disappear like water on a hot summer day.

Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Not texting in front of the kids is one thing, but if she leaves, you're going to sue her? Please tell me you haven't told her that.


The only suing you can do in this instance is suing for divorce. If that's your plan, then I guess it's your plan...but that's going to open a can of worms from which your R will never recover.


Is this "more of the same" behavior for you? Firm boundaries (IE: "There will be no working on US while OM is in the picture, period, because it's disrespectful to me and our M") give her responsibility for her actions. She has a choice.

What you're talking about is ultimatums and those ALWAYS backfire.

Last edited by Two Sided Coin; 09/15/14 05:21 PM.

BF:40 M:33
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Hey Dawg. Taking your anger out on her or OM will only push her further and help her justify her actions.

I'm so sorry man, I really am. Don't forget - YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. You are a good father. You will show those kids what true love is, and how a man dishes that out. It's hard to stand alone in the crap, but you CAN and you MUST. Here's the key - forgiving her now will set you free. Hard to do I know, but it's so true.

Try this: http://www.marriagetoday.com/overcoming-unforgiveness/

I'm only a month in and I watch this at least once a week, I know 6 mo of torture has to be grueling, but you need to find a way to get your mind back without being negative.

FunDad


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Quote:
OM is never to set foot on our property ever or he risks his safety.
- and you get charged with A & B and have legal issues.
Quote:
Om is never to see or be near kids in anyway.
- or what?
Quote:
The consequences of breaking these boudaries is being kicked out of the house.
- By what right? You can't physically or legally remove her.
Quote:
Exposing of the A to everyone.
- Backfires - drives her away out of shame.
Quote:
And the OM swallowing his teeth.
- again, lands you behind bars with legal bills.
Quote:
Those are boundaries that I will not have broken.
- All unenforceable. All trying to control what she and OM can do. All completely out of your control.
Quote:
As for leaving, she can go whenever and I will sue for child Abandonment and custody and support.
That is the one thing you can do.
Quote:
Im not putting up with her bull anymore. Ive had my fill. I retained a lawyer and Im ready to fight.
That is called D, not DB.

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Ok guys , points taken . I havent told her i was going to sue her I just told her she has to leave if those boudaries are crossed . Im not a fool . However it feels like if she leaves and moves in with OM i will never forgive her for that . To hurt me and the kids to that magnitude , Im sorry but thats the ultimate cruel thing a spouse and a mother can do to her family and right now I cant imagine forgiving her for that . Its just too cruel . Having an A is terrible but leaving your family and moving in with OM is unimaginable . If that happens I will never take her back and the marriage is over . I can forgive alot , and already have but I could never forgive or forget that pain .


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Hey Dawgy - you've made my day man. Glad your calmed down a bit. Good job! I thought my wife moving out was going to be unimaginable also. But you know what, the space has been good in some ways. It's brought a peace for both of us. It's a false peace because we are in limbo, but still, the space is working. It can work for you too. Just tell people she "Needs Some Space Now". If they ask for what, just tell them for an "Unresolved Personal Issue" (Credit: "God's not Dead" Movie). You have given her space, she gives you time, you protect her secret. Meanwhile, she knows that she's causing you and the kids great pain while you protect her at your expense. Not too many women can take that kind of conviction on their hearts. Later she comes back, asks for forgiveness, and you are the hero. Just like this:

http://www.faithit.com/wow-literally-wept-adulterous-wife-texted-husband-can-i-come-home/


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I can handle her moving out but not moving in with OM . Moving out on her own yes , space and time . In with him ? not a chance . Thats the final straw


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Can't see that at work, can you post what it says?


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M 8
BD 7/27/14
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S 8/2/14
D Imminent

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Here is the youtube link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjMeIHdXMew

I did not see a link to the transcript.


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Dawg: It may have to get worse before it gets better. Her moving moving out and not in with him only prolongs the situation and is nothing you can control anyway. Don't waste your time trying. It's going to have to run its course. Work on detaching, don't let this thing control your mind. You mind is yours, not hers. You don't have let her or anyone determine how you are going to feel today. This is the most important lesson I have learned in this struggle. Sure it's taken a broken heart to learn it, but man, I'm going to be a stronger person and better husband on the back side of this thing more than I ever was before. And what I have learned about love, and forgiveness, is mind blowing. Can you love her enough to let her go and do this to you, and then be there to catch her when she falls? She will fall, she will. Time is the only question. If you can, you are a man among men. Truly.

Be strong bro. :-)


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FunDad that was profound for me to read . Youve taken me from a wound angery soul to a compassionate loving husband in a couple sentences . I wish i had the clear mind to think the way you do . I just get so emotional i can even make rational decisions about this . I am very conflicted about her moving in with OM . I really cant see how I could get past that


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You know, our women can't help but respond to tenderness and self-sacrifice. I love this line that I have learned here:

"It's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way"

It's ultimate freedom. You are free from trying to control her and she's free to run the course. It does not mean you will help her, it's just means that you aren't going to waste time & energy trying to control her decisions. The PMA and GAL stuff helps change your mental attitude so you can help give up control. That's what I'm doing now, and it can be really good. There are of course low points where I'm crying my eyeballs out, but that will pass.

Hang in there.


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Hey Dawgy - rough day.
Sorry about that - you have told me to relax before. relax - don't let that anger get the best of you, teach your kids with your compassion and patience.

You said that you don't know if you can love her if she moves in w/ OM. Remember it's her journey and you have forgiveness and love now, you will have forgiveness and love later - you cannot turn that off. If you love her enough now, you can love her later too. The ball will be in your court to decide what you want.

You can still be the lighthouse. keep it up and she will see your light

It is so amazing how one-sided this fight is right now, but I read all the time here that it will catch up with her (I wait with you).

Thank you FunDad for what you have written today - it really helped me too.

Last edited by u-turn; 09/15/14 10:06 PM.

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Kinda tricky problem today . Our anniversary is tomorrow and i dont know what to do .Her parents will call and mine will too . Even the kids will remember . Can i get a card ? A simple bouquet of flowers or totally ignore it ? What to do > Im really worried and saddened by this .


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Dawgy, you may get differing opinions, but for my anniversary I didn't even acknowledge it. My thought was- what would I even say??

W's stepmom sent me a text and her dad tried calling the house several times. They still don't know anything as far as I know, so I didn't answer. I think I just replied with a simple 'thanks' to the text.



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My anniversary was the week after BD. I did not get my WAH a card or gift, although the anniversary was acknowledged in other ways (H wished me happy anniversary in the morning, and we met later in the evening to reminisce).

I'm not 100% caught up on your sitch, but I wouldn't have acknowledged the anniversary any way if my WAH hadn't initiated, especially if an OW were involved. Too much pursuit, in my opinion.


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Go simple. Maybe a card or a little letter stating nothing sappy. Your wedding day did happen, and you ended up with some good memories from it.
My BD was 6 days before our 15th anniversary. I bought a card and wrote in it " Happy 15th. Thank you for 15 years and 2 wonderful boys" and signed my name. She kept the card, something she rarely does. We went out to dinner as a family and created a few good memories.


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Thx for the input guys . Im goin with bdub s plan sounds simple and not persuing , just acknowledging


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Dawgy-I would agree with this too. Don't go over the top, keep it simple, but acknowledge it with something maybe from the kids.

That will help remind you too that life is not all bad - Keep the kids as your focus.


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Happy Anniversary! Have zero expectations from her. I turned 40 the week after my W moved out. Before she moved, I was hoping for some type of attention or affection for her, at least on my 40th. None. Luckily my work friends and my family helped me through it. My wish was a "Get out of MLC free card" for my W. ;-)


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Happy Anniversary dawgy. I agree a simple understated card is appropriate. You could even add, with all my love forever, if you dare. But don't harp on it. Actually best just to leave it for her - don't even present it personally. If she takes a lead and wants to go to dinner together do it but stay cool and detached. Let her set the pace and tone. As long as she doesn't start spewing. If she does and you need to take an occasional time out do so.
What are her LLs?


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i bought Roses and put a card on it . Thank you for the 27 years together and our two beautiful sons . love Dawgy . I put it on the kitchen counter last night after she went to bed and I left extra early this morning before she got up . I will see what happens when I get home to see if we as a family can go out for dinner > I ll have to see the mood and body language . The reason i got the roses is because ive done that for 20 years and it felt terrible not to do it . Im very emotional today . having a hard time not breaking down and crying . I love her so much and it all seems ruined forever . Dam....


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stay strong dawgy. We are here for you. What you feel today is not what you will feel tomorrow.


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Happy anniversary Dawgy.

Everything static in my neck of the woods. Have a birthday and anniversary coming up myself. Not feeling festive, and don't want to acknowledge either.

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So , we ve been sleeping separate for 3 weeks now . Its very tough on me . She s still with us but only because she doesnt want the secret out , so it seems . Shes very cold to me but every once in a while she lets her guard down and I see my girl . It hurts so much to see her then she vanishes back to the alien ive come to know .
I believe shes still seeing OM but im not positive . If I were a betting man I would bet my life on it , I just have that feeling . I want to destroy this man but it doesnt seem possible without making my sitch much worse .Although I seem to be at a breaking point where I feel Im willing to let go of her and get my revenge . I know revenge is not supposed to help but i feel a great desire to get it .

I see no progress and my sitch is 10 months old . Ive known for 7 months . If someone had told me 7 months ago id be in this situation , I would have laughed .DBing is hard , very hard but I keep telling myself D is much harder . I dont know . D seems inevitable when i start analyzing . Maybe I just need to detach even more , i dont know , Im just beside myself today Dawgy


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Originally Posted By: dawgy
I seem to be at a breaking point where I feel Im willing to let go of her and get my revenge . I know revenge is not supposed to help but i feel a great desire to get it .



dawgy, you know the verse/saying " 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay' saith the Lord." That means that I don't have to plot revenge, God will do it for me. And I trust that he can do it much better than I can. If you are not a religious person, substitute the universe or think of it as karma. Same end result.



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Thank you rppfl . That is helpful . I just need to believe it . Not a big believer in Karma but it does seem to ring true very often. Im not religious and I would like to believe that god /universe will look after this for me . I dont want to make the sitch worse for sure Thx Dawgy


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Hey Dawgy. Yeah I know it's tough. My W started her A 18 months ago, moved out of the bedroom 13 months ago and out of the house 10 months ago. I discovered the A 9 months ago, started DBing 6 months ago. The A apparently ended 4 months ago but she still has not moved back home and resists reconciliation. But I have made some progress and baby steps although I have occasional setbacks, like last Friday. But I pick myself up and get back on the program.

Don't obsess over the OM. It does you no good. I know you're in a very fragile sitch right now. You need to figure out what your role in this whole thing was. What needs of hers did you not meet? What are her LLs? How can you detach now and at the same time meet those needs and speak her LL. Don't let the A get in the way of you trying to draw her in. But realize you can only draw her in by backing off yourself. And when there is any interaction between you, you must only push her positive buttons. Try to find those buttons. Start with figuring out her LL.

You've endure much so far and I know it's a rollercoaster ride, but just strap yourself in because it's not over. You can only make this progress faster by improving yourself, learning, gaining more self-awareness and detaching from the sitch - being the best man you can be. Stop any wallowing in self-pity, stand tall, smile, put on a PMA, GAL and be the best husband and father anyone can be.

I know it really hard to do, but I believe it's the only way. Keep your chin up Dawgy. We're all here for you.


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Peter , im finding it difficult to fill the love bucket if im indeed detached . I agree with 15 hrs aweek to spend filling bucket but she doesnt want 15 mins let alone 15 hrs . I do find something particular about her behavior . I keep seeing glimpses of MY GIRL evry day or so . She seems to forget whats going on and then I see her then she realizes it then she turns to stone again . What is that all about ?


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It could be a softening of her stance. But that's mind reading. When you see these glimpses, be quick to give positive reinforcement before she switches it back to her cold A-justifying position. Maybe just a smile from you, or a light touch to the arm - just something showing your affection. Unless you think that's to much pursuing.
Oh yeah, it's tough to fill the love bucket on 15 min a week.
Keep up your self-improvements. Maybe she's seeing that and reacting to those positive changes. Baby steps. Just don't go doing anything rash that would constitute a backslide. I know - easy to say.
You can be detached and still be filling the love bucket. What are her LLs?


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Her LL seems to be touch and conversation which is next to impossible to execute with the way shes behaving . I think her and OM cooled a bit but yesterday and today she seems to be at it again . He is the real problem , if he would just buzz off and leave her i know i could repair things between us .


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Dawgy, I thought OW was the problem too, but the truth is with the spouse. Even if he buzzed off tomorrow it would take a few months for her to get her head around coming back to you, and that's assuming you do things pretty well in the meantime. Keep up the good PMA and best of luck to you.


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Hey Dawgy - I still think the same thing. If he could just go away and I knew he was gone, everything could start working out again. But I know that is not necessarily the case - it will still take a lot of work, but maybe she will chose to put her mind into it then. Who knows.


Keep it up!!


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Alot of confusion this last few days . She was very nice friday night and even better sat night , but things were way different on Sunday . Friday and Saturday nights it was my wife . I loved seeing her . It felt soo good . I slept decent and then sunday the alien showed up again . Why lord ? why ? This is terribly torturous . Why does she do this , why cant she make up her mind ? This is not what I signed up for . Dawgy


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Dawgy, chill. You know it's a rollercoaster and a marathon. Enjoy the good times and use them for positive reinforcement. When she drops away again, switch to your detachment, PMA, GAL mode. Try whistling a happy tune when she's around and alienized.
If you start thinking about the OM, stop that thought. Think of something else. The only thing you have control over is yourself and your thoughts and even that's a challenge - I know.
Review Sandi's rules. Are you keeping up with them?


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As for her LLs. When she's receptive, have some light conversation with her, occasionally giving her a light touch on the arm, or brushing the hair out of her eyes, IDK. But keep it casual and light. Keep a smile on your face. And look her in the eyes when listening to her.


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Hey Dawgy - just checking in.
I was thinking about those that have helped me and that I have read about as we go into another weekend and time keeps ticking.

I hope your are keeping up the fight!!


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Need some support today gys / gals . Feeling sad that things dont seem to be getting any better . My feelings seem to be changing which is very hard . I knew that if she carried on this A too long it would wear me down . Im so affraid of losing my marriage , Im so affraid of the impact on my sons . But I look at her now and I feel shame , resentment and anger towards her . Shes gone, The beautiful woman I loved a year ago has disappeared . I prayed and prayed she wouldnt carry on too long to make me not love her anymore but it feels like it is happening . How can I keep the love alive while shes putting me through this ???


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No support on the forums yesterday , but Im still hanging on. This morning was bad she told me it was over . Not sure why shes still under our roof .I had a major backslide on Saturday .Seen her at the supermarket loading the groceries in the car while the OM was standingtheir beside her . I had one of my sons with me . He said " Dad whos that guy there with mom ? " I pulled in and jumped out and began to assalt him , then to make matters worse my son jumped in and got a few licks in also . Shes been very distant towards me and my son now . I told my son it was a misunderstanding. I didnt tell him that he was the man his mother has be cheating with for the last 10 months . Its a mess and I feel like throwing in the towel . But Im no quitter , but my emotions have been on high for so long .. Dawgy


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Dawgy ... I get it ... I do

But everytime you assult OM, you distance yourself from your W ... and bring her and OM closer together ... she will only end up afraid of you and become more nurturing towards him. I hope you have read the books, and the forums ... you hav eto let the A play out and die its natural death .... doing these things will only prolong it.


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Originally Posted By: dawgy
I pulled in and jumped out and began to assalt him , then to make matters worse my son jumped in and got a few licks in also .


Whooaa, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that doesn't help your case. Get control of yourself man.

If your W continues to carry on an A, you have two choices:
1) If you're ok with living in an open M and waiting this out, you need to work on your detachment. This mean no more confronting OM. You work on yourself and display to your W that you are the better man. Are you honestly surprised that she's been distant since you assaulted OM? Do you think that earned her respect/love?

2)If you decide that you are not willing to live in an open M, you have to put your foot down. Decide what that means to you and post here first so the vets can help you separate ultimatums from boundaries. But starting down the D path is an option you'll have to strongly consider.

Trust me Dawgy, I understand the anger towards OM (and your W). I almost ran into OM at the grocery a few weeks back (he didn't see me) and I honestly couldn't tell you how I would have reacted had we made eye contact. Strongly consider the 2 options above, then post your decision here so that you can get guidance on your next steps. Like you, I tried a compromise of the 2 (I'm not ok with the A, but I don't want a D) for the longest time and it just portrayed me as weak, controlling, insecure...you name it.



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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Dawgy ... I get it ... I do

But everytime you assult OM, you distance yourself from your W


Dawgy, I'm glad someone understands you, because I'm sorry, I just don't. What is assaulting someone accomplishing here? Are you setting a good example for your son in how to deal with people? Are you making your W feel safe and loving towards you? If I were in your W's shoes, I'd run like the wind and take S with me. I'd be afraid one of us was next.



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With all do respect Rppfl , thats a crazy way to think . Im in essence trying to chase the OM away just like a male lion or buck deer when another male is trespassing in his territory . I would never hurt my family in anyway . Conversely to me I was protecting them from the predator and thats how i look at it . Now that being said i do agree that it was the wrong thing to do but my instincts took over and the male lion in me was chasing away the competition . Watch some nature programming . We humans are civilized yes but not so different from our animal friends . I know Im gonna catch a load of critisism for this but thats precisely what i need to help me . One thing my son learned was his father is no push over and he stands up and protects his family . If the wife want to nuture the OM , so be it .Its her life shes throwing away . And all do respect to DBing practices things were not working for me anyway . She was still carrying on the A and things were still spiraling downward for my family sitch . keep the feedback coming , its much appreciated . And by the way , I did what most men on here want to do to their wives OM . I finally snapped , and it felt good Dawgy


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Originally Posted By: dawgy
With all do respect Rppfl , thats a crazy way to think . Im in essence trying to chase the OM away just like a male lion or buck deer when another male is trespassing in his territory .



Dawgy, I'll readily admit that I may be crazy. And I do understand being angry. It's the physical assault I don't get.
With all due respect, your W has made it pretty clear she is no longer "your territory". If OM were physically attacking your wife - or anyone else- sure, go ahead and be the protector. That would be right. But loading groceries in the car?

Maybe most men do want to beat up someone in a parking lot. But they don't.



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I'm confused. You say it was wrong yet you defend it based on what a primitive animal would do. I'm pretty sure most of the murders in our inner cities happen from this mentality- protecting turf, etc. I don't think we should get into an origins debate here, but whether one believes we were specially created, intelligently evolved or blindly evolved, almost every leader of any of those views agrees that we should be beyond out primitive instincts.

Hey, I also don't blame you for your reaction. If I caught my W with OM, i might do the exact same thing no matter how sure I was that it is wrong. Who knows how much it hurt your sitch as a one-time occurrence, but I would do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen again. If even the threat of it continues to exist, it will hurt any chance you have with WAW, and it will teach your S to solve problems with violence and emotion.

I think you need to go completely dark until the situation is resolved- either she leaves OM or you finalize a D and then you have enough time to cope. My FIL cheated on my MIL 18 years ago. He is still with OW, has been married to her for 16 years. MIL was betrayed for no good reason and rightfully was devastated. But she never dealt with it in a healthy way. She clung to the anger because she felt she deserved it. The sustained anger has done so much more damage to her than the actual A, IMO. She is miserable most of the time, even though she almost never sees her ex-H and NEVER sees OW. Who knows how long this A will last, but right now, detachment, no contact and finding your happiness independently is the best thing for your self in the short and long term, best for our S, and best for your M's chances. You have been betrayed in one of the worst ways imaginable. Your WAW has done a terrible thing. You didn't deseve it regardless of the problems leading to it. But don't set yourself on fire to get smoke in someone else's eyes. You do not want to live a life like that

Angry outbursts in most cases will drive her further into his arms. Many women could even feel insulted, like you think it is OM's fault and she is just a dumb animal to be won by the conquering male. Who knows if your WAS has that reaction.


