Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2485713 09/06/14 03:23 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
I changed my subject line a little (took out the barely). I feel stronger sometimes and I still feel barely sometimes, but I am trying to be more positive.

Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2485462#Post2485462

Thanks again to all for the help that I have gottem!!

Not much happening here right now - back to ignoring the elephant. She did text me on friday afternoon (in reference to thursday night's exchange.)

"I just don't know what to do...I want you to know that I am thinking of us and you. have a good day."
I sent back: thanks for saying that. have a good day.

nothing else, back to weekend mode. Acting like it's all normal.
----
I feel a little guilty being here too. There are other's that are really struggling and have much worse situations (not that I'm not, but I usually just help myself). I wish that I had the wisdom to help others.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 412
u-turn: You are right. Many are worse off than you, or me. But we come here to journal, to vent, to catch a word or phrase in a thread we aren't even active in. Why?

Hope. We all are learning to hope without expectations. The only expectation I have left is a belief in my relationship with my children, which will be amazing. Everything else is one day at a time.

Glad to hear you changed your thread title! ;-)


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
So a quick question to the room:

She says to want to reconnect with me - (she still has feelings... etc. for OM though). I am trying to detach and I have been given advise here detach, but also to reconnect, then work on trust and everything else that goes along with it.

She wants to do normal date type things on weekends. Including today - she wants to go to a place we used to go (wine tasting used to be fun and romantic).

Is this cake eating or a real move forward? I think I should go and be my best me, show her we can still do this. Show her that we can still have fun (like it used to be).

But then again it may just be playing into and allowing her double life to work for her.

Thoughts?


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
I don't know u, but if you do remember this. Detachment is:
  • Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life
  • Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence

Not that I'm any good at it.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
Thanks for the reminder - I was busy this weekend screwing that up.

Datey wine thing didn't happen, S20 was came home for the day and was having a tough emotional time (very depressed and defeated). the three of us sat and talked for a couple hours about what he think needs to happen. He is completely stressed about everything (including W & I). I have learned a lot here (DB forum) which really allowed me to handle things better than I would have before. I was able to plagiarize some good advice about only being able to control yourself and living in the present (Thanks to everyone for that)

I didn't learn very many great parenting or communication skills from my parents, so I am trying to improve. I think we helped him. He is going to counseling at school next week(I hope that helps him too). He set this up on his own.

Then-just when you think that things are low enough and you may have a good starting point, something else happens. This time it was me. I wasn't feeling very well detached and saw that she was e-mailing OM. I had enough. I tried to let it go, but it kept me awake almost all night.

So in the morning I drew my line, and it probably wasn't too well thought out. I told her that right now "we are living in different worlds and I and the kids cannot move to her world that doesn't have the same values that we used to believe in." She "seems to want to keep me around just to keep the family under one roof." "I can not live in an open marriage."

She said that she also "cannot live in an open marriage either and wasn't built to be the other woman" (meaning she was trying to convince me that's not what we have).

I said that is exactly what we have right now and if it continues, I will have to move forward (she knows that I have researched D and apartments, etc.)

I also told her that I knew she was still texting and e-mailing him a lot. She doesn't deny these things when I told her (She really has never done that)

I wasn't looking for a reaction with any of this, but finally felt that I needed to state this.

nothing but silence after that - and she left.

Later she came back and said that she is trying so hard to change things and get things back on track. She's had a rough week and a rough couple months with it and it's a process.

I am confused and angry again. I am trying to detach. I am trying to be patient. She knows that I am at my wits end, but I don't know if she believes I will go through with it.

I think she is trying to get on track, but I am probably just forcing myself to be naive.

I want to be me again.

So now - I will detach and observe. She will hide better so I will not know what she is doing. She won't tell me anything. And I will wait. (Yikes)


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
more on this:
before I stated my boundary, which I did in a soft and loving voice (not angry). I mentioned that I know that I have not always been the best husband and father (she denied those). and that I never thought we would have to talk about something like this (we have never talked about boundaries in our lives).

Thought that this was notable also.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
u-turn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
It does seem that I have to re-group after every weekend - but I am not alone here.

I feel like I am still trying to hard to do things to fix this when I know that I cannot.

I need to focus again on my kids and business (which is not going well again due to my lack of focus). I am letting more people down again. FOCUS!!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
Wish I knew what to tell you. I often feel like I'm close to that conversation myself.

Now that you've had it, I think you've got to follow it up. You drew the line in the sand. You've got to show her it's for real.

Can you move forward now that you've told her that's what you're going to do?

Dunno about everything else. My H just invited me to go to London with him in December. He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner sometime soon. I said yes to London (I lived there as a student, and will have long days to myself, which I can easily fill!), so that's booked. But dinner...it's hard to muster the energy to go out with him anymore, honestly. I feel mostly dead. He is lavishing lovely words on me, but they're falling flat. Who cares if he loves me if it's not only me? It's not what I signed up for or what I want.

Never have I accepted this in a relationship. I feel as though I am only tolerating it (barely) now because we have children who deserve a singular household. Nevermind the fact that I know that this is not a healthy relationship right now.

Don't I sound upbeat and cheerful?

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
Hey Turn buddy , you are doing great buddy , keep up the good work . I was told to love from a distance


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
Mlp my dear . This is How i feel also . Im just tolerating this for my boys sakes . Some say tell them , they probably already know . But no , I wont and I dont think they do know . I think they know Mom and Dad are a little strained right now . But they are just staying quiet and hoping for the best likely


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard