Chapter 3: I think I'll try defying gravity

[juliegayle]

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A few days ago Defying Gravity popped into my head and I can't shake it so maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same.
I am through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts.
Close my eyes and leap.

It's time to try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down."

[juliegayle]

Shining

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry it took so long to reply. There are too many similarities and I am so sore you had to go through that. I will take encouragement that you and the kids survives and thrived.

I have been mulling and processing and will come back later to share. Right now s is having a tantrum.

[juliegayle]

I have been away thinking. Nothing really has changed. I have been allowing myself to remember things that I can't believe I let myself forget. Times from my marriage I was afraid of h.

I have also been working through the book "a gift to myself". It helps you get in touch with inner child and identify ways you are denying her as well as looking at patterns you keep tepeating. I am completely stuck at the chapter determining if your basic needs (touch support freedom to explore etc) were met in the past. I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought.

H came to me the other night and told me he was gay. That may be but I never saw that one coming. He says that proves he was not having affair with OW. I said that didn't explain the I love yous and sexually explicit texts. It didn't explain why she was upset when she found out the terms of endearment (my goddess, my forever girl) he used were just recycled from me.

It may explain drinking. Does it explains extreme hostility? Is it possible it is just another elaborate lie? I am very confused.

I did start writing my book. The first few sentences are: this story will have a happy ending. I am, not sure what it is yet but this is my life and I will accept nothing less.

[Matt165]

Oh God, Julie, I'm so very sorry about that one!

So, he is gay but was married to you for so very long, had a child with you, had an affair with a woman (enough that he was sending explicit texts and using terms of endearment). Umm.... sounds like he is just even more confused and in crisis than you thought!

People don't just become or "turn' gay. It is something they have known all their lives, not a "choice". You may be right that he is just saying it so he can "prove" he didn't cheat, these MLCers are so crazy, who knows. It may just be the latest "persona" he is trying on because he isn't any happier now than before he started his journey, who knows.

So many questions come to mind...does he have a "boyfriend"? Was he experimenting with this while married to you? (That one is scary and if it is the case you will need to have some tests done, sorry). Does he plan on "coming out" to his kids and family?

Smells fishy to me, Julie. The truth will be clear about this one soon enough. Although it would add to the book. You couldn't make this stuff up and have anyone believe it! Hang in there Julie! You are going to be fine and sounds to me like you are better off now without someone as bitter and confused as he is!

[Shining]

JG, clearly your H is confused about many things he has going on inside of him. Not saying he is or isn't gay. Just the fact that this came up suddenly is a sign there is a lot going on inside, with the hostility, lies and drinking being symptoms of bigger problems. I don't think trying to make sense of it is going to get you where you want to be, though.

I know this, because I do the same thing even now. I want to analyze everything in my current H MLC crazy stuff. I find that asking the questions out loud or writing them here, isn't necessarily to always have "an answer", but it's my way of sorting it out in the process. Perhaps that's yours too? As long as we don't panic without having the answer, and we're able to move forward, it think it's ok.

I'm no expert on MLC. I'm a flailing mess trying to get detached....much harder than it was for me with my xh. But I have been treated the same way you are, and I see so much of myself in what you're dealing with. I hurt for you.

As I've shared, my xh was that guy. It's scary the similarities. The gas lighting, meanness, covert abuse....While he never came out and told me he was gay, he did say some other similar things that showed me he was all over the place. My xh was not an MLCer, at least not when I was there. Who knows, he could have gone through one after we left. He did have major childhood issues to work through. We moved out of state, and 6 years later, he is a different person. Since I wasn't there, I can't say what he did to change. But I can tell from his new speech patterns and the caution he takes before responding to me or the kids, he has done lots of work. He's not awesome....lol, but hugely better.

It took us completely getting out and removing ourselves from his life for him to see his stuff. But him seeing his stuff was NOT our reason for moving. Him seeing his stuff was a side effect of us getting a better life for ourselves, regardless of him.