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"He said " Dad whos that guy there with mom ? " I pulled in and jumped out and began to assalt him ,"

That's the dumbest thing I've heard anyone do on here in a long time. You NEVER lay a hand on the OP. It does push the WAS away AND you could have landed in jail which would have made the OM their father while you're incarcerated.

"then to make matters worse my son jumped in and got a few licks in also ."

You definitely win the Father Of The Year Award. Great job teaching your son that it's okay to assault someone. What you didn't wasn't the actions of a "lion". It was a cowardly sheep.


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Very bold strategy Dawgy, I would strongly advise against any sort of assaults in the future but don't beat yourself up over it to much. DBing is about finding what works and what doesn't work, it's about monitoring and analyzing results, I'm sure some women somewhere would find it quite a turn on that her man still has the fiery passion to throw down in a parking lot.... Although don't do it again regardless of W response, you've sent your message let it lie.


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Dawgy - you know that was not going to help you.

Teaching your son in this manner has to stop as it will perpetuate this kind of behavior.

How will you undo this with him? You have just taught him that it is ok to assault someone and ask questions later. This is not a small deal.

You know she's in an A. you know that there would be a possibility that you would see them together. You must have prepared yourself for this in some way and be at some level of detachment to not allow yourself to lose control.

I agree that you should go let her and go completely dark for your own sanity. Really evaluate if you can detach while you are living together - I don't think that is possible for myself either.

re-group.


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I definitely could not live with W who is actively in an A either. I don't know how you've made it this far


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Hey Dawgy. When you walk in anger and hate, it only makes this worse.

Take a look at the jimmy evens series on unforgiveness again (google this). I promise you will feel better by then end of it.

You owe your W and the OM an apology. Two wrongs don't make a right. Something like this:

"I'm really sorry for my actions the other day. I acted inappropriately and was a bad example to my son. It won't happen again. I hope you can accept my apology for what happened. "

You do that - and you will be the one acting like a grown up. :-)

FD


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Dawgy, the night I found my W in a hotel room back in Dec with OM I confronted her and asked her to come home with me but she went back into the hotel - she had to talk to him. I went home, cried and drank a lot and then in the morning waited in the hotel parking lot. When they came out I took a swing at him but missed. I told him I would expect him to try and hit me if he found me f**king his wife. I've never hit anyone in my life, and as it turns out that still applies (not that I didn't try).
Needless to say it was a major backslide and I was the a-hole and he was fawned over. It drove her into his arms. Lesson learned. After a tumultuous week I went 100% dark. Then she came to see me.

I know exactly how you felt in that parking lot. Too bad your son had to witness that. I think it would be good for both you and your son to go see an IC. I totally agree with FunDad that an apology to but the OM and W is appropriate. Make sure you word the apology well. (Read Gary Chapman's "When Sorry Isn't Enough" first).

I also agree that you should go dark (except for the apology). This is a backslide, but may not be a fatal one. This is the time to follow Sandi's rules to a T. You must now buck up and be very disciplined. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Get some help from an IC. It'll be money well spent. You need some intensive one on one counselling. I got that in my early days after my attempted assault. It will help you. Don't be ashamed of getting counselling help. We all need it in these difficult times. Just ask some questions to make sure the IC does SBT as that's the program we're on.


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Thanks to everyone who chimed in . Well I got news for ya'll . Shes still at home and OM has told her he doesnt think its going to work between them and he wants to go back to his wife and try again . Guess Dawgy took a gamble and it paid off . Too many guys on here are acting like whimps and letting their wives and OM s carry on like we are weak Pu$$ies . I got very tired of it . Now I know there s no guarantee that the wife will stay . But my message got through to the OM very clear . This is not for everyone but the OM had no reason to back down while I was detached and i could see things progressing to the point she wanted to move in with him .
I dont condone violence but I honestly say I was beyond control . My emotions have been in constant turmoil for almost a year . No wonder I lost it . This is a small victory but far from where I want to be .
As for an apology HA! not gonna happen . I cant believe some of you would suggest such a thing . Think about what your saying people . DBing does work to a certain point but I truly believe not everything in the DBing book is going to work for each sitch .

Mr Bond I realize you are a serious vet here and I wouldnt expect you or anyone on here to condone what I did . However please realize I am a good man and never assaulted anyone in the past and I was truly sorry my son witnessed that and Ive talked to him extensively about how thats not the way to solve problems .And I am in no way suggesting that every LBS go out and beat up the AP but I am suggesting that the AP is a lot bigger problem than is suggested on this forum . Dawgy


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I missed the part where your W said she wanted to work on the M with you.



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Good for OMW. SHE is the winner in your assault (hopefully). Just because things ended between your W and the OM doesn't mean your W is going to work on the M. I speak from experience here.


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She hasnt yet . And maybe she wont . But she sures hell isnt going to with POS in the picture . Hes out now so we ll have to wait and see. This may start the withdrawl stage Ive been waiting for .


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Mr Bond maybe you can explain to me how my actions would be the same as a cowardly sheep rather than a lion protecting his pride . A lion roars and attacks the intruder the sheep lays down and cries and succumbs to death .


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Or she may move on to OM2. She's not going to be your fan for upending her life like that.


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Quote:
OM has told her he doesn't think its going to work between them and he wants to go back to his wife and try again

Hey, you never know how people assess their life interactions. I guess the OM saw the a$$kicking as a wake up call. It still remains to be seen how W evaluates it. If I were you I'd just be the happy-tune-whistling, PMA, fun guy around her for now. Don't even mention it. If she mentions it I would maybe say something like "I'm sorry you had to witness that - I'm not normally like that, but I let my emotions get the better of me." But I wouldn't bring it up.

You're quite the character, Dawgy. smile Keep cool.


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Keep us posted. Everyone here wants the best for you. Violence in most cases is the worst response. It usually drives a wayward spouse in OM/OW's arms

Let me recap the timeline and then let you look at it from a different angle:

- Saturday you assaulted OM. I can't really blame you for the outburst because I may have done the same thing if I just happened to catch them like that

- Monday she tells you it's over for your M

- Today (or yesterday?) he ends the A

For one, I'd take the ending with a grain of salt. It's been less than a day, and there are plenty of sitches here who've went through multiple restarts with the same OM.

Secondly, maybe the OM was finally pushed past the fun, honeymoon phase. He saw something other than sex and light companionship coming soon, so he was forced to chose between two real relationships instead of one real one (his M) and a fantasy R (the A). This would have been caused by your W telling OM she was ending your M, not by the assault.

