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GoatGal Offline OP
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Thanks, job for keeping an eye on my # posts.

Here's a new thread for a new chapter.

I want the focus to be on me and the changes I'm making in myself, my life in the present, and my hopes for the future.
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I have started to think of myself as a widow of sorts.

It's a way of detaching further. There is no blame. Just acceptance of what is.

The fact is, my old M is dead, and the image I had of my H as a certain type of man who wouldn't be capable of doing the things he's done is also dead.

That man is gone.
He may not have ever been real to begin with.
It's time I face that sad fact.
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I realized these past few days that thinking of myself as a widow,
rather than as a rejected wife, lover, partner, and friend, is just an easier mental leap to make.
It hurts less than thinking he made a conscious choice that his life would be so much better without me in it.

True enough that it's really not about being rejected as these things by my H, but that he is no longer the same person, and the new person just doesn't see me like that any more.
We are as strangers to each other.

I watched a bit of a TV show (Oprah's Life Class) the other day where a woman who had had a severe head injury and was in a long coma awoke to her husband and family, having no idea who they were. This persisted for a long period of time.

She had permanent amnesia, Yet, her husband stuck it out.
When asked how he handled it when his wife didn't even know him; that she was no longer the person he had known, he said: (paraphrasing)

"When I got married I didn't do it 'as long as things go well'. I was in it for the long haul, no matter what. That was my vow, not meant to be broken when times got tough."

That's how I feel.
I took those vows seriously, and although almost everyone I know says to just leave GUBU and start over, to me, it's like he was in a coma and awoke not knowing me or remembering anything good about our life together.

He is a different person, and it remains to be seen whether or not any of those good qualities that were so evident in the man I married will ever be part of him again or not.

And as for that couple on Oprah? Well, he won her heart all over again, they got married for a second time, (since she didn't remember the first wedding), and they started their new lives together again.

A fairy tale ending, but a nice one.

I supposed it could happen.
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In the meantime, I'm getting on with things.

I decided that I would really start my "moving mentality" in February 2015, since that will be one full year since being served.

Emotionally, I am slowly detaching--or rather, lessening my emotional attachment to GUBU. Physically moving is another story.

It has been suggested to accept that you are already divorced in your mind and heart to make the transition easier.
After all, that's what our spouses are doing.

So I am imagining myself in a new mountain top home, maybe with a few chickens, a couple of dogs, a garden. A few trusty Ukuleles, a Harmonica, maybe a banjo, and a crabby old tomcat named Horatio...
Maybe I'll be the kooky old lady that all the kids visit after school because she makes real lemonade and doesn't get after them if they cuss.

There is no man in that picture, but I don't think I'll be lonely.

I now know that I will have wonderful people in my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

That's well within my power, and I choose good friends and happiness.

I was asleep through much of my marriage. I am now awake.
It feels good. A little scary, but it feels like there are possibilities that I had shut my mind to over the years.

Now those possibilities, for love, for travel, new adventures, new friends, new experiences--that it's all out there again.

What's holding me back is only FEAR.

Fear of walking away from all this when it could have been saved.
Fear of giving up when there was still hope.
Fear of moving forward when it might be wiser to wait just a little longer.

But it's not fear of the future and what that will bring.
The future will hold all the things the past has done.
Good times and bad, love and pain, joy and heartache.

That's life.
And that's a good thing.
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I will post the links to old/new threads in a bit here.

I just wanted to start this new one before I got in trouble!

xxxooo all my DBer Friends.

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GoatGal Offline OP
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Hey, Vets---would it be possible to post a "How-To Link Old Threads Tutorial" in the Welcome section?

A real Step-By-Step for Dummies.
Don't assume we know anything! (Because we don't, really.)
Like Wonka mentioning the "Globe". I didn't know where to look for it, and I didn't interpret that to be anything other than a blue glob. smile

So--details please! And I'll do it again.
Post my old threads, I mean.

Thanks!


----GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
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Last edited by GoatGal; 09/07/14 03:56 PM.

Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: May 2014
Posts: 246
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GGG,

I really like your thinking...being a widow. It would be easier to accept the changes going on around us.

It also makes me sad that some men are willing to stick it out, like your Oprah story, and then others, like our WAS, just give up. I thought Clark and I valued the same things, like a life long commitment to each other and only to each other. Apparently I was wrong.

Enjoy your mountain top, but remember that you aren't really alone. You've got your friends IRL and you have us smile


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
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GoatGal Offline OP
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Thanks, Ats.

I am taking a break from the boards for awhile, assuming no crisis occurs.

I was reading up on all my pals last night and it just got overwhelming... so much pain and stress.
I started analyzing and applying the info to my sitch and just had to stop.

I read some good things, too. Lots of progress being made by many of you. That was really uplifting.

But, like somebody said (in the last 24 hours) sometimes you just need to spend time not thinking about your M or DBing or any of that for awhile.
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On the home front, I spoke at length with an old college friend yesterday. This is the same guy I visited in VA a few months back.

He is looking to move within the next two years, has all the skills I need to run this place, and we talked about a possible roommate situation for him here if I can get a basement apartment set up.

He is also an artisan (ceramics and woodworking) and there would be a possibility of a shared studio arrangement...much more than I could do on my own. More kiln possibilities, more sales. Good all around in many ways.

Of course, there are a lot of variables there, not the least of which is that having a "man" living here could be construed as having a live-in boyfriend.
= No alimony.

So that would have to be dealt with, along with managing our relationship as a roommate/artistic partnership and making it very clear that there are to be no expectations beyond that.
I don't think he would have any, but I don't want to send mixed signals.
I don't see it ever being anything more than a friendship, but from his end, well, he's a man and he's single.

Also, the idea of aging. He's my age...what if he gets sick?
How long would he stay? Would I just end up in the same boat a few years down the road, having to give it all up? Wouldn't it just be easier to set things up so I am completely self-sufficient?
Is that even reasonable doing the type of sculpture I do?
I don't think so. (It's big stuff; outdoor installation pieces.)

I can't do the heavy lifting any more. (I never should have done it in the first place, it's one of the reasons I have the back problems I have now.)

Just a pipe dream at the moment, but it's nice to think I have the option to stay if I decide that's what I want.
If not him, then perhaps someone else.

I just can't afford it or physically do it on my own. So if I want to stay, I'll need somebody here.
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I have pulled back a lot from GUBU since last weekend and I'm getting a bit of the snippy backlash via text, trying to push my buttons or get a reaction.
Whatever. Same old chit.

I'm ignoring and find I just don't care.

In fact, this morning I was actually grateful he wasn't here any longer.
His presence is mostly toxic, so it's nicer to be alone.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I spent a brief amount of time wondering if I'd put GUBU off (and stopped paving the road home) when I told him that email wasn't the best way to get me because I don't check it very often, and that I was turning the volume down on my phone so I was missing texts.
Both are true.

Coincidentally, or as a direct result, he stopped emailing me altogether that day, and now his texts are rare and terse.

After some thought, I decided this says more about him and where he's at than about anything I've done.

I thought how I'd react if a friend said that to me, and realized it would not prevent me from continuing to email or text.
It wouldn't even register as a problem. I'd just take them at their word, and understand that it wasn't about me.

So why should it stop him?

Only, perhaps, because it sends a message to him that I'm not sitting here obsessively checking my email or phone for messages from him.
And that's true.
I am thinking about and doing other things, and being his "Plan B" is not one of them.

So--he can take that however he wants.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight I'm off to a special dance class--it's been a while---I used to teach several classes a week and took a hiatus that lasted three years.

I haven't been a student in quite some time, so this will be fun.

And my strapping young farm boy will be working here for me (with a machete among other things) one or two days a week as needed as long as needed with some basic chores and ongoing projects.
That's starting next week.

I have decided not to mention it to GUBU and he probably won't ask.
I don't want to stir things up, but I need more help and he didn't step up and volunteer to do anything else for me after I made it clear that I needed assistance.

His 'solution' was for me to just move out.
(For many reasons that's not happening, but he can't do it alone, either. He's not thinking things through long term, as usual.)

Anyhow, scheduling is tricky as I am trying to keep GUBU and Farm Boy from running into each other.
This is a nice kid and he doesn't need to get in the middle of anything. He knows a small bit of my sitch, and he doesn't need to know anything more than that.

