Not much progress

[dawgy]

Dawgy is doin ok again today . Not sure what is going on , having two good days in a row but hell , i ll take it . I have no idea what is going on with my W . Im so detached and when I get all worked up its because she approached me and starts spewing about separating and lawyers etc. I want to know how to deal with this . Because she still hasnt left after telling me the third time . I know shes scared sh$!tless about the kids and family and everybody finding about about her dirty little secret . The big A . Shes suggested to me if she leaves she doesnt want me to tell anyone even though shes going to move in with the OM . Dam is that priceless or what . She wants me to tell the kids hes a nice guy and mom just wants to be happy again . I dont even know how to process or respond to that . I just said if you leave everyone will know all . I wont hide that or lie for you . If your willing to hurt your children like that , im not going to spare you the grief of dealing with it . She slammed down her hand and said well i guess im just STUCK and she stormed out of the room .

[SunnyB]

Dawgy, I feel you on this one. My position is that I don't have to tell anyone, everyone will figure it out soon enough. But I am not going to lie to my kids about what H has done, they aren't babies anymore and if they ask the right question, they will get an honest answer.

[u-turn]

Hey Dawgy

I have gotten to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired too (many times). At some point there is nothing left in you to put toward being hurt and anxious. At that point, you feel like there is nothing left to do but put it all aside and focus on working your way up - for you.

You soon realize, when you start actually feeling better and positive that it really is possible to do this. Don't look for anything (mind reading, signs, interpretations...) to bring you back down - you don't need that.

I hope you are still working your way up.

[FunDad]

Hi Dawgy,

You may want to consider reading Dr. Dobson's book Love Must be Tough. Great advice for situations like this, along the lines of the DR/DB books.

On the bright side, at least she still has a conscious that is letting her know what she is doing is wrong. It must be tormenting for her, but does not mean you need to be her doormat to make it ok for her either. You may want to consider changing your approach on exposing her A however. I don't think it helps to tell her you are going to purposely expose her if she leaves (this feeds her chaos engine, and notice that generates grief for you). Threatening her is like rattling the cage of a wild animal. Maybe tell her something along the lines of what she is doing is not ok and set some reasonable boundaries. For example this guy is not welcome in our home (The Dobson book has some good examples). Avoiding emotional entanglements with her is a good thing for you now, and implementing this is one of those boundaries that helps you keep your sanity in tact. You can't control her. No one can. Don't waste your time and energy trying. Hopefully the process will work itself out and she will see her mistake.

You sound like a good man. I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat (with the rest of us). Glad we are rowing together however. :-)

FunDad

[dawgy]

I have set some boundaries ,but we re not children ( even though shes acting like one , a spoiled one ) . Shes not to be texting him in front of me or the kids . Which im sur e she was but now i catch her texting in the laundry room or watching TV when she doesnt think im watching . Its like watching a child try to get away with something . OM is never to set foot on our property ever or he risks his saftey . Om is never to see or be near kids in anyway . The consequences of breaking these boudaries is being kicked out of the house . Exposing of the A to everyone . And the OM swallowing his teeth . Those are boundaries that I will not have broken . As for leaving , she can go whenever and I will sue for child Abandonment and custody and support . Im not putting up with her bull anymore . Ive had my fill . I retained a lawyer and Im ready to fight . I still want to save my marriage but I cant take anymore abuse , 6 months of the most mental torture a person can take is enough for me . Im ready to get nasty . Im just waiting for a boundary to bre crossed .

[Tarheel]

Are you hoping to win your W back with those boundaries? Not texting in front of the kids is one thing, but if she leaves, you're going to sue her? Please tell me you haven't told her that.

Trust me, I understand your anger (especially towards OM), but your post comes across as very controlling and a 'tad' bitter. Deep breathes.....

[Two Sided Coin]

Are you hoping to win your W back with those boundaries?

These sort of boundaries are the things that will make any progress or hope you've got disappear like water on a hot summer day.

Not texting in front of the kids is one thing, but if she leaves, you're going to sue her? Please tell me you haven't told her that.

The only suing you can do in this instance is suing for divorce. If that's your plan, then I guess it's your plan...but that's going to open a can of worms from which your R will never recover.


Is this "more of the same" behavior for you? Firm boundaries (IE: "There will be no working on US while OM is in the picture, period, because it's disrespectful to me and our M") give her responsibility for her actions. She has a choice.

What you're talking about is ultimatums and those ALWAYS backfire.

[FunDad]

Hey Dawg. Taking your anger out on her or OM will only push her further and help her justify her actions.

I'm so sorry man, I really am. Don't forget - YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. You are a good father. You will show those kids what true love is, and how a man dishes that out. It's hard to stand alone in the crap, but you CAN and you MUST. Here's the key - forgiving her now will set you free. Hard to do I know, but it's so true.

Try this: http://www.marriagetoday.com/overcoming-unforgiveness/

I'm only a month in and I watch this at least once a week, I know 6 mo of torture has to be grueling, but you need to find a way to get your mind back without being negative.

FunDad

[zew]

OM is never to set foot on our property ever or he risks his safety.

- and you get charged with A & B and have legal issues.

Om is never to see or be near kids in anyway.

- or what?

The consequences of breaking these boudaries is being kicked out of the house.

- By what right? You can't physically or legally remove her.

Exposing of the A to everyone.

- Backfires - drives her away out of shame.

And the OM swallowing his teeth.

- again, lands you behind bars with legal bills.

Those are boundaries that I will not have broken.

- All unenforceable. All trying to control what she and OM can do. All completely out of your control.

As for leaving, she can go whenever and I will sue for child Abandonment and custody and support.

That is the one thing you can do.

Im not putting up with her bull anymore. Ive had my fill. I retained a lawyer and Im ready to fight.

That is called D, not DB.

[dawgy]

Ok guys , points taken . I havent told her i was going to sue her I just told her she has to leave if those boudaries are crossed . Im not a fool . However it feels like if she leaves and moves in with OM i will never forgive her for that . To hurt me and the kids to that magnitude , Im sorry but thats the ultimate cruel thing a spouse and a mother can do to her family and right now I cant imagine forgiving her for that . Its just too cruel . Having an A is terrible but leaving your family and moving in with OM is unimaginable . If that happens I will never take her back and the marriage is over . I can forgive alot , and already have but I could never forgive or forget that pain .