If that is the case, the same outcome could have happend sooner had you set a boundary and not agreed to a cake-eating, open R, which is what living with her and trying to be her friend while she is openly in an A. If you had kicked her out and went dark, the A would have went from fantasy to reality for OM much sooner.

Assaulting OM is not a guaranteed marriage-ended. My neighbor recently told me about how, 18 years ago, he found out about an A between his W and the next door neighbor. He beat the crap out of him in the driveway, the A ended, OM and his W moved, and he was able to reconcile (before getting divorced 10 years later). But I don't think violence was what solved that sitch, either. It was the exposure to OMW. Now OM had to choose, and he was not interested in spending the rest of his life with his A partner. He just wanted sex. Your OM also probably only wanted sex and decided to end it once it became clear it was going to be more than that.

Also, it doesn't take courage to act on aggressive emotion. The real courage is doing what is proven to be best even when every fiber of your body wants to do the opposite and tear someone apart.

Last edited by Card29; 10/08/14 05:52 PM.

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You have a higher brain that a lion doesn't have. We're supposed to learn how to control those lower brain reactions. That's what makes us human.


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Well for starters . OM didnt end the A because wife told him marriage was over . She told him that six months ago . Shait man this has been going on for almost a year dude . He packed it in because he got his ass kicked by me and the boy and Im sure he was worried about the older boy too . You can dress it whatever way you want to Card29 but the bottom line is hes out . Yes I know its early and maybe they will get back together , who knows but hes got some serious opposition that he never really had before .
Maybell , are you for real ???? me upending her life lololo that is funny . Shes the one that upended our whole family , Shes responsible . What ever I did wrong in the marriage I accept but it was still no reason to have an A . She could have lfet long ago and then met him and this would be a whole different story . And yes she may very well move onto OM2 , OM3 ,OM4 who knows but OM1 has left the building .
And going dark wasnt an option when we are living together with boys not knowing the scoop . Peter my Man , thanks for the support and yes I agree 100 percent if she brings it up I will use that sentence . Thank you , that is a well thought out response instead of a baglicking apology . Dawgy


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Well, good luck to you. I wouldn't want to be married to you. What I just read from you is repulsive. You're congratulating yourself for acting like a teenaged bully and showing zero interest in your wife's perspective. Ick.


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^^^this^^^



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So Dawgy, you get angry and offend and alienate good people who are trying to help you? Why?


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lololo Ease up guys/gals . This is a forum for discussion . Im not angry or offended except by Maybell . Shes got me painted as a high school bully over one incident that happened purely out of emotion caused by my wifes abuse towards me for the last 10 months .I guess its ok to mentally abuse your spouse for ten months and they should not show any emotions or want to fight back . I acknowledged that is was the wrong thing to do . But it worked in my favor . Im no worse off than i was for sure .


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You can be offended as you want. I've been dealing with a sitch as bad as yours for twice as long and I never once hit anyone, let alone while involving my kids. I didn't restrain myself because I wasn't incited to violence. I restrained myself because violence is neither ok nor constructive, and my husband is not a possession to be fought over like a bone between two dogs.

And it has not yet worked in your favor. You are deluding yourself.

But fear not, I won't intrude on your thread again.


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Dawgy, what myself, Maybell and a few others were trying to say was that yes- OM is probably out of the picture now because of your actions. He came to the realization that his girlfriend/mistress/whatever's H has quite a temper and he didn't want to have to deal with that.

What we're trying to get you to realize is that OM was not your problem. It's difficult for me to berate for your actions when I have those same type of feelings towards my W's OM, but the important thing is that you realize you even though you may feel 'better' now, you didn't resolve any of the issues that caused your M to fail in the first place. Or why your W had an A. If anything, I'd take a guess that you took a pretty big step or two backwards in your DBing. I get it- I've had that same thought process you have now- if only OM wasn't in the picture...

I don't know the dynamics of your M, but it's hard for me to believe that your W was attracted to your behavior. However, you can't change what happened, but you can decide how you want to handle things going forward, and for your case, I hope you handle things calmer than you did. Be the spouse only a fool would leave, not the spouse to be feared.



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Maybe it was actually your S being there, OM seeing firsthand how he was hurting a child, that caused him to flip.

Again, we all want what's best for you and for every M here. This could very well work out in your favor. But if OM2 or OM1.2 starts, just be aware that violence is almost certainly the wrong path at that point. If she's impressed by it, it will be the first time. If she rejects you again, it's time to go dark or file.

And yes, it is possible to go dark with children. Write up a legal agreement for childcare, have all necessary communication through an intermediary, and one of you move out (preferably the wayward spouse).

Best of luck, dawgy! You were the first story I read on here back in July and it gave me hope. On that day you were full of self confidence that you would be okay regardless. I truly wish you the best.


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"Too many guys on here are acting like whimps and letting their wives and OM s carry on like we are weak Pu$$ies ."

That's your interpretation. Just because the LBS doesn't physically confront the OP doesn't mean they're pussies. Not to mention it's illegal.

"This is not for everyone but the OM had no reason to back down"

Seriously? You don't see why he would? Your SON attacked him too. That was probably more messed up than you attacking him.

"I dont condone violence but I honestly say I was beyond control."

And what if you had accidentally killed him? What if your son did? There are too many incidences of that happening in the news that you don't seem to be bothered by.

"However please realize I am a good man and never assaulted anyone in the past"

Until now. So you are no longer a "good man".

"and I was truly sorry my son witnessed that and Ive talked to him extensively about how thats not the way to solve problems ."

Sure doesn't sound like it the way you're bragging about it in your posts.

"And I am in no way suggesting that every LBS go out and beat up the AP but I am suggesting that the AP is a lot bigger problem than is suggested on this forum."

Then you haven't learned anything. Not only on this forum but in statistic after statistic, it shows that the majority of A's fizzle out on their own. That's because it's not the A that causes the breakup of the M. It's the individuals in the M that is the cause of the breakup. Not only have you not learned to change (which includes letting go of anger and resentment), you've left a lifelong mark on your son. If you think he's going to forget what you did and that he won't do that in his own relationships, you're incredibly naive.

Look, I understand how you felt. Hell, when my W was in her own A, I felt like beating up the OM also. EVERYONE feels that way. Just because they choose not to doesn't make them a pussy.

I can guarantee you that if the OM is out of the picture because of what you did, she'll find someone else.

Why are you even here? If you want a D, you might as well fill out the papers yourself and end it. Make it a clean break.


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Welp. You are redefining the term DB'ing to a literal sense I think. I admire your tenacity and drive Dawg, that's for dang sure; however, there are a lot of guys sitting in prison right now that had their moment also who wish more that anything they could go back for another chance. If you can get some help to convert that energy into something positive, it will be a force to be reckoned with.

FD.


