The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

It's been 24 hours, so here's my reply:

H: "I will not be going to the ASPCA...you may not believe it but it hurts me too, very much."

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way, although I can understand.
I am looking forward to going; just figured I’d ask.


H: "The title of my upcoming book is "What about that one”.
I'm not kidding...just an exercise but a valuable one."

Me: You’re writing a book?
Interesting… I’d love to hear more about that some time.

H: "Writing is good for processing."

Me: Preaching to the choir, here, Sir!
(+ Smiley face emoticon with sunglasses...)

Me: See you later!

--GGG


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I guess I was trying not to make a big deal of it.
A BIG 180 for me. Just let it go and don't overanalyze. (That he can SEE!)

It really wasn't a big deal when I invited him, but overnight it got blown up in my head. You all know how THAT goes!

So what I did right:
1. Validated his feelings (a little) without coddling him

2. Didn't blame him for how things are

3. Let him know I will have fun without him--because it is supposed to be FUN, not depressing!--- without rubbing his nose in it.

4. Left an opening if he wants to talk about his writing.

His writing, if that's what it is---and since I Googled the title and didn't find a book out there by that name---is funny because he hates writing, can't spell, most texts are just a few words.
So writing for him, is a big stretch!
It shows he is expanding himself in some ways. That's a VERY GOOD THING.

Maybe this new shrink is a good one?


Of course, I had to stop myself from saying:
"Why don't you write a book about how it feels to screw your life up royally while stabbing your wife in the heart? That might be more of a worthwhile therapeutic exercise!"


Snarky, snarky me.
That's why I said it here. I did think it! Thank goodness there are no "Thought Police".

Just light and "easy, breezy, beautiful-- Cover-Girl" Gumby Goat Gal Goddess...

Best I could do on short notice.

--GGG

[GoatGal]

Oh, and one last thing:

One thing I have noticed consistently is that whenever he communicates with me, it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

There was no "thanks for asking", "I know this is hard for you", "Sorry but I can't go".

Nope. It's all about how HE feels, how sad HE is, and the writing HE is doing.

I know now not to be surprised. But it's clear he's still stuck in his own head.

I don't really think I exist much for him except as a source of discomfort.

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Doh!!!!

Of COURSE he doesn't want to go anywhere with me where people like me, like us as a couple, which reminds him of the best parts of our life together, and which throws up, in great and painful detail, the costs of his choices.

Geez. Sometimes I am SUCH a dope!

It's that "forest for the trees thing again."


Slapping forehead with frying pan....

I should have stuck with Wonka's bike ride suggestion. It would have been far less emotional an event.
Sometimes I am struck by my blindness to the obvious.

Oh well. Next time I'll know better.


---GGG

[Shining]

I wasn't gonna guess....but that was my guess. Possibly the pain (and I think he feels it whether he goes or not) from his guilt for what he did, and he can't face neither the people he knew, nor the fact that you actually were a cute, loving couple after all. Then he would be wrong, and we can't have that.....can we?

Be careful running through the trees with those frying pans, GGG....

[GoatGal]

Hahaha! Shining, I think you may be right. ^^^

Now for some more over-analyzing, because it's what I do BEST

Interesting how he managed to decline without actually acknowledging that I had, in fact, invited him to do something?
"I will not be going...." As though the invite fell from the sky.
No doubt another skill he's learned in the corporate world.
Also how whenever he writes the negative, especially when making a point, he rarely says: I won't/can't"
He almost always says: "I will not/cannot." Weird, huh?


But on the plus side:

* He opened up a little about feeling sad about how things have turned out.
Or is pretending to open up.
Or the moon is full.

* He said "You may not believe this"... and allowed me to validate a little.
Of course I believe it! He surely feels worse than I do. After all, he's the one that made this mess, so he's got all the guilt.

* He may be doing some soul-searching with the book/writing, whatever that's about.

* He shared with me that he is doing this ^^^--a big 180 for him. Writing is NOT his comfort zone. If in fact, that's what he's doing.

* He talked about "valuable experience", "processing"--this tells me that he *might* be doing some real thinking.

* He now knows that I do NOT hate him nor think he has cooties.

* He knows that I am willing to do things as a couple as we used to do, and that I would find that to be appealing on some level.

* He can see that I will be happy with or without him when doing these things, but now, sometimes, I might prefer WITH him.
Probably why he was so smiley yesterday.
Or not.
Or the moon is full.

