The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[daring]

GGG- catching up and so glad to see some movement! Your H likely GGG, he just can't admit it b/c he doesn't even like himself.

You keep on GALing and as FY said to me recently- he will come running with his tail wagging behind him

[Shakspr]

GGG - so funny

I am on self-moderation thanks to a recent setback. So no advice from me, none whatsoever. Huh-uh.

However, I love the name Bronwyn (almost named my daughter that one...but the extended family squares thought we were being too Welsh and/or archaic.) Couldn't get the wife to agree to Arwen (LotR reference.)

I had a BIG Boxer (~70) lbs named Athena before this little Chi. Who just won't stop pee/pooping where she shouldn't. When you figure in that this little creature senses the stress in the house, it's a wonder they don't drop diarrhea at every step.

[nero]

hi goatgirl

was reading your post of 9-7, ya know, what you say could come from my mouth. i get a glimmer of old man - i do not think anything changes (really) tho. where this guy went-idk.

your comment later about you having a great time with people and they like you- then h picking at you for - whatever. me too- what the heck IS that anyway? My mom used to do the same - my freinds mom also- jealousy of our attention??? my h loves huge crowds , like a fair, where he's ananoymous. He sits in a corner at parties - prefers one on one with people. wtf??? he can be very charming and everyone always likes him - when he is inclined to participate. it's such a mixture of insanity.

What's holding me back is only FEAR.

Fear of walking away from all this when it could have been saved.
Fear of giving up when there was still hope.
Fear of moving forward when it might be wiser to wait just a little longer.

I know, me too - I share your fears- how do we ever know when it is "enough". Those here that seem to know- say we WILL KNOW when it is time for us to just give up - this bit of wisdom will find us. I hope so - it is strictly one more day at a time for me. It's been so long- i still cannot imagine h not being somewhere in my life. just a "buddy" tho- i'm not so sure that can work forever for me.

you sound great - and gal-ing like mad. My H is soooo what you describe - that he all of a sudden can't find anything good aboutme. past year- when together he is alot nicer and "old self". No "love" tho -

sometimes i wonder if he's is truly mlc - and there is even a prayer he'll "return" to normal - or if i imagined the entire 30+ years of (what i thought was)happiness with each other.

could make ya feel nuts co uldn't it?

it stinks -good luck- hope your h wakes up.

xxo

[GoatGal]

Hi Nero,

Good to hear from you!

I hope we will know when it's time to throw in the towel.
I am OK with where I am now, but I won't be able to hang out here forever.

At some point, somebody's got to make the first move, one way or the other.

Today's juicy tidbit is that my being "thoughtful" seems to tick him off.

I guess it makes it hard to dislike your spouse when they're basically everything you want in a mate!
Boy, that must make them MAD!

So he responds to nice texts with nasty ones. Then blames it on driving, being tired... but never apologizes.
There is always a "reason" why he said something snide/did something nasty.
That shows me he's still screwed up in the noodle.

Whenever he says: "Well... THAT was because...." it means he is not going to own anything he's doing.

So the nasty texts are because he thinks I'm saying mean things?
(I'm not. His interpretation is that I'm attacking. About nothing! I doubt a normal person would interpret anything I'm saying as snippy or sarcastic.)
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So today, I got him a pizza to make when I'm gone this weekend, something he's always liked.
No expectation of thanks, it's a very small thing to do for him.
I mentioned it in a text about the upcoming weekend, saying it was on sale, so...


He texts: "I TOLD you I was cutting back. Take all the friggin pizzas with you for all I care!"

Guess he can add that to my list of fatal flaws.
"Wife bought me a frozen pizza because I used to eat them every weekend for 15 years."

Yeah, he told me he was cutting back on the refined carbs. TWO DAYS AGO!
He's watching his figure now, in his new clothes, with his new white teeth.
And, silly me, I didn't know he hadn't eaten the last pizza.
So now there are at least TWO in the freezer.