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Well guys and Gals i appreciate all the feedback and I KNOW ive done wrong by being violent because it is risky and illegaland just downright not the way to handle my sitch . BUT I did it and I cant change what Ive done . You all have made it clear that it was wrong . And my perception of the incident is coming clearer now . I feel as if i was in a fog from that point until late last night before i truly came down into reality .
Yes she is still in our home and the OM is supposably gone . Where do I go from here . I feel I have to start from scratch . Im soo messed up . If I only had have shown up ten minutes later none of this incident would have happened , but just my luck she had to be there and the OM too . Why ? Why lord did I have to show on the scene at that time , I have the worst luck . Even if i hadnt have assaulted him and pretended not to see them I would be tore up inside still at this time . It s not fair that fate made me show up on the scene at that moment .
Anyway I truly feel like the ground is crumbling beneath my feet and Im balancing on one leg . What can I do to get back on solid ground ?? Dawgy is not a bad man . He never ever wanted all this , he just wanted a happy family living a modest clean , safe life .


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Dawgy, I'm the last person who should probably be giving advice, but I wanted to commend you for recognizing your wrongs and the desire to move forward differently. As I know all too well, it's easy to get caught up in your emotions and act upon them.



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Dawgy, take a deep breath. You need to calm yourself and get back to your plan. Sure it was a setback in some ways, and maybe there was some positive that came out of it. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back with the program. Review Sandi's rules. Detach. Spend loving quality time with your kids. Continue to work on being the H only a fool would leave.

What happened is now in the past & can't be changed. Don't beat yourself up over it. You can only learn from it. Perhaps a session with an IC would help you focus. I highly recommend it. I've gone to my IC after crises. It does help.


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What has your interactions with your W been since the beating?


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Very little interaction . But i will say before the incident she wasnt cooking for me or doing my laundry , Nada . But now she is . She made dinner for me and the boys last night and even kept mine separate because i like it different . And she did my laundry .But oddly she was making my tea in the morning all along but now she doesnt . She has me very puzzled at this point . I did tell her i had wished the incident had not have happend , and I left it at that . Anyway I know shes hurting through this whole dam mess and i really feel for her and i just want to hug her and tell her its gonna be alright . But shes not in her right mind anymore . She has told me she regrets ever starting the affair and that she never dreamed it would get so out of control . I dont think most people do think about the ripple effect that comes when an affair is discovered . I know she wants to stop this but she believes she cant . It truly is like a drug addiction.
I need to somehow control myself until she gets through withdrawl of in the event they get back together let the A die a natural death . But I dont know if I can last that long . My emotions are wound tight as a guitar string . Its only been 10 months and i feel used , disrespected , tortured , abused in so many ways i cant count . How can I go any futher .
I made an appointment to see an IC for Tues.


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I think at least one IC session is a great idea. The sooner the better.

You also need to develop a plan in case something like that happens again. What if you catch her with OM again in a week? You would probably be even more angry. Maybe some vets can give some ideas for a plan in that sitch, but I think you should be prepared to LEAVE immediately if you saw her with OM, OM2 or whomever. You should obviously continue to pursue detachment until she is fully committed to reconciliation, but no matter how detached you get, you are at risk for an outburst if you saw her with OM. I am by no means an expert, so I would defer to the vets or especially an IC for strategies to prepare and handle that.

Also, could you go into further detail why you can't go dark, especially if she restarts with OM, or starts with OM2? After this episode, I don't think trying to live under the same roof should be considered for a second longer if she started another A. There are solutions to any reasons that hold you back from that, and none of them have to involve filing for D if you're not ready to drop the rope.

dawgy, you've made a huge step to acknowledge that you're wrong. Have you reconsidered an apology? An apology doesn't have to validate their horrible, selfish A. It also doesn't have to apologize from blowing up the disgusting A. If nothing else, I would apologize for exposing your S to that.

And don't get too discouraged. As long as it doesn't become a sustained behavior, the damage can be limited.


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Quote:
She has told me she regrets ever starting the affair and that she never dreamed it would get so out of control


That's ^^^ a good thing. It means she has feelings of regret. I means she's not just carrying on with the A and using every strategy to justify it. But don't harp on this with her. You have to let her go through the feelings of loss of the relationship with the OM. She will grieve that loss. She may even bring it up in conversation with you. Just listen to her and acknowledge that it must be hard to go through those feelings. Whatever you do don't lash out at her when she talks about him. If you can't take it then just give her the time out T signal with your hands. If she doesn't get it it's ok to give the signal again and get up & leave the room & go for a walk.

Regardless of what happens in the next few days, focus on remaining detached. Don't let her draw you in to any arguments or heated discussions. When tempted to rebut any comments from her do the 180 and validate and detach.
I used to argue with W every time she brought up my ex and how she thought I was catering to her, but then I learned to do the 180 and told her it must have been hard to feel that way and left it at that. Certainly defused any heated clash paving the way for baby steps in the right direction.


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Quote:
i feel used , disrespected , tortured , abused in so many ways i cant count


Don't we all. That's the nature of the beast. However if we act on those feelings it'll just drive a wedge into the M. That's where the 180 works. Not acting on those feelings seems so counterintuitive. Like we're being a doormat. But believe me, keeping detached from the sitch and focusing on other areas of your life that are not in turmoil is the only way to get through this. You can do it Dawgy. It takes kahunas and many don't have the stomach for it, but working the program is your only chance.

10 months is a drop in the bucket. It may take 2-5 years to get back to where you want to be. Definitely not for the faint of heart. But the potential reward is a marriage better and with more depth and passion than you ever had before. Like we say, it is indeed a marathon. Patience, discipline and focus will get you through it. We're all going or have gone through many of the same emotions and challenges. I know it s*cks. Keep up the PMA.


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How about IC for your son?


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And an apology for Maybell.


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Hiya, Dawgy.

I am not going to heap more shaming on the pile here.

Instead what I hope to do here is to get you to turn the focus within and examine the root cause of your reaction upon seeing OM with your W at the parking lot.

Globally speaking, people who get violent (whether in words or actions) toward the other person, it mostly is based on the two reasons:

-Their needs are not getting met
-Fear of losing something

In your case, you probably fear losing your wife. Right?

In your situation, you are in pain because your needs are not being met as husband. Right?

Seeing the OM in the parking lot was a spiritual lesson presented to you in how you would have conducted yourself in response to pain. How you handled it was a spectacular failure. No two ways about it.

You are in pain because your wife is not meeting your needs as the marital home and has turned her attentions away from you.

You feel the loss of control because W chose to be with the OM instead of you. That angers you because the sense of betrayal is very deep and wounding. The anger feeds your negative thoughts about the OM. Then you assign "judgments" against the OM with negative labels.

What do we get here? A potent mix that bubbles up to the surface.

In short summary: You've given away YOUR POWER to the OM.

You did not win nor did the OM. The OM won because he got inside your head space and took away your own power. You are SO SO MUCH better than the OM....really.

You gave your own power away by engaging in lower level emotions which are anger and rage. Then you have the brass to declare to all sundry here that you "just couldn't help it...or couldn't control it."

BULL!

Seeing the OM at the parking lot was not the real root of the outburst.

It was your inner pain in response to the event (seeing OM together with W) that is the root of your reaction. Raw pain. Raw wound. You did not like feeling your own pain at all. You wanted it all to go away NOW...right there.

Instead you transferred your pain to the OM by beating him up. That is not animalistic instinct as you claim here, Dawgy. You CHOSE not to exercise the self-control to step back or drive away from the parking lot. THIS IS ON YOU. ALONE.

What puts humans a notch above animals are the ability to use:

-Reasoning
-Logic

Let's go back to what I said earlier:

You gave your own power away by engaging in lower level emotions which are anger and rage. Then you have the brass to declare to all sundry here that you "just couldn't help it...or couldn't control it."

Please note that I did not say "feel" those emotions up there. We all have felt those emotions at one time or another (or 100x). Ohhh boy...I did entertain a dozen fantasies about landing a right hook on Ms. Wonka's OW!

This isn't a male or female thing. Or the UFC arena. What were you really 'defending' here, Dawgy?

In reality, nothing really.

You were feeling the loss of control over this situation--your W choosing not to be with you. All of this was the mistaken belief that honor was a play here and that you had to "defend" whatever perceived 'honor' there was. It is all on you on how to assign "judgments" to others--even your own wife too.

It was just your pride. It's as simple as that.

Some general questions for you to consider....

-What kind of man do you want to be to your W?

-What kind of father do you want to be to your children?

-What lessons are you passing on here?

For a minute...you might want to sacrifice your "position" for a bit while and take a look it at from W's perspective through her lens. Then you'll find a deeper understanding, awareness, or enlightenment.

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Very sober analysis, Wonka. Dawgy, you'd do well to follow Wonka's lead here.


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Well today guys and gals I'd like to thank you for the input .Mr Bond I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be . When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family . And as for an apology to Maybell . Not a chance . i have nothing to apologize to her for . She labelled me with a complete one sided view making me out to be the bad person totally exempting the W of any responsibility . Remember how this got started??? She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point .
Anyway Im the one whos heart is hardening . As a matter of fact the way i feel today she can go pound sand up her A$$ and I am currently looking for ways to come out on top . Yes thats right I am now talking the big D . Im so tired of being disrespected and hurt and being treated like a piece of garbage i want her out . Im moving on with a new life for me and my sons without her . Ive finally seen that I cant forgive her for the constant pain shes inflicted on me for 8 months . I truly was hoping I could last longer and make it through , but anger has shown up to replace loss and bewilderment . The anger is very heavy and the D process is going to be very nasty from what i can tell . I just so heartbroken for me and my sons . More so for my boys . They never deserved any of this . Shame on her for harming her own flesh and blood . But she was given a fair amount of time to make things right and was tooo dam selfish and only concerned with her so called happiness . Well we will see how happy she will be out of her home , paying child support to two young men that wont be able to look her in the eye . Dam ... What a tradgedy Dawgy


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If BigD is what you want, it is definitely warranted. Can't blame you. But that I would put "reconciling your anger" near or at the top of your to-do list. If you hold on to that, it will burn a hole in the remainder of your life and your sons'. My MIL went through it 20 years ago, never let go of the anger, and she is a shell of what she was. It also messed up my W, and I think partially has a hand in how quick she was to give up on our M.

I'm not saying you're wrong to be mad, just that you should not cling to that righteous anger. It will tear you apart. "Do not set yourself on fire to get smoke in another's eyes."


Me 38, WAW 30
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T 8 years
M 3 years
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I would also advise not to make any decisions while you are angry. Wait a few days until you're not feeling so emotional.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
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D final 5/15...
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Dawgy,

Your anger and self-righteous indignation is oozing out of your post from every orifice imaginable. I could easily put my finger on the screen and wipe it off.

I do feel for you. We all get it, buddy.

Originally Posted By: dawgy
I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be . When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family.


This is incredibly judgmental. And it comes out as if you are really wanting your own son to see what a "bad" woman your wife is....so it will all make you look better in your son's eyes? To what end do you hope to achieve by taking this stance?

In my view, you are holding on to a ton of resentment and keeping a scorecard that isn't helping your case at all. Why not work on forgiveness and learn to let go of that pain. It is only HURTING you...it is slowly poisoning your thought process.

Originally Posted By: dawgy
Remember how this got started??? She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point .


A gentle reminder that you're preaching to the choir here. We all are the LBSes with WASes who are in affairs. Many of us have come out of this awful crucible with stronger marriages. It can be done and it has been done. If you follow DBing principles laid out here. You're tooo angry with your sense of pride being bruised badly. I get that!!! Totally.

Originally Posted By: dawgy
Shame on her for harming her own flesh and blood . But she was given a fair amount of time to make things right and was tooo dam selfish and only concerned with her so called happiness . Well we will see how happy she will be out of her home , paying child support to two young men that wont be able to look her in the eye . Dam ... What a tradgedy Dawgy


I find that this type of finger wagging is a form of deflection to avoid looking into your contribution to the M's demise. You had a role in this: 50%. Yep. You.

Man up...and start owning up to your part in this situation. You're too busy walking around crying "I've been so wronged that W MUST pay!!!" that you are really overlooking your part in all of this.

Slow down. Your anger is really clouding your rational thought process.

Why don't you get away for a while and go out in nature for some reflection & introspection.

Lose the scorecard, Dawgy.

Bond stood for his wife for THREE LONG YEARS...and he's now happily reconciled with his whole family intact.

Do you love your wife enough to set aside your pride and work through this? It's up to you.

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I would like to give some advice, But sadly I think Dawgy needs to hit rock bottom himself before he will be receptive. I can relate to the anger .. I too had it and then some ... took being alone in a rented room and finding God to help release it and realize I was just as much to blame for my broken M as she was

Dawgy .. I hope you well


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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"Mr Bond I will defintely take son to IC after he finds out what a disappointment his mother turned out to be ."

Nice way to portray your W.

"When he finds out she s been running around like a tramp cheating on his father and spending time and money on the man who is helping her tear apart our family ."

Nice again.

"And as for an apology to Maybell . Not a chance . i have nothing to apologize to her for . She labelled me with a complete one sided view making me out to be the bad person totally exempting the W of any responsibility ."

Actually no. She was calling you out on your bad behavior. This has nothing to do with you your W. It was your choice to beat the OM. Not your W's.