Ahhhh... Amazing, isn't it? What "insights" we can try and pull from just a few simple words?

But you know what they say: "BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT HE SAYS". And I don't. Not really.
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Of course, historically he has not analyzed things like I do, but subliminally I'm sure he got the message.

I sent a follow-up email asking if he minded bathing the one dog I'll be taking to the event. "Everyone will want to see him looking and smelling his best!" Happy Crappy Pappy!

He answered, simply. "Yes".
(Probably didn't expect me to be all upbeat about going. That's right, GUBU, Horton and I are going to have some Woofs and Wine!!!)

He'll get to see us piling into the MuttMobile, Horton with his Bow Tie and me in a cute summer dress.
Oh well!
I'll be sure to tell him everyone says "Hi!"
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Anyhow. No worries about me over-analyzing this for glimmers of hope, more to see if I can glean any info and perform better in the future.

It's that "Growth Mindset".
By the way, is anyone still reading that book? Mindset, by Carol Dweck PhD.
I am really enjoying it.

I have a Growth Mindset, while GUBU has a very Fixed Mindset.
Which he COULD change. Wouldn't that be nice?


---GGG

[Matt165]

Hey GGG(G)!
I tried to get my W to go to the Mutts/wine event we have here for years but she never would go. My D14 and I volunteered at Paws of Austin together and had so much fun! Mom just stayed at home and played video games. Hope you have a great time! Careful you don't come back with any new little guys or gals. Sometimes it's hard to look into those eyes behind the cage......

As for GUBU saying "..believe it or not, this hurts me too...". Oh, yeah, then STOP doing it! Would you leave your hand on a hot stove top while it hurt more and more or would you take your DAM HAND OFF!! Geez, these MLCers drive me crazy with their crazy! If they feel guilt...you made them feel it. If what they are doing hurts...but I have no choice! It all boils down in their minds the same as a child saying "But he/she MADE me do it!".

How in the world do these people survive with the emotional maturity of 10 year olds? I'll tell you what from what you have said about what GUBU has written in his online dating descriptions he sounds like he may have a pretty good imagination for writing "fiction"!

So, have you heard anything about if he is cleaning out the basement and fixing the bathroom because he needs a place to stay? Or would that just be too painful?

Have fun at the Mutt/Wine event! Can't wait to hear all about it!

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Matt.


Yeah, he's sure got his priorities straight.

It's basically about avoiding feeling anything "bad" and trying to feel everything "good'.

That about sums it up.

If I make him feel "good" then I'm worthwhile.
This means stroking his ego, not having too much fun without him, keeping the home fires burning so he can discover who he is, not asking questions, not expecting anything, but not letting anybody else fill those roles while he doesn't want to.

It's letting him know I love him and I'll be here no matter what, not getting involved with anyone else, not showing him up by being competent at anything, not being smarter, nicer....no... this would make him feel BAD about himself.

It's not doing anything to remind him that he's not perfect, not bringing up the past, letting him think the fact that he has not yet stopped feeding us makes him a great guy!

In short--worshipping him, but from a respectful distance.

So as you can see, REALITY has very little place there.

Which is why I can't really compete with online fantasy women.

(Except maybe in an "in-person" smack down! I need me a wrestling name!)
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Horton the Hairless Wonder and I will have a wonderful time at the winery event without GUBU. His loss.
If he chooses to, he can make it all about being sad and feeling guilty.
Honestly that never occurred to me, which is why I invited him in the first place.
Silly me--I thought it might be FUN!

(FUN? What's THAT? GUBU asks...)
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Anyhow. The basement.
I noticed that he has removed ALL his clothes, most of which he's kept here for the duration. I decided not to make anything of this. Just like him bringing all his laundry here.
He has lost weight, bought new "cool" hipster clothes, so it's possible he's just getting rid of things.
Some of the farm clothes have re-appeared, just in piles in different spots.
(He has also become a slob.)

I have deliberately NOT gotten rid of the things he wanted me to, because they are part of the furniture I might be taking with me.
The real issue with clutter down there is HIS stuff. Tools, construction crap... that's on him.

He did say he wanted to buy his friend (who has been housing him for free) a new laptop. Saying he's tried to give her rent all this time, but she wouldn't accept it.
(One wonders what that's about...not romantic, but co-dependent boss/employee enmeshment for sure.)

