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Labug,

I wasn't insinuating that was you:-). I just meant I've read some posts where it's implied that the other person could actually get the other parent to step up. That isn't always the case. I understand what everyone is trying to say.

You are right. If someone asks for 50/50 then they certainly appear to want to pull their share.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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No harm, no foul. I didn't think you did, I just wanted to be clear about what I was saying.

Even tho my kids were older, this was a big pill for me to swallow, although my H parented differently that didn't mean he was a bad parent.

Sometimes our stepping back creates space that the other person can step up and fill. We never know unless we create the space.

Some will step up, some won't.

We then have our answer.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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I actually don't know that H really wanted to pull his 50% share as much as he wanted it to be easy. He didn't want to have to keep track of something like a 3 4 4 3 schedule, he specifically called that "ridiculous". When I suggested something way less than 50/50 he readily agreed, gave no pushback whatsoever. My thought was to disturb D11's routine as little as possible in the beginning and then increase overnights with dad until everyone was comfortable. This isn't a legal agreement so we can change whenever we want.



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Did he say it was ridiculous and he wouldn't do it or just that is was ridiculous?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
Did he say it was ridiculous and he wouldn't do it or just that is was ridiculous?



He said he didn't want to get caught up in a "ridiculous convoluted" schedule that was "hard for everyone to manage" and that a week at a time was the "smoothest". He didn't actually refuse to do it and I hadn't previously proposed anything at all, I had asked him what he thought would work. We have friends who use the 3 4 4 3 and I guess that's where he got that idea. I didn't get the sense that he had really put any thought into it at all.



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If y'all haven't figured me out by now, I'll tell you that I need time for things to swirl around in my head and thoughts to pop out. My brain is like a slot machine where you pull the lever and things spin and then something comes up. ;-)

So.....in thinking about the whole time share thing, and re-reading my thread and Maybell's, here's what I have come up with. If H asked for 50/50 then who am I to judge why he did that? He may or may not have known what he was getting into, but that's not my problem, he will figure that out soon enough. Still, I personally am not ready for 50/50 but I am willing to increase his overnights from 2/14 to 5/14. For D11, I proposed every Thursday as an actual overnight, not just dinner, and then added Sunday night to the weekend mix. So every other week he has Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, (and just Thursday night on the off weeks). I can live with that for now and puts us further down the road towards 50/50 someday. I am pretty sure that D16 will never get to 50/50, but that's more up to her than it is us.

I've also considered how our previous sharing of child responsibilities affected our M. I am comfortable saying that I never criticized H for his parenting, and didn't try to micromanage it in any way. If he fed the kids cr*p for dinner and forgot to bathe them not a word was said. However, I will admit that I did resent having to shoulder the burden of childcare while he did whatever he wanted to, dinners out, football games, etc. I often thought that when I wanted to do something, it was a big production to do it, having to find and pay a sitter, make dinner ahead of time, etc., whereas when H wanted to do something he just did it, usually without discussing it with me first. That probably played a role in my attitude even though I didn't recognize it. And it's just another example of how I didn't stand up for my wants and needs, but swallowed hard and swept things under the rug.

Also, just the sheer time it took to raise three kids and manage a house while working full time left little time for H and the M. If I had asked for his help more, that perhaps would have left time to spend on the M. So, that's that. And it's too late now.

I even know why I did all this. I put my parenting percentage at 80%, but my mom's was 99%. She had total responsibility for raising me and my sister, my dad barely interacted with us at all. I thought my M was so much better than my parents because my H actually participated with the kids some.

So how did I do with all that?



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Bravo! I love the fact that you listen and dig in. I detect no defensiveness. That's one of my personal bugaboos smile You seem to be able to look very honestly at yourself and your actions.

I read more of your early threads last night and saw that your H took your D11 on a week long vacation and then they were together the next week because you and the older kids were off doing something. Seems he can handle it.

I think it's important for you, too, because you often remark about not having time for anything, helping with all the kid stuff then cleaning the house until late, no one knows your name only that you're (kid's)-mom, your GAL is coaching basketball for you D...There's some resentment tied up in all that.

What will you do for you in your free time?

Often times the marriage does get left in the dust of the family life. Sad but true.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
Bravo! I love the fact that you listen and dig in. I detect no defensiveness. That's one of my personal bugaboos smile You seem to be able to look very honestly at yourself and your actions.


Thank you. I am so grateful for you and everyone on this forum who asks hard questions and makes me think.

Originally Posted By: labug

I read more of your early threads last night and saw that your H took your D11 on a week long vacation and then they were together the next week because you and the older kids were off doing something. Seems he can handle it.


H is very good with the kids now that they are older and I have no qualms about sending them off with him in vacation mode. School mode will be new for him, but he's a big boy and can figure that out, too. I just have to let him.

Originally Posted By: labug

I think it's important for you, too, because you often remark about not having time for anything, helping with all the kid stuff then cleaning the house until late, no one knows your name only that you're (kid's)-mom, your GAL is coaching basketball for you D...There's some resentment tied up in all that.

What will you do for you in your free time?


Ok, there you go asking the hard questions again. Some people will be thinking "what's so hard about that?" right now, but I have been wrapped up in being Mom for almost 19 years now. It's comfortable, and I'm good at it. Being a mom is also a shield, I don't have to develop myself in other ways because, look at me, I'm really, really busy being a great mom. Doing things that don't involve my kids is uncomfortable and I'm not good at it. So it's hard. And this is where my brain starts swirling again.....



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That's OK, you don't have to do anything right now but think about it. Start slow, what's something you've always wanted to do? Just one thing.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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RPP,

Yeah...my Mom raised 4 daughters and her #1 priority was being a Mom which affected her outside interests. Now that we're grown up, she's involved on the Economic Board and other activities. Makes my head ache at times just listening to her.

Do what you feel most comfortable with now and the rest will just fall in place.

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