TWO PIZZAS!!!! WE GONNA DIE!!!!! Oh NOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Bring the hangman's noose! Because if he doesn't string me up, I'm going to use it on myself.
(Just kidding.)
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Seriously, he is trying to find any little thing to demonstrate how leaving me is the right decision...anything he can point to to say "See? She's hopeless."

But he JUST---CAN'T---QUITE---MAKE THAT WORK!

I actually feel the more he likes me, the more he resents me, the more he WANTS to hate me.
Hating me would make things easier for him, he could keep going down the track he's been on, secure in the belief that I am the problem.

Liking me means he has to deal with the internal conflict over what he's doing.
And he wants to do what he's doing, so he needs to NOT LIKE ME!

As soon as he starts to feel a little warm and fuzzy towards me, he has to find some reason why he shouldn't.

Strangely, one would think that if you started to have feelings for your spouse after filing for divorce, that would be positive.

Thinking...Maybe D is not a good idea.
Thinking...Maybe you were wrong----and that's a GOOD THING!
Thinking...Your spouse is actually pretty cool! Lucky you!
Thinking... "Boy, am glad I figured this out before the ink was dry on the divorce decree!"
But the operative word here is: THINKING.


But these guys/gals.
It's like they want to continue down their path even if their soul is screaming "You're making a mistake!!!!"

There is too much emotion and not enough reasoning going on.

And so ends another oddball day on the Triple GGG Ranch.


---GGG

[Shining]

GGG, I get sooooo excited when I get to read one of your colorful and entertaining posts. Thank you for being such a bright spot in this mess. I'm sorry for the pain and stress you have, and the overwhelming responsibilities at times....but, I love your outlook, your humor, and your way of viewing the world. For me, it's a fun break from the other stuff .

[Matt165]

GGG(G),
Boy, do I know what you mean. At one point about 8 months after B-day, I was eating gluten free crackers and cheese. The only reason I was eating gluten free crackers was because, since her MLC, she has been on a health kick because her new mom told her that was what she should do as that is what her father eats! But any way I offered her some. She got VERY upset and started accusing me of trying to kill her. Kill her by giving her high cholesterol!

At first I thought she was joking. Then she really went off saying I'd RATHER she were dead, that way I'd get her life insurance, that because she wanted a D I hated her and this was how I was going to get her back. She was serious! Nothing I said would make her stop. She also said this in front of both our girls. The next week, she went to see her GP and went back on AD's.

I also noticed during the time she was here between B-day and when she left, that every time she started to feel the least bit "warmer" toward me, she would do something to cause an argument or make up something I had said or done that made her "feel" angry toward me once again.

So, your not alone. Just another of the long list of crazy things that are all part of the good old MLC script!

This just in! After helping my W out getting my D14 when she was locked out of the her mom's house. Tonight I get a nasty text from from my W saying that she found a tick on my D14's dog and It's MY fault because I didn't give her her flea and tick pills that she wasn't due to get until the day after tomorrow! Not only that I somehow am at fault that we are out of said pills (I used the last of them last month). So, no thank you for helping out and being a good father and even helping her so she didn't have to leave work. No I was NICE so she had to get upset, had to find some NEW fault in me. Umm, maybe she's the female GUBU??

[Wonka]

GGG,

I posted to you back on Friday and it got chopped by some small, invincible men/women out there. Grrr.

Seriously, he is trying to find any little thing to demonstrate how leaving me is the right decision...anything he can point to to say "See? She's hopeless."

A lot of the times the MLCers find it incredibly hard to climb down from that mindset which means that they're clearly in the "wrong" about the source of their own unhappiness. It is just easier to assign blame on the LBS rather than confronting your own uhappiness and figuring out your chit.

Clearly GUBU isn't ready yet. It seems that this internal processing occurs when they're pretty much out of the tunnel. That's what happened to me here and I'm always forever grateful to MWD and this site for aiding me in this process.

Gosh, it must be hard on you and other LBS to see glimmers of the old spouse within the MLCer appear so sporadically. It is hard for all parties involved...the LBS and the MLCer.

[GoatGal]

Yes, fellow DBers, I'm still here, busting away on my mountainside.

It's been crazy on this board, posts disappearing... so it was a good time for another break.

All is well around here.

I'm sleeping better, eating better, focus is better, mood is better.
I'm just BETTER.

GUBU is mostly H now when I see him. Granted, these are short periods, but so far (!) GUBU hasn't made an appearance since the last snippy text about the pizzas.
(So, that was last week.)

He has not said a peep to me about "the future" or any of that stuff, and I'm not asking. We're just getting along, working together on some projects, chatting, all friendly-like.

Now. I've been here before.
He does seem to like when I'm like his (hot!) guy friend, working on man-stuff.
(One of my aces in the hole. I'm good at that buddy thing. I like old cars, mechanical stuff... I can drive a backhoe...)
This is a non-threatening, non-emotional way to spend time where he is in his element.

I have no delusions that this is going to be a permanent state for him. I'm sure there will be more lapses into his GUBU personality whenever things don't go his way.

He seems to have been reassured that I am spending time with FEMALE friends, am not packing to move, don't have a boyfriend....
Call it "keeping me on the back burner", or whatever... I think it's more important that we get along.
He's not actively doing anything hurtful to me, so I see no reason to be unavailable or distant, or even all that dark. I don't initiate much, and I am definitely NOT pursuing.

I'm just moving on, letting him see that, but also being friendly and keeping the interactions light and positive. Plus, I am seeing him look at me more and more. Just sneaking little glances. So I'm not REALLY like a guy friend!

I still see him smiling more, laughing more. And--GASP!!!--- he is growing his beard back!

That was something that really bugged me. And he knew it.
He refused to grow it the way I liked, saying he wanted to look like those 50-somethings with the stubble on the (VIAGRA!) commercials.

Plus it was how he started wearing it with OW last year.
So--I have noticed, he's seen me looking. But I haven't said anything.

If it stays, I'll tell him it looks nice.

Oh. And I noticed he's dressing a little better when he's here working, and his chore clothes have returned.
AND--although he doesn't exactly seek me out when he's here, he's staying longer.
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I have been GALing like crazy, exploring some new ideas musically, stayed with a friend in a nearby city last weekend and really enjoyed exploring her neighborhood.
The other day when I returned from my friend's house, he--wait for it---

WAITED FOR ME TO COME HOME!

He hasn't done that in a year. He always avoids me, because I guess I'm all "happy".

This time, he was just sort of hanging around. I was really shocked.
He actually stayed around and chatted with me a bit.

Wholly cats!

I think his depression is lifting. I don't know if he's started meds, or it's the bicycling, or the therapy, or maybe just time.

I don't think it has anything to do with me, but he seems to be feeling better overall. He looks better too.

He is still being transparent with the financials, credit cards... so if there was something going on (a new OW or hookers!) I'd know about it.

He's pretty much at work, or here afterwards. And when he goes to "his" house, there is NOTHING there. It's in the boonies.
Unless he's having it on with a heifer, he's not involved with anyone out there!

Every weekend he is asking about staying here, and sometimes stays two nights.
(IF I'm out late.)
If he had OW, I don't think he'd be doing this.

You know what? I think he likes me. He doesn't want to, but he does.
I am the best me, and I AM the spouse he would be a fool to leave!

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This weekend I'm doing another dance workshop, then singing with a band on Sunday. The prep for that has kept me pretty busy, which is why I haven't been posting here.

I'll let you know how it goes!

---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

Some positive update from you! Nice to hear that you're doing better these days...we were all worried about your weight loss.

I'm sure there will be more lapses into his GUBU personality whenever things don't go his way.

Let's see what happens in the next 48-hours!

I think his depression is lifting. I don't know if he's started meds, or it's the bicycling, or the therapy, or maybe just time.

I don't think it has anything to do with me, but he seems to be feeling better overall. He looks better too.

In what ways do you think GUBU's depression is lifting?

Please try to remember that this will be a zig zag pattern for some time.

[Cadet]

Please try to remember that this will be a zig zag pattern for some time.

Put in BOLD for emphasis