"Remember how this got started???"

Yeah. Both her AND you messed up in your M.

"She has been cheating on her family in case any of you forgot that point ."

Gee, as if that didn't occur to me.

Look, I get it. I had to deal with the same thing. In fact, worse than you, so don't go and act all self-righteous. Everyone here can see that the anger is consuming you. That's what everyone has been trying to encourage you to avoid.

But it's you choice. You can keep calling your W a b*tch, a h*, or whatever else you want. It makes you a worse person than she. You couldn't do it for her so she went to someone else. Go ahead and file.

Do you know how many people come back here on the boards after their first marriages didn't work out and their second ones sucked as well? Plenty. They all do the same thing you are doing right now. Holding onto anger and self-righteousness. You have a chance to change it.

But again, it's your choice. If you don't want to, then go ahead and tell your son that his mother is a whore and then file for a D. I mean after you had him help you beat up the OM (even if you didn't tell him to, that's what his impression is), you pretty much painted the picture of his mom being a slut. Wow. How would you like to think of YOUR mom as a slut? That's what you just did.

Congratulations! Time to find a new wife!


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi Dawgy.
You're going through a rough patch, that's for sure.
I would take Wonka's advice and take a break - spend a day in nature.
Read from the book Tao Te Ching (English translation by Stephen Mitchell) - it has a calming influence.
And just realize the folks on this forum are all just trying to help you get through this. We all know it's not easy.
I found talking to my IC helped me a lot - dealing with my emotions. Well worth the expense.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
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dawgy, let me give you a little more insight into my in-laws. Not only did the anger tear up my MIL, but all of her hatred for my FIL eventually made my W somewhat bitter towards my MIL. She now has a better relationship with her dad (the one who cheated and left) than she does with her mom. I'm sure their M fell apart with equal blame up until he cheated. He (and your W) were wrong for pursuing an A while still married, but they also both feel/felt justified in their actions at SOME point. My FIL probably had many chances to place blame on MIL in front of my W, but he never did. Meanwhile, MIL harbored that hate and never missed a chance to take a jab at FIL. For the first few years, my W was probably like your S, on the LBS's side 100%. But move 10 years down the road, the pain from the A fades quite a bit in the child, yet they still see the bitterness of the LBS. It hit home with my W one night on my FIL's 60th bday. His two D's and his two sS's (along with me) surprised him for dinner (everyone was from out of town). It was a truly magical evening. At the end, FIL was hugging his D's probably for the first time in 15 years and was crying in their shoulders, expressing regret for what kind of father he had been. My W was so incredibly touched. Later she told my MIL about it and MIL just responded coldly, "He never seemed to care that much when he was here." It ruined W's night and that was the start of the decay of their R, in my opinion.

Regardless of what happens with your M, you need to really decide if that's the kind of path you want to start walking down with your S.


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BD 8/20/23
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Thank you Mr. Bond ,Wonka ,Peter ,Card. You have given me alot to think about . Yes Im pulling my horns back in . For several reasons . I had a dream last night , very vivid . My wife came to me and was crying and she hugged me and said she was so sorry and asked if i could ever forgive her . I want that dream to be reality sooo badly . But hence i know its not likely . It did make me feel sad and less angry . Also alot of what you people have been saying has sunk in . My emotions are so out of control I dont know how to get them back in check . A Day in nature will defintely happen .
Mr Bond Im happy to hear your sitch worked out for you and your family .After 3 years ?? Man you must be one strong individual . However Im not so sure your sitch was any worse than mine . Did you walk in on your wife and OM naked on a bed having sex ??? Try to get that image out of your head . For that reason alone I wonder how we can ever reconcile . Its been a brutal 8 months and I feel like Ive been through hell and back .To think about going another two years makes me dizzy . Dawgy


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A day in nature will help temporarily, but you need to do some serious work, too. At least one session with an IC seems necessary in your sitch. Make your focus YOU and not your WAW now. Maybe this can motivate you to do that: If you don't take advantage of this crisis and make positive, permanent changes in yourself, even if she does come back it will almost certainly fall back apart at some point. That was the thought the kicked me off of the pity train and onto the path of self progress.

As MWD says, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Don't sit around being the old dawgy, whether it's while she's running around, during/after reconciliation, or in a new R with someone else in the future. Roll up your sleeves, find some professional help and get to work.


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BD 8/20/23
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Mlp , where are you . I miss your kind and intellegent insight . If youve been reading please chime in . Dawgy


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
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W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Tarheel I forgot to mention you in my thank yous . Your points are well received . I know you ve been here for awhile . Do you have an opinion when its too late , its over and time to move on ? Dawgy . Ps everyone , I went to IC yesterday morning and thats when i decided D looked inevitable . Counsellor figured so


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Dawgy I have read your posts and it's tough. Your child comes first. End of. Your an adult and need to show you child the best you He needs a father he needs you to be there. I read what you did and can understand the feelings and emotions but as everyone else said it didn't achieve anything. It's happened it's over and learn from it. Only you can decide when to call it over. I struggle every day but I see my children and their happiness is what comes first. Take time relax back from it and think about what you want. Choose a path and stick with it. You may get what you want maybe not but all the journey you will be working on you and be the best you can be for you and you son. Take care

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I'm a very emotional and hot-headed person. I can be counted on to react first and regret it later. Or at least, I could -- I'm making it one of my 180s.

Now, when I'm in a situation where I'd usually just let the storm consume me and then feel sheepish and stupid later, I try to remind myself that losing my long term wants (a better, healthier relationship with BF , if he ever decides he wants one) for my emotions of the moment just isn't worth it.

I get you, though; it's really hard to maintain control in the moment when all that anger and hurt is sweeping through you.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Originally Posted By: dawgy
Tarheel I forgot to mention you in my thank yous . Your points are well received . I know you ve been here for awhile . Do you have an opinion when its too late , its over and time to move on ? Dawgy . Ps everyone , I went to IC yesterday morning and thats when i decided D looked inevitable . Counsellor figured so

Dawgy, I, like everyone else on here want to help. Although sometimes it can come across as attacking you, know that we're just providing an honest outside view of your sitch and role in the M.

Yes, I have been here for a while- over 1 yr since S and if you would have asked me the day after BD, I would have told you 'no way this lasts longer than 3 mos.' Which just goes to show you- it's not over until you're ready for it to be over. Only you can make that call. But understand that your feelings will go from one extreme to the other on any given day. At least mine have. Continue to work on only the things that you can control- yourself. I understand that you want your W to suffer for her actions (as I once wanted my W to), but it's not your 'role' to punish her.

You've been provided some great advice lately (IC, apologizing to your W, losing the scorecard, etc). What do you have to lose by taking that advice and seeing where it gets you, as clearly your way is not working. Hang in there!



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