It could well end up like Bart and Poe, my two roosters, posturing and one-upping each other!


I'll be back on in a few days.
Until then, KEEP on BUSTING!!!

smile


---GGG

PS: I'd love to meet Maybell for lunch, don't know if that's allowed!


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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GG,
You can meet up w/anyone you like. The only thing is we can't share address or personal email addresses here. You will need to have someone give you the info about the DB Facebook forum that many of the members go to after being on here.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks, job.

I'll see if anyone posts about the FB forum.

Meanwhile, I'll look for it on my own.

--GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Posts: 3,500
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GGG, LIKE. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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GoatGal Offline OP
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And for the record, if I wanted a divorce from my husband of 23 years for deep, legitimate, unsolvable differences, it would look very different from the ways our Ss are going about it.

I would do everything I could to make the transition less painful for him, would be supportive and caring, helping him in every way I knew how.

Also I would talk to him, go to counseling, help him understand my choice, let him ask anything he needed to know to heal, to move on.
I would bare my soul if it would help him be at peace with it.

(Of course, I also would have given him the opportunity to work on things before dropping the D bomb. I wouldn't have cheated on him and used that as a springboard to have the guts to leave him.)

I wouldn't be angry if he made new friends, saw other people, started branching out and getting a life without me.
I wouldn't be pushing his buttons or getting pissy if he didn't respond the way I wanted, didn't act the way I wanted him to, didn't reach out to me or make himself vulnerable for more rejection.

I wouldn't try and blame HIM for my choice, wouldn't get angry or defensive with him if he got upset with what I was doing to him and to our M.
I'd figure I deserved whatever anger he had coming to me.

I wouldn't tell him to "stop playing the victim" because the truth would be, I was making a choice that hurt him deeply.
He had no choice in the matter.

Our marriage would be the real victim.

And I wouldn't expect him to meet ANY of my needs.
Not physically, mentally, emotionally. Why would I?

I'd fully expect him to be angry--hurt and full of resentment, in emotional pain, and definitely not wanting to be my "gay boyfriend" or booty-call or roommate, or shoulder to cry on about how "hard this is for ME".

I would expect him to distance himself from me and I wouldn't blame him for any reaction he might have to my "news".

I'd understand that I'd made a choice that was painful to him, and that I was going to have to live with the consequences of that choice.
Losing him as a friend or as part of my life would be part of that choice if that's WHAT HE WANTED.

I wouldn't expect him to ever want to be my "friend". I might hope for it, but I wouldn't be angry at him for not wanting to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why "standing" is something most people don't understand.

They're thinking that our MLC spouses are divorcing us as I described above.

That they've done everything they could and have made a rational decision that's best for them, one they will never regret because they've thought it through and for really legitimate incompatibilities they've decided it will never work.

That they've used some insight, logic, planning, compassion... that their choice is reasonable instead of being based in fear, avoidance, pain, depression, and feelings that have more to do with themselves and their baggage than the marriage itself.
Or with their husbands/wives.


That's what people in the "real world" just DON'T understand.

That our MLCers are not rational people that have simply grown tired of their miserable, loveless, lifeless marriages with spouses who are best left in the dust, who can never change, who are thorns in their sides and albatrosses around their necks.

That they are not, in fact, moving on to wonderful, healthy, happy lives full of personal growth and the love they've never had with us.

If that's their assumption, it's wrong.
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I have been dumped in the past by logical, rational people who just knew that our R wasn't going to develop significantly.

There was never any nastiness, there was apology, talking, helping with transitions...
It was clean. Thought out.
No doubts it was over, no calling up to make sure I was still dangling on the line.

Just thinking out loud.
Thinking how different it would be if I were the one initiating a divorce.

Of course, I am adult.

I am emotionally mature and not in the grips of a MLC.

I realized I am, in spite of my mental "quirks", pretty darned together and aware.
I'm willing to work on self-improvement with some humility.


------GGG




Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Joined: Apr 2014
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GoatGal

You have some good plans!

I also plan on taking a break...need to pretend that I'm not married and that my H is only my roommate, expecting nothing from him.

Enjoy your break, it comes a time when all us LBS needs one.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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