Whether you stay where you are, or not, is COMPLETELY up to you. Only you know what is best. JG, please take care of yourself. Your H type of behavior slowly chips away at your sense of worth. It made me think I was losing my mind. I questioned EVERY decision I ever made, and decided I wasn't capable of making good ones anymore....yeah, still struggling off and on with that, but it's a process.

I'm not trying to advise you on what to do. I just hope my example can show you that no matter what we do, they won't change until they have to or want to. When the pain of being where they are is greater than the pain of changing. Xh did what worked for him for so long, 16 years. And suddenly it didn't. And then he changed. I know not all of them do.

Either way, I'm following you and sending hugs. I can feel your pain. I really can. Hang in there, JG. We're here for you.

[juliegayle]

So the good news today is my dog is ok. A few months back one of h new 20 years his junior friends pet sat the dogs. She is a vet student. She saw lump on my dogs side and diagnosed lung cancer. She told h that my dog should be put down and tbat he needed to talk to me because I was letting dog suffer. Well he has been "talking" to me about it for months and I am sure you can imagine what that sounded like.

Lately he has been saying he is just going to take dog and put him down since I won't. My dog is eating fine. He still enjoys walks and cuddling with me. I took him to vet today and she agreed he has a lot of life left. The growth is a benign fatty tumor. She wanted the name of the vet student who would diagnose lung cancer on the OUTSIDE of his body not even over the lung.

Crazy man still believes the vet student over a professional who has been practicing for 30 years. He has to. He can't go back on everything he has been saying about me being a horrible person.

In the end all that matters is my baby dog (13 year old baby) is ok!!

[juliegayle]

I do realize that the whole thing with the dog is part of the emotional abuse. Shining you are right. I have been living with this for so long I am doubting my own judgements.

A few months ago I really wanted to stand for h because I believed he was sick and someone needed to believe in, him.

Now I realize that can't be me. I am looking back at our marriage and seeing all the ways he put me down. And I gave it back because I have a sharp tongue and am stubborn. But there were things he said that I came to believe. Th er e were times his drinking was bad and I slept with a knife next to me. But he always apologize and convince me he loved me aND needed me and things would be ok even good for a few months or even years. He never hurt me but he would tower over me in a very treating way and make veiled threats that he could always say I just took the wrong way.

I talked to L about leaving state and going close to my family. She said that would be difficult since h wants to be with s. I need to explore options for renting an apartment with my lousy credit. We completely focused on fixing h credit and paying off his debt. Mine slipped further and further down and we always said we would take care of it in the future. Very stupid plan.

[Georgiabelle]

Julie,

Sending you a hug. I'm glad the dog is okay. Please protect yourself.

[Ggrass]

I do realize that the whole thing with the dog is part of the emotional abuse. Shining you are right. I have been living with this for so long I am doubting my own judgements.

A few months ago I really wanted to stand for h because I believed he was sick and someone needed to believe in, him.

Now I realize that can't be me. I am looking back at our marriage and seeing all the ways he put me down. And I gave it back because I have a sharp tongue and am stubborn. But there were things he said that I came to believe. Th er e were times his drinking was bad and I slept with a knife next to me. But he always apologize and convince me he loved me aND needed me and things would be ok even good for a few months or even years. He never hurt me but he would tower over me in a very treating way and make veiled threats that he could always say I just took the wrong way.

I talked to L about leaving state and going close to my family. She said that would be difficult since h wants to be with s. I need to explore options for renting an apartment with my lousy credit. We completely focused on fixing h credit and paying off his debt. Mine slipped further and further down and we always said we would take care of it in the future. Very stupid plan.

This was pretty much my life. Expect h would not do what needed to be done for pets. He just thought if he got it wrong he would nevertheless hear the end of it as w1 never let him forget one dog he did pts.

Her side was he shot the dog over her head and his sons head it was dangerous not she disagreed with him doing it. So they were almost in the line of fire.

His version she felt he should never have done it, and she would never let it go.

[Shining]

Nope, JG...you're not stupid. He is your H.. You are SUPPOSED to be able to trust your spouse. This is HIS failure, not yours.