Why he informed me about it is anybody's guess. If I HAD to guess, it's that I'd see a charge for yet another laptop and considering his porn problem/laptop/phone stuff, I'd blow a gasket.

Not so--but that's probably why. Anyhow, he said it would come out to about $100 a month rent for her.

I answered: "Sure, I think that's more than fair. She's done so much. Get her a really nice one! "

So--is he planning on staying with her until he can divorce me? Perhaps so.

He has suggested many times that I should just leave.
Go live with my mother.

Just remove myself from his life, his home, his reality.
Then it will be "OVER" and he can pretend it never happened.
That's his ultimate solution.

And one reason why I'm thinking of taking a REALLY LONG TRIP to give him a real taste of what that would be like long term.
We did about a month and he worked half days the whole time.
He can't sustain that, but maybe he's forgotten.

So that's in the works as well.
If he balks at me going, well, that wouldn't make sense, would it?

That's what he's looking at in terms of living. There would be ZERO time for dating, that's for sure!

Unless he wanted to invite a few gal pals over to scoop poop, weed whack, wash incontinent dogs' pee-pads.

Where do I sign women up for that?
Because I could sure use a break!


---GGG

[BrightFuture]

GGG, he reminds me of my late FIL (H’d dad) when he turned about 65. He would start talking about something that was apparently going on in his head, but nobody knew the details. He would then explain, but it was kind of strange. And it seems like it was also all about him all the time. Looking back, I started to think that H’s father was just so selfish. But, maybe something was going on with him. He was diagnosed with ALS a few years later. I think this is when H’s MLC started.

I love dogs, and I admire your work trying to save the once that are abandoned and sick. Too bad your H doesn’t feel like he can continue to do the work at this time.

[Shakspr]

Hey, GG - here's a NON-DB'G QUESTION (everyone cheers):

Any tips on housebreaking a young chihuahua mix (6 months)? I am at wits end. Apparently my shower mats and daughter's room are poop/pee pads (as opposed to the actual pads I set out.) She gets plenty of outside time, but doesn't let go out there as often as she should.

And, BTW, your mind reading efforts are at least ENTERTAINING and self-aware.

[Wonka]

Shakspr,

I know you asked GGG directly...however, I have trained my dogs from puppy hood and I've learned some valuable tips that I'd be happy to pass on to you (and others) here.

-Treats are best when teaching puppy to pee/poop outside. For the first year of the dog's life, I would use only specific small treats for that purpose so he/she would associate it with going out to the bathroom. High praise, positive words and doling out this specific treat taught them that it is perfectly okay to pee/poop outside. I stopped the treats when they've fully understood the need to inform you that they need to go to the bathroom and stop peeing/pooping in the house/apt.

-When they peed on the carpet, I would use a spray to remove and soak up all traces of smell for they would repeat in that same spot.

-I would go out for a while and crate my puppy for half hour...then increase to 1 hour. For longer outings, I would get puppy babysitters. This is excellent to teach them to get used to the owner being away. Also their bladder is tiny and cannot hold for a day. When they reach their 9 to 10 month mark, they'll be able hold their bladders all day when away at work and all night when you're asleep.

-Crating used for up to 1 year. When they are in their puppyhood, I would leave them in the kitchen with gates in open areas. When they got a bit older, I would close bedroom doors and any other rooms because it is tooo big and overwhelming for them. When they reach adulthood, around 1 year old, then they can roam free and be completely crate free.

-When you catch your puppy going into areas that you don't want them to, you can distract them with a jar filled with pennies that will re-direct their attention. You don't want to discipline by saying "no, Fido!" each time they did this. They will associate no with their names. Not good.

-When my dogs were in their puppyhood, their teeth hurt from teething which makes them chew all sorts of stuff. To counter their problem, I would ask if they wanted some ice and they'd bark. I'd give them an ice cube or two. For longer sessions, I'd use a washcloth and wet it. Twist it in a long tube and leave it in the freezer. I use them to give my dogs to chew on to alleviate their teething pains.

-As a result of giving them ice and frozen washcloths, they've never chewed on my shoes or any furniture when they outgrew their teething phase.

-The three most important words I taught when they were 8 weeks old were: drop, sit, stay. Very vital that they know those three main commands from an early age.

Oops! A long answer to a short question. As you can tell by now, I am a dog lover.

G'luck!