The "towering"...man, that word... I haven't thought that term in a long time. It's abuse. It's intimidation. Don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise. It just doesn't "count" in the law for physical abuse cases....such a gray area. Sadly, the damage can be even greater and leave more traumatizing scars when one is never even "hit."

Now that you know better, you can do better. You can't know what you don't know.

I'm not one to give up on anything.... To a fault, at times. I would never tell you to leave because only YOU know what's right for you. I just hope you are 1. Protected. 2. Aware it's not you. 3. Owning only what is yours. 4. Able to identify what you can, and can not change.

Regarding moving out of state... I did it. Difficult is not impossible. I had to make a plan. I had to present that plan to my xh at the right time, and show him how it would benefit HIM.... Even tho, it was in an effort to benefit US. And it did. .

I couldn't say what will happen for you, but please know, nothing is impossible....

[Lifes Twists]

Julie,

The way you describe your Hs behavior gives men a bad name. Regardless of man or woman that kind of behavior is abusive.
Words and body language are as effective as physical abuse in leaving scares.

You may find it hard moving out of state without first getting his permission to take your son with you. I would ask your lawyer how far you can move without permission. Moving 50 miles away might just be enough distance where he won't put in the effort to travel there and back often. You may find you can move anywhere within your state. That could put many miles between you.

[Matt165]

Hi Julie,
I'm so sorry about your sitch. The dog thing really gets to me. I've had dogs that lived to almost 20 years and were fine until the end. Your H is, like my W, clearly not in his right mind.

If you have had to live in fear for so long, sleep with a knife because of H's drinking problems, etc. that's abuse. Maybe there is a way to bring this out in court. That one of the reasons you want to leave is because of your fear. Bring up all the craziness like "I'm gay so I can't have had an affair" to show just how crazy he really is and does the court think a man like that should be taking care of a special needs child?

Know this Julie. I too have lived with crazy and yes you do start to question yourself. They are your partner and when they keep telling you that you're wrong or that what you are thinking (which is perfectly reasonable) is asking too much it can make you start to think that maybe they are right. I allowed my W to do much of the same. Granted I never feared that she would hurt me but I let her run me ragged trying to take care of my family while she just thought of only herself. I realize now that over the last 4 years my W never once took our D's to a single birthday party, school event, friends house, prom or school dance, etc. She never went to D14's flute recitals. My W didn't want to be bothered, didn't want to put herself out, had better things to do. Now she has moved 30 miles away, put my D14 into a school close to her, taken my life apart. This after I allowed myself to trust her enough to start a business where I won't make nearly as much as I have and that I would, for the first time, need her income.

Abuse comes in many forms. It makes the victim question them self. I wish I had more to offer but it seems clear that what is best for you and your S would be for you to get as far away from the crazy as possible. I'm sorry that you have been treated that way. Know that there is someone out there who would love you and treat you the way you deserve, Julie. Men that do that to their S's are damaged and make all men look bad! Know that you will find someone that will treat you the way you should be treated some day. Hang in there, Julie. We've got your back!

[juliegayle]

Thanks Shining and GB. LT and Matt thanks for the reminder that there are good men our there!

I realize I sound very bipolar when I describ my marriage. There were really what I believed to be some wonderful times. We had so much fun together. We laughed all the time. Right before BD we had signed up for this app where you send each other love coupons and rate your acts of living kindness to each other daily. It was sweet and romantic. Those were the parts of my marriage I was clinging to and standing for.

Then there were the times he was a terror and I was afraid. Those times always involved alcohol. I can't believe how much I minimized those times and tried to excuse his behavior.

In reality none of that matters. What matters is now. And now he is a cruel person. Maybe this isn't MLC. Maybe he has some mental illness. Maybe the drinking has caught up with him. It doesn't really matter why.

He may very well be gay (now. I will never believe he did not have A with OW). I know another couple where the h admitted he was gay after years together and 2 kids. He never was cruel. He never raged. They had an amicable divorce and are wonderful coparents. H sexuAL orientation does not explain or excuse the things he had said and done this past year.

I have a lot of things to figure out but from this moment I will not engage unless re: s. He is rarely at home so that should be doable. This morning I was tempted to text him about not making lunch for s. He does every morning but did not today. I counted to 10 and stopped myself.

[Matt165]

Hi again Julie,
MLC is as much a "mental illness" as any other, IMO. When people start to act completely different from how they did for most of their lives, do destructive things, to themselves and the people who they ONCE loved, their own kids, that, to me is a "mental illness". I remember once thinking that someday they may just find that MLCers have some sort of brain abnormality. That some organic reason exists for this behavior. Who knows?

[juliegayle]

OW (or whatever she is now) texted again for a play date. I thought I had been very clear that I was not getting together again. Later that night I over heard her bad mouthing me and egging h on in this ridiculous lie he made up about me kicking him

I didn't respond to her texts and blocked her number. I am 43. I am not getting dragged into whatever game they are playing.

[juliegayle]

I need a slap on the head and a zipper for my mouth. I try so hard to not get drawn in. I try to just observe his behavior and not react. I have worked all weekend. Yesterday I came home and s was still in pyjamas. Ss19 was sitting in the exact same place as he was in the morning and I asked him if he had moved all day and he said no. Then s said they were going to OW house the next day (today)

I must have been stewing in my sleep because I woke up hating h. I knew he was planning on spending money to buy OW daughter a ticket to ss16 play. We didn't even buy our own tickets. MIL bought them for us because she knows money is so tight.

I checked our joint account. Transferred out what ever from my check was over our biweekly continuation to household expenses. I use that money on gas. Groceries for me and s. Meds and doctor copays. Babysitter.

I asked h if we could discuss budget he said no and I lost it. All the pent up anger and frustration came out.

He acts all innocent and asks why I am bit@hung at him. In 10 min I became the person I have worked so hard over the last year not to be and reconfirmed his idea of me as a contouring bit@h.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to detach and let the emotions wash over me when I have to deal with him every day. When him and OW try to drag me into some game. When he is so evil all the time.

I called some apartments that were in areas I felt comfortable living. I can afford them but would need to save the deposits and right now I am licing paycheck to paycheck. I would also need a cosigner for app to be considered. Mom has crappie credit. S is said no because she already cosigned for mom. The only people left are in laws and I don't know how I feel about that.

I hate that I sound so pitiful. Lady night I was walking the dogs and thinking how awesome this time of year is at the tail end of summer.
Cool breezes and fireflies. I just want this cr@p with h to end.

[job]

Julie,
Breath! You've had a lot of stress going on in your life lately and your h is just not with it. He's not thinking straight and won't for a long time.

As for unloading on him...we all have done it. So, what do you do now? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. No one is perfect and let me tell you, we all have had days when the pot boiled over and we had to let the steam off. You said what was on your mind, now leave him for now.

BTW, you do not sound pitiful. You sound exhausted and disgusted w/things. Take some walks to blow the cobwebs out of mind and enjoy the beginning days of fall.

[juliegayle]

Thanks Job. It just all felt like it was caving in on me today. I ended up filing a police report on OW tonight.

I had blocked text messages from her and I thought I blocked calls but it didn't work and she kept calling. Finally I answered with the intention to say stop calling me. She starts going off on how rude I am for not responding to her text and she is trying to be the better person and think of the kids and I am so selfish and she "knows plenty of people who will put me somewhere and her uncle is a state trooper and he will take care of me" and "I don't know who I am messing with" (just like h said last week). I told her I would not listen to threats and hung up.

I called police and they said unless I wanted to press charges someone would call tomorrow and to call back if anything changed.

A few minutes later h comes in my rooM with OW on speaker. They (mainly she) starts going off on what a Bitch I am. No wonder he left me. I am a horrible mother. I am selfish because I have to work 3 weekend a month and choose not to get together with her on my one weekend off. I am a bad mother because I only have one weekend off. She doesn't believe the vet and believes h that my dog should be put down. On and on. I jump in and she starts blasting me for being a controlling Bitch and talking over her. .... crazy. She is just spouting back all his lies. Like he was a totally innocent party and just sat there while I yelled at him for 10 years. How can she believe that?

Then she says "do I need to come over there. " at which point I called the police back and said I wanted to press charges for harassment.

She starts yelling some more and h takes off somewhere by foot.

How is this my life.

[Shining]

Omg, JG...I'm sorry that happened. You must be reeling right now. From what you posted, this sitch has gotten pretty out of hand crazy. I'm glad you called the police. I'm concerned about the fact that your H feels he can go into your room and facilitate such harassment.

JG, please do what you need to and protect yourself and your son. I know how this works. This type of stuff tends to escalate, upping the ante each time. Ow does not sound like a mentally stable person at all, and I don't even have to mention your h state of mind. Whether it's just bully tactics or something more serious, it really isn't a healthy environment for you or your son.

I hope all goes well tomorrow when you press those charges.... And don't drop them afterward, like I once did. Big mistake. Can you press charges against both of them??

((((Hugs)))).

[juliegayle]

I filed a report and mentioned bother if them for harassment. An officer came by and took the statement. He said I had two years to go to magistrate with file number to press charges. He did say that these kind of vague threats don't often play our well on court and it just becomes a he said/she said situation. He did suggest I call every time I feel threaten to build a paper trail so pressing charges in the future may go better.

I called my mom and asked her to come down and stay with me for a little. She said she could come for a few days at the end of the month.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Julie,

Have you filed for divorce yet? If not I would seriously consider it. If you have do you have any temporary orders in place? Given what just happened neither he nor his girlfriend should be allowed in the house or on the property. I know the police say to keep calling. I also know from experience that if they get too many calls they will start going to him first to find out why you are calling them again. You need to get some legal advice on how to keep him and her out of your life as much as possible. You will need to set up an exchange location in a public place. I would not wait for this to escalate. They both sound dangerous.

[job]

Julie,
Block her calls. You need proof of her threats and the only way to get them is either by recording the calls or she texts you. Right now, it's your word against hers. If you apply for restraining order, it will only fuel her fire and she will find other ways to torment you.

If he's not living there w/you, then he should not be allowed in the house unless you invite him in. Speak to a lawyer to see what your rights are to change the locks. I think you have a good case to do so...but you do need legal advice on that. Get an alarm system if you can't change the locks.

I agree w/Life Twists. Set up an exchange location in a public place and I would have very little to say to him.

Protect yourself as much as possible.

[Matt165]

Hi Julie,
If I remember right, H is still living with you, right? That makes this so much harder! I'm so sorry that he actually thinks that it's OK to follow you with OW on speaker! He is not a "man". In fact he is as far from a man as you can get. First off, why in the world either OW or H would think that the kids having "play dates" is a good thing is beyond me! How is that good for anyone? Your H says he is staying for your S's sake? That is bull. It's an excuse so he doesn't have to take action. There is more going on in the background here than it seems. It's time for you to talk to him and tell HIM to go. There is no reason for you and your kids to leave and live in an apartment while he stays in the home. If he really thinks that having one parent needing to call the police and have officers coming over is better for his S than his just getting his lazy, whipped butt out of there and face what he is doing, he is wrong!

I do believe it is time for him to face up to the fact that his staying for his kids sake is a lie! Every day that he does the kind of things he is (like helping someone harass and THREATEN their mother and yes, saying "my brother is a Trooper and he will fix you" is a THREAT) he is HURTING not only you but your kids as well.

The last time my W was here her BF and her BF's boyfriend came to help her move. He pointed out that domestic calls are the worse calls they get. That cops hate them because of the violence that happens. What they did was an act of violence against you. That woman is messing around with a married man and feels she has the moral high ground enough to do that? Your H feels so compelled to do what this woman wants that he is willing to follow you around on speaker phone? Time for HIM to go, Julie. Don't let him push you and your kids from your home but it is time for him to face that what he is doing is hurting, not aiding his S!

Please hang in there Julie. You are doing better than most would be at this point and you will get through this!

[Shining]

Julie,

Checking in on you....last we heard, there was some serious stuff and threats and abuse going on. l hope you and the kids are ok.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.